amw Posted May 14, 2012 Report Share Posted May 14, 2012 I have so many mixed emotions from the past almost three weeks. Tomorrow Jim will be gone now three weeks. Some family and friends tell me well you knew this was coming, others tell me to put all pictures of him away and get on with my life. Then there is all the financial stuff that he thought was in place for me, that I am now finding out I can't even get, but yet I am responsible for all the bills coming in. I worry that I am going to loss the little bit I have, and will be homeless soon. This is the scariest part. Every where I turn I am being turned down for help, and I had a hard time asking in the first place, but the way they treat you is horrible. I have no one now that Jim is gone, and I know he would be so upset to know we were lied to about what would be there to take care of me after he was gone. People tell me I will just have to lower my standards, but the only standards I have is I refuse to get rid of my (our baby) dog, and I need to feel safe where I live, and I won't live in a rodent and bug infested place. I don't think those are to high. I just don't know what to do any more, nothing is going right and the walls are crumbling around me. I know part of it is the grief, but there is just so much more happening so fast and soon if I can't pay the bills will be evicted. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted May 14, 2012 Report Share Posted May 14, 2012 Dear amw, I am so so sorry this is all happening. Three weeks and you are still in a fog. The people who are saying those awful things to you are coming from ignorance and a lack of experience at best. You just have to honor your own feelings about pictures. Knowing Jim's death was coming is irrelevant to the shock of it actually happening. Knowing someone is dying and then actually having that person die are two different things. Try your best to ignore that kind of input. Same with getting on with your life...you ARE getting on trying to figure out how to survive. Your standards are just plain basic...including keeping the dog... Know that you can come here and NO ONE here will tell you those things because we have all heard them from people. That is the gift of this place...we get it. know that you are in my thoughts and prayers as you wrestle with all of this. I just hope you can keep your home and perhaps find some work that you can do from your computer at home...maybe...easier said than done...I know that. We are all with you on this difficult path. Wishing you some peace of mind, Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted May 14, 2012 Report Share Posted May 14, 2012 Some family and friends tell me well you knew this was coming, others tell me to put all pictures of him away and get on with my life. Are you kidding me!! People! It's highly inappropriate for them to respond like that, just goes to show they haven't a clue what you're going through! Grrr! Of course it's not too much to ask that you keep your dog and live someplace safe. Do you have a job or did you have to give it up to take care of him? Do you belong to a church that might be willing to help you out? Sometimes having someone else just give direction can help...it's so overwhelming when you're dealing with so much right now. I wish you lived here so I could help you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
golions Posted May 14, 2012 Report Share Posted May 14, 2012 I am so sorry. People really don't know what they are saying. Do they? Was your husband a veteran by any chance? Just wondering if you could get any help from the VA. My husband has been gone six weeks and I get great comfort by seeing his face in pictures. Don't let anyone tell you what you should or shouldn't feel by now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mik Posted May 15, 2012 Report Share Posted May 15, 2012 I am so very sorry for what you are going through. The others are right, we all have one thing in common, we have been in your place. Have you gone to the Salvation Army, any organizations in your community or churches for assistence? There are also programs for those who may become homeless due to circumstances in their lives. I am a case manager for just such an agencie. Please don't go through this alone. If others can't understand or support your decisions at this time let them go for the time being. The individual who suggested you put his photos and momentos away...I tried to do the same to lessen the intense grief. All it will do is postpone the grieving process...and I know right now you not in any mood to think of the "process"..you are just trying to survive day by day. My heart goes out to you or anyone who has lost a partner, husband, wife, or soulmate. I had no idea what to expect..I do now. I have a new appreciation for those who have lost someone dear to them as this was my first real experience losing a soulmate...there is nothing harder in this world. Know you are not alone and myself and the others here will be there for you as long as you need and want us to be. My heart is with you..and for the first time I can say I truly understand. Kimberly Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mik Posted May 15, 2012 Report Share Posted May 15, 2012 As far as "lowering your standards"...keep them just where they are...and if "knowing this was coming would make it any eaiser???? Do people think first before the words come out of their mouths??? Sorry..just ignor these individuals right now..they just don't have the empathy it requires or are simply clueless to what loss really is.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amw Posted May 15, 2012 Author Report Share Posted May 15, 2012 I am so sorry. People really don't know what they are saying. Do they? Was your husband a veteran by any chance? Just wondering if you could get any help from the VA. My husband has been gone six weeks and I get great comfort by seeing his face in pictures. Don't let anyone tell you what you should or shouldn't feel by now. Yeah, Jim was a vet, but they told me since we haven't been married for at least a yr there is nothing they can do to help. I was suppose to get his survivor's pention, but I guess marriage is only to get and have to pay the bills left behind, it protected him and I would do it again. We were together for 5 yrs, and didn't feel me needed to get married, we were already commited to each other, but in Feb. he asked me to marry him and we got married in March, and he passed on our 1 month anniv. We both thought we would have more time as a married couple, and when we filled out papers for his VA pention they knew how long we had been married and told me it would just convert to the survivors benefit when he passed, and if it didn't go through before he passed, I would just have to apply for survivor bebefits. All were lies, and I can't work until I am finished with my schooling in 2 1/2 yrs, do to my own health issues. I don't have enough credits to get soc sec, so I feel hopeless and will soon be homeless and won't even be able to finish school if homeless. Sorry, just in panic mode. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted May 15, 2012 Report Share Posted May 15, 2012 Dear amw, Have you sat down face to face with the VA representative and with a support person with you...? Do you have anything in writing about what they told you re: the money coming through? I am sure you have thought of all this but a phone call is not as good as face to face contact. I feel so badly for you as you are just so close to the time you have lost your husband and now have to deal with all this. Is there a relative who can help you out financially until you can get some time to get your wits about you? Are you getting any funding. With your health issues and low income, you might be eligible for some kind of support from the state...but again you have probably checked into this already. Know that I am here for you as you try to unravel this mess. I know this is the toughest chapter in your life and somehow this will work out but right now that solution seems invisible. Sending you strength and hugs. Prayers to you, Mary mfh Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amw Posted May 15, 2012 Author Report Share Posted May 15, 2012 Thank you all for the support! I have looked into many things, none of them are coming through. The sadest part is soc sec told me I can't even collect the $255 death benefit because we hadn't been married for 9 months. It's all crazy, if your married, your married and you should be able to get your spouse's benefits, pensions, soc sec.and so on, especially when you have been together for as many years as we had been, and when you are their care giver through a terminal illness, too. I would do it all again, even if it came to where I am right now, but it just plain sucks to know being his wife ment so little after he was gone. Sorry, I am just so frustrated and don't have any one to turn to for help, and just scaried right now. Lossing Jim already made me feel out of control, and now I feel like I'm in a huge tail spin and just can't gain any sense of control. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted May 15, 2012 Report Share Posted May 15, 2012 You never have to apologize here for being frustrated. You are climbing a mountain right now and we all want to support you as best we can. Being Jim's wife meant a lot to you and to him. That is all that matters. The state has all these rules that make no sense and that you won't change. They see rules, not people. I am sure you are in a tail spin. I hope you can sit down and just breathe a few times a day and remind yourself that somehow this will work out...the breathing will help you think more clearly, relax you, and be better for your health. I KNOW it is hard to do but maybe you can try it. WE are holding you in the light. Peace, Mary mfh Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amw Posted May 15, 2012 Author Report Share Posted May 15, 2012 Thanks Mary, I so appriciate your support and understanding. You never know, as determined as I can be I may get to make changes at state and federal levels, just not in time to help myself. Just wish I could figure something else out to survive until done with school and could get my job. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lina Posted May 15, 2012 Report Share Posted May 15, 2012 *giant hugs* I think it is ridiculous that they have a minimum for how long you have to have been married. I was married to my husband for 10 months and 4 days...I kept on being told that I just made the cut off date which honestly was both a relief and infuriating. I wish I had some ideas that would help. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted May 15, 2012 Report Share Posted May 15, 2012 I agree, they shouldn't require you be married a certain length of time to get the benefits HE EARNED! I got nothing when George died, the soc. sec. benefit was a one time shot and it was maybe $145 or something, not nearly enough for his cremation. Jim's daughter lost her husband, they were married less than two years and her and her daughter (not his child) both get benefits, almost $3,000/mo. and I got nothing! I don't understand such wide disparity. I'd still think a church or Red Cross would be willing to help you out. A church might know of someone with a place you could stay for a while. You might consider live in caretaking, like taking care of someone at night while they're sleeping, or housesitting. Sometimes people want someone to stay in their home while they're gone for an extended period, they don't usually pay, but it'd be a place to stay for a while and you'd have access to phone, t.v., etc. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Queeniemary Posted May 15, 2012 Report Share Posted May 15, 2012 Dear amw, I am so very sorry you are having to go through all this other crap at this horrible time in your life. I agree, married is married, there should not be a time factor. You have gotten some excellent suggestions, wish I could think of something to add. I am just stunned that people have been so crass to you...."lower your standards"....what a really great thing to say to someone who has just lost her spouse.... unreal! So sorry you are having to deal with all this right now, at a time, when you are least able to do so. Hoping for some relief for you soon, and strength to get through this. Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amw Posted May 16, 2012 Author Report Share Posted May 16, 2012 Lina, KayC, Mary, and Mary, I don't know what I'm going to do, live in my van if I have to, yes our government is rediculous! The one's who should have to get off their butt and work get everything handed to them, and the ones trying to make something of themselves and take care of themselves and their family get nothing. I know I don't understand it! But, thanks for the support. amw Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted May 16, 2012 Report Share Posted May 16, 2012 Dear amw, I'm so sorry that you're enduring so much turmoil and uncertainty in your life right now, when all your heart needs to do is mourn the death of your beloved. I'm sorry, too, that in our broken system there seems to be no safety net for someone in your situation. Since your Jim was on a hospice service, have you considered meeting with the social worker who was on his care giving team? Make sure you look into what sort of bereavement support is offered by the agency, as counseling should be available to assist you with resource planning for 13 months following the death. At the very least, please know that we are thinking of you and pulling for you ♥ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amw Posted May 17, 2012 Author Report Share Posted May 17, 2012 Marty, I know after a month they offer grief counseling, but what other help do they give, I don't know of any. I feel i don't even have time to grieve Jim's loss, because I am fighting to survive, when all I feel like doing is laying down and giving up, because I am so tired of having to fight for everything. I have no energy left, it took all I had to take care of Jim and plan and go through his cremation. I have health issues of my own, that's why I'm going to school to be able to do a job with my limitations, but all was put on hold for Jim and now I'm not sure when I can return as I don't want to go back so fast and fail what I have started, yet I know I need to return as soon as possible to get finished since I still have 2 1/2 yrs left. No energy, no money and I fear soon no place to live. I'm frustrated, scared and tired I have no one to turn to and just don't know what to do anymore. Sorry for rambling! amw Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted May 17, 2012 Report Share Posted May 17, 2012 Could you go to a guidance counselor at a college for help? Maybe with the right aid, grant, scholarship, you could get back into school and get something to live on as well. My son has been at OSU 3 1/2 years and hasn't worked for longer than that and he's completely debt free...sometimes it's a matter of knowing how to go about it, and that's something a guidance counselor might be able to help with. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted May 17, 2012 Report Share Posted May 17, 2012 A bereavement counselor connected with a hospice is a member of a larger team that includes several other disciplines (including social work). As Kay says, sometimes it's a matter of knowing how to go about getting help, and when you're grieving, you don't have the energy, time or inclination to do this research yourself. These hospice team members know what resources are available in your community, and they are quite skilled at hooking you up with the ones that would be most helpful to you. Their service is still available to you, you deserve it, and I encourage you to take advantage of it, if only to see what, if any, help your hospice can offer you. Look what happened when your hospice learned that you and Jim wanted to be married. They stepped in and found a way to help you make it happen. I'm sure they're still there for you ~ What do you think would happen if you let them know you're in need of their support now? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted May 17, 2012 Report Share Posted May 17, 2012 Dear amw, I truly hope you will make the call today to Hospice and get an appointment set up with a counselor. You need an ally to help you walk this path. There is no reason to do it alone when Hospice is right there and has already proven itself in terms of getting help to you. Please call them right now and get scheduled with someone. Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dave s Posted May 17, 2012 Report Share Posted May 17, 2012 Hi amw my Hospice Counselor was fabulous! 12 months of help support, guidance, the list goes on and on, she put me touch with support groups and encouraged me and also pointed out areas that I needed to concentrate on she really became my good friend, not sure what I would have down if she wasnt available. I wish you alot of peace on this journey, at 12 months I am seeing the beauty in life again, Thanks to this site and my Counselor MaryJo. Dave Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missing him Posted May 30, 2012 Report Share Posted May 30, 2012 I know exactly how you feel. I lost the love of my life 3 weeks ago too. We just had eachother. Best friends. I can't stop crying. He went in his sleep. I have never experienced death before. This is the closest I have ever been and it is the worst feeling in the world. Nothing can take the pain away. I am learning that people just don't know what to say. I know those that love us do not want to see us hurting so much. I am looking for a grief counselor. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amw Posted May 30, 2012 Author Report Share Posted May 30, 2012 Missing him, I am so extremely sorry for your loss, there is nothing worse than lossing the ones we love, especially our partners in life. Jim and I were pretty much inseperable, we did everything together, and we pretty much were all each other had as well. Don't rush your grieving process, take the time you need, and don't let anyone tell you how or what to feel as you are going through this process, it is yours and yours alone and they are not walking in your shoes. I pray each day will get easier for you, and we are all here for you to talk to, as we do understand and are part of this club (so to speak) that none of use wanted to be a member of. Come back as often as you need or want to, to get out your thoughts and feelings, this is a safe place to express how you are feeling, with plenty of people who truely understand. This place has been a great help and continues to be! amw Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted May 30, 2012 Report Share Posted May 30, 2012 This is pretty much what I IMd her this morning. If not for this place, I'd have lost my mind...and I may have anyway! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missing him Posted May 31, 2012 Report Share Posted May 31, 2012 amw: Thank you... This is the worst thing to go through. I don't know how to carry on w/o him. He was such a good man and always made me laugh. Me going to work is all that I'm forcing myself to do. (I don't even want to do that). We have 2 dogs - if it weren't for them, I would go insane. I just don't know how to cope with this. It hurts too much. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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