Loneliness

[Queeniemary]

"Now, without him, I find myself in a life with no context even though everything I loved to do, the people I loved to see, the interests I was addicted to, are all still there.

I am busy most days if I wish to be, I laugh with friends, I contribute to the community again and I enjoy some activities.

But I don't have a sense that anything I do now intrinsically MATTERS."

Oh, Susie Q, you have hit the nail on the head....all my friends think I am fine, to them I seem the old Mary, but she is gone, they just don't understand. And nothing seems to really matter, I am just marking time. I too hope it changes, but don't know if it will.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[zeeks]

the only thing about lonliness is that when you attempt to put yourself in yo something, be it like myself...I raise my twa geanddaughters, and enrolled in college for a business degree about two years after my husband passed. I seem to be finding out it was or is actually a deterrent from dealing with the pain. Mine is a very long and confusing story, and of all the deaths I have encountered, this one is the one I can not get a handle on. My son, (step sonthrough my late husband) lost his mother at age 8 which is how we were able to raise him, my husband and his biological father; then after he was grown he had children of his own, the second and third lost their mother, in a horrendous car accident in 2004. The eldest being 3 and the youngest, well, they buried her mother on her first birthday. Then there have been other deaths in my life, but it always seemed to be a "cyle" of life, I never truly got it until my husband died in May of 2006, I just underwent his 6th anniversary. He was like a father to my girls,(granddaughters) as they had always resided with us, the older all her life the younger from 11 months on. Now I have tried to center my mind on these things school and them, but the grief seems to be getting worse. There are other things which couple my depression in this area, but other than the girls noone not even my folks I feel hac=ve truly accepted and loved mr for me, no strings attached. Parents or most love out of redponsibility or obligstion never really accepting or wanting to know why or what makes their chils different. They just tend to them out of responsibility, obligation or guilt. This seems to amplify the grieving process, at least for me. For my Roger loved and accepted me for me! He was the only one, and so long as we were together I was happy and content, full of bliss needing no one. I still feel that way, but now I wrap myself in my girls, trying to give them free will and loving them no matter what so they can feel the peac e Roger made me always feel. but othe look on in pity, or chastise my decisions and the way I live, parenys everyone. It brings me to a new low and sadness as well as lonliness. How and what do I do? My esteem is melting away and how can I help my girls to remain strong if I fall. I also have an anxiety/panic disorder which is full bloom now. In hte first of the 4 years the girls and I rememv=ber little and bits come back as we can grasp them. So I do not know where to go now with this... any further questions or information needed to understand the feelings? If so email me questions and I will fill in the blanks, thanks.

[zeeks]

Melina, I totally agree, nothing, no deterant will ever let us "escape" the lonliness we will always feel. It has been six years, and I try to make life "normal" for my granddaughters which we have raised, my late husband and I since their birth. Now it is me alone, nothing I have attempted eases that lonliness feeling...the feelings that I alone watch them grow, that he is missing so much. At least in human form. Roger was an angel sent from God ...he was here I guess for a short time to show me that I was worth loving, and that I could be accepted for me. As long as we had each other nothing mattered, being broke, or the things people said , nothing. He was my rock, my salvation next to God. I find myself putting the girls in his place, living only for them. For anything I have tried short of them never will heal the lonliness, it never fades, as depressing as that sounds. Hopefully I understand and get the meaning you had behind hte post and your own feelings. Let me know if I have also gone astray. Thank you, Zeeks1

[Dwaynecg]

LONELINESS,

As Pauline grew weaker and the MS ate her away bit by bit every day, that was a long hard road for both of us to travel. I can never imagine what it was like for her, and the same is true for her about me. One thing that we had most of all is our true loving connection we shared. I could be hundreds of miles apart, but I always knew when she need help, not feeling well, she would wake up and would not be able to see. I would always be on that phone, before she called me. Now after her passing, we still have that connection, I do not feel alone, in our home, in our bed, I slept in our bed,the very first night. We both have, FAITH, a very deep faith at that. I know where she is and waits for me there. I follow my path laid out before me without waver. I am truly happy, healthy, and have a future. I come home, all of Pauline's clothe are still right where they have always been. Yes, someday I will take care of them, but not yet, not now.

My grief consoler was always amazed at how far I had come in such a short time. She asked me time and time again to try to explain how I got to where I am at to the others in my group. It always came down to one thing. Pauline and I have this very deep Faith. It is that simple. Faith shapes every living soul, those with no faith, have, nothing to take a hold of after the loss of a spouse. It does not matter who's faith, what faith, but we all need it in our lives. That is the key message in the link that Marty sent us to. So how is it I get up every day smiling enjoying life. Helping others, it's my faith, plain and simple.

God Bless,

Dwayne

[kayc]

Zeeks, have you seen the doctor about your anxiety? I'm on medication for it and it helps tremendously.

Dwayne, your spirit has always amazed me, yet there are many others with faith that still get lonely, not everyone has the same response or experience as you. I am glad for you that you are able to be that way, yet you seem to be the exception, not the rule. Most of us get lonely with our spouse missing, find it hard to sleep in "our" bed, etc. It took me a long time to find comfort in George after he died, in the beginning, all I remember feeling was pain. Maybe because I was shocked by his death, in no way expecting it to come so soon...but then others go through the same pain, even having expected their spouse's death, so I don't know.

[Dwaynecg]

Dear Kay,

I know You are right. I believe it is because Pauline and I saw this coming, like a train coming down the tracks. That was why we started preparing back in 1996 for the end, that did not come until, February 2011. We never left nothing unspoken to each other, no matter how painful at the time of the conversation it was. I am so glad we were given the wisdom and the ability of communications with each other, to have the long hard talks. I still believe it is my strong faith, and Pauline's strong faith made this journey bearable. I personally would not have wanted to go though grief without it.

God Bless,

Dwayne

[kayc]

Me too, Dwayne...yet I know my faith was shaken to the core at some point in my grief journey, not right at first, but after a few months. But it was strong and survived it.

[new]

Marty, yes, I agree her book sounds pretty depressing and I did actually wonder what the point was - how she got out of it.

As Kay says, the more isolated you become, the harder it seems to break out of it. But it's not just a matter of forcing yourself to be with other people.

Often you can feel very lonely even together with others - sometimes even more so then. It's the feeling of being sort of...I don't know, like being adrift in a little boat way out in the middle of the ocean. Or walking around with a force field around you - people are there, but you can't feel them or communicate with them properly. As though you don't really exist.

This is how I feel - and maybe I'll have to feel this way for a while.

By the way - just to be clear on one point, I don't hear voices.

Melina

Hi Melina,

I haven't been on here for awhile but I sometimes read posts. I think I understand what you are talking about. The loneliness that I experience since the loss of my husband is present whether I am home alone, in a group of people and social outings. There is that sense that he should be there with me and an intense sense of loneliness. My husband was the social one but I don't think it makes a difference in how I feel. There is this sense of always being alone, like part of me is missing. No one can fill this gap but him. I am fortunate to have such loving and caring friends that are supportive and our son. I still have this sense of loneliness even with them.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and all of us who are grieving. I had no idea that anything could be this hard and last this long. I have lost my dad and a sister and others close to me that caused me to grieve. In losing my husband, I somehow lost a sense of identity, security and strength. I have gone to counseling and grief support groups, maybe they have helped, not really sure.

Take care and hang in there.

New