It Hurts

[zaprh67]

I cry all day it is just 4 week ago that she died after 40yrs togather it hurts so much help me please

[Turquoisepony]

My dear friend,

I SO do know exactly where you are. It wasn't long ago I was in that very precise place. I know the frustration, confusion, pain, total utter fatigue, debilitating agony, the heart rendering desperation, desolation and the gut wrenching loss of losing a precious, beloved soul mate. I know you are exhausted beyond belief and care. This horrific loss, that we did NOT ask for, is so all consuming, we get too depleted to cope. Everyone's own grief is unique to them. But, we all share the same hideous, raw, clawing pain that permeates our entire being.

You have been hurt in a way that feels beyond repair. Not only are you mourning the loss of your beloved one, but you are grieving the loss of fairness in your life and the loss of your past life. Let me assure you that YOU WILL BE a stronger person for this experience. Today is my four month "anniversary" and I can tell you, it does get easier. It is, of course, not the way any of us would like to grow stronger as a human being. Unfortunately, we do not get to choose the roadblocks in our lives. But, we do get freedom of choice of how we react to them.

Would it be possible for you to consider attending a grief support group in your area? Even if you do not feel comfortable talking, just listening to the others can give a lot of comfort. If you feel safe enough, perhaps you can read everyone else's posts on this website. Above all, keep posting here. Remember, sorrow shared is halved and joy shared is doubled.

I send you a fervent wish for an easing of your pain and a whole lot of hugs, hugs and more hugs that come with lots of added strength to keep you moving forward through this pain.

Will I always feel this way?

As the days and months follow the loss of a loved one, this question is asked frequently.

As the shock of loss recedes and the pain wells within, it is most difficult to imagine a life without that person. Life after loss seems to be a contradiction of terms.

When a mate dies, the loss changes the survivor's world completely. Not only has the death caused a person a loss, but gone, too, are the roles that he or she had filled.

For instance, a spouse can often be a best friend, a lover, the financial provider, as well as the social secretary, the cook, the accountant or the problem solver.

Moving beyond the loss is more complicated when our energy levels and coping abilities are challenged by a need to assume new tasks and responsibilities.

The pace of grief recovery is totally individual. Whatever your pace may be, life beyond loss begins when a griever is able to take a realistic look at the lifestyle changes that have taken place.

Charting a healthy path towards adjustment involves an assessment of the areas of your life which need immediate attention what issues can wait and who you can ask to help.

Sometimes, considerable energy is spent trying uselessly to preserve the past. Doing things in a new way that works for you requires time and patience.

Eventually, new routines will help to restore a sense of order to your life and loosen the bonds that keep you tied to the way things were done prior to your loss.

Grief is an unwanted journey. The management of the grief process takes place gradually through time.

Often, people are misled by the old adage "time heals all wounds." But, in truth, what counts is what you do with the time after the loss.

Is there a life beyond loss? Definitely yes and, although it will be changed forever, it can still be a satisfying one.

[WaltC]

I cry all day it is just 4 week ago that she died after 40yrs togather it hurts so much help me please

My wife for just over 40 years died from cancer on April 13th. She was only diagnosed in January.

While no one can know exactly how you feel, I can relate to your feelings. I kept busy by reading everything that I could on the subject and finding Groups like this one on the internet.

Gradually it does get just a little easier to survive as each day goes by. Remember that when she died a part of you died also, BUT because you live on, a part of her lives on with you. That thought makes it bearable for me.

Here's one spot that I found helpful:

LINK

Wolfelt's book, Healing A Spouse's Grieving Heart was especially helpful to me.

Take one day at a time. I wish you well.

[kayc]

We are here for you, here to listen, just get it out and turn to us, that's what we're here for, all of us. We'll see you through it, all of us together.

[zaprh67]

thank u all for your help today is a little better i will be going down state with my grandson for a service tomorrow for my wife my wife had a stroke and 5 days later she was gone they told me to say goodby i went to see her and told her it was all right to die she sqesed my hand and 15min later she died