Looking For The Positives

[Margm]

Yes, with Nawlins, we can not even spell the words "g-o o-u-t-s-i-d-e.  Just the way we worded something.  We had a Boykin Spaniel that would go get his own leash and bring it to Billy.  He would sit between me and Billy and if we passed anything that looked like a Dairy Queen he would whimper and cry like a baby.  So smart.

 

[Gwenivere]

This was sent to me today....darn, it won’t copy.  Sorry.

 

[Gwenivere]

I give up.  Guess the site doesn’t like the text.

 

[Babymax]

Just looking out at the trees swaying in a breeze is pleasant.  Unfortunately, every time I feel like my mood may be lightening, I turn on the news to hear something that takes it down again.  I think being isolated with this virus is a source of depression with seniors.  I want to see positives since it will be five years in October that I lost my wonderful husband of fifty-five years.  I cannot seem to get to a place where I feel “normal” as yet.  I wonder if I ever will, but I do keep looking for positives to make my life meaningful again.

[Gwenivere]

The isolation is taking a huge toll.  I totally understand feeling like things may be lifting a bit and then crash down again.  I’m at almost 6 years.  Proving to me this is a forever loss that ended how life would ever be again.  I got 38 years since he waked into my life.  It’s been empty since he left.

[Margm]

I cannot compare years, age, century, time of day, cause of loss or anything.  Nothing compares.  It is ours to bear.  All I know is we all miss someone so terribly that we would not know the word "happiness" if it hit us in the face.  It is like that word has gone and we have to give it a new definition, maybe even new spelling.  As always, my heart is with you.  It was wonderful to have loved someone so much, and that makes it so hard to define a word for living without them. 

[Gwenivere]

You summed it up perfectly, Marg.  That word doesn’t exist in my world anymore.  Lots of others vanished too.  Delight, joy, safety, belonging....the list goes in and on.  I moderately enjoy some things, but that’s about it and it’s very rare.  I see you as the guru in the mountain top when it comes to.answering/describing this experience. You can’t tell us why, but you sure can validate it.  I’m gonna plop my butt down next to you and look out at the world as it is now from a far distance as being in it is so draining.  I know I can’t stay here forever it I’d sure like to.  

Marty, I’ve read your articles so many times I think I have them memorized.  Always a good haven when feeling you just can’t do it another day.

[widow'15]

4 hours ago, Marg M said:

It was wonderful to have loved someone so much, and that makes it so hard to define a word for living without them. 

Marg:  Thank you for your words.  You are always point on when identifying our loss.  There are no words what it is like living without them.  Dee

[kayc]

21 hours ago, Babymax said:

Just looking out at the trees swaying in a breeze is pleasant.  Unfortunately, every time I feel like my mood may be lightening, I turn on the news to hear something that takes it down again.  I think being isolated with this virus is a source of depression with seniors.  I want to see positives since it will be five years in October that I lost my wonderful husband of fifty-five years.  I cannot seem to get to a place where I feel “normal” as yet.  I wonder if I ever will, but I do keep looking for positives to make my life meaningful again.

Thank you for sharing.  Years ago I shared my story about looking for joy...it was day 11 after losing my husband suddenly, unexpectedly, right after his 51st birthday.  I was in shock, quite a grief fog.  Sometime later Harry started this thread, I'm glad he did.

I was coming out of the eye doctor's and saw a cart on the sidewalk from the store next door...on it was a refrigerator magnet (pictured)...I feel God used the dragonfly to catch my attention (it worked) as I love dragonflies.  

At first I would look over my day and think back on it, what was good in it?  It didn't matter how small, nothing was too insignificant to count!  I learned not to compare my big joy (George) with the little joys, for comparisons are a real joy-killer.  It might be something small like a stranger holding the door open for me, someone letting me merge in traffic, a phone call from  one of my sisters, a check in the mail, anything that might be deemed good.  Something happened in the process, I came to LOOK for joy, to embrace it, and to live in the present.  It was a life-changer.  I was also working on taking one day at a time...I live by that still these 15 years later.  Am I perfect at it?  No, I am human.  But when I catch myself "going there" I remind myself to stay in today as much as possible, it helps.

Over the years we've shared our positives here...a visit with grandkids, a new puppy, a visit, anything.  I look forward to your sharing here too!  And yes, I still have the magnet up!

[Margm]

On 8/10/2020 at 12:23 PM, Babymax said:

 I want to see positives since it will be five years in October that I lost my wonderful husband of fifty-five years.

I am terrible with numbers.  When asked either phone number, I draw a blank.  Given a moment, I do know my cell phone number.  I have gone through a ritual that is strange (but I am rather strange too).  Anything published or produced in 2015, I won't watch or read.  Billy will be gone five years October 17th.  Oh, somewhere in a years time is Father's Day, Valentine's day, Christmas, Anniversary.  We had #54 in July of 2015.  Strange (need to check the thesaurus) but I keep adding the years on.  He is not here bodily, but he is here in my heart and we just passed #59.  We never made big celebrations.  I remember some.  We took his mom driving around on our 3rd (oh joy), our 25th was spent on a tiny river in New Mexico and my kids had a big banner made and attached from one end of the front of the house to the opposite side.  On our 50th, he became very sentimental and I received flowers, cards, reminders all day. (I forgot to get him a card), that was my biggest remembrance.)  Billy was a kid..  He loved presents.  Kelli ordered him one pair of hip waders one birthday or Christmas and two pair came in.  He wanted to keep both of them, and he did.  My "Billy the Kid" is very much missed by his own family.  My birthday is this week and I really hate remembering them.  My kids seem to want to remember though.  I am like my Grandma who hid the gifts she was given for Mother's day, Christmas, and her birthday.  Then, special occasions she would re-wrap them and re-give them.  Many a time someone would say "I gave her that last Christmas."  But, with him gone, the dates fall on me like a lead balloon.  There are good days, there are bad days, and the way we have it now there are vanilla days that we ask "did it rain today" and someone says "I don't know, I have not looked outside."  We are all sort of a live, human, robot, zombie, and we hurry in, don't look up, get what we need, hurry out, come home, change clothes, shoes, shower (and I'm so tired of showers).  One thing I have perfected, I do know how to bitch, but I've always had that ability.

[Gwenivere]

1 hour ago, Marg M said:

I am terrible with numbers.  We are all sort of a live, human, zombie, and we hurry in, don't look up, get what we need, hurry out, come home, change clothes, shoes, shower (and I'm so tired of showers).  One thing I have perfected, I do know how to bitch, but I've always had that ability.

I wish I was bad with numbers in this grief stuff.  I’m always so aware of time passing.  Like you are 2015, I am the same about 2014.  I hate seeing anything with that year on it.  Now I have been noticing things after that that Steve never got to see, like a great TV series I knew he would have enjoyed.  Breaking Bad was our fav show, but he never got to see Better Call Saul.  It’s the same with movies I watch now.  Someone asks how long has it been and I know to the month.  Three are certain dates in the past I remember like our last significant anniversary because he gave me a ring.  My 50th birthday he rented a limo as I had never been in one.  How things went wrong as the heat didn’t work and it was winter.  A picture on his bureau of me in a hat he bought me saying.....is this woman really 40?   There is a picture on the family wall of him hugging me from behind at Christmas he put 2000 on when he printed it.  We were so happy.  Always plans unconsciously.  We were living.

Now it’s all medical stuff.  This or that is wrong.  Oh, we found this Nd now you need to do that!  A far cry from limo rides or feeling like celebrating holidays or just having a day we were together doing anything.  I wasn’t just robbed of him, I was robbed of special times.  There are none.  It is a zombie like existence.  Lather rinse repeat.  Over and over again.

I still bitch.  Like you, I have that perfected.  Used to be about life stuff, neighbors, noise, abandoned cars by our house, the usual stuff.  I don’t really do that much anymore because I’m too tired and I just don’t care.  Only lost my temper once with the neighbors for an RV they rev like thunder and flood my house with diesel fumes.  That was when Ally was still with me and frustrating me about taking pills. Now she’s gone and I really wonder why I am here.  I’ve gotten so quiet.  Not like me at all.  Nothing to talk about except med woes.  Can’t feel others happiness like a friend getting a puppy.  

All I see are hassles coming....Medicare and having to set up supplements.  Made the mistake of calling about it for info only and finding out this is going to be a hassle.  

Love the results of showers, hate doing them.  That’s from being old.  Also not having anyone to primp for.  I also feel sweaty a lot but aren’t.  It’s a yucky feeling.  Could be from so many things.  Gawd, to have a day that was doable.  I’ve given up on that.  

[Gwenivere]

I set up the memorial for Ally today.  Very emotional and of course brought that pain fore front.  The guy that was with me when she left is coming over Saturday and we can spread her ashes wth Steve’s and Belle’s.  I feel as I did years ago.....give anything to have them back.  Pay any price.  If only.......

https://www.lapoflove.com/pet-memorial.aspx?memorial=11504

 

[kayc]

How wonderful your vet is to have this!  Beautiful and caring.  That she was a service dog is special too.  I believe she's waiting for you in the spirit world where she'll know no more pain, no more aging.  

[Margm]

We had a golden and she was all love.  Dixie was her name.  I'm short and she loved to be loved.  She knocked me over (I didn't have far to fall) and she had me right where she wanted me.  She had me where I could not move but to allow her to love on me.  Sweetest dispositions of any dogs we ever had.  Even the labs.  

 

[Gwenivere]

Golden’s and labs are the most popular dogs by disposition.  We’ve had 2 Golden’s, and our mixes have had lots of lab in them.  I can see age catching up with people in my world.  Only one had a small dog.  For those considering another they are downsizing.  It’s just getting too tough to deal with a large dog if they need help.  Lots of people can’t meet the exercise needs of larger dogs.  All dogs need it, but many worry about falls if pulled too hard.  

A friend is coming up Saturday to put Ally with the rest of the family.  Not sure how I’ll handle that.  Had counseling today and told her she was right, the grief about Steve was just as intense.  I had a dream about a cousin lost years ago and we were trying to do a Zoom meeting but couldn’t get it to work right.  I SO wanted to talk to him.  Just getting slammed with memories of so many people I’ve lost.  So many people I took for granted would always be there.  Had anyone told me I would wind up here in time I’d think what a cruel future.  And here it is....my present.

[kayc]

I grew up with a lab, runt of the litter, he was sweet.  I've had goldens too, Arlie was Husky/Golden Retriever.  They're wonderful dogs.  Had a golden when my kids were little, he was so good with them, so gentle.  Arlie's best friend was/is a lab.  I miss her, never get to see her anymore since the pandemic.  I hate the pandemic, you miss a year in a dog's life, you miss a lot.

Gwen, I know Saturday will be hard but I hope also special and wish you some healing and peace and comfort as you lay her to rest, I'm glad your friend is coming to be with you.  I could not have done any of this w/o my son with me.

[Gwenivere]

Thank you to all who lit a candle for Ally.  Every one lightened the load a little bit.  I still haven’t adjusted to the void she, and because of her, Steve has created.  I’m sitting here in a fog not knowing what to do with myself.  The inability to walk easily and lack of places to go from the virus are a huge challenge.  Pretty much anything I try and do will just add more pain.  I may put her ashes out this evening.  My friend is coming up Saturday and I need him to put away the portable AC.   I know he would do this with me too, but I’m going crazy feeling no purpose being here.  People have called about repairing the deck, my dead tree, Medicare and I just want to scream saying none of that matters!  My baby is gone along with my best friend.  Not their fault, but that doesn’t matter to my heart and mind.  I gotta go somewhere first tho.  Escape this house!  I’ll never get used to not having needs like when I had a family.  I’m sure the news will be the usual.  A forever changed world and whacko politics.  The weather is the only thing that makes sense.

[kayc]

This is one of the worst years of my life.  That said, we all know it's not the WORST year as that was when I lost George.  It has been so rough losing Arlie, losing Kitty, this unrelenting pain in my hands, struggling to survive, do what I have to do.  Let alone the world seems to have gone nuts!

It only makes sense that I try to control what I can as there is so much beyond my control right now, and getting my health under control has helped my frame of mind.  This week I cut my diabetic meds in half, next week I intend to go off of them completely, will see how it goes, so far, so good!

Gwen, I hope you did get out and get a little break.  I haven't gone anywhere this week but intend to this afternoon.  Maybe it'll do me good.  Last night Kodie had Bella over for a play date...watching him run so fast and happy, playing with her, was medicine for my soul.  I still wish Arlie were here and could join in.

[Gwenivere]

I hope getting out helps, Kay.  It’s an addiction for me mentally.  Never, ever stayed home all all day unless snowed in.  Even then t was see how far I could get in the snow as being trapped is the worst feeling to me.  I already feel that internally.  

it sounds like we both are looking for some control.  We desperately need that where we can find it, all of us.  It’s so easy to be tossed around by life. We’re found that out in the biggest of ways.

i did get Ally’s ashes spread and watered in.  It was back breaking but it was nagging me she hadn’t finished her journey and needed me for that, one last thing.  I’ll miss being needed again.  

I had talked to my grief counselor about feeling so weak and unlikeable.  I thought I had frustrated her with my need to feel pity for myself last session.  She apologized thinking she hadn’t validated me.   But she did by letting me talk and not interrupting.  I took it she didn’t like me that way.  Now I have to tell her she didn’t do anything wrong.  

This is the worst year for me too, not counting 2014.  I don’t know why so many things converged.  But they did and I can’t change them.  I’m trying to do regular stuff like home maintenance and there has been obstacles every step of the way.  Not one thing has gone as planned.  Medical stuff is a debacle.  The Medicare year.  All things that push my limits.  Make the thought of getting up harder each day.  I could barely stand at the door to throw the ball for Melody. 

I’m adding supplements, you’re trying to get rid of diabetes stuff.  It’s always something now.  I hope you can, Kay, to maybe simplify your life a bit.  I hate having all this stuff to do and take now beyond what I did for a long time that seems like nothing now.  

Im glad you got to see some dog play.  I miss that and having 2 kids around to keep it more social around here.  It’s what I’m used to.  

[kayc]

Wow, you spread her ashes by yourself?  I thought you were doing it today with your friend.  That is a huge thing to try to do alone.  

Blood sugar 109 this morning, it'll probably be 120 when I go totally off the medicines, but I want off of them, not good for kidneys long term and Lord knows what else.  Maybe I can tackle the statins next or blood pressure medicines, who knows?  They readily put us on all this crap without warning us and I know I trusted the doctors to do the right things and can see now nothing was handled right.  George has been an immense amount of help as his knowledge way exceeds mine.  Just learning all this stuff has been eye opening!

Poor Kodie, I discovered last night that Bella injured his ear in many places inside it, not going deep inside, thankfully, I put some Neosporin on it to hopefully prevent infection.  Will have to be careful with it the next few days so it can heal.

I can't say this has been my worst year as I've been through so much in my life but it definitely rates up there, each one uniquely bad.  One thing's for sure, I doubt there'll be another like it, and I think for worldwide bad, this is it.

I enjoyed getting out yesterday but worried about Kodie being home alone too long, he was fine, taking a nap on the couch when I got home!  I let him stay up late to make up for it.

 

[Gwenivere]

I planned I’d do the ashes thing today with my friend.  But the incompleteness of this pain got to me.  What’s odd is I really didn’t feel anything at the time but doing the chore.  It wasn’t til I got inside I realized there won’t be any more physical contact.  Just tangible remnants of toys and leftover fur here and there.  Even how Melody has changed brings reminders. This is gonna be a tough one.  More so, as we said, because this is a dog, not a person for talking with people who I’m down.  I can’t believe the energy I find to be such a good actor so often.  

I research anything doctors prescribe for the very fact they really know little of side effects or downplay them.  Easy to do if you’re not the one taking them.  I hate when they don’t accept something I experience they never heard of trying to keep me on it when my body says no.  I don’t mean like little tweaks needed or better times.  I mean my body is definitive it’s a no go.

sounds like some intense dog play there!  Is Bella a pup with razor teeth?

i never really ranked bad years until losing Steve.  That will always be first. But since then, there haven’t been any good ones.  The first year I was in shock so I did a lot of 'positive' things. Framing pictures, getting the yard done, etc.  I could also take care of the house by myself.  Now I doubt I could sweep the kitchen floor without agony.  So this started a downward spiral.  I try and do things often finding how hard or impossible they are and it adds more depression.  It bothers me my housekeeper is not optional anymore.  Granted I am 64, but all I have across the board have been told is the back surgery.  It could be the miracle, it could be a sentence of incurable decline.  I’ve never been a gambler so I’m looking resistant because a failure would mean back to this and no Steve and a long journey to find that out.  Even darker, having to relocate for assistance.  I’m absolutely petrified at that thought.  

I’m pretty sure Melody does her skittish awareness of noise when I’m gone.  She seems to sleep more in the evenings when things are done for the day like neighbors inside and trucks not going by.  But she’s always up for play if I instigate it.

 

 

[kayc]

I think Bella must have got her paws into Kodie's ears, mom needs to have them trimmed and planned to do so but hadn't yet.  I cut Kodie's myself.  Bella adores Kodie and would never mean to hurt him.  Putting Neosporin on it every night with cotton ball, I think it'll heal fine, so glad it didn't go further inside the ear!

I try to research medicines now but back then I just accepted what the doctor said to do.  I had no idea statins were so bad!  I'm in a catch-22 now because they cause diabetes (at least partially responsible) and I'm wanting off the diabetic medications.  Kind of scared to make the leap, I know it'll affect my BS but it seems to have only raised it a few points when I cut it in half.  Not worth taking for the side effects on down the road!

Poor Kodie, being a puppy with an old person who is tired/short after a long day has to be hard.  He is all over me, won't leave me alone for a second when all I want to do is relax & unwind.  During the day time I can handle it, at night, not so much!  I need another person here to split it up with, but alas we both know that's good and gone.  

You will make the right decision for you, Gwen, it may take you a while to figure out but you'll get there.  You're amazing!  Seriously.

[Gwenivere]

Thanks, Kay.  I will have to make a decision someday.  Just not today or tomorrow.  This is when that one day at a time phrase is so appropriate. There was a time in life we could prepare for everything.  Simpler times.  Because we had so much more of it.  The stuff we face now is tremendously serious.  Unlike before.

i hope Kodie's ears are OK.  A buddy just got a puppy yesterday.  Had a very tough night.  Even with help from her partner.  They are both in their 60’s and said....no more puppies.  I know I could not do that again, so I think YOU are amazing.  There’s a sadness in me seeing another thing I couldn’t do.  Ah yes, maybe if a had the surgery the docs would tell me.  Feh.  The truth is for all my conditions and genetics, the limits are truly flowering into absolutes.  

Every reminder brings up the biggest.  Steve is gone and I’m on my own.  It’s been that way for almost 6 years, but every time I think of it, it feels like another punch in the gut.  No matter how many times, it still hurts just as bad.  

[kayc]

Kodie has always been good at night, sleeps well, never makes a peep.  But in the daytime/evening can be very needy and requires ALL of my time & attention.  I too said no more puppies until I found out how hard it could be to get a rescue dog without a bunch of issues.  I was so very lucky when I got Arlie and Lucky.  Teddy I got as a puppy, so was Fluffy.  I don't remember much of my younger years.  I guess we have more fortitude and energy then.

Kodie's ear is looking great, healing amazingly fast!  Thanks for asking!

This year has brought enough challenges without having to deal with Medicare and pain on top of it all!

 

[kayc]

I heard from my daughter last night, we both missed sleep to visit...had a nice long talk.  Now I know why she hasn't called, she truly has been working double time!  Sent her an ebook on dementia and a couple of videos on PCOS (she has it too), runs in my family.  I've been lucky my thyroid hasn't been affected, hers is.  She's going to try to get insurance so she can get in since Don canceled hers, don't know when.

She has an opportunity to move in with her GF by Oct. 1, will save her $100/month, I know she'll miss living alone but she won't have to worry about being told to leave.  Is applying to the place right now.  Someone she's known for 15 years.

Don is starting to "rethink" things, good!  So long as she lets HIM deal with HIM and doesn't make it her concern!  He NEEDS to feel extreme regret and appreciation for what he had!