Grieving Introverts

[mfh]

Marty,

I just finished Susan's book and have been waiting for this TED talk. Thanks for the reminder.

Her book is Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking by Susan Cain.

Another I just finished is Introvert Power: Why Your Inner Life is Your Hidden Strength by Laurie Helgoe, Ph.D.

I wrote one of them (can't recall which) about introverts and grief. She said her work indicated that introverts frequently have a more difficult time with grief because they are not out there as much, are driven from within and spend more time alone.

Thanks much for the post, Mary

[Daisy3228]

I see it's been a while since anyone posted on this thread, but as an introvert, I thought I'd add my thoughts to it as well. I recently started a new topic called How Are You?, where I talked about the difficulties I found trying to go for a walk and Well Meaning People stopping me to ask How I Was.

After that post and following everyone's advice, I did my best to minimise conversations and to keep walking, but despite my best efforts, there were some who were determined to Enquire After Me. After 3 days I was a mess, couldn't stop crying, feeling very anxious, sore back and exhausted. It was back to bed rest for me and I'm happy to say am feeling much better today.

Once I calmed down and could think rationally, I decided it was best to keep a low profile and drive to a quiet beach 15 minutes away, and walk there. Such bliss, it was really relaxing and I didn't see anyone I knew, or need to constantly scan around in case I had to brace myself for another Well Meaning Person.

I've also decided to ask a friend to walk with me and run interference when I walk in my local area. I hope if people can see me out and about, they're less likely to approach me if I'm not alone. This way I'm hoping the need for people to ask after me will diminish if they can see me back walking on a regular basis. Daisy

[MartyT]

Yours is a wonderful example of taking charge of a situation that causes you added stress and finding a solution that works for you, Daisy, and I commend you for that! Good for you! ♥

[Daisy3228]

Thanks Marty, I appreciate it.

Yesterday while I was walking on the quiet beach, I had a light bulb moment and thought of another good strategy I could employ if I saw someone on my local beach that I didn't want to talk to. I'd whip out my mobile (cell) phone and pretend to have a conversation as I walk past. Then all I need to do is nod a greeting but keep moving.

It amazes me sometimes how the answer can come when your mind is calm and body relaxed.

All the best

Daisy

[kayc]

Daisy,

I am so glad to hear you have a plan! When we are grieving, we are particularly vulnerable and some people aren't sensitive to that.

I am trying to come out of my shell after all these years because I know the continual hibernation is not good for me, I have been alone too much and am well aware of it. It has been a year since I "retired" and the first year I felt very alone and without purpose. I am continuing going to church and have added the senior site twice a week, and have begun training for the Church Treasurer position once a week. Just getting out on a regular basis is giving me more balance. I'm finding I'm more desirous to spend time with making cards, my passion and what I do "for me". I have always walked Arlie twice a day, but now I'm taking him to play with a neighbor's dog about five times a week and it's helping both of them, plus I visit with my neighbor while they're playing. It helps both of us not feel so cut off from the world.

This whole grieving process takes more energy than I ever could have imagined! It is by far the hardest adjustment I've ever had to make in life, to learn to live without my husband and still find meaning and joy in life. I've learned to appreciate the small things and look for the "little joys" rather than compare it to "my life before" or expect it to be as great as it was then. I chuckle when I think about last week...my air filtration systems and vacuum cleaner maintenance person came out for the annual cleaning and inspection ($380 this time, yikes!), she has been coming here for a number of years now, and I hugged her upon her leaving. I think I totally took her by surprise! I had to chuckle...I know it's because I don't get visitors much...or hugs. Haha! I'll have to change that and start inviting people in, it's hard for me to do, I'm used to hibernating now.

[mfh]

Kay, it sounds like you are making some changes that will put you in touch with more people and as you say, "balance" life out a bit. I just wanted to acknowledge this as I know it is not super easy to make changes. Good for you.

Mary

[Daisy3228]

Kay, you made me laugh when I read you hugged the maintenance person. I wondered whether you would have hugged them if they were a male? Probably not I'm guessing.

I do understand what you mean about missing that contact, I'm missing it too. I find myself snuggling up to my dog more than I used it, just to have contact with a warm body. She's a 14 year old Jack Russell and luckily for me she enjoys the snuggles. I like to bury my face into her fur and really inhale her scent, it feels calming to me.

I think you're right, that unless you've been there, you can't understand how vulnerable and sensitive bereaved people are, I didn't know either till it happened to me. And yes, the little joys work for me as well. I find I feel much better when I'm doing the things that give me pleasure, or at the very least, doing something productive everyday.

I think your plan is a good one too, sometimes we just need to be ready to make changes. It sounds like you are and are taking steps to broaden your horizons in a way that works for you. That's been a key for me, sifting through friends suggestions, maybe trying some out, but in the end doing what "feels right". Sometimes you just don't know unless you try it out.

Warmly

Daisy

[kayc]

Glad I gave you a chuckle. This is the weirdest thing one can go through, even after all these years, I never dreamed it'd be so hard, but I'm doing okay, it's just taken a long while.

[feralfae]

Oh, Kay!

I am such a hugger! When we lived in Evanston, I hugged the maintenance man, the cleaning lady, and once hugged the mailman. David just thought it was cute. I hugged my grad. students, the library people, and everyone on campus loved me. I was a great hugger. These days, I still enjoy hugging—and am getting over a sudden chagrin that of course I hugged everyone at retreat! Jenny, Karen, Linda, and I always hug, but those are girl hugs, from the shoulders up, and kiss each other's cheek. Some friends, we kiss both cheeks.

So, it's not always about being isolated. You could be one of those wonderful hugging people. The world needs more of us.

But I am glad you are getting out more, and doing more with people. I still need a couple days a week alone with no social pressure. I am an introvert. But I really enjoy the hugs I get and the closeness of meals together and visits with friends.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

I think my son and I are "combos", we need solitude AND we need some time with people. My daughter, on the other hand, seems to need people around all the time, she's very social. It's the balance I am striving for after a year of hibernation and healing from the madman I worked for.

[feralfae]

And I think we all see the healing in the resounding "No!" you were able to issue to #$%^&* jerks on two occasions fairly recently. Brava!

*<twinkles>*

fae

[LarrysGirl]

I'm totally an introvert, homebody, whatever you want to call it. Its me and Maggie, my dog, I prefer solitude and quiet. Being around loud obnoxious people bothers me. Maybe thats why the grieving has been so hard but I don't think so. I have a few close friends and some family, but no one gets me like Larry did. Coming up on the 9 year anniversary and I can already feel the sorrow rising to the surface once again.

[MartyT]

This appears in today's edition of The Huffington Post: Are You Really An Introvert? Extrovert?