dave s Posted February 22, 2012 Report Share Posted February 22, 2012 Mary I love your pic of you and Bentley, would love to see a pic of the cardinal you painted........it still is my sign that Mike is around me, when I see that beautifull creature in my yard! Dave Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted February 22, 2012 Report Share Posted February 22, 2012 Hi Dave, Good to see your face on the forum. Hope things are level. Here is the cardinal....Not sure why I can't get a sharper picture of it... cardinal pdf.pdf Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cheryl Posted February 22, 2012 Report Share Posted February 22, 2012 Melina, The first year was horrifying, I don't really remember much other than pain. The second year I felt like I could make a new start and was really disappointed when the pain wasn't gone or even much diminished. Infact in most ways the pain was worse since it came in waves and would blindside me. At least the first year it was constant and I didn't have to feel like I was starting over all the time. The lonliness was just as hard as the pain. I was frustrated the second year by what I thought was a lack of progress. I could not understand why I wasn't feeling much relief. My therapist kept telling me I was expecting too much and needed to give myself a break from all the expectations. She also told me that I needed to except the pain as part of my progress and to stop looking at it as a failure each time it returned. I kept trying to tell her that I just couldn't stand it anymore and something needed to change! She kept telling me that things were changing that I was making progress but that it wasn't at the pace that I wanted. She suggested that I try to except what ever I was feeling without judging myself or trying to fix it. I tried to lean more into the waves of pain and really tried to stop pushing it away. I spent a lot more time alone and in bed! In a way it felt like giving in and resting. But the lonliness was begining to drive me mad. Stepping out of my comfort zone to try anything was just too hard and I felt too miserable to really try new things anyways. But I slowly tried new things just to fill the time. Plus I couldn't lay around anymore and be sad. I thought I might as well walk around and be sad. It seems like trying new things away from the house helped the most. Since it broke up the pacing from room to room and even if I wasn't talking to people or doing things with people,just being in a crowd seemed to stimulate me a little. I went to the mall, sat in church in the back. Walked the trails around the park. I also found that the new exercise helped ease the pain and kept me distracted from the lonliness. I didn't feel a whole lot of changes but I think it was helping me none the less. I am 6 months into year three and I am finally less lonely. I'm not sure what happened but something finally shifted and the waves of pain are less often and they are not all consuming. I still cry almost everyday but I've stopped feeliing discouraged about it. I've been able to feel less anxious about what I'm supposed to do or feel. I really think that time has been the biggest factor in the change. I won't say that I'm not lonely but I am less lonely. Reading your posts feels like a reflection of everything I have also felt. I guess I just want you to know that to me you seem normal in your progress. I have a feeling that with time you'll find things that help ease the lonliness. I wish I had the magic pill for all of us to take to make this end. Hang in ther Melina! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melina Posted February 22, 2012 Author Report Share Posted February 22, 2012 Cheryl, Your experiences sound just like mine. I'm also frustrated and worried by this second year - which I had expected to be far easier than the first. It's this loneliness that's so frightening and desolate. And when the big waves hit all I can think of is wanting to talk to my husband - just ten minutes, or even five. At times I feel like I'm dangling from the edge of a cliff, just barely hanging on. But your account gives me hope that things will gradually improve, and that I don't need to be frightened of my slow progress. I'll just have to ride it out, I guess and not expect so much of myself. Thanks for letting me know how you've managed. It does help. Melina Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted February 23, 2012 Report Share Posted February 23, 2012 Anne really did put it so well. It's been almost seven years for me and the first two were the hardest...somewhere in the third year I felt I'd processed it, but that doesn't mean we don't grieve anymore, what it means is we've somehow learned to cope with it. The overwhelming excruciating pain doesn't hit like in the first couple of years, but more of a gnawing inside, like quieter carrying with us kind of pain. We know nothing will ever be the same and every aspect of our life has been affected. And that continues...and continues...and continues. Forever...birthdays, Christmases, Valentines, and everything in between will never be the same. When I was laid off, he wasn't there for me. When I've been dealing with my mom and her dementia, he isn't there to help me through it. When I broke my arm, he wasn't there to help me. He isn't there to help me with the big decisions in life, let alone to move the refrigerator. When I'm alone at night, he isn't there to cuddle with. That part I have to continue to deal with the rest of my life. He wasn't at my daughter's wedding and won't be at my son's. I've had to get used to doing life without him. No one ever said it was easy or I would like it. It just is what it is...like a quiet resignation inside. It helps to not think of the entire rest of your life looming before you, that can be a bit much to take on...but rather just think of getting through this one day, that's about all we can handle. I've made it 2,433 days, I guess I will the rest of my life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dave s Posted February 23, 2012 Report Share Posted February 23, 2012 Mary, the pic of the Cardinal is wonderfull, in fact it is bringing a tear to my eyes.....never forget how the Cardinal showed up yo the back window, the day after Mike died, it was so beautifull and still is, he and his mate still come for a visit now and again, but not as frequently as they did, that is interesting to me also. Currently am classifying myself as doing well, but so many memories are hitting me, so many anniversaries are happening for me right now, still overwhelming for me to digest what has occured and what I am doing to rebuild.....all good but tiresome. Currently am working too much, due to projected deep cutbacks that are occurring, for the states medical coverage, wanting to pay down some things, and be prepared, but alas I feel that I have lost some balance in my life again.....which, for me, adds another level of burden to my grief.....but for today have the day off, will accomplish what I can. Dave ps hope you dont mind if I try to print off the Cardinal pic? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted February 23, 2012 Report Share Posted February 23, 2012 ps hope you dont mind if I try to print off the Cardinal pic? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted February 23, 2012 Report Share Posted February 23, 2012 Mary, Your Cardinal is beautiful! Your Christmas card recipients are lucky! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted February 24, 2012 Report Share Posted February 24, 2012 Mary, Your Cardinal is beautiful! Your Christmas card recipients are lucky! Thank you, Kay. I am happy to mail you one, if you wish. Let me know....I have a bunch since most of my cards never got out. My path is paved with good intentions. My paint group all exchanged cards we painted ourselves...and I sent a few others but I have them.....by next Christmas I hope to have improved enough that I will want to do a new one Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne E Posted February 24, 2012 Report Share Posted February 24, 2012 Melina, I don't think that any of us will be as notable as say, Mother Theresa, but I truly believe that we are capable of noble deeds and a life with a calling. Melina, that you got up this morning is, in my opinion, noble. It is noble that you have not given up. Thinking about what the rest of your life will look like is a calling. You want your life to matter and to change the world a bit. That is a true, blessed calling. Giving thought to getting past grief and attempting to make the world a better place and a place where you can at last feel confident and comfortable, is a calling that is commendable. "I had a couple of friends tell me that my grief has turned into something pathological if I'm still have such huge waves of despair." I wonder if these friends have suffered such a loss. It has been my experience when I have been given similar opinions, the person has not experiences anything close to my experience and loss. It's easy to sit on the bench and have all the answers. Being in the thick of the battle, is a whole different thing. I believe you can only understand what you have experienced. I usually respond to such comments with a smile and walk away. I don't need someone judging me and making me second guess myself. Dick has been gone 4 years tomorrow. Recently, I have been dealing with a health issue that is frightening to me. I MISS Dick. I want him to go to the doctor with me, I want to talk about the issue with him, I want him to tell me I'm going to be OK and that he will be there to take care of me and help me. I want him to wrap his arms around me and let me cry on his shoulder. I guess your friends would inform me that I my grief is pathological too and that I should be able to deal with things by myself. I have chosen to lean on my son and a couple of close friends who have lost their spouse and understand. I know this is what my new normal will look like and I am becoming alright with that thought. My new calling and noble needs are related to helping others. The two little girls I work with through the tutoring program where I volunteer, help me see that I do have something to offer. I have love that I can share, and find that the little girls really like me and look forward to spending time with me. This is not a huge effort on my part, and there will never be parades in my honor but I do look forward to going twice a week and seeing the smiles of Lexus and Haylee when the walk in the door. That is reward enough. Dick would be so pleased! End of sermon. Melina, you are a special, thoughtful, precious person, working hard through a horrible time. Don't forget that you are valued and I care about you!! Anne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted February 24, 2012 Report Share Posted February 24, 2012 Anne, This is a lovely, supportive and true statement. I could not agree more on all counts. We tend to think bigger is better in our culture when making a pie for someone who is sick and whose family is coming to visit....matters tons. Melina, you are less than two years away from this horrific loss. I am close to two years. I think patience is the name of this journey. How I miss Bill helping me, holding me...as you both do. All we are called on to do is be true to ourselves and if we are, we will know the next step....I try to practice what I have advised clients to practice...go through one door at a time....live there until it is time to go through the next door. We are all being noble for getting up this morning....there are days when that feels like climbing Mt. Everest. Thank you Anne for your lovely message. Peace Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Queeniemary Posted February 29, 2012 Report Share Posted February 29, 2012 Friends, I am thinking that a common thread seems to be that the second year may be harder than the first. I think we expect more of ourselves in the second year, and are surprised when we are still in such pain. On the first anniversary of Mike's death, I thought I was over the worse, I even said that I felt such a peace, and I did for a little bit. Then gradually reality sunk in and I realized I was pushing the pain down, because I wanted to be better. I think I was pretty numb during the first year. Some of this past second year was harder than the first year. I have suffered depression frightening enough that my doctor and I felt I needed anti-depressants. I am now almost 2 months into the third year. As Cheryl said, I am still lonely, but maybe a little less lonely. Waves of grief come, but maybe not quite as often. Melina, I don't think your progress is slow, I think we all move at different paces, and I don't believe there is a normal in this grieving process. Mary(Queeniemary) in Arkansas Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted February 29, 2012 Report Share Posted February 29, 2012 Yes, Mary, I think the second year is, for many, more difficult in a different way. The first year was pure pain, struggles to just survive and do the bare essentials. I was in a fog for a long long time...who knows how long...there are days that are still foggy. I am approaching the second anniversary in March and year two has been extremely difficult also. The waking up and living with Bill's absence has been horrific. The realizations of the impact of his death hit me each day sometimes in old ways, sometimes in new ways. I could write a book. It just goes on and on and on...the loneliness. And that is coming from someone who has kept busy with friends and activities...but he is not here...and that is what matters most. There are days when I too push the pain down because I want it all to go away, want it to be a nightmare that I awaken from...and then when I push the pain away...it comes back with a vengeance. I have learned to say no to a lot this year. For a while in year one and early year two I was accepting invitations to just about anything just so I would not be left out, left alone. By doing that I lost important solitude that I now take a lot more time for. It almost feels like the swing of a pendulum but I am so lost after 4 years of care giving and 2 years of grief...I have no clue what I want my normal to be except that it MUST include solitude, painting, a small circle of GOOD friends, my dog and nature. Eventually it will include more giving to others though I always do that...it is just part of who I am. I just do not know....I am lost for sure. Peace Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted February 29, 2012 Report Share Posted February 29, 2012 I think I prolonged my grief by marrying John so when that ended I had both to grieve over. I think I'm doing pretty well though...I think my grief with George was in stages, the first stage I had some things to process from before he died, but more lately it's been the really really missing him, although I think I already know deep inside I can handle things, I've always been pretty independent and it's been almost seven years since he died and I've survived so far. But surviving and liking what's happened is two different things... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted February 29, 2012 Report Share Posted February 29, 2012 Dear Ones, if you've not seen it, you may find this blog post to be of interest. (Be sure to see the list of "Related Articles" at the end of the post, too): Grief In the Second Year: Finding Your Way Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted February 29, 2012 Report Share Posted February 29, 2012 Marty, thank you for always providing great materials for us. I have read/studied Bridges books and I really like your response in the piece (Transitions: How to Recapture the 'Drive') especially relevant when I start to push myself to be further down the road than I am. A good book to pull out when the expectations creep in as they often do. I have read many of the other pieces in this post also and appreciate all of them. Thank you for jumping in with your empathy, clarity, and endless links. Peace Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted February 29, 2012 Report Share Posted February 29, 2012 Mary, dear, you are so welcome. It is the very least I can do . . . ♥ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted February 29, 2012 Report Share Posted February 29, 2012 You go way beyond the "very least"....way way way beyond and I am grateful for your generous spirit. Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melina Posted February 29, 2012 Author Report Share Posted February 29, 2012 Marty - That woman mentioned in your blog in "Grief in the Second Year" - is that me?? I remember writing pretty much those exact words. Melina Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted February 29, 2012 Report Share Posted February 29, 2012 Melina, dear ~ those are indeed the words you posted here a while ago, although I altered them a bit and left out certain details to protect your privacy. Much of what I write (on my blog, for Open to Hope, and for Self-Healing Expressions) stems from actual concerns of the bereaved that I think would be of interest to other readers. I think this adds to the authenticity of the content, and helps to "educate" others about what is normal (if not universal) in grief. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Queeniemary Posted March 1, 2012 Report Share Posted March 1, 2012 Marty, I read the blog and the article about "Drive". Thank you so much for your wisdom, and for knowing just what we need at times. Both really spoke to me. I will bet that last year at Mike's first year anniversary of his Death, when I talked about the peace I had found, that several of you were shaking your heads, and saying, just wait girl! I think I was numb and in shock all that first year, and yes the second year it finally sunk through that he was not coming back. What this year will be like I don't know. I am hoping the depression I experienced in the fall does not come back to the degree that it was at that time. I am off all the chemicals (sleeping pills and anti-depressants) and do not want to do them again. My drive to try new things, and get involved will, I hope, come back. One day at a time. Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted March 1, 2012 Report Share Posted March 1, 2012 Marty, Thank you for sharing that. I feel like my grief journey is a blur. Year one to three definitely had it's phases. I think it took me that long to process it, but Year three through seven hasn't changed much, just me missing him, that never goes away, although I rarely cry anymore. I feel like I handle things about as well as I can, but I'd still give my eye teeth to have him back for even a short time. I wasn't expecting to be widowed this young, I thought we had years left together. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Durbin Posted March 1, 2012 Report Share Posted March 1, 2012 I am exactly the same as you - an introvert. I am not happy with a crowd of people and avoid such things. I lost my husband 3 months ago to lung cancer and we used to do everything together so I do not have friends as such and no brothers or sisters. I forced myself to get on a bus and the first time I did this I was petrified and so lonely and heartbroken that I was glad to get back home - of course I broke down then. It has got easier on a bus now although I only go about once a month. My husband and I used to spend most of the time at home being elderly. I'm 71 years of age and I have had enough advice to last me a lifetime e.g go out, socialize which I do not want to do, take a walk or have a hobby. Don't they realize that your heart is heavy and whatever you do you are doing it alone. They have their partners with them still. Yes I do get depressed often - I don't drive and the car had to go back after my husband's death. Hope to hear from you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted March 1, 2012 Report Share Posted March 1, 2012 Dear Durbin, We all know about all the advice people give. They mean well but do not understand how torn apart you feel right now. In time you will get out a bit but right now you are grieving and just taking care of yourself feels huge. I wrote to you on another topic where you posted so I won't repeat but do give yourself all the time you need. We are here for you. I think it is hard to get out and socialize when you never liked that to begin with. In time you will do something to create a life for yourself but do consider taking a walk each day....just to get some air and exercise. There I go giving advice....sorry about that. We do care a lot about everyone who posts. Peace, Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted March 2, 2012 Report Share Posted March 2, 2012 I think readers of this thread will appreciate this TED talk: The Power of Introverts In a culture where being social and outgoing are prized above all else, it can be difficult, even shameful, to be an introvert. But, as Susan Cain argues in this passionate talk, introverts bring extraordinary talents and abilities to the world, and should be encouraged and celebrated.Our world prizes extroverts -- but Susan Cain makes a case for the quiet and contemplative. About the speaker: Susan Cain is a former corporate lawyer and negotiations consultant -- and a self-described introvert. At least one-third of the people we know are introverts, notes Cain in her new book, Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Can't Stop Talking. Although our culture undervalues them dramatically, introverts have made some of the great contributions to society – from Chopin's nocturnes to the invention of the personal computer to Gandhi's transformative leadership. Cain argues that we design our schools, workplaces, and religious institutions for extroverts, and that this bias creates a waste of talent, energy, and happiness. Based on intensive research in psychology and neurobiology and on prolific interviews, she also explains why introverts are capable of great love and great achievement, not in spite of their temperaments -- but because of them."I prefer listening to talking, reading to socializing … I like to think before I speak (softly)." Susan Cain Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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