amw Posted April 26, 2012 Report Share Posted April 26, 2012 Yesterday Jim and I have been married 1 month, the painful part is that he passed at 6:02 am. We have been together for 5 yrs but it seems longer, but in a good way!!!If a person would meet us for the first time they would say they thought we seemed to have been together at least 15 or 20 yrs. I wish we could of been. My heart is missing now, as he took it with him when he passed. It was so hard to come home to see his meds, medical equipment and wedding pictures and him not to be here! The only comfort I get from his passing is that I know he will not have any more pain and suffering. His cancer was just so aggressive and rampidly distroyed his body. But, he never gave up until he took his last breath, and he did everything his way and made his own desitions until just 48 hrs before he died, as at that point he was in a state he could not communicate and needed me to take over. I have so many mixed emotions right now, I just wanted to be with him for a while after he passed, and everything including that small amount of time just went way to fast. If I could take every bit of his pain away that he suffered in the past you I would, just to have him back with me. I JUST WANT HIM BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lina Posted April 26, 2012 Report Share Posted April 26, 2012 *hugs* I am so sorry. I understand. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amw Posted April 26, 2012 Author Report Share Posted April 26, 2012 *hugs* I am so sorry. I understand. Thank you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted April 26, 2012 Report Share Posted April 26, 2012 Dear One, I'm so very sorry to learn that your beloved's earthly journey has ended. Please know that you are not alone in the journey you're still on. We are thinking of you and holding you close . . . ♥ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted April 26, 2012 Report Share Posted April 26, 2012 I am so glad you have posted this for everyone to know so they can gather around you and support you as they will. I hear your scream "I JUST WANT HIM BACK!!" I know that scream comes from way down within you and I understand the gigantic hole that exists in your life. We are here for you. There are no words for the pain you feel. Tears are good and they are the words for the feelings you can not express. Mary mfh Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted April 26, 2012 Report Share Posted April 26, 2012 amw, I am so sorry. We can all relate as we've been there. We've heard your cries as you were taking care of him...and now this. Please keep coming here, we'll be here to listen and care. (((hugs))) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Queeniemary Posted April 26, 2012 Report Share Posted April 26, 2012 amw, so very sorry for your loss. We have all been where you are, and please know that we are here for you. Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LarrysGirl Posted April 29, 2012 Report Share Posted April 29, 2012 I'm so sorry. I know the pain. This group will be a source of great support. I hope you will find some comfort in our words. Deborah Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
widower Posted April 29, 2012 Report Share Posted April 29, 2012 I'm so very sorry for your loss. I can very much relate to everything you said. Give yourself time, and be gentle to yourself as much as possible. Best wishes and prayers for you on this journey - it seems impossible but you can survive it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amw Posted April 29, 2012 Author Report Share Posted April 29, 2012 Thank you all for you support and understanding in this extremely difficult time. The past three days I have been so busy taking are of plans, arrangements and such, and friday I got to see his physical being (body) for the last time before his cremation. It was so hard to say goodbye, knowing I would never see him in a physical form again. Then saturday was his memorial service. I have to pick up his remains tomorrow, and I forgot all about it being my birthday. I don't know if I can do it on my birthday, there is nothing to celebrate this year, and I don't know if it will help or make it worse to pick up his ashes on my birthday. Today has been the first day since Jim passed that I have been alone, because of planning memorial and cremation stuff as well as other business, but now it has been hard and I feel so lonely and empty without him. I just walk around or sit here in a daze, can't get my thoughts together, my mind is racing around so many things that need to be done, yet I can't seem to be able to do them. Time is a wierd thing right now, too. One minute it's 7:30 a.m. and the next it's 10:45 p.m., I don't know where it is going and how I haven't got much done in that time that has passed, yet I am so tired. I don't know what to think or feel right now, and wish I couldn't feel anything because this pain is just to much, to deep, to real. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted April 29, 2012 Report Share Posted April 29, 2012 Dear amw, I can only imagine (and remember) how tired you are. The week has been so emotionally laden...and the first time alone...I do remember that. It is pretty silent in that house. My 70th birthday was the day after Bill's funeral and burial...so I understand the dilemma of picking up ashes on your birthday. I did not even care about my birthday but it is now forever associated with his funeral...which is ok also. You will know what to do tomorrow...i.e. whether you pick them up or not. Do you have a friend to go with you? Your days, energy, time...all of it will be off for a while. The important thing is to just live a hour or two at a time, get as much sleep as you can, try to drink water and eat decent food and walk. Just remembering to breathe these days is a lot...as the realization of what happened takes away your breath. We are all here for you. I would try not to worry about getting things done....you are exhausted. Just the bare absolute essentials...and not much is essential we discover. Peace Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
widower Posted April 30, 2012 Report Share Posted April 30, 2012 Thank you all for you support and understanding in this extremely difficult time. The past three days I have been so busy taking are of plans, arrangements and such, and friday I got to see his physical being (body) for the last time before his cremation. It was so hard to say goodbye, knowing I would never see him in a physical form again. Then saturday was his memorial service. I have to pick up his remains tomorrow, and I forgot all about it being my birthday. I don't know if I can do it on my birthday, there is nothing to celebrate this year, and I don't know if it will help or make it worse to pick up his ashes on my birthday. Today has been the first day since Jim passed that I have been alone, because of planning memorial and cremation stuff as well as other business, but now it has been hard and I feel so lonely and empty without him. I just walk around or sit here in a daze, can't get my thoughts together, my mind is racing around so many things that need to be done, yet I can't seem to be able to do them. Time is a wierd thing right now, too. One minute it's 7:30 a.m. and the next it's 10:45 p.m., I don't know where it is going and how I haven't got much done in that time that has passed, yet I am so tired. I don't know what to think or feel right now, and wish I couldn't feel anything because this pain is just to much, to deep, to real. For whatever it's worth, all of that is very "normal." (If there is such a thing in such a crazy of a time) I remember going through what you are not that long ago. Take it a day at a time and rely as much as you reasonably can on family/friends. And feel free to unload here any time of course! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted April 30, 2012 Report Share Posted April 30, 2012 amw, I agree, you will know what to do tomorrow, and if you do go, bring someone with you and let them drive. When I got George's ashes, I wanted them with me, but it was an emotional time too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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