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I think it weighs on me that that time will come for me too...I haven't a clue how I'd downsize without help, especially in light of my hands, I have pain and no strength left.

I wish you and yours well in your new home and life together!

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Maybe these are not HUGE  positives"..........but, especially in the days of early grief......these can indeed be cause to feel you've done something positive!

This one is for Marty.... Once again, "hope & healing for transcending loss - by Ashley Davis Bush"  has so much wisdom today, like Marty: "Two things can be  true simultaneously: You ca

Yes, Kevin, It was just so bright this morning, I took a picture of it.  Here it went had a mystical interaction with the clouds as if a message.  The early morning for me too is the part of the day t

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Same concerns here.  I have no idea how I’d change locations.  The thought itself depresses me as it would be to a care facility.  Sometimes I feel I’m holding on here with help of a housekeeper.  So much in between is getting a little harder each week.  I’m finding it’s really registering with me that my age is an important factor now.  In my 50’s I still was very vital with the minimal signs.  The last 2-3years has rapidly hit me with so many things.  I get so mentally frustrated and realize I’m mid 60’s and not one of the luckier ones.  I just never envisioned myself as an 'old lady' but have become one.  My face doesn’t look that old, but my posture, walking, thinned gray hair and all kinds of sounds I make moving around are absolute, undeniable truth.  Just wish I could sleep easier.  I do go into dead sleeps, it’s the rituals of getting comfortable that annoy me.  I just don’t feel this old in my head.  S it’s a battle every day between that no my body.  For example, I never thought twice about standing up. I do now.  I so want to take a walk like I see people going by every day!

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9 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 Sometimes I feel I’m holding on here with help of a housekeeper.  So much in between is getting a little harder each week.  I’m finding it’s really registering with me that my age is an important factor now.  In my 50’s I still was very vital with the minimal signs.  The last 2-3years has rapidly hit me with so many things.  I get so mentally frustrated and realize I’m mid 60’s and not one of the luckier ones.

Gwen:  I so understand your feelings of desperation.  Your health issues alone are enough to deal with as well as grieving for Steve and Ally.  Had your spinal issues not have progressed so rapidly you could probably be able to fight the battles being alone offer us.  Just in case you are still thinking about surgery,  I had a rather lengthy conversation with my SIL in Portland over the weekend.  I think I had mentioned before she  had surgery last July.  She is now doing quite well.  She even offered to come help me move boxes to my new place.  She is 78, and is no longer relying on pain pills now that she has healed.  It was not an easy surgery and she did not have to go to rehab, since she has a partner.  I am pretty sure it was a laminectomy. 

And, like I've said before, as long as you are content where you are, there is no reason to make a move until you are ready.  Just keep holding on where you are.  Take care, Dee. 

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Thanks, Dee.  I looked up your SIL's procedure.  Both involve decompression.  Hers talked about removing bone to help relieve more leg pain.  Don’t know if she had hardware installed which I would and is more for the lower back.  It’s all so complicated with long rehabs.  I was told I would have to do rehab even if Steve was here.  They'd be replacing discs as well.  The biggie for her and I is stopping the compression on nerves.  So many variations.  Also it would be a month away from home to get me going again if it works.  Read mixed results on mine.  
 

definitely trying to hang in here.  A new bed might help if I could find one.  Hard to do when your impaired to shop.  Buddy us recommending a weightless kind that has no pressure points.  Outrageously expensive add I don’t want another big bed.  I could easily do with a double, then add in linens and it gets complicated.  Like all the jeans I can’t wear anymore because of the bloated slouch.  
 

sorry for the whine.  Late night blues.  🥱

 

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Completely different subject here, but....

I stepped outside at 2am to throw something in the recycling bucket and this really happy, totally confused bird was just singing it's little heart out in the middle of the night. Couldn't see the bird, but it sounded kind of pretty. I don't see many birds here, sometimes sparrows or doves. I remember the beautiful cardinals in Kentucky.

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That’s cool, Karen.  I’m used to the daytime birds, mostly crows right now.  Spring will bring out sparrows, woodpeckers and blue jays.  It also brings out nightingales that will sing day and night til they all find mates.  They are quite loud too.  Always seems to a lone one finally.  Always feel sorry for the guy.  :)

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14 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Don’t know if she had hardware installed which I would and is more for the lower back.  It’s all so complicated with long rehabs.  I was told I would have to do rehab even if Steve was here.  They'd be replacing discs as well.  The biggie for her and I is stopping the compression on nerves.

Gwen:  Yes, her surgery involved hardware.  You're right, whichever surgery has mixed results.  My daughter's back surgery some 20 years ago resulted in constant pain.  She eventually had hardware removed hoping for relief.  Now she is wearing her pain pump that allows her some kind of life.  In fact, my daughter was amazed her Auntie came through the surgery so successfully.  Could be improvements of techniques.  I so hope you will find a solution soon. 

You go ahead and whine all you want.  There are times we need a good whine or a big glass of wine.  LOL.  I'm finding my old lady figure has definitely changed during the pandemic due to being less active and another year older.  My jeans are shrinking at the waistline, but the length is growing longer.  Last time I was at doctor's office, 2019,  I had shrunk about 2" in height.   Hugs, Dee 

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13 hours ago, KarenK said:

I don't see many birds here, sometimes sparrows or doves.

Karen: How neat to hear a bird at that time of night.  After Bob passed away I used to continue feed the birds in my yard until I noticed a rat in the bird feeder one day.  From that day on, I decided I didn't want to encourage that behavior anymore.  I'm not into setting rat traps and would be afraid the grey squirrels would get caught in a trap.  We used to get doves in our yard and enjoyed hearing their calls.  Not sure I have ever heard a nightingale before.  Dee

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Dee, you’d know a nightingale if you heard it.  It’s unmistakable and the only bird you’d hear at night.  Seems they look for mates 24 hours.  
 

it’s such an esteem hit when you can’t button your pants.  I’ve never changed sizes in over 40 years.  I was a healthy weight when young, got underweight when taking care of Steve, now plump in the tummy and thighs.  It’s the slouch and inactivity.  Definitely not overeating.

I’m so sorry your daughter had that experience with back surgery.  What a pain to have to go through surgery again and be on a pump.  
 

one thing I make sure of is I never run out of wine.  It upsets my stomach now, I think, but it’s a trade off for the relaxation for at least an hour a day before bed and being able to fall asleep not fighting my racing brain.   🍷

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I've shrunk too, not sure how/why since my bone density tests are all good.  But according to them, I'm 4'10 1/2" now instead of the 5' 1/2" I used to be.

When my sister went through her back surgery, she had two crushed vertebrae from a fall, she was in worse pain afterwards than beforehand, had to go to rehab for over three weeks (my ins. only covers 3 weeks so she's lucky hers is better) AND she had a husband to take complete care of her, the house, laundry, cooking!  She was on suicide watch because of the pain, couldn't hold food/medicines down as she kept vomiting from the pain & pain pills.  The ensuing year was very hard but she's glad she stuck it out as she doesn't have the pain anymore, and other than her ever present balance issues which necessitate her walker, she's doing okay.  But she does nothing for herself, people bring her meals, she hasn't cleaned the house in months.  She manages laundry & does dishes when she runs out.  A neighbor even takes her garbage out, another neighbor brings her mail to her, a friend takes her to get groceries, I do the rest.  IMO she'd be better off attempting to do some things as she just sits all the time and has gained so much weight in the last few months!  It's going to kill her.  She hasn't been to the doctor in about two years, has had no skin cancer checks and never had a colonoscopy, both which are needed in my family.  I worry about her and talk to her every day and bring Kodie to visit her along with meals to eat.  

Gwen, I sure wish your life was easier or there was some solution.  BTW, your "signature" says it all!

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I’m not aware of much of my family history as they didn’t talk about it around us kids and were gone by the time we were young adults.  Many were alcoholics so causes of death often were just assumed that was the major cause.

I'm not planning any tests that are recommended.  For the major pain they’d be and no way I could see doing treatments if there was something wrong.  My back pain and trying to stay mobile and sane from the pain is the fight every day.  Sometimes I wonder if waves of nausea I get are from that.  If I didn’t have the back pain I’d probably do some of the noninvasive tests all the docs want.  I’d still skip the colonoscopy.  I don’t think I’d need a endoscopy if I could stand straighter and not be crushing my whole abdomen from chest to groin.  
 

I feel for your sister.  Is it like she gas given up?  You said ‘had' a husband.  I assume  he is gone now?   I’m glad she has you.   I sometimes think, with all the things I hire out,  now I need someone to get the mail.  It’s depressing.  My trek to look at new TV's yesterday was such an ordeal.  That kind of thing should be fun.  I’d love to sit outside and enjoy the sun and run Mel ragged with the ball.  Just plain hurts too much.  Tho sitting on the couch isn’t much better except I can’t exercise her.  I feel very bad about that.

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Yes, they were married 50 years, he died 9/23 just five days after learning his cancer wasn't treatable.  He'd only learned of the cancer two weeks before.  He went fast.  I'm having my daughter up for Easter for dinner but want to take Peggy some dinner too, just plan on pulled pork, salad, and dessert.

We need Colonoscopies in my family because we get precancerous polyps each time, the fact that Peggy has never had one scares me, it's a helluva way to go!  She gave up on life years ago, she's on antidepressants but is still depressed.  I told her once that she seems to be committing passive suicide.  She agreed.  :(  

Yesterday was beautiful, I had to change out of my winter clothes and into shorts and a tee, but the shorts are two sizes too big so had to tuck in my shirt and cinch up a belt, which I hate wearing.  I've looked the last couple of months for Bermuda shorts but there were none in my size.  I don't want to buy online as I'd eat shipping both ways if they didn't fit, if I get them at a store I can return them.  

This is a hard time of year (shoulder season) to heat with wood only!  Either it's hot or it's freezing outside, and inside reflects it.

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15 hours ago, kayc said:

I told her once that she seems to be committing passive suicide.  She agreed

That’s a powerful description.  Sometimes I wonder about that myself.  I’m offered so many tests for fixes, but I just can’t summon the voluntary agreement.  I need a reason beyond myself.   Tho I also know if I felt better, I might find a better frame of mind.  It’s like a maze with no exit.

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I don't see you in that mode Gwen, on the contrary, I have seen you struggle through everything, strong survival instincts, but you're facing a lot of roadblocks, whereas Peggy just refuses to deal with anything.  For instance, yesterday I told her the city has a program to give away air filtration systems and will replace the filters free at the end of the year (they got a grant), I told her to call the city and get on the list.  She said, "Well it wouldn't do any good as I can't pick it up."  Oh good grief!  She has me and her friend that would drive her!  Yeah, let's just cry defeat without even trying!  She needs help getting the smoke out of her house, and I reminded her it would really help when the pollen count is high or we have wildfires going on!  My sister bought her a unit once and we don't know what she did with it, likely never bought a new filter and who knows where she put it.  I told her my system cost me a FORTUNE and the filters for them and the vacuum are $550/year!  She can get this for FREE!  But I don't think it's too much to ask her to make a phone call on her own behalf.

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She sounds severely depressed.   Simple things I often feel or find ways to be defeated without trying.   There are several things I haven’t looked into because I just can’t care and the thought of getting done feels like too much.  My depression is taking over more than I want along with the pain.  
 

Got woken this morning by the fire alarm.  Lost a half hour sleep.  Couldn’t get back to painless sleep.  buddy coming over today to take Mel to have her nails trimmed.  Don’t think I can get in his car with my back.  Hoping he doesn’t stay long as I just want to cry.   Having a day start with an ear splitting siren did not help.

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I had my carbon monoxide detector awaken me repeatedly a year ago, it required getting a step stool and trying to figure out how to reset it over and over again.  Turns out it has a built in battery (supposed to last ten years, it'd been two) which the company said was faulty and to send it back, so I did.  It came back and I can't figure out how to put it up, so it sits still.  I reckon it'd still go off if it needed to so I don't worry about it.  My son said to make a list and so it waits.

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That's cute!  I was nervous watching it as Kodie killed one pouncing on it when he was little.  This butterfly looked like it was toying with him as well!

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Two moves in 10 days has all but physically drained me.......the initial move had a moving company and I thought it was fine(truck too small).....five days later move finished.....Step daughter then required help so I agreed to assist with my Boys and two grandsons. One flight of stairs was super difficult, and we packed the rental Truck....Haven"t worked this hard in years....Its over and I will never move again, move any furniture......Good news, Cat loves new place and I got my Covid shot....

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Maybe it's helped your BS!  Would not want to do that long term though!  I hope you can soon rest!  Glad your cat loves it there!  I wish you many happy years there!

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The exercise ,and above all the cardio ,really showed up with my BS....I was sucking wind.....Young guys moved twice as fast as me....Even now mid 6 "s for BS.........Minor roofing on Thursday after Windstorm on old property...Stay safe

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Well I can only say, GOOD FOR YOU!  It's your hard work paying off!  Good luck with the roofing...

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Found Hershey’s white chocolate flavored birthday cake kisses.  Oh my gawd!  If that isn’t a positive, I don’t know what is.  Highly recommended for those that love the taste of frosting!  🎂

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