Beginning The Third Year...

[SJC]

Thank you for sharing... unfortunately, there is only one bereavement support group here in my area (the one that made me feel worse) and I'm not up to starting a new one but it is a possibility down the road.

I was reading through the many awesome comments written here and somewhere I read "you have to learn to accept that loss is now part of your new reality". That affected me quite strongly because I just wasn't sure what to "do" with these feelings of horrific loss, esp since I've been feeling them for so long! I wondered if they were always going to be a part of my new reality and in all honesty, the answer is yes! That feeling of loss, not just of him, but of our traditions and friends, etc... will always be present. I think I had been secretly trying to escape those feelings instead of embracing them - loss is real so to embrace it actually makes me feel a bit more free to move forward because now that I know it will always be a part of me and my life, I have more incentive to figure out how to manage it instead of allowing it to overtake me. 

[Kieron]

Good comments, all.  I wanted to add that time is starting to play tricks on me.  I had to count back and and realize, this is indeed the beginning of Year Three but it's still only been 2 years and one month.  I suppose those of you who have "been at this awhile" do something similar.

[kayc]

7 hours ago, SJC said:

loss is real so to embrace it actually makes me feel a bit more free to move forward because now that I know it will always be a part of me and my life, I have more incentive to figure out how to manage it instead of allowing it to overtake me. 

This is a powerful life-changing statement!  I don't know who said it but they were right.  Once we learn to embrace our grief instead of fight against it or try to circumvent it (which doesn't work), we can learn to accept the changes in our life...we do not like that this has happened but it's part of our journey, our story, and who we are and are becoming.

[iPraiseHim]

On 4/29/2019 at 7:54 PM, SJC said:

My husband Patrick, died 2 1/2 years ago at the age of 63. We were married for 40 years. I'm considered (so some tell me) to be a young widow since I was 60 when he died.

I'm writing because I want to know if others are also feeling what I've been feeling lately and if it's part of the grieving process. I sure have experienced everything others have shared. Numbness the first year - just trying to survive since I had never been alone in my entire life. He and I did everything together. Never even stayed alone in my house for one night without him since we were married! Crying seems second nature to me now.   The second year was difficult because I was exhausted from having to do everything myself and the reality started to settle in that this is my life and I will never see, talk to or hold or be held by him again. How could I go from being so happy to such despair. I know this is a part of life but my emotions are shouting , NO, this is not what I want right now!

Now, I'm heading into the 3rd year and I've noticed these past few weeks, a whole other level of sadness that's different than before. Maybe its because its a new season - Spring -approaching. I do remember reading somewhere that the change in seasons can also trigger grief because it brings up specific memories during that particular season of things we used to do together. I was out walking my dog (got her the day of my husband's service...given to me by one his family members) and I was aware of families being out and cleaning up their yards together, and I just lost it. I feel like I don't have that sense of belonging like I did. Not only that, most of the people who were support people, have dwindled out of my life because they think I should be over it by now. Therefore, the sense of isolation can be very overwhelming. Has anyone else had a similar experience? Do you find support groups helpful? I went to one Hospice Support group meeting and came home feeling more depressed than when I went! I'd rather do things together.... and chat...walk...shop... eat.... laugh and cry together. I would so appreciate any insights if others had a harder time going into the 3rd years. He died, Feb. 16, 2017. 

thanks all, Love and Blessings...

Sue

My beloved wife, Rose Anne,  died February 16th, 2015.  And yes the third year hit me very hard as well. We were married 25 years and the loneliness and separation from my beloved wife is still difficult to bear.  This is my fifth trip around the calendar without her and I am gradually learning to just live in the now and accept life as it comes.  I function but it seems to me dimly compared to my past life with her.  I still operate a business and try to help other people with Diabetes to learn the truth about the disease and that there is hope and healing.  Grief and healing is a part of this process of life and the price we pay for having such a wonderful loving marriage and friendship.  I just take this journey one day at a time and strive to make the best out of each day, count my blessings, and strive to push forward to the mark. - Shalom

[Gwenivere]

2 hours ago, Kieron said:

Good comments, all.  I wanted to add that time is starting to play tricks on me.  I had to count back and and realize, this is indeed the beginning of Year Three but it's still only been 2 years and one month.  I suppose those of you who have "been at this awhile" do something similar.

Time gets crazy on me at times.  I thought I was going into my 4th year when it is the 5th.  I don’t know how I made it this far.  I’m only now feeling the biggest impact ever as I now face aging myself.  And BY myself.  That aggravates conditions too.  My life is becoming nothing but medical and it’s lonely not having some support. Sometimes I wish I were younger to deal with it, but that would have meant less time with him.  Biggest fantasy is he not ever getting cancer so we could become wrinklies together.  But the time thing is very strange.  Days just blend into one another now with no significance for BBQ, take out or date night anymore.  I hate the medical stuff, but I hate the nights more.  Waking is no thrill either knowing no daily banter.  Heck, the whole thing sucks.

[TomPB]

Well year 3 continues. The pattern of OK periods alternating with grief attacks continues. The OK periods may be getting longer and better, but the grief attacks are as bad as ever when they come.

I had the thought recently that I'm starting to think of my life with Susan as something in the past. Earth people would say "Well, obviously" but you know what I mean. That really set me off. I miss her so much.

[iPraiseHim]

2 hours ago, TomPB said:

Well year 3 continues. The pattern of OK periods alternating with grief attacks continues. The OK periods may be getting longer and better, but the grief attacks are as bad as ever when they come.

I had the thought recently that I'm starting to think of my life with Susan as something in the past. Earth people would say "Well, obviously" but you know what I mean. That really set me off. I miss her so much.

Yes.  The same with me.  This is my fifth trip around the calendar without my beloved, Rose Anne.  I have been attempting to just focus on the "Here and Now".  Thoughts, memories, feelings, still come and go for no apparent rhyme or reason.  I try my best to just feel them instead of all of the other bad coping strategies I have tried before.  My Happiness/Joy seems to be at least half or less than before when we were together.  I cherished each day then and the good memories sustain me now.  I work, I continue to optimize my health, eating, exercise, etc..  The loneliness and physical separation is the toughest part of this journey.  I miss the natural feedback of knowing she love me as I am faults and everything. We were the same age.  She was one week older.  I still miss her daily.  - Shalom

[kayc]

1 hour ago, iPraiseHim said:

I work, I continue to optimize my health, eating, exercise, etc.. 

And I bet she is so proud of you!

I can't even measure the degree of happiness compared to before but it's probably something more like 1%.  Still, I do what I can to make my life worth living.

[Gwenivere]

 I don’t know what happiness is.  I may not ever again because it needs a new definition now.  I can be cheerful, nice, pleasant, helpful appreciative and lots of other things.  But happy?  It’s not something I have felt in years.  I still grimace when people tell me to have a great day.  Always the conundrum when asked how I am.  

I’m watching the world come back to life with summer coming.  Again, I am but an observer now.  Listening and watching people living life like I used to.  I look at my calendar and see lots of doctor appointments instead of BBQs or dog park trips.  Or nothing at all which was fine because I had someone to make plans with if desired.  Now I create errands so I can fill some hours.  

I sit on the back yard bench and miss the bustling activity and noise this place generated from the dogs and Steve’s music studio.  Sometimes I throw the ball for one of them, but it’s not the same.  But then, nothing is.  Never will be.  

Ill have to settle for existence still.  It’s all I have.  

[Pam Carter]

Hello. Since this is an older post, many of you may not get this response. I am starting my third year as a widow since I lost my husband in November 2017. He was sick for 2 1/2 years so I did not experience the daze that many of you have experienced. The first year goes by quickly because there is so much that you have to do that keeps you busy. Also friends and family are there for support. And you are focused on getting through the “firsts”. Christmas, anniversary, birthday, etc. Somehow you think if you can just make it thru that first year, things will be better. But then the second year arrives and it is not better - it is somehow worse. There is not much left to do and friends and family think you are ok. And the reality sets in that this is it. But the second year is also a time for reflection. We all handle grief differently. For me I realized my friends and family were very important. I didn’t just want their sympathy and support. I wanted to continue to be an important part of their lives and to do fun things with them. It takes work to have close friends but it has helped me to replace the large void of losing my dear husband. 

[Gwenivere]

My husband was sick for 4 years.  All that time I kept thinking this can’t be real.  It was the last year that was horribly bad.  You are right, that first year for me also went very fast, there was so much to do in the shock I didn’t know I was in.  Then reality started setting in and in year 5 I am struggling more than ever.  Part is my being older and now succumbing to age.  Doing it alone makes it even harder.  Paths are so different for everyone.  I kept losing people along the way.  When I really need the support it is missing.  Close friends are invaluable.  Mine drifted away and one died.  I’m glad you have found some contentment.  It’s always good to hear such things.  

[kayc]

13 hours ago, Pam Carter said:

But then the second year arrives and it is not better - it is somehow worse.

This is a common feeling in grief.  I wonder if we don't expect it to be better once we've made it through our first year of shock and firsts without.  Then we realize our lives have changed forever and we have to live with this.

My husband's death was sudden, unexpected, he had just turned 51, never in my wildest dreams did I think he'd die so soon.  I felt gypped.  It's been almost 15 years now and now I'm growing old alone.  That's a whole new ballgame.

All of our friends disappeared overnight, that further added to the sense of abandonment I had to deal with.  I've worked hard on making new friends to have some die, some move away.  Life is constant change.  I continue to work on building friendships, knowing there will continue to be losses.  Life takes a lot of effort.

I'm sorry you too have had to experience this.  It's not all bad, I've found some good "side effects" such as deepened empathy and realizing what's important in life.  But I'd throw it all in to have one more day with him!

[Gwenivere]

4 hours ago, kayc said:

Life takes a lot of effort.

It's not all bad, I've found some good "side effects" such as deepened empathy and realizing what's important in life.  But I'd throw it all in to have one more day with him!

What I miss is life not taking effort.  Not the kind of effort it does now.  Effort made sense on projects or problems.  Not on getting dressed and having to just do the mundane things we never thought about.  Even picking out something to eat can frustrate me when I made meal plans before.  My energy goes to trying to survive another day without him, the maladies of aging alone and knowing it’s not truly going to get better.  To have to experience physical and emotional loss simultaneously is hell.  I was just outside picking up dog messes, opening the car gate, getting the mail and by the time I climbed the 6 stairs into the house I felt how can I keep doing this?  Day after day of something that was so routine that I now have to hope I can do, make sure I have my medic alert pendant and limp thru as my back screams at me.  We all have to age, I get that.  It keeps going back in my head I wish Steve were here to moan to and hear a snappy retort about being an old lady.  Someone who could make me at least chuckle about it.  

As for gaining empathy, yes, I feel I’ve grown so much there and have so much more patience with people now that I know how you can’t know what someone else is battling when it used to just annoy me if they were slow or ill prepered.  I see what’s important, unfortunately I don’t have any locally (family, friends).  Purpose has become very elusive in this inner isolation.  I go many places but am so empty inside.  No burning or flickering desires for hobbies and such.

I could not take seeing Steve for a day.  Lose him a 2nd time?  No way.  Not again. I lost half of me the first time and unless he could take the rest of me with him, I don’t know what I’d become......or rather less become.

[Kieron]

20 hours ago, Pam Carter said:

But then the second year arrives and it is not better - it is somehow worse.

That's for sure.  I noticed that the 18th month hit me really hard for some reason; it just felt more real, more final.  Now Year 2 has 3 months left in it and I'll be starting Year 3.  And I had to stop and add it all up when I typed that 🤔.  Curiously, I'm finding the amount of time he's been gone is almost losing its meaning.  It's a little like staring at a black-and-white illustration and suddenly noticing the negative space, rather than the image you're supposed to be looking at.

[Gwenivere]

I like that analogy, Kieron.  I remember when I was blind to Steve in our pictures around the house.  It was my mind protecting me.  Now I see him even more in them.  I don’t notice me now.  Like I am the ghost now, which is how I feel.  The pictures are haunting.  I don’t know who that woman is that looks so happy and light of heart.  I do see two people in love and envy them.  Was that really me?  Yes.  Death stole my smile.  Death stole the light in my eyes.  Death broke my heart.  Death took my dearest connection to life.  Death unraveled the tapestry that was woven over years of facing the world with strength and opportunities.  Death stole love and reciprocal love.

[kayc]

14 hours ago, Kieron said:

Curiously, I'm finding the amount of time he's been gone is almost losing its meaning.

True, one day turns into the next, one year turns into another.  The truth is we have to do the rest of our lives without them be it ten years or fifty.   I couldn't look at the possible 40 years I had left to do so hence one day at a time.  Besides none of us really knows what the future holds.  Getting Kodie gives me something to live for because I'm his mom and need to be here to take care of him.  Other than that I could go anytime and it wouldn't hurt my feelings any.  But I don't want to leave this little guy behind to be rehomed.  I think that may have had something to do with why my son looked for another dog for me.  

 

[Margm]

On 4/2/2012 at 3:31 PM, west said:

It seems as if year one was actually easier in a lot of ways than year two...anyone have this experience?

It was four years on October 17th.  December 31st I cried unstoppable.  Have not done that in a long time.  Maybe another year ending.  Maybe a whole new 2020, and he did not see it, at least did not see it with me beside him.  And my grandmother writing in her book, the one for her grandchildren, a woman telling the little country woman "18 years, then you should be over it."  Grandma writing, "18 years, it seems like yesterday."  We have friends that remarried.  Some people are happy for them, and I am happy they have found some form of happiness.  Then my friend's second husband passed a year ago now and she somehow is going through two grievances.  She had two good guys, her children's father and a man younger than her but who had a heart attack on  their honeymoon.  She was still not lonely, she was taking care of him, almost totally for 14 years.  His wife had passed too.  Now she is double grieving and I find it hard to handle one.  How can you ever begrudge a friend finding some semblance of happiness?  Going through this twice is unthinkable.  Besides, Billy was jealous, kept it on the down-low, the last few years until a classmate visited in the hospital.  He knew he was dying and he saw someone I used to know, had not seen in 55 years, never was close friends with, but he was leaving the hospital AMA.  The guy visited  hospital sick people as an employee/volunteer from his Vietnam days as a gesture of good will, retired officer.  I am too old, have no thoughts of it, and am too afraid of ghosts.  But, I wish some happiness for people if they can find it.  I've had mine, but would have liked 54 more years, or even gone back and started at day one again.  That would be okay.  

I think we see the changing of the seasons after 2-3 years, notice the full moon (and I talk to Billy into that moon), and we take it day by day.  We put up with the inconveniences of age, and we don't envy someone that has been married 60 years because we know how bad one will hurt.  This is enough pain, mental, body, and do not want to add to it.

Do we call it grief experience or maybe experienced griever?  The experience does not really help.