The Roller Coaster Ride Continues...

[mfh]

It has been a week of highs and lows for me....or has it been 23 months....or 6 years if I include care giving time? I feel like I am being/have been bounced around a rubber room....and it has been a challenge to count on my own responses to most anything. I keep getting ambushed, taken off guard. The tiniest things and big things have tripped off a lot of grief, pain, tears and sadness all week. The walk through this labyrinth continues. It seems that new thoughts are popping into my mind...some are insightful, others just painful, some confusing so far....all useful in some weird way but difficult to handle. I am pretty worn out from all of it. I have looked at so many pieces in this puzzle but there are always pieces that have not been turned over or put together with others....this is tough work...and tiring. I seem to roll with it in that when I am at the bottom, I remind myself that this is normal and I do not have to fix it tonight but the pain is keen and exhausting. Grieving is also very lonely....no one knows MY loss just as I can't know any one else's and the longer this journey the more difficult it gets to pick up the phone and call someone to talk to (especially at midnight, of course) though I do know if I really got really desperate I would do so and hope they could hear me (one never knows, you know)...sometimes it feels easier just to deal with most of this myself. When Bill was alive, I could ALWAYS count on him to hear me, hold me, and it is so so hard to not have his empathy and understanding when I hurt so much and need it more than I ever have in my entire life. I don't know if I will ever get used to him being gone from my life. No one can ever be him-that alone is huge to comprehend. It is almost midnight and time to call it a day before the faucets get turned on again.

Peace to all of us,

Mary

[mik]

My heart goes out to you. It is the hardest to deal with especially at night when we are alone. You are in my thoughts and I am praying for your peace.

[widower]

I am so sorry for your pain and loss. It is often hardest late at night (or for me first thing in the morning and wondering why bother to get out of bed). I have not endured this nearly as long as you but am already weary from it as well, so I admire your tenacity. I wish you the best in surviving another "milestone" timeframe.

[Salley]

And Peace right back to you Mary. I am so sorry for your pain. If shedding tears is so beneficial, we must be on top of the world, right?!

My mother-in-law (by the way, is she still my MIL??) called me last night and said she had been feeling really low all week and thought it might be because her husband died on Feb 21st, in 1994. I felt so badly because I had forgotten that anniversary, something I have never done before.

Beth

[mfh]

Thank you, all. Making myself get out of here today-going to the new Chazen art museum (again) with an artist friend who has to leave for Alaska very soon (she is a National Park ranger there six months of each year-at age 66 ) and she wants to see this new museum before she leaves.....the sun is out though it is quite cold. She speaks my language. It will be good to get out and be in her company...a gentle soul lives within her adventurous nature.

Peace

Mary

[melina]

Mary,

Your midnight is my early morning - literally. I think there's a 7 hour time difference between Wisconsin and Norway.

Anyway - I hope your art museum helped you get out of your pain for a while. Evenings are difficult and weekends are the worst. It's good you have an adventurous friend to spend some time with. Wish I could go to that art museum. I really ought to try to get out and do new things. Just end up shuffling around inside the house when I'm not working.

Melina

[kayc]

An art museum sounds wonderful! If only I lived nearby... I hope you enjoyed your time with your friend.

[mfh]

Yes, Kay...I wish you lived near an art museum also. It was inspiring and I saw some very touching art as well as lovely...see something new each trip....a lunch at Panera and then the grocery store we both like...a gigantic co-op in Madison that I love to shop because it has everything one would ever want. I rarely take the time but we both wanted to go. I am wiped out....was able to talk with Barbara who lost her life partner several years ago but has not forgotten the pain. I hope you can get to an art museum soon.

Peace

Mary

[mfh]

Mary,

Your midnight is my early morning - literally. I think there's a 7 hour time difference between Wisconsin and Norway.

Anyway - I hope your art museum helped you get out of your pain for a while. Evenings are difficult and weekends are the worst. It's good you have an adventurous friend to spend some time with. Wish I could go to that art museum. I really ought to try to get out and do new things. Just end up shuffling around inside the house when I'm not working.

Melina

The day was a good distraction. Sometimes I need to interrupt the spiral to get on top of things....who knows what tomorrow will bring. Yes, getting out to do new things helps. I hope you can do that a bit....Shuffling around inside the house is not a good way to spend a day...but I have done it also.

Mary

[kayc]

Beth,

I'd say she's still your mother-in-law if you want her to be. My FIL still considered me his DIL even though his son divorced me, and I visited him in his assisted living place every Friday night up until he passed away. He told me his son got the divorce, not him, he said that was between us, but he still considered me like a daughter.