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My Beloved Arthur


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I honestly don't know how to write this. I want to reach out for support and help, but it is so hard to get started.

I met my Arthur almost two years ago...our two year anniversary for our first date is May 4th. He was mine and I was his from the very start. Sometimes you just know and we did. I loved him with every breath and every cell of my being. The one year anniversary of our wedding will be on June 5th. We were married for ten months and three days.

We knew his blood pressure and cholesterol was a bit high, but he was only 36 so no one was overly concerned. The Dr.'s put him on baby aspirin and niacin (just to be on the safe side) and told him to lose a bit of weight. He kept on telling me he just needed to lose his 20 lbs and he would be fine.

Easter was a beautiful day. We got up a bit early and joined his mom and sisters at his moms favorite restaurant for brunch. Betty (his mom) had brought some plastic eggs along for Arthur to hide for my daughter Sophia to find. Arthur hid them in the little garden behind the restaurant and we all enjoyed watching Sophia search for them. We drove home and then it was time for Arthur to get ready for work. My Arthur was an RN at a local VA hospital. As a veteran he really liked helping other veterans. He worked the 3:30 - Midnight shift. He clocked out a bit early at 11:30 so that he could focus on finishing up some charts before coming home and having his two days off. He was found at 11:40 pm slumped over his papers without a pulse. They tried really hard to save him, but it was too late. They called the time of death at 12:19 AM on April, 9th 2012. If he could have been saved he was in the perfect place. He was surrounded by nurses, at a hospital and very loved. I know they did everything possible to save him. I am so grateful he was not driving home when it happened. I keep on thinking he could have gotten in an accident and taken others with him.

My Arthur always came home at 12:35 AM...I would stay up and wait for him. He would always call me if he were going to be even ten minutes late. The one time he forgot to call he came home to me bawling my eyes out scared he had gotten in a car accident. That night he did not call and he was late. I knew something was horribly wrong when 1:30 rolled around. Right around 1:40 there was a knock at the door...it was the sheriff chaplain. I asked "is Arthur ok?" and he told me that my Arthur had died at work. The Chaplain was wonderful and stayed with me and my daughter until my mom could drive up. He was with us for an hour. I don't really remember what he said to me...it is kind of a blur. I called my mom and told her I needed her and then I called my best friend. I then spent the next three hours trying to call his mom and sister.

The first two days were horrible. I wanted to see Arthur so bad so I could know it was real. I felt like I was going insane waiting for the sound of his car. We had to wait to see him because the M.E. wanted to do an autopsy. Arthur was only 36 so they wanted to make sure he died of natural causes. Finally they released him to the memorial home and gave us a cause of death. Arthur had Ischemic Heart Disease. Looking back I can see the signs, but at the time we did not know. There was no way to know that he was more tired because he was not getting enough blood flow and that the cough he got when he bicycled was due to heart issues. We thought he was allergic to my cats or sensitive to milk...or something else random.

We had a private (just family) viewing on the 11th and the memorial service on Saturday the 14th. Getting to see Arthur helped....I spent almost two hours with him, talking to him, petting his hair and telling him how much I loved him. I am so grateful I was able to see him. The grief was not lessened, but I no longer felt like I was going nuts and the urge to kill myself got a little bit quieter. I hired the Pastor who did our wedding to come speak at Arthur's memorial service. It was a private service help outside under the trees and looking out at a lake. His family was there as were a lot of his coworkers. It truly was beautiful.

The first week was a blur...the last week has been filled with panicked moments of uncertainty. He was so young and did not expect to die so there was no will. We are trying to figure out if I will be able to stay in this house, if I can keep our pets...the uncertainty is so scary. All I want to do is grieve, but I have an eight year old daughter and pets who all need me. I hate all of it. I hate having to get death certificates. I hate having to go to the social security office tomorrow. I hate the idea of filing for his life insurance through his work. Every time I have to fill something out telling the world that Arthur is gone I feel like I lose a little more of him.

I did make an appointment today to see a grief counselor on May 4th...it will be the 2 year anniversary of meeting Arthur and I know I am going to need help dealing with that. I need to get to a point where I don't cry all day. My daughter is worried about me. She misses Arthur also, but I don't think she understands why I cry constantly.

I am so grateful to his family...they have all told me that I am still part of the family. They were so supportive and truly allowed me to make the choices I needed to make. They supported me when I said I wanted him cremated so I could bring him home and have him with me. They understood when I insisted the viewing be just family...and they were supportive when I said the memorial service had to be outside, rain or shine. We were married outdoors and my Arthur loved plants. I could not bear the idea of the memorial service being in a building.

My Arthur was a good man, a wonderful stepfather and a really good husband. I feel blessed that he was mine...I just wish we had more time. I feel horribly cheated...he promised me 50 years and babies...we were trying to have babies together.

From the moment we met we were not out of contact...while dating we sent 4-10 emails every day...we talked on the phone daily and we did not go for longer then three days in a row without seeing each other even though we had opposite schedules and lived an hour apart. These last two weeks of not seeing him, talking to him or hugging him have been hell. The idea of never getting another Arthur hug makes me feel like someone ripped my heart out of my chest. I keep on waiting to bleed to death because I can't imagine surviving pain like this.

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Lina, my heart breaks for you. My husband died July 4th, 2011. Some of the things you shared, I could relate to so much. I'm so glad his family is supportive of your feelings and wishes. My in-laws were and are the same way. They are my family as well as Harv and I were married 34 years. I am sorry you had to join our group, but you will find many great people here. Please take care of yourself and know that you will be able to breathe again without it hurting someday. I wish for you peace and comfort from knowing you are not alone.

Peace and love, Pam

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Dear Lina,

I am so very sorry about your loss. You did a great job of sharing your story and people will respond to you and support you as you become a part of all of us. Your husband was so young and you had so little time that losing him and so suddenly has to be so shocking and disarming. The pain is gut-wrenching, I know that. One thinks you can not survive. No one on this earth could have told me I would survive and I really did not want to when Bill died. He was a part of my life for 38 years, more than half my life. But here I am two years later having walked and continuing to walk through the heart of my loss. You will survive this and eventually the pain will subside. In the meantime waves of grief will feel like they are knocking you over. I vaguely remember the first few months as the fog that forms sort of shelters us a bit and gradually lifts.

I urge you to take care of yourself...i.e. try to sleep, try to walk and eat as well as you can. Grieving is exhausting...your heart and your head are in battle and it is wearing. As for talking to Arthur, I talk to Bill. If your daughter has trouble with you talking out loud to him, just do it silently. He reads your thoughts, I believe.

Down the road, there are many articles on this site that will help you. Congratulations on seeing a grief counselor. I did that and joined a Hospice spousal loss group as well as this forum and talking to friends and women who have lost their husbands. It all matters.

It does get better. I did not believe it ever ever would and I still grieve and weep but I am learning to integrate all that has happened.

Peace to your heart,

Mary mfh

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Lina, am hearbroken to hear your story, bringing back so many memories and debilatating emotions......of this past yr, that I have suffered through also, it digust me that others must go through this also.......but please know that this site is a great place to come to..to get the support you need.....at the time you are ready for it, for today just take of you and your daughter...and hang onto the thought ......one day, one minute at a time....for it has gotten me through almost one yr........and please hold onto the thought.......it does get better......although very scary and foreign...............Dave

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Lina,

That is heartwrenching, I am so sorry for you! You have found a very caring place here, please continue to come here and post your feelings, it helps. You will get through this, although there will be days you'll wonder and other days you'll wonder why.

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Lina, I am so very sorry for your loss. Your story has touched me greatly. I know that you are still in shock, and will be for some time. I lost my husband two years ago on Jan. 13, 2010, and the first few months are still a blur for me. He died of a massive coronary, with no previous symptoms. He was gone in an instant also. This forum has been a life saver for me, and if you keep coming here, I believe the people here can help you also. Right now, just a step at a time, get as much sleep as you can, try to eat, and know that we are thinking of you, and are here for you.

So sorry that you had to join us on this journey.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

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