Looking For The Positives

[Gwenivere]

Marg, now that I have had the pleasure of going onto a form of Brianna's hypo med I will offer this.  The generic form is usually fine depending on what they use for binders (to make it pill form,), those vary.  When you find one that works for you then you have to be vigilant to stay on that generic as the FDA allows about an 11% variance and pharmacies often change when they get bettter deals from suppliers.  That would be enough too little or much you would feel.  I switched to brand Snythroid so I would know every RX was the same.  I probably am going to have to fight them again for it come the new year when the medical clock restarts, plus I have to change plans, not my idea, I just got lucky mine was cancelled and one similar is offered so who knows what they have come up with to make things harder.  Anyway, it’s nit a med you want with possible changes in strength.  Same with antidepressants I found.  I take brand of mine on that.  The generic really messed me up.  Oh, here if the.pharmacy does change it’s generic supplier, you can request the generic you had, it just takes a few days for them to get it.  

Hypothyroidism is a b*tch.  Mine got so out of whack that this was the first summer I couldn’t stand to wear sandals, even in extreme heat, so I get Brianna and the sweaters.  Nothing worse than your thermostat being messed up. Well, there is, but for this condition it’s right up there.

[Margm]

Thanks Gwen.  I even bought a heating recliner and a heating small blanket.  Winter extremes are the same.  Bless her (and your) heart, she has had it since a toddler and it causes all kinds of things, including heavy periods and making her anemic.  We keep thermostat on 72 in summer (when I'm gone it goes below 70), but I can wear a sweater.  

[kayc]

16 hours ago, kevin said:

I had both Hips done about 13 months apart....this is my first year with "semi healthy limbs".....Golf shuts down next week so I'm back to the Gym with high hopes...still got minor breathing issues but its progressing....

You did a great job of recovery with that, I know it takes a lot of work.  I hope you won't need knee replacements.

Last night I injured my thumb, am hoping it's just badly bruised and not broken.  It felt kind of dead/numb so I hope there isn't nerve damage.  Iced it,  I'm learning just how many things you use your thumb for!  Shoveling snow should be fun this year with an injured shoulder and thumb and my already damaged knees and feet.  Oh the fun of getting older!  (I won't say old).

[kevin]

Good morning/evening......Just came back to the Gym and want to share a chuckle.......Remember the movie Cocoon?, this place has a large aquatic center and it has a large Hot tub , capacity about 40.......Its all Seniors in the morning after the individual walks/workouts.....Just like the old guys in Cocoon but results not the same.....No snow but frost every morning.... 

[Seqouyah]

I lost my husband a few weeks ago to cancer. I was praying earlier today and asking God to forgive me that I wasn't able to save him. God said to me your husband isn't dead, he is with me. All of a sudden I felt peace in my heart and a gladness I haven't felt before.

[widow'15]

7 hours ago, Seqouyah said:

I lost my husband a few weeks ago to cancer. I was praying earlier today and asking God to forgive me that I wasn't able to save him. God said to me your husband isn't dead, he is with me. All of a sudden I felt peace in my heart and a gladness I haven't felt before.

Seqouyah:  So sorry to see you have recently lost your husband to cancer.  You are early in your grief and am hopeful you will find support from others here by joining this forum as I have.  You sound strong in your faith which I struggle with daily.  I lost my husband in 2015 and have yet to find the peace you say you have.  May you continue to find peace.  Dee

[kayc]

17 hours ago, Seqouyah said:

I lost my husband a few weeks ago to cancer. I was praying earlier today and asking God to forgive me that I wasn't able to save him. God said to me your husband isn't dead, he is with me. All of a sudden I felt peace in my heart and a gladness I haven't felt before.

That's how I look at it too.  It helps to have that hope.  I am sorry you are making your way through this like the rest of us here, it's quite a journey.  14+ years for me now.  Little by little we adjust but always we miss them.

You are very early in your grief, I think I was still in shock at that time.  I wrote this at about ten years out, of the things I've found helpful...hoping something in it is of help to you along your way.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[george p]

 I keep trying to find the positive, but all I have done so far is dig up a lot of memories. I have a lot of great memories, but they just don't seem to mean much anymore. I just have not been able to turn the corner so far , I keep thinking that I have made some headway , but I really have not.

The grief counselor that I saw right after my wife died told me the hard times would come after I had time to realize what life would be after loving someone for over 60 years.  I have what I think  is a pretty good support system, but they all have their life to live , so I do my best not to let it show to them just how much trouble I am in.  I live in the house we shared for over 40 years and there isn't anything in here that doesn't remind me of her.  I have gotten rid of most of her personal items ,  clothing and jewelry , but I cant go through all of the pictures , etc. I have tried to  sort some of them out and I just can not handle it, maybe someday I will be able to. I am 81 years old and I want to get as much stuff done before I pass on as I can so that my sons wont have to do it for me.

 I have posted on this site a while back after my wife died and I think it helps to just write down some of the things I feel , but can't express to my sons . I can see from the posts here on this site that I am not alone in my situation , it seems to be pretty common.

 I feel fortunate that her death came quickly , I am in pretty good shape both physically and money wise so I have a lot to be thankful for. I just have to find a way to move on to a better place mentality .

Thanks for listening

George P  

 

[widow'15]

1 hour ago, george p said:

 I keep trying to find the positive, but all I have done so far is dig up a lot of memories. I have a lot of great memories, but they just don't seem to mean much anymore. I just have not been able to turn the corner so far , I keep thinking that I have made some headway , but I really have not.

The grief counselor that I saw right after my wife died told me the hard times would come after I had time to realize what life would be after loving someone for over 60 years.  I have what I think  is a pretty good support system, but they all have their life to live , so I do my best not to let it show to them just how much trouble I am in.  I live in the house we shared for over 40 years and there isn't anything in here that doesn't remind me of her.  I have gotten rid of most of her personal items ,  clothing and jewelry , but I cant go through all of the pictures , etc. I have tried to  sort some of them out and I just can not handle it, maybe someday I will be able to. I am 81 years old and I want to get as much stuff done before I pass on as I can so that my sons wont have to do it for me.

 I have posted on this site a while back after my wife died and I think it helps to just write down some of the things I feel , but can't express to my sons . I can see from the posts here on this site that I am not alone in my situation , it seems to be pretty common.

George P  

 

George P:  You are correct, you are not alone in your situation and sharing your feelings and reading other's concerns does help.  By being part of this forum I have found I am not alone and the information shared here has helped me to understand how grief makes us feel.  

Your thoughts are similar to how I feel at times.  My support system is small, a son and a daughter and two young grandchildren.  The family and friends my husband and I had in common have their own lives which means there are many days I have no contact with anyone other than a wave to a neighbor or a conversation with a medical office.  Being up in age, I feel I don't have the energy or the will to create new friends.   Fortunately, the only thing that keeps me going are the beautiful memories and my companion dog.

As difficult as it must have been for you, you have made some headway to have disposed of your wife's personal belongings. The finality of emptying a closet or a dresser drawer of a spouse's personal belongings is truly painful.   Maybe within time the photos project will become easier.  

Dee

 

[kayc]

Dee is right, you are not alone in how you are feeling, what you are going through.  I have two large plastic tubs full of pictures and there they sit, I can't bear to go through them.  I'd always thought I'd scrapbook, but I can't it's way too painful.  

My kids don't live nearby.  My daughter never answers the phone and it's been probably four weeks since I've talked with my son.  They're always busy.  It's up to me to live my own life and to enjoy the holidays with them if/when I get to.  I know my neighbors on a friendly basis but we don't spend time together, just speak now and then when I'm on my walks.  I have friends but not real close friends, I'm closest to my sister but even though she lives about 10 miles from me, I don't get to spend time with her other than phone calls because she's a heavy smoker and I have allergies & asthma.  Losing my dog recently was really hard on me, he was my family, my companion, I miss him horribly.

I'm glad you're able to pour your heart out here, it does help to express yourself, it's part of the processing your grief.  I've learned this is life long, not a set period of time, although it does evolve and we hopefully get better at it.  It's been over 14 years for me.  Christmas/holidays will be hard, being alone.  Everything was different when my George was alive, it would be differnt if he were here still.

[Margm]

He left, I planned on taking the 50 morphine pills and going out into the vast wilderness where I would not be found.  Religious questions kept me from it, plus I joined this group three days after Billy left.  I have close friends that are new in their grief.  The only advice given me, the unasked for advice was "keep busy."  I already have to keep a calendar.  I do not have enough Xanax for any busier.  I am not well, but I cannot be fixed if anything happens, so I try to keep things on an even keel.  I am monetarily better off than my family (only because of retirement  and a little SS), I have excellent insurance through our jobs, and we worked 80 years between us.  We did not put money back, our employment in civil service did that for us.  The insurance has not changed since Billy's first 1959 employment and staying with the group insurance, which is 2nd to our Medicare.  My family has not been as lucky and I breathe easier when the first of the month comes.  "What will they do when I'm gone?" is a question I ask often, and my answer is, "I want be here to worry about it."   

The short version (and my word salads paint too many boring pictures) is I could not stay where he wasn't.  I tried to do things he  would not do.  He would never have lived in an apartment, but I have so many worries I had to delete as many as I could, and already living under guilt of refusing to let him go, I had to move on.  My family needs my help.  I wanted it written up that I would go into a nursing home or anything where I would not be a burden on them, but instead, they have become my burden and I don't want to lose any of that burden.  I am needed, that is all I can explain, and the two words "what if" have not happened.  I am moving about half a mile from these apartments so I can have a washer dryer.  There is a laundromat here, in constant use from 105 units, and I moved in haste.  Have not unpacked from first move but have accumulated more.  

The years together were many, and I wanted 54 more.  I offer no advice.  Advice makes new widows and widowers angry.  And we think of them as "You don't know."  

We are older, but the younger have the same problems.  We all had unfinished plans.  It is not easy, and I have discovered the panic attacks I had when I had cancer as a much younger woman.  I am happier in our old home surroundings and people.  Louisiana is not as pretty and in the winter we need heater/furnace/fireplace in mornings and sometimes A/C in afternoons, but it is as close to being home as I will ever be until I am with him again.  I try to make it as easy on myself as I can, and I do have my family and friends.  We have our 60th year high school reunion in June and have lost many of the original 106 graduates.  My roots go deep in my surroundings and even though, at my age, many of my friends and family are part of this soil I grew up on, married on, had my children, spent their childhood here,  and grandchildren.  I have great grandchildren I have not seen and somehow, I do not have a yearning to see them.  He loved his babies so much I do not want to be a part of something he cannot be a part of.  Maybe I'm selfish. 

I do tend to repeat myself.  I remember my grandmother doing this.  She lived to be 95.  

I was not really a fan of Rose Kennedy, but I knew her great loss and did seek out any words of wisdom I could cling to.  I won't quote exactly, but she said time did not heal the wounds.  She said it sometimes provided scar tissue, and sometimes I have felt that scar tissue form over the wound, but it is very precarious.  It can be ripped off as fast as it forms and for some reason, for four years now, I relive the day October 17th, 2015, all over again, scar tissue  ripped off.  We do the best we can manage.  I no longer cry until I cannot breathe, but that peace at the end of losing my breath did not scare me.  

Come here often.  Someone, any one of us is having a hard time at nearly any given time.  Some have dropped out, and we remember them, and we miss them.   

 

[iPraiseHim]

16 hours ago, george p said:

 I keep trying to find the positive, but all I have done so far is dig up a lot of memories. I have a lot of great memories, but they just don't seem to mean much anymore. I just have not been able to turn the corner so far , I keep thinking that I have made some headway , but I really have not.

The grief counselor that I saw right after my wife died told me the hard times would come after I had time to realize what life would be after loving someone for over 60 years.  I have what I think  is a pretty good support system, but they all have their life to live , so I do my best not to let it show to them just how much trouble I am in.  I live in the house we shared for over 40 years and there isn't anything in here that doesn't remind me of her.  I have gotten rid of most of her personal items ,  clothing and jewelry , but I cant go through all of the pictures , etc. I have tried to  sort some of them out and I just can not handle it, maybe someday I will be able to. I am 81 years old and I want to get as much stuff done before I pass on as I can so that my sons wont have to do it for me.

 I have posted on this site a while back after my wife died and I think it helps to just write down some of the things I feel , but can't express to my sons . I can see from the posts here on this site that I am not alone in my situation , it seems to be pretty common.

 I feel fortunate that her death came quickly , I am in pretty good shape both physically and money wise so I have a lot to be thankful for. I just have to find a way to move on to a better place mentality .

Thanks for listening

George P  

 

Hi George P.

This grief journey is a walk through grief and healing. My beloved wife, Rose Anne, An i were married for over twenty five years. She died four and half years ago, yet I still miss her every day.  I have learned to accept that this after life is what it is. I do my best to just accept life on life's terms. So much in life is out of my control.  I still haven't cleaned out her clothes closet of drawers. I get to it when I get to it. 

Life now is just different than before. I have learned much from these wonderful souls that helped me in my most difficult time.  I still have tough times but realize that they will pass. I am learning to simply move forward in life. I will never get over he. Her love and memories are embedded in my heart and soul.  We are still together just not in this physical realm. 

Most every one else has moved on with Rose Anne. This special place is where I come to listen, share, and care for others who are going through this grief journey . Please come and share, ask questions, and learn as we are all on the same journey. 

Take care - George C - Shalom (Peace)

[kayc]

17 hours ago, iPraiseHim said:

Most every one else has moved on with Rose Anne.

Isn't that how it is.  Yet for us, who loved them as our soul mates, there is no moving on, there is only but living with it.  Every day is a reminder.

Peace to you.

[Margm]

I most times believe my children miss the great man, and that is what he was, and each bring up about Daddy driving them somewhere.  It was just always if they needed support of any kind, he was there.  I try to be, most times I succeed, but I do know it is not the same.  And, for all of us, it is never the same again.........how could we hope for anything else.  I really physically do not know how to swim and sometimes it feels like I cannot put my feet on the bottom and have my head above the water.  I remember getting so angry at him when we lived on the lake.  I was in a grove of trees next to the dock, in a pirogue, I stood up and the boat kept moving, the tree knocked me in the water.  I went in over my head, lost my custom made fishing rod (he had put my name on it), came up sputtering and angry because he, Scott, and another man were laughing at me, I knew I was going to drown and they were laughing.  Then I put my feet on the bottom and it was only waist-high.  I felt foolish, still angry, and lost my fishing rod.  Life (in the drowning sense) has not changed much.  I wonder if he laughs at me.  I know God does.

[kayc]

Oh Marg, I don't think He could help but smile at you, you're darling, you've gotta admit!

[Margm]

When I moved the first time he had just "left."  My mind was nowhere.  I remember some man confiscating all our outside yard equipment, I saw it, and somehow I knew I would never use it again, Billy could not, the kids couldn't, so why shouldn't that man have it all.  He said he helped the elderly people who lived in the senior homes in town.  I didn't even remember till lately.  Now, I am moving about 1/2 mile from where I live and will have someone move all the big furniture, but getting it all together is something I'm hanging back.  They are moving my new W/D this afternoon and I'm in a quandary about what comes first, chicken or the egg.  I have electricity on in both places and I guess if I forgot something it would not be hard to return and get it.  Gotta have beds and clothes in and the most important........internet and TV, which I will just move the service I have now, but when?  I have both grown kids and grown grandkid helping too.  Besides, I never unpacked 12-15 of the big plastic boxes I moved in here to begin with.  Don't know if I ever will.  Told Brianna we can use them to put the TV's on, but she has a decorating bug and I don't.  I will just keep them all in my room.  They are big, plastic, with lids, so I can just pile them on top of each other.  Do not know what is in them and don't want to look.  Gotta do this.   

[widow'15]

7 hours ago, Marg M said:

Now, I am moving about 1/2 mile from where I live and will have someone move all the big furniture, but getting it all together is something I'm hanging back.  They are moving my new W/D this afternoon and I'm in a quandary about what comes first, chicken or the egg.  I have electricity on in both places and I guess if I forgot something it would not be hard to return and get it. 

I have both grown kids and grown grandkid helping too. 

Gotta do this.   

Marg:  Good luck on your move.  It sounds as if you have good help and a good plan.  The best part of the plan is you decided you needed to make a move and took that big giant step to do it. 

I have been knowing I need to move, but don't have the courage to get my plan into play.   Will be wishing you the best.  Dee

[Margm]

Dee, we were RVer's for so many years, and it is surprising that my "kith and kin" mean so much to me.  If he had lived and age had not caught up with us, we might be in a special apple orchard RV park in the Sacramento Mountains in New Mexico.  Where ever he was was home.  His leaving and us getting too old was the only thing that could hold us down.  This is what I have to do, and it will be my final move.  I hope I live long enough to see my family just be happy.  

[widow'15]

3 hours ago, Marg M said:

Dee, we were RVer's for so many years, and it is surprising that my "kith and kin" mean so much to me.  If he had lived and age had not caught up with us, we might be in a special apple orchard RV park in the Sacramento Mountains in New Mexico.  Where ever he was was home.  His leaving and us getting too old was the only thing that could hold us down.  This is what I have to do, and it will be my final move.  I hope I live long enough to see my family just be happy.  

Marg:  Your life with Billy sounds so full of wonderful memories.  The RV life sounded like fun to me, but my husband a Pacific North Westerner couldn't be away from the fishing, crabbing, clamming, shrimping and hunting very long.  

I do understand this is what you have to do - and hoping to see a happy family.  There is a saying I have read before, about "A Mother Being as Happy as her Unhappiest Child".  I think about that quote many times.  Good Luck moving, and let the strong ones do the heavy lifting.

Dee

[kayc]

Well 1/2 mile doesn't sound too far, I wish you well and am glad you have lots of help!  Don't do like I did 5 1/2 weeks ago and lift things you shouldn't, I keep forgetting I'm not in my 40s anymore and now I'm paying for it!

[Kieron]

On 11/3/2019 at 12:30 PM, Marg M said:

The short version (and my word salads paint too many boring pictures)

As a writer, Marg, I disagree with the above.  It all made perfect sense. Your fishing rod story was cute, even if you were livid at the time!  😂

[Roya]

When I called the helpline for the 2nd time my favorite therapist answered the phone.

[kayc]

3 hours ago, Roya said:

When I called the helpline for the 2nd time my favorite therapist answered the phone.

What helpline?  I'm glad you got your favorite therapist.

[kevin]

Marg, I hate moving any distance ,but I agree with the having two sets of utilities and a slow unhurried move.......My next move will be at least 5 years down the road, maybe 10......(some type of seniors complex)....Snowing today so Christmas lights will be deferred till later....Take care everyone....

[kayc]

Kevin, I don't know how you do it, but then the weather here is sometimes harsh too and about to start.  You seem much too young for a seniors complex but maybe you mean one of those over 50 communities?