Difficult Life Changes

[mfh]

Regarding Living with Loss. I think that people will come here anyway and I also remember the group leader of my spousal loss group telling us (this was 3 months after Bill died) that the second year could be more difficult. I was grateful for that as it prepared me when it actually was harder. I did not feel I was losing my mind. I will, however, go with the group...whatever people wish to do but I suspect they made their choice by basically ignoring that board. Mary mfh

[kayc]

I think it helps to have people at different stages of the journey, it helps prepare them for what's to come and people do tend to hook up with those at the same stage. When I first started coming here, there weren't many that were further out so I didn't know what to expect. It also helps newcomers to know they can survive, esp. when it feels at first like it's doubtful.

[ksbeachbum]

I have passed my one year mark this month and thought that I would feel better but that isn't the case. The lonliness is overwhelming and it doesn't seem to be getting any better. I am worried that I am isolating myself. I have commuted for the past 15 years to work and now work out of my home so I don't know a lot of people in my community. The ones I do know all work. So... again by myself. My son is 4 hours away and that is my entire family. Feeling very fragile these days. Thanks for the support here. I was trying to wean off of the support groups thinking it was time, but nothing really making me feel better. Sorry about being such a downer.

Blessing to all

Becky

[melina]

Becky,

I certainly understand your situation. My sons are my family, but none of them live closer than an 8 hour drive. I have a couple of friends I see now and then, but neither of them really get it. I have no solutions, except the one you've found - stay in touch with people on this site. At least you have someone to share your thoughts and feelings with, and who understands where you're coming from. Maybe it will make life a little less lonely.

Melina

[mfh]

Hi Becky,

You are not a downer. We are all sad to varying degrees and the support here is unique in that everyone understands the sadness, grief, pain, loss you are experiencing and it is available 24/7. Many people who have a loss such as you have had find year two to be difficult. I certainly found it harder than year one. The reality sinks in, the fog has lifted, the firsts have passed, friends think you move on and want you to do so... but here you are living with loss...and learning day by day that you really are alone and what life alone is really like. I am so sorry you are feeling so fragile. You are not alone with those feelings...I am 2 years and 1 month out from Bill's death and though I do not feel as fragile, there is a very thin membrane over the hurt and grief...one that gets torn open with the slightest provocation. I am grieving. As for weaning off the support group, there are no rules about support. If it feels helpful or good-use it. Your job sounds pretty isolating. Do you have any interests you can pursue at this point-ones that would put you in touch with people? I started art classes about 4 months after Bill died and now am in a group that paints together. Others have theater or volunteering or book clubs...interests that bring you into contact with people. I believe it is a myth that grieving lifts considerably at the one year mark...think how long you were involved with the person you lost, how much of your life was wrapped around his....I am really sorry you are hurting so much and feeling so fragile. The group is here for you...as long as it feels good to you. Peace, Mary

[kayc]

Becky, I'm kind of in the same boat except for me it's been longer. I'm alone most of the time and I live in the country so it's not like there's places to get out and meet people, and my kids don't live nearby, I seldom see them. I had friends but most of them moved away. My work was cut to part time and even when I'm at work, I don't see people much, and my commute is 100 miles/day.

Don't feel like you need to wean from a support group, if you get anything out of it, even interaction, there's nothing wrong with it. There is no prescribed time and your journey is unique, what works for one isn't the same as for everyone else. I hope you make a friend soon, I know I need to get out more, but am not sure where.

[ksbeachbum]

Thanks Mary, your kindness helps so much. I live in a small community but I know I need to do some volunteering or something. Unfortunately, Randy was the extrovert, me more of the quiet one. That is what is so devestating, half of me is gone. He is the one to bring me out of my shell and he never knew a stranger. Hence, a great team that is no longer. I need to go see my doctor as I feel I am slipping into a deep depression. But as luck would have it, my physician recently moved and I need to start the hunt for a new physician. Seems like when it rains it pours. I keep wondering when or if any joy will return to my life again or am I doomed to this for ever. No one knows the extent of this pain except he who has walked in our shoes.

Thanks for your support.

Becky

[ksbeachbum]

Kay.... thanks... it does help to know I am not alone in this horrific journey that has no end.

[mfh]

Becky, I am so so sorry for your pain. I do get it, believe me. I wonder about taking a yoga/meditation class as it could help meet some folks and also help with depression. Just a thought. I am an introvert also and I understand that...but introverts are just folks who are guided from within. Perhaps you are a bit shy...there are many things to do for folks who are not so outgoing...like volunteering at the school helping slow readers. I loved that when I was teaching a century ago. Or our hospital has a program where people (screened well) rock and hold babies in the neonatal unit. These jobs do not demand an outgoing bubbly person...just someone who cares deeply. I do not know if you have a dog but I am training bentley to be a therapy dog...then I will go to hospitals and hospices with him...the list is endless and does not have to be an outgoing person. I am sorry about your doctor...finding one you like and trust is a task with our medical system the way it is. In the meantime, I hope to see you here. I check in once or twice a day....

Peace, Mary

[Cosel]

Becky, I understand exactly what you are saying and feeling. The loneliness and sadness is overwhelming. It's been 17 months since my husband passed away. I seemed to be doing okay until February of this year and the sadness set in. I know I need to get out and do things but when I do I can't wait to get back home, when I get home

I feel so lonely. My daughter was there for me all through her father's illness and for me afterwards. She is starting to go on with her life now and I feel left out.

She use to call me every day to check on me. I really look forward to hearing from her after she gets off work. She has started skipping days when she calls and it just

devastates me. I know it becomes a chore to do something when you feel you have to do it, but I look forward to her calls. It makes me feel like I am a burden. I'm so sorry for being such a downer. I wish I had more positive input for you. I am working on it. I am going to a grief support for the lose of a spouse. It doesn't start until May. I am looking forward to it. I just want some relief from the sadness.

I wish I could do more for you. Just know you are not alone in your feelings. With help we will both get through this.

Cosel

[Queeniemary]

Friends,

I am thinking the loneliness and sadness will never completely go away. How could it, I am missing the person that I thought I would spend my last years with, the person that I made plans with for our future. That is not to say that I do not enjoy some things, I do, but it is just not the same. My boys live in different states, Minnesota and Missouri, but my daughter lives here. She works full time, and although we text daily, I usually only see her once a week. They come over on Sunday, and I fix lunch, or order something like Pizza in (today is breakfast for lunch) and then we spend a couple of hours playing mindless silly games that we can all play (youngest granddaughter is 13). We have fun, we are all competitive, and all want to win! These Sundays have come to mean a lot to me.

The weeks get lonely however, but I love to read, so that helps. Mike has been gone over 27 months, but some days it seems like it was yesterday. To be honest, I don't have that gut wrenching heart stopping "I can't believe he is gone" grief anymore, I have come to accept that he is not coming back, but there is an underlying sadness and grief that never goes away, and sometimes it still overwhelms me.

I have friends, I do things. I have a close friend who lost his wife to cancer about 4 months before Mike died. He and I go a lot of places together, people think we are dating, but we are not. He was a highschool classmate of my brothers, and we share the common bond of losing our spouses. We are good friends, and it is nice to be with someone who knows how you feel, because he feels the same way. Tom is a very nice man, and I am grateful for his friendship.

Cosel, I know what you mean about your daughter. Before my daughter's hours changed at work, she was coming over every morning after she took the girls to school and having coffee with me. Now she has to be at work at 7:30, so she does not come by of a morning....I sure miss the brief visits we had over coffee.

I am not sure I will ever be ready to give up this group. We are all at such different mile markers on this journey, but what we feel and are learning is valuable. Kay is such a blessing, she is such a positive person, but has had a lot of bumps. She is further out from the loss of her husband than many of us, and her insite has been very helpful to me, and given me a lot of hope for the future. Anne, other Mary, Harry, Dwayne, and of course Marty, along with many others, offer such wisdom and sometimes something they say is just exactly what I needed to hear on that particular day. I would love to be as articulate as some, it is a little harder for me to describe how I feel, or what I am trying to say at times. The great thing about this place is that it does not matter....just say it the best that you can.

Always grateful for this group, wish none of us needed it, but as long as this place feels right for you, then it is the right place to be. Think I will be here a very long time.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[mfh]

Good morning, Mary,

I agree with you that the sadness and loneliness will always be here. I dreamed Bill when I was 13...I could have described him to anyone that long ago, especially his kindness and warmth. I know that was related to how my childhood was but in reality...Bill was exactly like the person I dreamed of (kind, sensitive, deep feelings, etc.). It is like he has been a part of my life forever and always will be. He felt that way about me also...I was his dream come true. I am now 25 months since he died and though it is easier (the gut wrenching pain is not daily now), the pain and grief are quite alive and the tears are always ready to fall. Yesterday was awful. Today is not great. I am going to an art exhibit today with a fellow beginning artist but usually Sundays are lonely as most are with family...sort of a rural Wednesday thing. The exhibiting artist is phenomenal and is a trauma therapist....paintings are very emotional. Looking forward to meeting her. We are visiting our instructor's studio first. These things help a lot especially on Sundays (my loneliest day) and on bad days as this whole weekend has been...tears are just gushing unexpectedly in spite of putting things on my schedule that distract me.

Like you, I am clear that Bill is gone from this physical life...though it is still shocking and still takes my breath away often. The sadness is ALWAYS there. I accept that reality though I don't like it, of course. I am taking a chapter now, much much needed, to go deeper into me, my world, changes, clearing more time and space, etc. Sort of like going to a desert for a while. I am balancing my schedule towards solitude though do not plan to be a hermit at all...just more discreet about my time. Taking a year or more to figure things out....sort through journals, write, read, etc.

I am glad your daughter is nearby and comes on Sundays. That is lovely. I know you look forward to that. I have some friends whose spouses died and when I tell them it is nice they have kids (I do not) they say what you say-that their kids' lives are busy and they do not see as much of them as they wish they could or they live far away).

I agree, some days it feels like Bill was sitting here next to me just yesterday...this is a painful journey.

Peace,

Mary (the other Mary mfh

[widower]

These people are almost the worst because they chatter away about their husbands, how long they've known each other and what a great marriage they have. Like that matters to me. Where are all the people who know how to talk to the grieving?

I'm sorry first of course for your loss but for the difficulties you're having and the people who don't know how to talk/act to the grieving - ie about 99% of those who haven't suffered such a loss, unfortunately. It's ironic but the better we get at cheating death (medical advances etc), the worse we get at facing and handling it, esp dealing w/those around us who have.

I mean - these are people who work in psychiatric services. You'd think they'd get it.

You'd think. Don't get me started on the failings of the so-called psychological expert/professional community.

Right now I just want to hide away and not talk to anyone. Well, what I actually want is to have my husband and my old life back. I'm so deeply sad.

I'm very sorry and can very much relate. I wish I had some brilliant insight or magical path to lead you to in order to climb out of this, but I don't. I can only sympathize, listen, and hope you can find ways to do so, knowing it's a gradual and difficult search/journey.

[melina]

Thank you, widower - I think we all wish we had brilliant insight and magic wand, but alas. Thanks for your support, and I hope you're doing okay. It's a tough process...

Melina

[widower]

Thx very much. Yes it is, to say the least.

Just want to add a few more replies to a few more posts - I'd hope to do more but it all became overwhelming and got me thinking about my situation (selfish to the end, I guess). I wish you all the very best with your stuggles and loss.

some peoples reaction just drive me crazy- oh but he was ur ex husband!!! oh ok, so i should care? he was my best friend- who cares if we got a divorce or not- its somebody i spend most of my life with. i guess some don't know what to say, but some should just keep their mouths shut.

Yes you know the old saying, better to do that than say something and remove any doubt of one's ignorance/stupidity. Sorry if that sounds harsh but it seems there is never a shortage of people who seem determined to say something thoughtless and unthinking.

I often wonder, if I died on a Friday afternoon - when would they find my body? Probably not for quite some time, unless my place of employment decides to come looking for me.

Wow did this hit home. Recently I wondered the same thing during a moment of despair. My family is not close, and I don't have a family of my own - and let's not get started on "friends" disappearing. I so miss having someone caring about "my day." I can go by for great lengths of time now and the daily ins and outs of life nobody knows about for the most part or is really interested in.

I'm so tired of all this.

I feel so alone.

I realize this probably doesn't help much, but I can very much relate to these things as well. I'm so sorry. I hope you can find some way(s) to minimize that....

[kayc]

Widower,

You gave some very thoughtful responses.

I am afraid in our world we've lost so much of the ability to communicate effectively, and it's only worsening as people are losing their ability to write or speak. I've heard they are going to stop teaching kids how to write cursive writing. They've already lost grammar and spelling and seem only to know how to text in extreme abbreviations. Punctuation is a thing of the past. People use words incorrectly because they don't know their meaning. So how can we expect anything different of even our professionals? Miss Sparkman (my high school business teacher) would roll over in her grave if she could see what has happened!

I honestly think it takes a degree of experience for people to "get it" and know how to respond to others. There is something to be said for having survived some hard knocks to help one understand what others are going through and feeling...something like walking a mile in my moccasins. Of course, we don't wish that on anyone either.

I think the only difference between me (out nearly seven years) and someone who has been missing their partner for two years or so is that I am more used to it. It doesn't go away. You don't grow to like it any better. You still wish you could change it only you've learned to not waste the emotional energy wishing for anything. You learn "it is what it is." I do know, when my final day comes, and I can hug George at last...on that day I will feel complete again. I know, I am a complete person on my own, blah, blah, blah, but I FELT complete when he was here. Now I just feel...alone. Yeah, I'm used to it, some days are okay, some days not, but it's never like it was "before", I've had to learn to treasure all of the little things because that's all there is now.

Some people say they wish they hadn't taken their partner for granted "before"...I don't think we ever did, I think every day was special and we always treated each other special...but maybe we took LIFE for granted, thinking it'd be here longer, a whole lot longer, than it turned out to be.

[widower]

kay very well said on all counts. Nice to know somebody else gets it re. our dwindling communicative abilities. What really gets me is that people don't even CARE any more. And the younger generations, having never known a different way, don't even get it at all. And bad enough they are so addicted to chitter-twittering away on some iBlah, talking constantly, saying nothing, and having little interest in where they are actually at and who they're actually with, but many adults do this now. And we wonder why "ADD"/etc is a growing problem. Sad and scary to say the least. Anyway -

Yes, experience is the best teacher, but honestly I don't think that excuses some of the unbelievably rude things I have heard people get said or done to them (or not said/done).

Interesting to get your perspective from a longer time out. Being well under a year yet and hearing people say "the second year is worst than the first" scares the hell out of me. Well, not "scares" exactly - just makes this heavy boulder I'm lugging around seem even heavier. I'm just so tired of this. I don't expect to ever feel happy (except perhaps for brief moments here and there); I'll settle for not miserable. But even that seems unrealistic.

[kayc]

Widower,

Try not to let it scare you, it's not the same for everyone, and I'm not sure the second year is worse, but we seem to "come to" and be more aware of things, and also there's different expectation on us, some seem to think we should "be over it" by now...ignore them, what they think doesn't mean a hill of beans.

[widower]

I'm not sure I can ignore anyone who is stupid enough to say or imply I "should be over it" by any given amount of time - I suggest they duck though.

[kayc]

I get you!

[Durbin]

I understand perfectly Melina. I lost my husband to lung cancer 5 months ago and I have tried getting out with a group of women once a week on the bus but I feel even lonelier as they prattle on about their families and where they are off to on their holidays. Some are so insensitive - they are not really interested in your feelings.

Its very hard going and I would like to have things back as they were - lovely companionship and doing the things we used to do together. I am often depressed - not surprising is it.

Keep in touch.

[melina]

Durbin, and widower,

I also lost my husband to lung cancer. It was very unexpected, since he'd never smoked in his life. It is a lonely route. When I think back to how I was before my husband got sick, I probably didn't know how to deal with the bereaved either. I try to be a sensitive person - but sometimes ignorance or inexperience makes us sound insensitive.

I think that most people either feel uncomfortable with our grief and don't like to deal with it, or they just don't stop to think. I am pretty tired of trying to protect myself from all of that - but I can't close myself off forever, I suppose.

At least we can use this group - we can feel miserable and share it with others who will understand.

Melina

[Cosel]

I lost my husband to colon cancer 17 months ago. I do understand the loneliness. I would love to have things the way it use to be. I would love to have someone to talk to everyday, someone to touch and hug, someone who listens but mostly someone who really cares about you. Not people who called for the first month or two and then quit. I just want to feel that someone is caring and thinking about me by giving me a call once in awhile. I really appreciate when someone calls me now. It helps brighten my day. I know it a terrible thing to wish but sometimes you wish it would happen to the so-called friends so they would experience the sadness you feel. I hope I get over this feeling, it is not a very nice way to be. I'm waiting for the bitterness to go away.

[melina]

Cosel,

I sometimes have those thoughts about other people too - not to see them suffer they way I have, but to have someone really understand what it's like. Of course, the bitterness creeps in now and then. Why me and not them, why are their husbands still alive and healthy when mine was so terribly sick for a year - probably longer - and now dead.

All in all, I think the loneliness is the hardest part. It's a loneliness that I can't imagine could be filled by anyone else but my husband. I miss so much just talking with him - about anything. But it does help when people show interest or kindness - just a phone call can help break up an otherwise lonely evening.

What's really hard is knowing that other people feel I should be "over it" by now, and no longer ask me how I'm doing. They just assume things are okay. But I think that for them, it's over and done with - in the past - while for us, it can feel as though it were yesterday.

Melina