Dream To Gut Wrenching Tears

[mfh]

Gotta tell someone this….Emailed my friend and here. I was just awakened sobbing-I mean sobbing loud and hard- from a dream. I have not sobbed like this for a long time..guttural heaving…still as I type. Feels like I will never stop but I know eventually I will. Feels like a new worse level of grief....

I was at our local General Store Cafe (a place in town where we go for lunches, coffee, music, friendship) and everything was changing there and I was trying to figure out the tax forms I was supposed to fill out because of the changes but most of all I was worried about Bill. He left three days earlier, drove somewhere, and I did not know where he was. I thought he was lost or confused or maybe sick or in an accident but I remember saying in the dream to someone who was not paying attention (no one was paying attention to my fears and worries and sadness) that in all the years we had been together we had never gone without talking to each other at least 3-4 times a day if one of us was gone somewhere and now it is 3 days since I have heard from him and I don't know where he is and why he has not called or come home and I was worried about him. I knew he would not let a day go by without calling me and now it is 3 days. I was wandering around the store looking for my cell phone which I put down somewhere and found and no message from him. The place was busy and no one cared that he was gone.

I woke up in guttural sobs and am still sobbing….like a panic attack. It is all too real today. I have been having dreams and nightmares for a couple of weeks now. I guess it is the 2nd anniversary approaching on the 27th but this one is blowing me away. I remember the day Bill died, that I sobbed like this and many times since but it has been a while. It is like he died all over again. I will get back in charge eventually I guess but I wanted to write this down and I have no clue why I am writing it here except I need someone to know. Feeling sort of foolish. Gotta stop typing and just cry.

mary

PS this part is an edit. I went from here to check email thinking that would help me stop sobbing. Here is what the first email said (about a workshop they were advertising):

Everyday Mindfulness: Waking Up to The Life You'veGot

[mik]

I can feel you pain. I was so afraid that I would dream of Dragon that before bed I would "will myself" not to dream, redirect my thoughts, turn the tv up loud, ect. Not that any of that helped. I have been very fortunate, I have had only two dreams since his passing. I think the issue with this is that our dreams can be so realistic. It is as if that person is there once again. Mine we happy times of us being on the bike. Then you wake up and the stark reality of losing that person hits you right in the face. It is overwhelming and so real that is like the time you first realized that he was gone. It is though all the work you have doner to recover has been erased. The only thing that brought me any comfort was that during the dream, I was happy, was with him once again. In your dream your were anxious beacuse he was gone and had no word from him. The fact that no one was listening brought some of your reality back into that dream as well. I am understanding of how you feel. Some people believe that when you dream of someone who has passed that they are nearby..others, Catholics for example believe that thier souls are in pergatoury and need you prayers to move forward to their place in heaven. Other still believe that your unresolved isses resurface during that period. In any instance it is painful to relive this and then wake up to have reality hit you again. Just hold on to your thoughts of him Mary. Know that he is close to you in whatever way he chooses to show you. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Kim

[Queeniemary]

Oh my dear Mary, I am so sorry. I think you are right, in that the approaching second anniversary of Bill's death may be triggering new waves, and/or a new worse level of grief. Wish I knew something wise or comforting to say to you, but you and I both know, we just have to get through it somehow. And you will, I am just sorry for the new waves of grief. I am glad you shared with us, because we do understand. In your dream, I think, you are feeling that no one misses him the way that you do, and you are right. Please don't ever feel foolish for anything you post here. A dream can trigger so many emotions, and they are as real as life. I am thinking of you.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[LarrysGirl]

Mary, those dreams feel so real, it actually shakes you to the core. I've had to sit there sometimes on my bed, hold onto the covers and get my bearings. For a moment I'm not sure whats real or not. I know they are disturbing. It must be our mind and soul trying to still make sense of something that is so hard to believe. Hope you are feeling better now, Deborah

[mfh]

Thank you all for reaching out. It took me about 3 hours to get myself calmed down. I have never had a dream/nightmare with such strong and real and deep feelings awaken me like this. I was shaking and sobbing. I still feel exhausted emotionally and physically as well as fighting tears.

I no sooner got myself sort of pulled together than my phone rang. I did not respond. A few minutes later I called the number back thinking it was a request for an ad in my publication as I approach deadline. As it happened it was a woman (local) who was trying to contact the man who is in charge of the country cemetery where Bill is buried. Her husband is near death and she is trying to make arrangements ahead of time for a green burial like Bill's. I did not know her but after many phone calls we got her on her way to contact with this man. She and I talked (mostly I listened) as she is going through now what I went through. It felt good to help but the timing was not great for me....as then I started reliving burial as I explained the situation for green burials at this cemetery, cost of plots, etc.

I am going to get out of the house for a while. It is a sunny day, the dog needs a walk and I do also. I hope I can break the spell all this has had over me but based on experience, it feels like it will be around for a while. I have tried to tell myself that the anniversary of Bill's death is just a day but the memories are playing in my heart and I catch myself reliving things more than I did on the first anniversary. Grieving is truly a labyrinth...this turn has taken me to a new place...one I do not think I have been to before.

Thanks again,

Mary

[melina]

Mary,

Maybe this is one of those "working through grief" dreams. What with the two-year date coming up. I'm sorry you've had such a tough time - but maybe it's a good bad dream - if you understand what I'm trying to say. This is hard work - and your brain is probably working overtime to figure things out.

Remember you can contact me if you need to.

Melina

[MartyT]

Mary, dear, my heart just aches for you ~ but I know that this is something you must do, in your own way, and I know you will get through it and be the stronger for it. Is there someone in your professional circle (fellow therapist or counselor) whom you trust, who could offer you a therapy / counseling session or two, just to give you a safe and confidential place to take your broken heart until you get past this milestone death-day anniversary? You are working so, so hard, but you're doing it all by yourself. Of course we're all here for you, but the only support we can offer is virtual. You know as well as anyone that this is one of those times when it may make sense to reach out for the comfort, support and reassurance that a visit with an in-person fellow professional can offer. Whatever you decide to do, however, please know that we all have the greatest faith in you ~ and we will never leave you, no matter what. ♥

[mfh]

Thank you so much, Marty. It has been a tough time esp this morning. I put in a call to a therapist (grief counselor actually) three days ago and plan to spend some time with her again. I saw her several months ago and knew I would eventually be back. Thanks so much for the support. I know I will get through this. It is just so tough. I had a real feeling this morning of PTSD kinds of nightmares....shook me to my soul....took me by surprise as I have been handling things pretty well in spite of the nightmares and dreams. Thanks, Mary

[mfh]

I most appreciate your confidence in me...it means a lot in a world that has to push people through grief and move them on....and where people tend to be ignorant of what to do or say.

I do have confidence that I am doing this well. I talked to a friend this morning...someone I can be me with and who is super warm and when we were through talking (and me through crying) she reminded me to stop in her office today for hugs, chocolate and talk. I will do that later.

I really got caught off guard today.

It feels like no matter how much support I have grief is a lonely journey...

Your support and compassion (all of you) means the world to me.

Peace

Mary

[dave s]

Mary so sorry you are having such a rough time, I have been doing well for several weeks, but last night it got to me, I was watching American Idol, which is what Mike and I did, the same time last yr, it got to me when someone did a rendition of "I will always Love You" and the tears.........

I have been changing things around the house to accomodate the new Dave, but one thing is really bothering me, the lovely couch, that Mike spent so much time laying sick on, with the afghan that covered Mike when he died.....everything else that he left me brings a smile the couch, I am fixated on.......for it only brings back sad memories.......think it is time to go shopping and get a new, used one, and move this one to the spare bedroom at least for awhile.....hope this a healthy decision.....

The weather here is wonderfull today! Need to go out and taake care of the livestock....

[kayc]

Mary,

Wow, that email must have felt uncanny to you. I'm sorry for the pain you're in, how many times I've felt like that...it finally turned into a quiet sadness, one that I carry with me. People are right, it does change us, we are never the same again. On one level we can smile at the beauty in life, on another level, at the same time, we are sadly missing them to share it with...

[mfh]

Thank you, Dave and Kay (and all),

It has been quite a day. Started with the nightmare, tears and extreme grief like I have not felt in a while.

Then Bentley (our dog) saw a young hawk in our yard when I let him out to pee. He tore after it it but turned on a dime when I called him...turning his back on his coveted prey or playmate (not sure which) and stood next to me watching. Took me about 12 phone calls to see if I could get the wildlife folks to come and get this gigantic bird and make sure it was not injured as it seemed to have trouble flying. Bentley did not harm it at all - never caught it before I called him...but he sure tried. Then my painting group in which I had no interest and left early.

I am so so tired. This labyrinthine path we are on took a sharp reverse turn today. I do not even know how I feel as I am so overtired...it drained me. I am sure my adrenal glands are screaming as they lie collapsed within this weary body. Tomorrow is another day. I almost fear going to bed tonight for the nightmares. The dreams I like even though they leave me in tears because he is gone again but this was far beyond that and so so real. It took me a while to realize I had been sleeping once I woke up.

Thank you again for the compassion and support. I shared my pain and experience with a total of 3 friends today...people who I trust and feel safe with. All reached out with love.

Mary

[kayc]

Mary,

I hope you have a better day today. (((hugs)))

[Queeniemary]

Mary I am so impressed with Bentley. My girls don't even know what a dime is. They just look at me when I call them, then continue on with what they were doing.....unless I say treats, then I get out of the doorway quickly!

I do hope that your night last night was much better, and if you dreamed, it was a good one.

Thinking of you as the second anniversary date gets closer.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[mfh]

Thank you Kay and Mary,

No dreams that I remember last night. I am back in the saddle again-back to sad but in charge to a large degree- mainly because I am totally distracted by the raptor that was still in the Arbor Vitae this morning and now is in my yard again. I tried to catch him with a garbage can but he runs faster than I do and then tries to fly to the fence. If he gets on the fence (which it seems he can not do) he will get up into my 40 foot arbor vitae. Meanwhile I have a list of 20+ numbers I have called (many of them many times) trying to get help in catching this bird and taking him to to a rehabilitation center. Finally, I got help and he is on the way. I also talked to the local DNR Wildlife Biologist who is sending me a list for people to call in these situations and I will tell my story and publish the list in the April issue of my publication, Voice of the River Valley. I have hours into this and maybe that has been good as it helped me come back from yesterday's trauma and probably saved a raptor's life.

I will post when this poor bird is safe and on its way to the re-habber. My desire to open a rehab center is deepening....but feels gigantic. Starting by volunteering might be in the future. Attached pictures of my surprisingly obedient Bentley..and the raptor.

Thanks everyone,

Mary Raptor.pdf Bentley waited on command after a chase.pdf

[mfh]

End of story. I feel like this Sharp Shinned Hawk (t he rehab guy called it) is an "angel" of sorts (I know it is far fetched) but the whole event actually brings tears to my eyes (but everything does these days) because he/she has been a total distraction from yesterday's horrific crash.

Jerry, the rehabber, picked up the raptor and took it to rehab. He examined it in the yard and had me feel the bird's chest to see that he has no muscle and is starving. He had blood on a wing so hence he could not fly. He would have died if Jerry had not come. Jerry took a small blanket, wore very heavy gloves and within two minutes had the bird in hand (not in the bush). See photo.

Never a dull moment...from the bottom of the pits to a good feeling about saving this bird to who knows where in 5 minutes. Lesson learned...no matter how low I sink...I will rise at least enough to breathe. I see my grief counselor on Monday....the sun is shining....it will be in the 60s this weekend...and Bentley gets a burger for lunch today....for stopping. see previous post.

Thanks for sharing this with me. I also have two local friends who jumped in last night and are awaiting a call. One rescues cats...has far too many cats for my taste but to each its own. The rehabber's house sounded like a zoo when I called. I will settle for one hero Golden. Sharp Shinned Hawk Saved.pdf

Peace

Mary

[MartyT]

Oh Mary, your hawk is so beautiful! Since I pay attention to coincidences, I wondered why this creature suddenly appeared in your life at this point in time. Of course, I simply couldn't resist investigating a bit about the symbolism of the hawk. I think you'll find these to be of interest:

Divine Sparks: Hawk Symbolism

Hawk Spirit Meaning, Symbols and Totem

[mfh]

Marty,

Thank you. I read all the symbolism info you sent and it is so so so right on in describing where I am, who I am and where I am going....especially the cosmic view which I have been aware of since Bill died and so much more. Perception, seeing what others do not see, etc. I will print it all out and think on it. I read all of it through tears of recognition. Thank you for looking it up. I had not yet thought of that. The hawk and I looked very deeply into each other's eyes before Jerry took him to rehab and I petted the bird's chest.

The day after Bill's burial (April 4, 2010) my brother and I went up to the cemetery. It was my 70th birthday and it was Easter Sunday. Both significant days for Bill and me. The cemetery is out in the country, up a gravel dog-leg path on a hill overlooking the area. Another very good friend was buried there a couple months before Bill died and I knew that day where we would be buried. It allows green burials. So as we drove up this path, out of the woods comes a peacock...walks along side the car. I was driving and it was right next to me. At the top it went to the gate and stood there while we got out of the car. Then it left. The following Saturday, it happened again but this time it walked in front of the car. I was with a friend who said, "Bill sent you a peacock". There are no peacocks around here. 30 years ago someone had them and they are long since gone. It was April 4...still cold. I looked up the symbolism immediately and it was immortality, resurrection and marriage/love among many things. I KNOW Bill sent that bird. So perhaps he sent my hawk. The night Bill died, I looked up from my pizza that I was attempting to eat (my brother and same friend were there) and there in all his glory stood Bill....surrounded by light...healthy, peaceful, warm, loving, arms outstretched. I told my brother and friend and they did not see it but had no trouble believing it. Jim, as a priest, said he has heard hundreds of these incidents in his 45 years as a priest. I have a painting of the event that a friend painted...she said she was not HERE when she painted it. Someone else painted it. She had nothing but old photos and my description to rely on and the painting was identical to what I saw including the expression on Bill's face. I have had a few other things happen that have no explanation also. How can I doubt that he is with me? That I will see him again?

The rehabber called and said the bird has a great chance but it will be weeks before release.

[HAP]

Dear Mary,

You had quite a day. The dream is rich in symbolism--which i am sure Marty's links did more to explain than I can. I remember very few dreams at night still. But i figure they must be hummers because not only do I not remember them, I don't want to go to sleep at night either.

I think the others--and you--are right that this is leading into the second anniversary--though the sudden appearance of the hawk in the real world makes me wonder what else is going on here. He seems to have landed at the right door, however. The animal kingdom knows a good heart when it sees one. My mother's family picked up every stray hobo who came to their door during the depression. They later learned that there was a secret sign one would leave for another to show which houses were good--and which not so good. I wonder if animals don't have the same kind of system.

My own falcon has not been around this winter very much--and has not sat on the porch since I told him the hummingbirds were not on the menu. Guess he did not like that.

My day today is better--though I am not getting much done. Sounds like yours is a step up from yesterday as well. Hope the days keep getting better for you--and that anticipation once again proves harder to deal with than the event itself.

Peace,

Harry

[mfh]

Hi Harry,

Yes, the dream is loaded. (can't find Bill, no word from him, no one cares, everything is changed, etc.) The links Marty sent are about hawk symbolism that is really apropos. amazingly so.

Your falcon speaks English eh? Wise old bird. Have you checked symbolism for falcon?

Today is better than yesterday. It would not take much to make it better...as I was at the bottom most place I have ever seen or at least seen in the last several months.

I hope today continues to be decent. It is quite possible that you do not recall dreams because you do fear any pain they could bring with them. There are techniques to help you recall dreams...happy to share if you wish. Just let me know.

Peace

mary

PS I have accomplished today: saving a bird, a ton of email, reading about hawks, and nothing else. I seem to fritter away time a lot these days. Not my normal style but I roll with it and get the essentials done. I now go to deadline time so I have to get going tomorrow. Today, I will continue to fritter.

[dave s]

Just looked up the symbolism of a hawk, one site says it is the sign if the sun and enlightened! Reminds me of the cardinal that appeared in my yard the day after Mike died and still comes frequently, they report it is the sign of the afterlife. Dave

[mfh]

This story does not want to end. It is 24 hours exactly since I saw the hawk. I just looked up and there on the telephone wire....a hawk. I watch birds a lot, feed them and I have never seen a hawk near or in my yard. Right now the hawk is on the wire and two cardinals are in the yard. I have lots of cardinals so that is not surprising as spring has come to Wisconsin. But the hawks? Dave, I love the symbolism you found.

This is what the wildlife biologist said about this particular kind of hawk. He wrote this before seeing the picture but knowing the rehab guy said it was a sharp shinned hawk. He said: Sharp-shins areAccipiters (hawks built to catch other birds) and are made for zig-zagging inand out of brush and trees. Sometimes I think they forget that they'renot as small as some of their prey and therefore can't fit through that samelittle hole in the brush pile, which usually ends in a crash for them.....andpossible injury.

This is clearly an ongoing saga. If anything major happens, I will post. The symbolism of the hawk that Marty posted is huge for me especially considering the space I am in these days. My yard is now filling up with birds...cardinals and crows and a few other common birds (if a bird can be common) mostly...I have a 35-40 foot hedge of arbor vitae around my back yard on two sides and 20 foot lilacs on the third so it attracts birds esp when I put the seed out. I won't belabor this any further. Thanks so very much for sharing. Peace, Mary

[kayc]

Mary, thank you for sharing your pictures, your dog is amazing! I liked QueenMary's comment, sounds like my dog!

[mfh]

Just got home a while ago from seeing my grief counselor. I have not seen her since October but it was a good decision that I should have made sooner. It always helps me feel less alone, heard, and lighter. I value her feedback and she believes in, respects and trusts me and my path....she has been there since the beginning so I stick with her as she knows the whole story.

I will be calling tomorrow to see how the hawk is doing. He is the subject of my next series of paintings....somehow...the symbolism in paint.

Right now I am wiped out...totally.

Peace and gratitude,

Mary