I Feel Like Everything I Know Is Gone...

[Shakita]

I am Shakita, a 25-year old single mother with 2 young children, son age 8 & daughter age 4, and younger brothers and sisters, ranging in ages 17-23.

Our Mother passed away June 11, 2005 and I feel like ever since that day I watched her leave this world, I felt as if I left this world too. I am trying to deal with the terrible heartache that I have every day, because my world revolved around my Mother. My children thought of her as Grandma, but as their Mother too, because she was so good to them. She was the glue that held this family together, and now that glue is gone the pieces are slowing coming apart....

She was kind to all she knew and reached out to all children, because she knew what it was like to not have her mom around, her Mother passed away when she was 12. Everyday I wake up and cry. I hurt so bad. I dont let my kids see me like this, and we talk about her a lot in such a positive way, not because she is gone, but because of how she was, and I would always tell people about my mother even before she passed, but I do ache every single day. I am crying as I write this. My Mother was one of the only people on this earth who understood me, I could always go to and she loved me for me.

She taught me so many things I carry on in my day-to day life, yet its hurtful knowing she is not here anymore. I am happy she is not in the horrible pain she faced daily, because of all the surgeries and things that happened when she was younger, yet I miss the person who helped me become the person that I am today.

I dont know how best to deal with this, simply because I dont want to see a counselor who knew nothing about her and cannot comfort me because they really dont know what I am going through.

It also does not help that my stepdad started dating another woman about a month after my mom was gone, and just moved from the house where she raised us to be with this woman and where she lived for the past 21 years....I dont feel like I belong anywhere anymore......I dont feel like I belong to anyone anymore, I dont feel like the Shakita my mom raised emotionally anymore. I dont know where to turn.

I have had thoughts of leaving this world myself, but I know there are people who need me, such as my kids and brothers and sisters, yet one of my sister continues to say hurtful things to me and treats me as if I am the stepkid in the family and as if I dont belong.....

And to tell the truth, I know I belonged to my Mother, but where do I belong now? My dad is pretty much a non-story, my Mother's parents are deceased, and no one is there for me....I know I am the oldest of my mom's kids but when does this hurt end.....

I will never be the same again.

[tattoodlb]

Dear Shakita,

I am sorry to hear of your loss. You are in the right place, all of us have had your pain at one time or another and many of us still have that pain. The way I coped when my mother died was to just take one day at a time, sometimes one minute at a time. I found that this approach left no room for stress and no room for those that did not help me. Your children need you now more than ever, they are probably frightened just like you. You mentioned that you did not want to seek professional help, well that is what I have done and it does make a difference. It is not that the counselor did not know your mother, but that you seek help in dealing with her loss and your children may also seek professional help as well some day; counselors do not comfort people in the sense that we know the word; they help them sort through the painful feelings and put things in perspective; your friends and family will comfort you and your children will comfort you, and your wonderful memories of your mother will comfort you. Losing a parent is certainly painful; living the rest of your life without them is sometimes a struggle, yet if you really think about it, your loved ones don't really leave you, they are in your heart and I'm sure if you took a few moments, you would feel your mother's love in your heart and you would know that she would want you to be the best you can for your children, like she was for you. My mother was my inspiration and I still quote her sometimes daily. Your mother left you a legacy for you to carry on and to pass to your children and younger family members; and to those that sadden or anger you, just let them go, there is no room now for that kind of behavior. Grieving is a process, and we all get through it in our own time, peace to you and your family. I hope I have helped in some small way. I wish you courage and strength to face each day and love to give to your children.

[Dester]

Shakita,

I can feel your pain and your loss as I know the loss of a mother, my mother. It is a huge piece of who I am. I am suffering and crying too. But here is the good part that I hope you can hang on to until some of the pain subsides. Your relationship/bond with your mother taught you how to be who you are, therefore you have the opportunity to put your energy into mirroring that for your children. What an enormous gift your mother left for you...to have that inner knowledge to be able to be that same way for your own family. Do that with joy....so many people don't have that. You had a wonderful love and a wonderful gift....cherish that and wonder over it every day. Your mother would want you to do that. Your children deserve the legacy that your mother created....you can give that to them. Love is such a wonderful thing. Your pain is awful and will be for a long time.....you will make it through it....there is no way around grief but to go through it.

I wish I had had the love you had with your mother...and yet I still have the pain and grief and love for her. Mothers and daughters share a special bond. Best to you, donna

[Maylissa]

Shakita,

I share a lot of your feelings, as I lost everything, too, once my Mother, then oldest brother died, w/i 2 months of each other, and most of the loss was due to my Mom's death. I also lost my childhood home with the sudden and secret sale of it by my father, plus all the contents. I was only able to get some of my Mom's clothes and a few small pieces, and had to buy her china set back from the woman who bought it ( a long story ). My last brother has stolen everything else that was left over, plus our parents' funds. My father is also a lost cause ( always was - he's the reason for most of this loss ) and I no longer speak to my last brother after what he's done to me, to my Mom's legacy and her honour. He also has her ashes so I have nowhere to 'visit' should I return home. The entire family was lost with my Mom, including my relatives, who've abandoned me ever since, so she was the glue, too, like yours. My father, although he never got the chance before he was placed in a home only weeks after, WOULD have started trying to find a replacement for my Mom. He joked ( not that I or my dead brother found it in the least bit funny! ) that I wasn't leaving enough clothes for him to give to his girlfriends! I almost threw up!

So I don't 'belong' anywhere now, either. All I've got, but I'm thankful I at least have that, is my own tiny family, and the relationship I know I had with my Mother. I'll never be the same person again, either. None of us will, if we lost someone we loved dearly. Loss changes us, with some things eventually gained and some perhaps lost, within. We're not truly completely lost if we have even one person left who we mean something to, but it's not easy, either, giving up our past, our history, part of our future and having to create a new future from the rubble. The hurt, for most of us, never ends entirely, as we always have that 'hole' that made up part of who we were/are, but the intense pain does subside with enough griefwork - it's not time itself that does it, it's the work we do as time passes. I hope you'll continue to share here, as we can all use each other to bounce our journey off of.

[STARKISS]

HI,

IT STARTED APRIL 2005 WITH THE DEATH OF MY DEAR MOM. SHE DIED IN THE UNITED STATES WHILE ON VACATION AND IT WAS JUST MY DAD AND MYSELF UNTIL TWO BROTHERS AND A SISTER CAME DOWN TO BE WITH US. AFTER WE RETURNED TO CANADA IT ALL STARTED I WAS TOLD TO BE STRONG AND THAT OTHER FAMILY MEMBERS WOULD TAKE CARE OF EVERYTHING AND DAD AND I WOULD BE LOOKED AFTER. SOON AFTER THAT IN AUGUST 2005 DAD PASSED AWAY AND THE HOUSE WAS PUT UP FOR SALE ONE WEEK AFTER HIS DEATH AND SOLD SIX DAYS LATER. I WAS TOLD I COULD TAKE A FEW THINGS WITH ME AND ONCE THE HOUSE WAS SOLD I WOULD HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAD BEEN WITH MY PARENTS THROUGH THREE CASES OF CANCER AND OTHER SICKNESSES AND FOR THE PAST 40 YEARS. I ALL THE SUDDEN WAS TOLD I HAD TO GET OUT WITH ONLY A FEW ITEMS HOW HURTFUL CAN FAMILY BE I THOUGHT. BUT I AM LEAVING OCTOBER 31, 2005 AFTER LIVING IN THE HOUSE FOR 40 YEARS. I ONLY HOPE THEY REALIZE HOW HURTFUL THEY HAVE BEEN TO ME. I WILL NOT COMMUNICATE WITH ONE BROTHER AND MY SISTER AND I DO TALK BUT I DO NOT KNOW HOW MUCH LONGER THAT WILL LAST.

[Maylissa]

Starkiss,

Oh, how dreadful for you! Do you know where you'll be going to, or have they left you with no time to find a place? Why families do such horrid things to each other I will never understand. The only possibly-hopeful thing I can think of in your situation is that perhaps a change of locale will eventually help you get a new focus or perspective on the rest of your life. I do know that for me, even being in my own house for too long, without a 'break' in the world at large tends to make me more depressed. I'm really hoping the same might apply to you, although I'm quite sure at first this will just be another shock to have to live through. I'm so sorry.

[STARKISS]

THANK YOU MAYLISS,

FOR YOUR NICE AND THOUGHTFUL WORDS, I DO HAVE A PLACE I AM MOVING IN WITH MY SISTER AND WE WILL JUST HAVE TO SEE IF IT ALL WORKS OUT. I THINK IT IS THE MONEY THING WITH SOME FAMILIES I KNOW THAT IT IS THAT FOR OURS. MY FAMILY WAS SO CLOSE AND NOW I JUST HOPE WE WILL SURVIVE THIS ALL. THANKS AGAIN