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It's been quite some time since I've blogged here or anywhere actually.

I've been busy with so many upcoming projects. Or I'm sleeping. If I'm not out working on something - sleep is my adventure ( if lucky). I dream the unwanted at times. Remembering Deric. I miss him. But that's why I'm so pre-occupied. I'm still workin on the film in honor of him. I invested all my money into a clothing store. I joined video production and a music engineer class. I have an internship going on and I'm coordinating a huge fashion show in Los Angeles for my store.

In a way, I want to feel like I was worthy of Deric's love. He had so much going for him and I was just some kid who worked full time and went to school with low expectations.

My dad's family pretty much hoped I failed. No support from them, negative comments, insults, - it didn't help.

And now that I no longer have him, his beautiful personality, his love, his encouragement, I feel like a broken record. The ONE time I ever felt that, not even from my parents, my family, nor friends, it's instantly gone. Six months already.... I'm anti-social. Not by choice. I've gone out with friends, but I feel like crying by the end of the night. Whether it's guilt of attempting to enjoy myself and his absence or watching other couples lovingly embrace each other. The emotions just manage to take that one moment away.

Cheers for a better tomorrow -

Take care.

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Dear Stacyines,

Take a deep breath. Now let it out slowly. Repeat this two or three times. You are just now starting to feel anything again. Cut yourself some slack.

You have nothing to feel guilty about. Stop trying to work yourself to death. It is OK to laugh. It is Ok to relax and it is OK to have fun.

Yes, seeing other couples is hard. There are few things worse than that for me, too. I hate feeling like the odd wheel. I wish I had a solution to offer you on that but I don't. Only time will make that piece any easier.

You have a lot on your plate. You are working. You have the film project. You have classes. But you need to give yourself a little time to breathe.

Are you eating right? Are you staying hydrated? Are you sleeping right?

As for your father's family, they do not know the person they are losing. If my wife and I had had a daughter we would have been happy to have her be as compassionate and caring as you seem to be.

Keep your chin up. You have difficult stuff on your plate, but it will get better.



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I am responding to your post. I read your first post to better understand your post today. My heart goes out to you. You are a very beautiful young women with so much in front of her. I am so sorry for the tradgey that has rocked your world. I do understand about being anti-social as well. I am almost afraid to meet other people beacuse they too might leave my life too soon. I was also promised that he would never leave me and that didn't happen either so I can also understand. It sounds like you have a lot going on..all great things, but maybe so much that you don't have time to think and feel bad. I think sometimes its eaiser to get involved and run so much that we also run away from our thoughts of that person and the pain we are in. It still finds a way of catching up with us however. Just a thought. You stated that you no longer had his love and undertanding and encouragement. I too thought that until someone here gave me the understanding that we STILL have it...it was given to us and when we remeber it it becomes real again. You can never lose what he has already given you. I don't know if that thought helps or not..I just wanted to share it with you.

Be good to yourself, you do deserve it.


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Try to reach down inside of you for him whenever you need his encouragement or comfort or understanding, it's still there, it's timeless, it didn't die with his body, his love continues just as yours does. It has been a great source of comfort to me to know that my and George's love continues to exist, even though I can't see him.

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