I Was There When It Happened

[leftbehind]

My Dad died of a heart attack last month and I was there. I tried to help him but nothing I did helped. It was horrible and I keep replaying it all over in my mind. Anybody have experience with this?

My Mom past away last November, it was hard because she sufferered so much (cancer) but it was almost a relief. This is so different. I have to take sleeping pills now to sleep and I'm considering taking an anti-depressant.

[SharonK]

I'm so sorry for the loss of both of your parents. Since it's only been a month, the pain is still very real, I know that. My Dad passed away in April not from a heart attack, but like your Mom, from cancer. It wasn't long and drawn out. It was relatively quick and very unexpected. I was there with him as he took his last breath and it is something that I wish I could forget but it will be there with me forever. It was the most helpless feeling I think I will ever experience in my life. I tell myself that there was nothing that I or anyone else could have done, but I can tell you that as the months have gone by the thoughts of that morning creep into my thoughts a little less. I guess the cliche of "time heals" really does hold some validity. When those thoughts do get in, it hurts and then I tell myself that he's ok and he's in heaven watching over us. When he left, I know that God was with him and he wasn't alone. People tell me that I should be happy I was there, that it's a wonderful gift...I'm still not sure about that, but as time goes by maybe that will change. Do not feel guilty that you could have done something and you didn't!! You did everything you could and you were with him. I'm sure your Dad wouldn't want you to torture yourself. When I feel bad, I talk to my Dad. I know he's there. I hope you find peace. I will keep you in my prayers.

[Guest Guest_sarah_*]

My dad died of a massive heart attack last Feb. Our stories are a little different because my dad died alone. I dont know if he suffered or if he was scared. Sometimes I play a mock version of what I think my dad may have gone through and it kills me that I wasnt there in his last moments on this earth. I know that seeing your father that way must have been difficult, but find peace that you were with him until the end. I am sure that was comforting for him.

[Guest Guest_rebecca_*]

My father went into cardiac arrest in October. I too was with him when it happened. He survived, but did not get oxygen in time and was brain dead. I made the decision to take him off of life support. I had discussed that with him and knew it was something he didnt want. I do find myself replaying what happened in my head over and over, but I realize I cant blame myself. I only wish I had known cpr, that is what I'm so torn up about. It Has been very difficult and I know where you are coming from. The thing that is bothering me is that when I get home the answering machine no longer blinks. No one calls me. What happened to the support I thought I was going to get? I have sat at work and cried and no one said a thing to me. I cant believe that people would think I should be over this. I am angry! The hardest thing is going to be getting through Christmas without my father. I have no reason in the world to celebrate Christmas.

[Guest Guest_dester_*]

Rebecca,

My dad died of a heart attack when I was 19. He was at home and no one knew CPR....maybe it could have been different, but it wasn't. I know the pain and guilt that causes, but what happened..happened. There is no changing it now. I'm beginning to think everything happens for a reason and I have to look for lessons and positive things in everything. Maybe I can learn something from my pain...maybe you can too. One thing we learn is compassion for others. That can't be learn if you have a life with no pain and suffering.......I wish you well and hope you find some peace in this time

Dester

[Guest Holly]

It is 3:34 am Dec. 8th. My Dad died last night at about 9:45 or so. My mom called me because he just collapsed. He had diabetes and heart disease. I only live two minutes from their house, but by the time I got there, about five minutes after he fell, he was already dead. I have a nine year old daughter and a four year old son. They spent yesterday with my parents and they don't know what has happened yet. It will be so hard for them. They just saw him and he was acting fine like he usually did. I dread the morning because I will have to tell them. I am so sad and it is so odd. When I got over there, his tv was on, a fresh ice water was by the bed, the remote was on the bed and teh blankets were pulled back. He was doing his normal thing and within seconds he was gone. Just like that. One minute a living breathing person, the next second gone. It is so odd. and weird.

[Guest John B]

We're thinking about you Holly.

[Guest Guest_beth_*]

My dad died of a massive heart attack last Feb. Our stories are a little different because my dad died alone. I dont know if he suffered or if he was scared. Sometimes I play a mock version of what I think my dad may have gone through and it kills me that I wasnt there in his last moments on this earth. I know that seeing your father that way must have been difficult, but find peace that you were with him until the end. I am sure that was comforting for him.

I have to agree with you here. I was with my father and so glad I was. Like the other writer, i also saw and heard him take his last breathe. the memory is so horrible, but had i not been there i would be doing what you are doing; agonizing over whether he was afraid or aware, or calling for me. The only thing we can do for someone that is leaving us is to be there with them. when i find myself agonizing over the memory i picture my father telling me not to worry or cry-he would never want me to feel so bad, so i try not to for him.

[Guest lizzy]

My Dad died of a heart attack last month and I was there. I tried to help him but nothing I did helped. It was horrible and I keep replaying it all over in my mind. Anybody have experience with this?

My Mom past away last November, it was hard because she sufferered so much (cancer) but it was almost a relief. This is so different. I have to take sleeping pills now to sleep and I'm considering taking an anti-depressant.

My mother died in my car on the way to the hospital... She had been sick with a stomach virus that had been going around. She had been sick for a couple of days on and off... I was worried she was dehydrated so I went to her apt. and got her, She seemed ok, just needed fluids. About 2 minutes after putting her in my car I noticed she couldn't lay down in the back seat... She was sitting back with her head lifted gasping, I thought she was about to get sick so I stopped the car and laid her on her side so that she wouldn't choke. I heard a strange noise, looked back and she had fallen to the floorboard of my car. I called for an ambulance, by the time they got there she had already passed, but I didn't know this at the time. Following the ambulance to the hospital all I could do was call people to pray for her to be ok, I was so scared.... I sat in the waiting room, the family had met me at the hospital by this time. I was a mess, absolutely broken... Saw the Dr. walk in and he told us she had an anuresim. Now all I can see is her on the floorboard and them taking her out of my car lifeless... God, I miss her so much, will this deep pain ever go away?

[LoriW]

My Mom died 2 weeks ago today. I was not there but my Dad called me at 5:41 AM to tell me he found my Mom on the floor and that they were transporting her to the hospital. She died less than 5 hours later and I was 5 minutes late getting to her before she finally passed away.

I keep reliving the last time I saw her in my head. My family spent Thanksgiving day and I even stayed the night (which I rarely do)with my Mom and Dad. I am trying to keep every detail in my brain to file away and have. I can still see my Mom Friday morning in her kitchen with a cup of coffee and she just finished fixing herself some toast. My girls dancing around the kitchen and her aksing them if they wanted orange juice. She had purple scrubs on with a patterned shirt getting ready to leave for work to see patients at the hospice facility she worked at. How was I to know that exactly one week after Thanksgivng I would be back up to my parents planning my Mom's funeral and the next day (Friday) a week after the morning breakfast in the kitchen my Mom would be cremated.

I cry a lot alone. Sometimes an outright ugly cry and sometimes my eyes just well up with tears. My husband who rarely cries and has yet to lose a parent said to me on the way home the night my Mom died, "Are you going to be like this forever?" I didn't want to fight about it...but he grieves differently than I do. I know he loves me, I know he loved my Mom...he did cry but he is different than me. I think he was just thinking about him and thought I would be crazy or something. I just don't want to be anyone's "downer" this Christmas season. I have 2 daughters 9 and 6 and I have yet to put up Christmas decorations. I am just having a difficult time sorting through my loss, my grief. I loved my Mom, I still do of course. I am just getting by right now and I hate that this happened.

[Guest Guest_avsqr_dancer_*]

Both of my parents died last summer, 7 weeks apart. My mom died suddenly-a heart attack, but I wasn't there. I was on my way home from a trip. I got the first phone call saying she was going to the hospital, but then the second phone call came and she had already died. I was still several hours away from home. I also worried that she died alone, but there was nothing I could do. My father ended up dying from complications of pnuemonia. I had to decide on no "heroic measures" which was what he would have wanted (I believe, since we discussed it years earlier). I went to say goodbye to him and to tell him it was okay, that he didn't have to fight anymore and that he can join Mom. He was unconscious, but I believe he heard me. I didn't stay until he died, I just couldn't do that. I knew that he would basically drown in his own fluids, but the doctors told me that they would give him morphine if needed and that he probably would be comatose or semicomatose. He seemed peaceful when I last saw him. Sometime I feel guilty that I didn't stay with him and that he also died alone, but I just couldn't stay and watch him die. It was hard enough to "give him permission" to leave-but I believe it was the last gift to give him. I really don't think there is a "right way" to do these kind of things. We all do the best we can in the very worst of situations. Although guilt is normal, it doesn't help to dwell on it, so I hope you can find some peace soon.

avsqr_dancer

[littledove67]

My Dad died of a heart attack last month and I was there. I tried to help him but nothing I did helped. It was horrible and I keep replaying it all over in my mind. Anybody have experience with this?

My Mom past away last November, it was hard because she sufferered so much (cancer) but it was almost a relief. This is so different. I have to take sleeping pills now to sleep and I'm considering taking an anti-depressant.

I understand completely what you are going through. I was with my daddy when he passed. It was an experience that I was not at all prepared for. My dad had been sick for quite awhile but that still didn't have me prepared. We made the decision to take him home after the doctor told us that it was time to preserve what dignity he had left. We did the whole hospice set up. But when the end time came, we were alone with dad. No hospice people. I knew that I was losing the only man who ever loved me unconditionally. It was horrible and a scene that I will never get out of my head. So understand where you are coming from. It doesn't get easier for me...I just go on.

[Guest Guest_Jen_*]

I lost both my parents. I lost my mother sometime earlier last month ( I hate remembering that horrible day). She was fine the night before, but when I came home from work the next day, I found her dead on the couch. I tried to perform CPR, but her body was so cold and stiff. (just too graphic) An autopsy still being done, so it's hard. I keep trying to replay what happened over and over again in my head. And it's driving me crazy. I miss her so much. I can't even believe this has happened, it still seems like a dream. I lost my father 5 years ago. One day he starting feeling sick but didn't want to go to the hospital. I tried to make him, but he yelled at me. Finally he started blacking out and I took him to the hospital. His sugar level was high and the next day he had a massive heart attack and died. For the longest I felt so bad not being there for him in his last moments. I often had thoughts about him being scared and not seeing his family before he left. It drove me crazy for years. After about 5 years, I was able to let go of those horrifying thoughts, but now my mother has left, and everything is coming back. I get so scared and nervous at night. I don't know what to do. Sometimes I wish I could have been there, because I could have done something...anything. But then I don't know. I'm so sad

[Guest Guest_avsqr_dancer_*]

Jen,

How horrible that must have been for you to have to find her. I know you probably don't believe this now, but it sounds like you did what you could-CPR. I think you are very brave that you were able to do this on someone you loved so much. Both my parents died this past summer-7 weeks apart. My mom died of massive heart attack when I was on my way back from a trip, so I never did get to see her and say goodby. My father died from complications of pneumonia and when there was nothing more to do we said no more extradordinary measures. So I went to say goodby and tell him it was okay to let go and be with mom, as difficult as that was. But I didn't stay until he died, that would have been too hard, but he died just a few hours later. I guess I am trying to say that we all have guilt and wonder if we did enough when it comes to the death of a loved one, but I also believe that we all do as much as we can. My brother couldn't even say goodby to Dad because he was too afraid he would die when he was there. I wish you peace during your healing process.

[pipsqueak]

Hi, I am a newbie.

May God's love and strength comfort all of you. I lost my beloved father to a massive heart attack 4th of July . He survived 6 days after they had performed some OP on him in hospital and then he went into another cardiac arrest. I had to hurrily fly back home to the USA from Germany and it was awful ( He was not even sick and nobody knew he had a heart condition) He was a vibrant man and very active. I cant even remember going to the hospital just being at his bedside. I cant remember the 14 hour flight home, I cant remember nothing at all. I literally lived at the hospital. Especially seeing that two hours before he had this heart attack I spoke to him and was making ticket arrangements for him and mom to come in the summer of 2005. God only knows how it still hurts like it is yesterday. The hardest part for me was watching daddy for the first time in his life not the bell of a ball and chattering with everyone. He laid in a medically induced coma for the whole time, we didnt get a chance to say goodbye. He was totall out the whole time. When they pronounced he had gone into cardiac arrest and if any of the family wnted to go see them peforming CPR I went. That image of my poor daddy laying limp on this bed and being pumped by this huge man pained me so much, I ran out the room screaming, then minutes later he was pronounced dead. I SCREAMED AND SCREAMNED, my dad and I were very close and I have lost my best friend, my dear father and my buddy. I stil cry every day almost. I do not take meds or pills as I feel that is not dealing with it truly. I suffer the pain and cry my heart out, I talk to him and laugh at the good times etc. I miss him oh so much, quite often I dont belive he is gone but I know but something in me just pretends he is there. I miss calling him, I miss hearing him and I miss our political arguments.

For all of you who have suffered as I have. God bless each and everyone of you. We can only pray and look to the lord for healing and strength.

thanks.