Looking For The Positives

[kayc]

7 hours ago, george p said:

Over the weekend both of my sons called and we had good conversations , one of my nieces and her husband came to see me yesterday (Mothers Day) and my oldest grandson called. They knew it would help us all through the first special day, and it sure did.

I'm so glad you had so many people thinking of you on Mother's Day, George.  My husband passed on Father's Day and that's one of my hardest days...my son has two children now so I try to give the day that positive meaning.

[kayc]

18 hours ago, KarenK said:

Nice Mother's Day today for me. I woke up thinking it would be a rather sad day as Debbie would always call on Mother's Day and my birthday. When I walked into the kitchen, there was a basket flower arrangement sitting on the island. My son had bought it for me. He said he woke up and realized that I really have no one left to buy anything for me except for him  so he went out and got them. I was pleasantly surprised as neither he nor my grandson are big on gifts except for Christmas. During childhood and marriage there were gifts and cards exchanged for every occasion. It was just a way of life, one which he did not adopt. I give thanks for the blessings I still have.

Kay, so glad surgery is behind you. Your Mother's Day gift is beautiful and you so deserve it.

I'm so glad for you, Karen!  My son invited me to his place last minute and my daughter called me early Mother's Day so I picked her up and we drove to my son's...long day but very enjoyable.  Today I woke up and my surgical wound is swollen so I hope to ice it a few times today, I've been on the go too much the last few days.

[mittam99]

4 hours ago, kayc said:

Is this the same year as yours is?  Mine is 2016 Civic LX.

I've got a '17 EX-L with the turbo. But, I'm pretty much a Civic guru. That 2.0 engine in your car is super reliable and plenty peppy. I'm sort of the Kay of the CivicX.com forum (top poster). 😎

[kayc]

Wow, you have the really NICE car!  I looked at the "17 differences between the Civic LX and EX" and felt I could do without them as EX costs more, but I would love the turbo, I had that in my Volvo.  I really loved my Volvo, it was just too old, everything waited for me to own it before it stopped working.

My main reason for buying the Honda is that it is so reliable, my last Honda spoke for that, and I like dealing with this service department...you still have to keep an eye out on your behalf as I remember paying for brake flush twice in a row, didn't need the second one or else they charged me for the first one w/o doing it.  I don't think it was intentional, I don't see them being that way, but they do try their darnedest to make $ off you and you need to know what you really need and what can wait or my son can do for me.  He's the Volvo expert though and in the past the Civics have been built like sardines so it's important to know how to get to stuff.  I do NOT work on cars so having someone who keeps an eye on stuff is important to me and Kendall does a good job of that, every time I get an oil change they look over everything.  I told them they were the next best thing to having a husband, only maybe cost a little less!  They got a chuckle out of that (referring to last XH).

And I forgot, what color is yours?

[mittam99]

Cosmic Blue Metallic with grey leather interior. Here's a couple pics of the car when I first got it. I've since added some appearance and performance modifications and this car is very quick now. Car modding and detailing has always been "my thing".

[george p]

Thanks for the response to my post, it helps to know I can let my feelings out here. I have a great grief counselor , but she isn't here 24/7.

I am mostly okay, but as someone else posted it is amazing how many things remind me of Mary that it is crazy. It is the unexpected things that throw me for a loop , one of the hardest things for me to do so far was to remove her toothbrush from the bathroom, my brush looks so lonely hanging there by itself. She was in the bathroom when she passed (we only have one) & it is hard to go in there without reliving those few moments , I try to cope by remembering that she passed peacefully and quickly. She told me a few weeks before that she felt she was just waiting to die, we discussed it just a bit and I didn't think a lot about that statement, but as I look back on it I think she knew her time was short. Julie (the grief counselor) told me to try not to look back at things that you can not do anything about, but that is very hard to do.

 Her name was on all of our accounts and I am getting a limited trust set up so putting all of the stuff in my name makes it simpler. I have every thing done except changing our primary checking account , I am struggling with taking her name off of the checks. We don't write very many checks per month , so I don't see the checks very often.  Julie told me to think of the good things around me so I think I will keep the checks like they are. Mary was a RN for nearly 30 years and a lot of the assets we have are a result of her income. 

 I have been learning  to cook items that I have never tried before because we had a freezer full of stuff that I had never tried to cook. Mary would cook the steaks and salmon ,I would heat up the stuff from the frozen food isle , we bought a small air fryer several months back,I have fallen in love with the thing. I have been doing French fries and several things in it , but never big stuff, I have moved on to steaks , last night I cooked some salmon in it and was very pleased with the results. 

 I am moving forward very slowly . Thanks  for listening. 

 Every one take care.

 George

[Margm]

7 hours ago, george p said:

to try not to look back at things that you can not do anything about, but that is very hard to do.

George, it has been 3 years, 7 months since Billy left.  I have a regimen I follow each night for those 1306 nights (give or take one night).  I say my prayers to the cross at the foot of my bed, on the wall and talk to Billy and Jesus.  I have two good friends that just entered this aloneness we all suffer from.  I take my Xanax and the blood pressure pill that makes me sleepy.  I read for a few minutes, I put the ear buds in and listen to "sleep" music on my Kindle.  I am asleep before I can "think."  Instead, last night memories of his dying minutes haunted me and the guilt consumed me again (I thought I had put that in the little room in my mind I don't open.)  And I relived it.  I cried.  And, something I don't do, I took another Xanax and started all over again, closing that dreaded door.  It overtakes us sometimes when we think we are doing lots better.  Another friend wrote to the two newest widows (2nd time for my best friend), and said it had been seven years for her.  We manage to sometimes close that curtain, but it does not block out our thoughts, and sometimes someone pulls it open and the scar tissue bleeds.  There are times in between though.  My first watching of "Grace and Frankie" was so outlandishly funny, I laughed all the way through.  Laughter helps when you can find it.  Sometimes it slips up on you and the first few times you feel guilty.  I look at the moon, like last night, and I say "Hi Billy" and then I go inside.  E-v-e-r-y-o-n-e handles things differently.  Written words from death day 1 until day now, it made the shock come back in a dark, all consuming destructive feeling.  I don't want to read my feelings from day 1, I still live them.  Yet, some people are advised to write all these feelings down.  Some people are helped.  It rips all the scar tissue away and I bleed terribly.  And, that is just me.  We are all so different, except, we all hurt.  .  

[Gwenivere]

George, I was confronted with tons of legal changes I had to make when Steve died.  I did those.  Personal things are much different as you are finding.  I removed ALL medical supplies and destroyed all pictures of him taken when he was sick.  That was easy . Then came the house.  It’s pretty much the same.  I did donate his clothes except for a few favorites, but I don’t use that closet much.  My only regret was taking his robe he never really wore but I bought for him. Cancelling his phone was tough.  His bathroom is the same. I go in there now and then.  Always hard.  I tried removing his placemat and couldn’t do it, so it’s still there.  I’ve kept his van despite the cost.  Figure if a placemat got to me, his car not being here sure would.  Never have regretted that.  I went to the bank too and found I would have to get a new checking account without his name.  That would mean resetting auto bill pays.  More than the hassle of that, I realized I didn’t want his name erased from our assets, like you.  I’m now facing another, I think, last decision.  I moved all mail from our PO Box to the house as he mostly used it for band and computer equipment so it wasn’t stolen.  I’ve been making that trip to the PO every day for over 20 years.  There is never anything there now but occasional spam.  But that key.  It’s taken on emotional significance.  

In a world that essentially erased him, I like seeing his name, tho it hurts immensely.   What is hard is when charities he alone was involved with call after years asking for him and I have to say the dreaded words to remove him from their list.  

My only advice, as this is unique to each of us, is not to make any big decisions for at least a year.  It’s too easy hpthinking we can ease the grief with choices we may regret and cannot change.  I didn’t even think about the post office til this year, my 5th.  And that was for a tax receipt I knew would slip thru.  This is your time table now.  Don’t let anyone or emotion push you if it makes you at all uncomfortable. Your heart will tell you what it can handle and when.  Kay said she put George’s picture up, down, up again.  Listen to it.  

 

[Margm]

So proud for you Kay.  Takes such a big worry off.  My snub rear end Ferris Yaris keeps me from backing into poles.  That was a plus.  My five feet were not meant for a truck.  

[kayc]

Marg,

I hear ya!  I'm five foot also.  I broke in my car today, scraped the hubcap.  I was so mad at myself, even though I can easily blame it on my dentist's narrow parking (about 6" on each side so I parked next to the curb to give the next person more room to get in without dinging my car).  Grr!  Oh well, I'm sure there's more to come over the years.  This car is much wider than my Volvo or last Civic.  Such narrow spaces shouldn't even be legal though!  Even doing away with one space to give everyone an extra inch or two would help!

Mitch,

your car is beautiful!  And you have much nicer hubcaps, are they after-market?  BTW, I LOVE my car!  I've gotten 40 and 37 mpg, my old Civic averaged 38 mpg, I'm thinking this will be similar even though it's so much bigger.  And this one is much more comfortable!  I am able to pump up the seat to make me taller, it adjusts every which way!

George,

you are very early in this, it stands to reason you need someone to talk to more frequently than counseling sessions...this place literally saved me when I lost George (good name!  )...I didn't know where to begin with this!

[mittam99]

23 minutes ago, kayc said:

Mitch,

your car is beautiful!  And you have much nicer hubcaps, are they after-market?  

They are OEM Honda alloys. I'm with you Kay. This 10th generation Civic is an amazing car. It's as roomy as the older Accords, handles and accelerates well, gets great gas mileage and holds it's value well. Fantastic car.

My favorite feature: Brake Hold. 

After a long day of standing on my feet at work, how cool is it that I can stretch my (long) legs at a stoplight and not worry about pressing the brake pedal.

I also think the light bar on the dash indicating whether you're driving economically is a sweet feature.

IMHO, this Civic is the best car (for the money) on the market.

 

[iPraiseHim]

27 minutes ago, kayc said:

Marg,

I hear ya!  I'm five foot also.  I broke in my car today, scraped the hubcap.  I was so mad at myself, even though I can easily blame it on my dentist's narrow parking (about 6" on each side so I parked next to the curb to give the next person more room to get in without dinging my car).  Grr!  Oh well, I'm sure there's more to come over the years.  This car is much wider than my Volvo or last Civic.  Such narrow spaces shouldn't even be legal though!  Even doing away with one space to give everyone an extra inch or two would help!

Mitch,

your car is beautiful!  And you have much nicer hubcaps, are they after-market?  BTW, I LOVE my car!  I've gotten 40 and 37 mpg, my old Civic averaged 38 mpg, I'm thinking this will be similar even though it's so much bigger.  And this one is much more comfortable!  I am able to pump up the seat to make me taller, it adjusts every which way!

George,

you are very early in this, it stands to reason you need someone to talk to more frequently than counseling sessions...this place literally saved me when I lost George (good name!  )...I didn't know where to begin with this!

I agree! George is a good name. 😊

 

[iPraiseHim]

On 5/15/2019 at 7:14 AM, george p said:

Thanks for the response to my post, it helps to know I can let my feelings out here. I have a great grief counselor , but she isn't here 24/7.

I am mostly okay, but as someone else posted it is amazing how many things remind me of Mary that it is crazy. It is the unexpected things that throw me for a loop , one of the hardest things for me to do so far was to remove her toothbrush from the bathroom, my brush looks so lonely hanging there by itself. She was in the bathroom when she passed (we only have one) & it is hard to go in there without reliving those few moments , I try to cope by remembering that she passed peacefully and quickly. She told me a few weeks before that she felt she was just waiting to die, we discussed it just a bit and I didn't think a lot about that statement, but as I look back on it I think she knew her time was short. Julie (the grief counselor) told me to try not to look back at things that you can not do anything about, but that is very hard to do.

 Her name was on all of our accounts and I am getting a limited trust set up so putting all of the stuff in my name makes it simpler. I have every thing done except changing our primary checking account , I am struggling with taking her name off of the checks. We don't write very many checks per month , so I don't see the checks very often.  Julie told me to think of the good things around me so I think I will keep the checks like they are. Mary was a RN for nearly 30 years and a lot of the assets we have are a result of her income. 

 I have been learning  to cook items that I have never tried before because we had a freezer full of stuff that I had never tried to cook. Mary would cook the steaks and salmon ,I would heat up the stuff from the frozen food isle , we bought a small air fryer several months back,I have fallen in love with the thing. I have been doing French fries and several things in it , but never big stuff, I have moved on to steaks , last night I cooked some salmon in it and was very pleased with the results. 

 I am moving forward very slowly . Thanks  for listening. 

 Every one take care.

 George

Hello George P,

 

It has been four years since my wife died and my wife's name is still on the business and personal checks.  Most  of the checks written are electronic bill-pay now anyway except for the tax man. I cook most of my meals in an air-fryer and an electric pressure cooker (like an Instant pot),  I keep my meals simple, easy to make and delicious.  I transitioned to eating from fast food/convenience foods to cooking real foods two years ago.  The grief waves will come and go for no particular reason.  It is important to get plenty of good sleep, eat healthy, drink clean water , and continue to move (exercise).  This is a great place to hang out learn, share, and help each other.  These people understand how to deal with this grief, offer tools, help, and love to listen. 

George is a good name... 😊  - George... Shalom

[george p]

I am amazed at the response I have gotten and from different parts of my post. THANKS

I went to the attorney to get the limited trust set up yesterday and the decision about the checks was made for me because all of the accounts  have to be in the trust name. I knew that, but as with a lot of things lately it just didn't register with me. Some of the questions on the trust forms were a little hard to answer, it is a preview of when I pass . I had the same problem when we bought the grave plot and marker , when I saw our names on it reality came in loud and clear. We had decided that we were going to get as much done for our passing that we could, we didn't want our sons to have to do much. Maybe now that most of that type of things are behind me it will get somewhat easier.

 It is funny how I became known as George, my given name is George Paul and that was what I was to family , at school I was Red because of my hair color. In my employment world I was known as Red until a man I was working for told me to begin using my real name , so I chose to use Paul because my dads name was George. So for years all of my accounts ,etc was Paul, then the state I live in went to a new format for the drivers license that the name on the license had to be the name on your birth certificate . So after all the accounts were changed so I could prove who I was, I became known as George . In the process I happened to notice my birth certificate had a different spelling of my last name, it is a name that is spelled sometimes with an e on the end (along with several other variations), but all of my family had ignored the e. Somehow my certificate had two different last names on it ( don't know how many times I had looked at it and never noticed it) so I didn't know what to do . After a time I decided to just see if MVD would take it the way it was , they did so I became known as George official again. I will answer to anything people call me ( well almost anything).

I am trying to eat healthy because I had a very mild stroke several years ago and I have to watch my INR very closely , so far so good. I have coffee with a friend most days at a local café we have been going to for many years , I see some people that I have known for years and enjoy the time with my friend although we are nothing alike , he is one of the most negative people I have ever known . We have had a strange relationship over many years , but it works for both of us .  He lost his wife over 15 years ago so he understand the feelings I have , but he expresses his in a much different manner than I do. I wear my feelings on my sleeve and he hides his , but I know he understands what I am going through. I am also looking into joining a local health club that has a program for seniors , maybe if I pay the fee it will motivate me to get up and move some, I am fairly active but not enough.

When I go to coffee I drive by the cemetery that we have the plot in and I usually send Mary a few thoughts, I also go by ,sit on a very nice bench close to her and have a good cry. Julie told me to talk to her as much as I could, but I am finding that hard, it is getting a little easier as time goes by. 

Thanks

George p  

 

 

[kayc]

13 hours ago, mittam99 said:

They are OEM Honda alloys. I'm with you Kay. This 10th generation Civic is an amazing car. It's as roomy as the older Accords, handles and accelerates well, gets great gas mileage and holds it's value well. Fantastic car.

My favorite feature: Brake Hold. 

After a long day of standing on my feet at work, how cool is it that I can stretch my (long) legs at a stoplight and not worry about pressing the brake pedal.

I also think the light bar on the dash indicating whether you're driving economically is a sweet feature.

IMHO, this Civic is the best car (for the money) on the market.

 

I quite agree.  And I love the parking break, lift tiny lever, then push in when done, so easy, no reefing on a handle/lever!  And it literally won't go if you forget to turn it off.  And it lights up on the dash so you can't miss it!  I also like the brake hold, it's great for sitting at a construction site, which we've had a lot of on the highway.  With my knee and toe injuries (permanent pain), this saves a lot of pain for me!  This is roomier than any Accord I've been in, I feel like it'd fit a giant!   And you're right, very affordable.  I love the seats! 

[kayc]

1 hour ago, george p said:

my given name is George Paul

My son's name is Paul so the two men that are special to me have your name! 

1 hour ago, george p said:

maybe if I pay the fee it will motivate me to get up and move some

I think there's some valid truth to that...if we pay, we take it more seriously, don't want to waste our money!  Good luck to you.  We don't have a gym here (country rat) but I get a lot of exercise picking up limbs, hauling wood, shoveling snow, the limbs are daily and year around, I have a ton of trees!  I know it's not the same as a gym where you work out every muscle you own, but it helps, even my doctor was impressed, in spite of the extra weight I carry, which I need to shed.

My George was cremated so I have him in my back yard, in front of the forest, with a headstone where his ashes were laid to rest.  I like it because I can easily visit the spot any time I want...but it'll be hard if I ever have to move.

[iPraiseHim]

3 hours ago, george p said:

I am amazed at the response I have gotten and from different parts of my post. THANKS

... I am also looking into joining a local health club that has a program for seniors , maybe if I pay the fee it will motivate me to get up and move some, I am fairly active but not enough.

When I go to coffee I drive by the cemetery that we have the plot in and I usually send Mary a few thoughts, I also go by ,sit on a very nice bench close to her and have a good cry. Julie told me to talk to her as much as I could, but I am finding that hard, it is getting a little easier as time goes by. 

Thanks

George p  

 

 

I joined Planet Fitness $0 Down $10 month five months ago After not going to a gym for 40 years.  I have an active physical job but discovered that weight resistance training would help with my IR (Insulin Resistance).  I started out slow and asked their trainer to develop a personal fitness goal for me.  At first, I was so disappointed at how out of shape I was. I had always planned to "exercise at home but never got around to it.  I have progressed in five months from very minimal to now hitting most of my Initial goals.  I could only do 3 sets of 5 WALL Pushups to now 3 sets of 30 Knee pushups at 1 foot off the floor. I could only do 3 sets of five Squats to now up to 31 squats, 3 sets.  All of my weight resistance weights have improved as well. I am even doing HIIT(High Intensity Interval Training) Elliptical Cardio for 20 minutes.  I continue to slowly push myself for better strength, endurance, and stamina.   Start slow and find your path. 

I still talk to my wife.  It gives me comfort and peace.  - Shalom

[george p]

I have been doing pretty well for some time,  but yesterday was a bad day , but nothing really bad happened. I started out by finally getting all of the checks from my limited trust in order so I could get the check books right , two of the accounts were no problem , but the main account had been in Mary and my name for well over 50 years and I had just a few checks left in the book, I don't write very many checks so I had not opened the check book in over a month. When I pulled the few checks out and started to put them in the shredder it hit me like a ton of bricks that this was one of the last things that still had Mary's name on it and I was about to shred them, I had to make myself do it. I have her credit card that needs to be canceled but I have been putting it off because it was all hers , I am going to keep her drivers license along with some of her other personal things. She was just woven into my very being for over 60 years , I don't want to lose that , but the little things that come up are just very hard to deal with sometime.  

 Then a few hours later a neighbor across the street had some sort of medical issue and called 911, the sight of the emergency vehicles brought back the vivid memories of the night Mary passed away. It made me aware of how fragile I really am, neither one of those things were very bad, but I had a hard time coping yesterday  and most of last night. I don't know what was wrong with the neighbor , but he was sitting upright in the gurney and talking to the EMT so maybe it wasn't very bad.

Today will be better ,one of my Grandsons is coming to visit me for a while this afternoon, it will be good to see him.

 Thank goodness for this site, it gives me a way to let my feelings out to people who have been there, done that.

 George P

        

[ElizabethMC]

13 minutes ago, george p said:

I have been doing pretty well for some time,  but yesterday was a bad day , but nothing really bad happened. I started out by finally getting all of the checks from my limited trust in order so I could get the check books right , two of the accounts were no problem , but the main account had been in Mary and my name for well over 50 years and I had just a few checks left in the book, I don't write very many checks so I had not opened the check book in over a month. When I pulled the few checks out and started to put them in the shredder it hit me like a ton of bricks that this was one of the last things that still had Mary's name on it and I was about to shred them, I had to make myself do it. I have her credit card that needs to be canceled but I have been putting it off because it was all hers , I am going to keep her drivers license along with some of her other personal things. She was just woven into my very being for over 60 years , I don't want to lose that , but the little things that come up are just very hard to deal with sometime.  

 Then a few hours later a neighbor across the street had some sort of medical issue and called 911, the sight of the emergency vehicles brought back the vivid memories of the night Mary passed away. It made me aware of how fragile I really am, neither one of those things were very bad, but I had a hard time coping yesterday  and most of last night. I don't know what was wrong with the neighbor , but he was sitting upright in the gurney and talking to the EMT so maybe it wasn't very bad.

Today will be better ,one of my Grandsons is coming to visit me for a while this afternoon, it will be good to see him.

 Thank goodness for this site, it gives me a way to let my feelings out to people who have been there, done that.

 George P

        

Hi George...I don't check in anymore, but some comments show up in my email. I am really sorry for your loss and your pain. I hope you at least have the comfort in knowing that you'll be reunited with Mary  when it's your time to go into God's light.

[Den's Gail]

Hi George,

I rarely come on here anymore, I’m 11-1/2 years out, but I was reading your post in an email and it hit home. I’m very sorry for your loss.

I kept my husband’s name on our checks and just put the account in my social security number. The bank told me it was fine to do that. Some utility bills are still in his name too.

You mentioned her toothbrush above too. Dennis used to brush his teeth in the shower and I still have his toothbrush there next to my shampoo. I have a bottle of his mouthwash in the closet too,

I’m just seriously thinking about giving away his clothes and keeping samples of each type and giving a half of a closet  to it. I’m still just talking and thinking about it though, but before I couldn’t even think about it without really becoming upset.

It still seems so difficult to do and yet, I have moved on and have created a nice life for myself. I belong to a number of groups, volunteer for a couple of places and have made a lot of friends through these things and am happy. 

We lost two children prior to his loss and I still have some things of theirs around too, and even our dog’s things we had for over 19 years. He understood it so I know he’d understand me having difficulty parting with his things. They all just make me feel good. I really don’t think about it much, but the thought of none of those things being here really upsets me.

I’m very secure in who I am and really believe there is no right or wrong way to grieve, whatever makes us each happy is what’s important. I think some of the best advice I got was to be kind to myself. Be kind to yourself and do what makes you feel good, not what others think you should do.

All of my best to you.

Gail

[kayc]

George, I'm sorry you had such a hard day, triggers are like that, bringing everything back to that moment and it hits us so hard.  Eventually the triggers become less and less frequent as it begins to sink into us that they are gone so that it doesn't catch us off guard so much.  I don't know of anything harder than this journey, but I've been doing it for 14 years next week.  It's true that we continue to carry them in our hearts and minds, there hasn't been a day go by but what my George is uppermost in my mind.  They are never ever forgotten, they still mean the world to us.

[Margm]

It will be four years in October since  he "left."  I know his ego would not want me to remember the final moments, but sometimes, maybe untold time between thinking this, but it will hit me "you are really gone, you really did leave me" and I will want to cry, but I don't, or I might, and then I have to accept it.  What else can we do?

[Gwenivere]

    

15 hours ago, Den's Gail said:

  the thought of none of those things being here really upsets me.

Be kind to yourself and do what makes you feel good, not what others think you should do.

This really sums up my frustration with the outside world.  They don’t get this and it’s fix, fix, fix all the time.   A situation that cant be fixed, just adapted to.  So much unsolicited advice out there.  It’s so redundant too what people think of.  I’m into my 5th year and over and over again I get the same rhetoric.  I’ve had people wonder why I keep 2 placemats on the table.  Why I still have his car.  Hs bathroom hasn’t changed one bit except to remove cancer supplies.  I did donate his clothes but kept my and his favorites.  His name is still on the checks.  I hate when I have to replace something because it broke.   Enough of him has been erased by death.  Too much of him.  All this stuff and old memories is all I have.  Can’t make any new ones, only ones I fantasize when something happens and how he would react.  Life is just a jigsaw puzzle with half the pieces gone.  It will never be possible to complete.

[Gwenivere]

Hey Marg!  Wondered where you were. ❤️

[Margm]

Same ole place Gwen.  I hope you are doing better.  💗💗💗