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Decision Made And Executed...


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Well, as I prepare the June issue of my publication I find myself doing a count down reminding myself that I have to do only 4 more issues after this one. I want to go through the summer and early fall so I can help the local artists and small business owners during their peak income period. They count on it for advertising. I just sent an email to all the volunteers (my first public announcement) who have helped me over the years with this publication. I do not know how I could have done it without them...and frankly I have no recollection of how the publication got laid out, printed and distributed the week Bill died and the following several months. I know I did the lay out but I have no recall of doing it and the thought that I did it is shocking. Who did the rest, I will never know. I have a long list of folks who help- one does my cover shots (a professional photographer who does not charge me because he said I could not afford him :), friends who help me drive to 110 sites to distribute each month, an editor who I do pay, 5 columnists and a life long author friend who writes my features after I do interviews...and a few more also.

My stomach was and is in a knot as I pushed SEND because this is the leap off the cliff into a year off for me. It starts September 16, the day I send the last issue to bed. I figured if I do not take the money out of savings to help me through the year, I won't be around anyway to use that money....I am exhausted. In the fall, I will start to see 3-4 clients a week and paint and read and do yoga and journal and ponder and REST. I have pushed long and hard enough and I am depleted....running on fumes for many months now...

So now I will take my very patient fur baby for a walk....stop to see a friend who had breast cancer surgery yesterday and well....just breathe my knot in my stomach away....

Step one on a long journey...one you have all shared and supported. I thank thee.

Peace

Mary

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Thanks, Marty. This feels right...scary, but right...and also a huge relief.

Mary

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Mary good for you, I also took a leap of faith today, after much drama and uncertainty this week I decided and finally signed a bid on a home in the mts.....it remains to be seen if it will come through...it also remains to be seen what jobs i can find, nursing aint what it use to be.....difficult to find work.....but I have options, finally came to the conclusion if I dont try to do it now....I will be kicking myself in a few yrs. And have someone here who wants to rent my home here......so we will see?????? Dave

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Congrats on the new house, David. The job will come along. I do believe, even though my choices tend to test this belief, that when we are true to ourselves and follow our own voices things work out somehow. I hope your bid is accepted and the house is yours.

Peace

Mary

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Mary,

You are taking your baby steps and doing what you need to do for yourself! Good for you, all new steps are some what scary, but I know you will do fine! Your in my thoughts and prayers as you take these new steps!

amw

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Dear Lina and amw,

Thank you both for reaching out to me through of your own pain and loss. I truly appreciate it.

Peace,

mary

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Mary, It'll be good when you can slow down and not have so much on you. I am glad to hear your decision sounds like a relief.

Dave, It sounds like things are working out well for you. I live in the mountains also so I know what you mean!

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Dear Kay

Thanks so much. I have been at this computer for 11 hours today...not done yet; 11 yesterday...more tomorrow and more last week...it all comes at once....yet it is there 7 days a week also...you can believe that NOT doing this publication is a relief :) and ironically it is also frightening...as I shed something else that mattered to Bill and me. I do not feel very creative doing this anymore and eventually will return to my practice. A graphics artist friend (who designs many of the ads) told me today that Bill and she and my friends would all catch me when I leap off this cliff. Nice picture. Seriously the publication is a symbol...of me following whatever turns out to be my new passion, of looking at MY life, taking care of myself, giving myself time to ponder and figure out where I am going as I also continue to grieve Bill's death...for the first time without pressure come September. The publication is all wrapped up with my identity here but if that is all I am, it really is time to let it go :) Thanks again, Mary

Back to start hour #12 and then I quit for the night.

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A graphics artist friend (who designs many of the ads) told me today that Bill and she and my friends would all catch me when I leap off this cliff.

What a nice sentiment! And I agree with you 100% about everything you said.

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What a nice sentiment! And I agree with you 100% about everything you said.

Thanks, Kay....I love the picture of Bill et al catching me and helping me to land softly....might be a painting of some sort someday.....

I am so glad your garden got attention and that it was your son who gave it the attention it needed. :)

Mary

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Good for you Mary. I had similar feelings when I retired a year ago. As a matter of fact my one year anniversary date of retirement was Sunday the 13th. I know when I finally made the decision to retire, it was as if a weight lifted off my chest. I liked my job, but was ready to leave it for others, and I really loved being retired. I am busy, do more of the theatre stuff that I love, and read a lot, which is my lifelong passion. May take on some new stuff (painting, or rather trying) in the fall. Will be thinking of you, and know you will enjoy the rest. Getting to know you a little, through this forum, I am sure that you will be doing something, but it is good to take a step back and regroup. I also loved the sentiment about Bill catching you as you leap off the cliff

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas.

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Hi Mary, I have also enjoyed getting to know you a little. I will be here in and out. Today when I finished the June issue...instead of the usual relief...I had this overwhelming sense of emptiness. I do not know how i will feel when I do the last one in September. There have been many good-byes as you know...and even letting go of this magazine which Bill and I created is another one but I KNOW it is right for me. I do not see myself retiring...never have but I do see myself probably returning to a small practice (small) down the road a bit. I am so glad you are doing all you have wanted to do. I know it is not the same..not the dream we had...but it is so good to have interests that we love. I have not painted as much as I want but I will. I have a log of ideas I get and am slowly working on a big one. I know the theater is really important and reading. I just got a book today that I will dive into tonight (instead of polishing the mag). It is Visual Journaling...helps one to put soul wisdom into art form, express feelings through art. What are you reading? I have a book addiction. Yes, Bill catching me as I leap is consoling... :) Thanks so for writing. Peace, Mary

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  • 2 weeks later...

Today the sale of my publication goes public with the distribution of the June issue of Voice...word is out a little bit (small town gossip). Two people have expressed interest but who knows. Letting go of this is easy, scary, and challenging. It is something Bill and I planned and started together and so it feels like I am letting go of something that was "us". I, of course, want the new publisher (if there is one) to do it right (i.e. MY way :)). But I have to let go of that and pretty much have. One of the women in my book club said a group of them are talking about a newsletter on a website (mine is hard copy and web) and I know that would include politics as this group is VERY involved in politics (in a good way) and I have refused to allow politics and sports to creep into Voice of the River Valley...which is arts focused and small business owners. She thought the new owner might want to talk to this group. Who knows where it will go...curious to see what happens today and this week as word gets out. Maybe nothing. Whatever!

On the flip side, I am ready to say good-bye to this. I can tell by my low motivation... and move into something more meaningful to me...right now just taking time off, a year perhaps, to be..whatever that turns out meaning but must include regaining energy. I am too tired. Then...I am not sure which path I will choose.

Saturday I leave for a 4 day conference (International Death, Grief, and Bereavement Conference) not too far away..UW-La Crosse-driving distance. The theme this year is Palliative Care and Hospice. I will get some of my CEUs (continuing education units for my license renewal) and also take another step into the world of death education, all part of turning over pieces in the puzzle of my life.

Peace, Mary

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Mary,

You are incredible! So inspiring! Wow, you sure keep busy. I sense your relief in letting go of your publication and I hope someone acquires it and it can continue in some form. I also hope you enjoy and get a lot out of your courses, I would think that'd be very interesting. It's moments like this that I wish I didn't live so far away from the city/colleges, living in the country definitely limits your options, esp. with the price of gas what it is (over $4.40/gallon here on the west coast). Commuting is very expensive!

Keep us posted on what transpires, and I wish you the best with your continuing education!

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Mary,

You are incredible! So inspiring! Wow, you sure keep busy. I sense your relief in letting go of your publication and I hope someone acquires it and it can continue in some form. I also hope you enjoy and get a lot out of your courses, I would think that'd be very interesting. It's moments like this that I wish I didn't live so far away from the city/colleges, living in the country definitely limits your options, esp. with the price of gas what it is (over $4.40/gallon here on the west coast). Commuting is very expensive!

Keep us posted on what transpires, and I wish you the best with your continuing education!

Thanks, Kay. My geek just left....I swear their brains are wired differently than the rest of us....Anyway, I actually have kept too busy...hence my upcoming sabbatical so to speak. I need a chapter with no pressure...Yes, the publication has me busy doing things that I no longer wish to do...I have totally lost interest in it and find it mostly boring. The community, however, loves it and feel it is a service to all of them...about 14 towns. We will see if anyone is interested enough to take it over...and pay for it. I understand about living in the country. We lived in the country for the first 9 years of our life together...I loved it but even going to a movie was a long drive. Now I still have a long drive to the movie but there is a lot going on in this village because of the artists, Frank Lloyd Wright stuff that draws others, APT (Shakespearean theatre) all draws a variety of folks. Even the politics...our village had a 96% voter turn out for the recent recall our governor primary. We shall see how that goes on Tuesday...the recall election. I will let you know how things go and I thank you for your interest. I am so glad things have changed with your job and you have more hours. You were way over due for a break. Peace, Mary

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This little town is half the size as when I moved here 34 years ago. There were once three mills, several gas stations, two clothing stores, two pharmacies, a vitamin place, countless restaurants, etc, now they're all gone, we're down to two gas stations, one traffic light (when it works), one pharmacy, no clothing/shes, etc., only two decent restaurants and a couple of fast food places.

I have decided to enjoy the best of wherever I am...if country, I'll enjoy the nature, if city, then the arts.

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I agree, Kay. Every place has pluses and minuses...and finding the pluses is key. There are many minuses where I live, believe me....but I choose not to focus on them as I have lived enough places to know they are everywhere. Wise woman, you are.

Mary

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Mary,

Hope all goes well with the Voice's sale! The conference you are going to sounds very interesting, but that is the area I am going into, so it should (haha). How you have a great time and learn a lot of good information.

amw

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Thank you. I think the conference will be helpful.

I read your post about being with family members who do not comprehend your grief. It is a tough situation as every family is different and has a long history in how they communicate with each other. I would say...take care of yourself and if that means minimizing exposure to toxic messages, then do that. Also getting involved in a support group will help a lot. When does that begin? I am sorry you are having to deal with these messages. Very sorry. Mary

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Mary,

Please share any good info from conference! My group starts mid July for 6 weeks. I'm still looking for other support groups in my area that are for widow/widowers, but most I have found are for 60+ aged widow/widowers. I think they need to concider that there are some of us that are widow/widowers under 60 and need support too! When I get into grief counseling when finish school these will be things I have taken note of to help others. The hospice Jim and I are connected to don't have a whole lot for me personally other than the educational class in July. It is for kids or like I said earlier 60+ widow/widowers. So I keep searching for one that fits me. I am starting to get that I have to just pretend I'm ok when around some people, I don't like it, but that's what they seem to want. Unfortunatley that includes my family and in laws. I don't know if I will ever get over the fact I can't talk about my husband to them especially, but I have started a journal to Jim and it helps a little.

amw

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Dear amw, I will share anything I think others might benefit from as best I can. I am glad you are starting your support class/group and continuing to find support locally. That age thing is so interesting. Our society thinks of widows as being older...but I have seen so many in these forums who are young as well as in the reading I do. An area that probably needs attention. I do hope you find a group that fits. Yes, I think we all put our masks on when we are with certain people. It is protective of ourselves and though I do not like pretense, sometimes I find it is safer and maybe even appropriate since people just do not get it. I was one of them and I know I never intended to hurt anyone but was just plain ignorant. Maybe in time that will shift in our society. Yes, family sometimes are the toughest and one would think one should be able to talk to and be real with them but sometimes they are the toughest. The journal helps me also. Also having others to talk to who I CAN be myself with helps as well as this group. Gotta get packed. I have attempted to pack since yesterday...now I am getting down to the wire. Peace, Mary

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Since there are no in-person support groups specifically aimed at young widows in your geographic area, amw, you might consider looking online for ideas on how to make some connections. Here are just a few places to begin:

Young Widow Support Group Basics (Informative 3-Part Series from Fresh Widow Blog) See especially Part 3, for ideas in finding young widows outside your own area.

Young Widow Bulletin Board ~ Chapter Two

Young Widow ~ Chapter Two

Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation

Widow Match Program

Widowed Village

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Marty,

Thanks for the info, I will look into these. I told Mary when I get into working with families when I get finished with school, this will be something I keep in mind for a group to start, I know that every area needs coverage and support from children through the elderly, not just specific age groups. See, I have learned something new on my path to help others (ha ha!). But seriously we all need support from time to time in so many ways, especially through grief and loss.

amw

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