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Trying To Go On


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I'm Samantha, I lost my best friend one year and two months ago. Her name was Elizabeth. Thay may seem like a long time, but to me it feels as if it were yesterday that i was looking at her smiling face. I have so many emotions still and there is no one to blame, no one except for god. Who would take a sweet eleven year old girl from so many people who loved her? I still miss her alot and i guess it might get a little easier, but when i am doing all the things that she loved it makes me sad to know that she is not ever going to be here to do those things with me ever again. Even when i see certain things or her name i sometimes break out crying. I cant seem to move on and recently i got into anargument with someone who told me that i have no clue about death and that i should get over it. I nearly cried. I also lost a baby sister when i was 2 who was also named Elizabeth. I never really knew her. the doctor ruptured the cord as she was coming out and she bled to death.

Rest In Peace my sweet angel Ellizabeths I love you and miss you sooo much

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My dear Samantha,

I’m so very sorry to learn of the death of your best friend Elizabeth, and I can only imagine how difficult this must be for you. It hurts my heart to think that someone actually told you that you “have no clue about death” and that you should “get over it.”

A very wise man, Dr. Alan Wolfelt, once said that if one is old enough to love, one is old enough to mourn. Clearly you loved Elizabeth as much as anyone could love a best friend, you are old enough to miss her, and you have every right to mourn your loss of her. As a matter of fact, if you were not grieving this death, Samantha, something would be very, very wrong! When you lose someone you love so much, it is normal to experience a profound sense of loss. Grief is exactly the right response, and all that pain you are feeling is simply your heart telling you how much it hurts.

You say you have no one to blame for Elizabeth’s death, “no one except for God.” Did you know that anger is a common reaction to loss, and when someone we love is taken from us, it usually makes us mad, as well as sad? When a death happens, we feel mad because we don’t like what’s happened, we think it’s completely unfair, we're frustrated because we know it’s beyond our control and there is nothing we can do to change it. We are outraged because it is an outrageous thing that has happened to us! We might feel angry at ourselves for something we did or did not do when our loved one was alive, or we may be mad at our loved ones for dying and leaving us here without them.

We might also be angry at God. One boy said he was so angry after his little brother died that he “just wanted to slug God!” Even though such feelings are perfectly healthy and normal, we may have been taught to believe that anger is bad or that feeling angry is wrong. We may think that if we become angry at God, then in turn, God will become angry with us. Another very wise man who works with grieving children, Rabbi Earl Grollman, assures us that “It’s okay to scream at God. He can take it.” If anyone can understand the full range of human emotions and our normal reactions to loss, surely it is God! Mad isn’t bad, Samantha, and neither is sad. When you care deeply about someone who dies, it’s normal to feel all sorts of painful emotions. Tell yourself it’s okay to feel your feelings, because you have a very good reason.

Since you have access to the Internet, I want to point you to some wonderful places for kids who are grieving. Here a just a few of them:

KidsAid: A Site for Kids in Grief

Kids Health: Dealing with Feelings

How I Coped with Loss (Article by Brett Hardy, Age 14)

Activities for Grieving Children

I’m so glad that you’ve found your way to this forum, Samantha, but I also hope that you have someone you trust to talk to about all these feelings – that could be a parent, a relative, a neighbor, a teacher, or a pastor. If your mom or dad seem too busy to listen, find another caring adult you can talk to.

When you lose someone you love, you might feel lonely or scared as well as sad and mad. If you try to hold all these feelings inside, you can end up feeling even worse than you do now. I certainly want you to feel welcome to come back here and to continue participating in this forum, Samantha, but I also hope you will find someone who cares about you so you can talk “in person” about what you are feeling right now.

Wishing you peace and healing,

Marty T

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