Jump to content
Grief Healing Discussion Groups

Not Sure How To Feel And Where To Go


Recommended Posts

Missing him,

I understand what you are saying, don't force yourself to do anything more than you can at this time. You need to take as much time for yourself as possible, it takes time to go through this grief. Having your dogs will help, mine means everything to me, especially now that she and I have lost Jim. We are all here for you, I try to get on every day, but somedays are to crazy still, but I am here, just as all the other wonderful people that are here! Be kind to yourself, and do what is best for you!

amw

Link to comment
Share on other sites

This is pretty much what I IMd her this morning. If not for this place, I'd have lost my mind...and I may have anyway!

Kay,

You and so many others have and are helping me, and I just want to do the same for others, too!

Thanks!

amw

Link to comment
Share on other sites

amw,

I can recall the first few weeks after my wife passed. I would go through the motions and wasn't even sure I knew what I was doing. When Celene passed, I had friends help me out financially and even a church I didn't belong to gave assistance. I have found that when I asked for help I received it, and even if the individual I talked to couldn't help me, they pointed me in another direction that could. We don't know what the future will bring or we would have seen these life changing event long before they happened. Be strong and let Jim's love be your will to find the answers you need.

Anthony

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Anthony,

I am so sorry for your loss. I am working on trying to be strong, as I know Jim would want and knew that I am. It's just at this time, and facing all of this financial difficulty that I just want to withdrawal from everything. Some days it's just to much to handle, especially from the harassement of my landlord, she just doesn't stop! She told me when Jim passed away that she would work with me until I got back on my feet financially, yet all she has done is harass me almost daily, even when I am keeping her up to date on what help I am working on. I just don't know how much more of it I can take. I haven't even had time to grieve Jim, due to all the financial garbage.

Sorry I am rambling, she just sent me a very nasty text last night that has me upset and worried she will try and throw me out of my home. I have never been late except in Feb. when Jim was in the hospital for 15 days and I kept in touch with her even them, and to have a tennant that pays on time and every month, you would think that she would be a little more understanding. So much for working with me!

Thanks for your support, it has helped to be able to come here and vent my feelings, the few family and friends I have don't even want me to talk about Jim or what I am going through, but here there are so many understanding individuals, some even help by giving info that helped them. Some has helped me, due to them sharing! Hope you find the same support here.

amw

Link to comment
Share on other sites

amw,

I am not sure what renter rights you have where you live, I know that it takes 90 days to remove a renter here in the Phoenix area where I live. If you get a moment, search the Internet for your State, County, and City laws that describe a renters rights. I know how it feels to have people constantly calling when it comes to money, especially when there is little to none available. I can only send out my wishes that your financial situations find some resolve. I noticed many have offered some great avenues to start to find assistance. You may even try searching the Internet for foundations that may offer help to widows in need of financial support. Be strong, put away the noise for a moment and let your heart do some healing.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Anthony,

Thank you for your advice, I have finally found a few places that are trying to help with utilities, and food, but the frustrating part for me is that we thought there was a pension (and was told there was one) that would be there for me after Jim passed away, then when I went to sign up to get it they told me we hadn't been married long enough. The thing that makes me angriest is that they knew how long we had been married because they had a copy of our marriage cert.

Jim thought he was taking care of me the way I took care of him, I know he would be just as angry to know they lied to both of us.

Luckily my son is trying to help as much as he can, but his boss just cut his hours two weeks before Jim died. I know that one way or another I will survive, it's just hard without Jim and having to put off grieving for him, to deal with all the financial stuff.

I will look online to see what else might be out there, thanks Anthony. I'm glad you have Ciara and she has you, I'm sure you give each other strength and support through the loss of Celene.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

amw,

I wish I could be of more help. I know that it took almost 3 months before the insurance company released any money. I was lucky that a friend of our family helped cover costs untill they release the funds. I know how you feel and I pray that you will find a way to get through the red tape.

Anthony

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Missing him,

As much as there are days that I just want to curl up in a ball and forget the world, I know I have to keep fighting to survive. Yes, Jim would want me to keep up the fight and not give up.

Hope things are getting better for you, this process of grief take time.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

AMW - thank you for taking the time out of your problems and taking a moment to hope things are bettre for me. I appreciate that. Unfortunately, I'm not doing any better. I don't know how to carry on w/o him. I have a constant "sick to my stomach" feeling that hasn't gone away. I cry and my body feels so weak. We were all we had and I miss everything about him. I want him back so badly. I know I should be trying to get out, walk, etc., but all I'm able to do is (and not easily) force myself out of bed to go to work. Difficult for me to concentrate at work. I wish I could lay in bed with the covers over me but I know I can't do that. I know my baby is without pain now but it's like I have all the pain and heartache now. I'm truly wondering if I will be able to ever accept his loss and live my life w/o him. Family/friends try to ask me to go do things and I have no desire to and I decline. Lost him 5/4 and it still feels like yesterday.

Missing Him

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Dear Missing Him, I think that just five or six weeks after losing the most important person in your life, the fact that yo are getting up and going to work each day is to be commended. That constant sick feeling does eventually subside. I know it comes and goes but it does subside. Your body is weak at least in part because grief is exhausting. Your feelings of loss and sadness are stressful, though unavoidable, for the body. Hence the need for self care including a nap after work, perhaps. I do hope you have some friends that you can turn to for support during this time. Just being able to talk about your loss with people face to face is so very healing. I do remember the feeling that the day Bill died (now 2+ years ago) felt like yesterday for a long time. It still does not feel like it was over 2 years ago...maybe because he is so alive in my heart and mind. I just wanted to reach out to you as you walk this path.

Peace,

mary

Link to comment
Share on other sites

My heart goes out to you, I remember those early days so well. It is nice of people to keep asking you...tell them you don't feel up to it yet but to not give up, to keep asking from time to time. There will come a day you'll want to get out a bit. Everyone adjusts different, different time table, different ways of dealing with things, no way is right or wrong, just unique.

There will be different stages...at first it's such disbelief that the person could be gone. Old habits are ingrained and you're not used to being alone, you hear the phone ring and think it's them, each time that happens it's a rude awakening all over again. Eventually it sinks in, little by little, that the person is gone and you no longer expect them to be on the other end of the phone or at the door. Some things are harder to get used to, like sleeping alone. Nights and weekends were the hardest for me. Holidays were awful. Our anniversary. But somehow I've made it through these years, I don't know how. I'm used to living alone now. Can't say as I like it. I prefer living alone to being with just anybody, but nothing is preferable to just plain old having George back. Life with him was good...he was in every way my soul mate, we were made to go together and I found it so wonderful living with him! I look back at that as the best phase of my life. I feel like the best things are behind me...the best jobs, having kids, having George in my life...now it's wound down to being just me. I wish there was something to look forward to and enjoy but I don't know what. Everything is a phase and everything changes. We can't get too comfortable in life because it doesn't stay the same. The best thing I've learned to do is to enjoy what is right now in the moment...but of course that seems impossible in the early days of grief. In those early days it's hard to think of anything good, it's enough just to keep living, to keep going, to do what you have to do. Take a deep breath and try to keep going...keep coming here and voicing yourself, even if it's all just pain, it's okay, we'll hear you and listen and care. You'll get through this, even when you think you don't want to.

(((hugs)))

Kay

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi Mary - Grief sure is exhausting. I think that is wonderful that Bill is still so alive in your heart and mind. That is how I feel too. I'm 39 years old and never thought this is where I would be. We deserved to have a long life together and grow old together. I don't feel as if I will ever understand "why". I enjoy reading your responses to the others - Thank you, Missing Him

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Kay - Thank you. It does seem like everything is bad and it sounds like so many people on this site are so ahead of me with how they are handling their own situation. I don't know how to enjoy life when he was my life. I feel cheated - we deserved to live a long happy life together - grow old together. I dread night time and the weekends most definately. I will keep trying even though I do not feel like I'm making much progress. Such wonderful people here... Missing Him

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Dear Missing Him

I am so sorry that all of this had to happen to you and at such a young age. Yes, the dream was to have that long life together and grow old together...it was our dream also. I quit asking why because there is no answer. Maybe on the other side of death's threshold we will comprehend it and get the bigger picture. One day at a time...the only way to go.

I wish you some moments of peace as you remember good times.

Peace,

Mary

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Missing Him,

That is exactly how all of us have felt. I guess after so much time went by I quit asking "why", there was no resounding answer anyway. I felt cheated at first, but gradually came to the place where I realized it just is what it is and life had no guarantees of a given length of time. Is it fair? No. But life isn't fair. At least I had him for a time, that's more than a lot of people get in their lives.

It's been seven years this week for me, so that's been quite a while to get from point A to point B. I have never stopped missing him and never will. I just try not to focus on it. I think it was Anthony that said he couldn't wait to get to the point where he can smile at the thought of his wife instead of just this intense pain. I've gotten there, for the most part, although I think it was just a month ago I had a sobbing meltdown, it doesn't happen as much as it used to. I am able to remember memories with George and smile at the thought of him...but sometimes it's bittersweet as the longing is still there too.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I agree Kay. I think the fact that we do not deal with death as a part of life in our society and live accordingly means we all get shocked when it happens. That does not mean we would not grieve a loss but we live like we will never die and death becomes a bigger enemy than it would be. Sort of like a 911...the families of those folks who died were totally shocked as were we all. I also know that no one has promised fair, as we both know, but frankly when I think of all Bill and I had and were, I think I got a life of more than fair. I hear that in your post also. I would think that be it 7 years of 7 months or 7 weeks...it is an anniversary and it is still filled with memories and some tears. I had some meltdowns after that conference and am still trying to get my footing. Focusing on all the things that could have been done for Bill (the theme was palliative care and hospice) if doctors had been honest and if I had not been so wiped out...was hard for me. I am still glad I went. I am far from smiling when I think of Bill. I think your presence here is a great reminder that grief does not end...but gets better. Peace, Mary

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think your presence here is a great reminder that grief does not end...but gets better.

Mary, my dear, that is an incredibly accurate and insightful statement, which captures so perfectly why Kay's continued participation here is so invaluable for all of us. I can only respond, "Exactly!" ♥

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yes, Marty, that, and Kay's wise and generous input is helping many.

Mary

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you, Marty.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks Mary - I wish none of us have to go through this. I will continue to take it one day at a time.

Dear Missing Him

I am so sorry that all of this had to happen to you and at such a young age. Yes, the dream was to have that long life together and grow old together...it was our dream also. I quit asking why because there is no answer. Maybe on the other side of death's threshold we will comprehend it and get the bigger picture. One day at a time...the only way to go.

I wish you some moments of peace as you remember good times.

Peace,

Mary

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Kay - I agree with what you said. I think of the good times and it brings a smile to my face or makes me laugh, then I begin to cry again. I think you have come a long way and I hope I can acomplish healing like you and others here have someday too.

Missing Him,

That is exactly how all of us have felt. I guess after so much time went by I quit asking "why", there was no resounding answer anyway. I felt cheated at first, but gradually came to the place where I realized it just is what it is and life had no guarantees of a given length of time. Is it fair? No. But life isn't fair. At least I had him for a time, that's more than a lot of people get in their lives.

It's been seven years this week for me, so that's been quite a while to get from point A to point B. I have never stopped missing him and never will. I just try not to focus on it. I think it was Anthony that said he couldn't wait to get to the point where he can smile at the thought of his wife instead of just this intense pain. I've gotten there, for the most part, although I think it was just a month ago I had a sobbing meltdown, it doesn't happen as much as it used to. I am able to remember memories with George and smile at the thought of him...but sometimes it's bittersweet as the longing is still there too.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Missing him,

It is such a help to have wonderful people like Marty, Mary and Kay, as well as so many others here to be supportive. I know that these three wonderful women have helped, and continue to help me and so many others. We have entered a club we never wanted to be a part of, but if I have to be a part of it I'm glad I'm in good company!

You are still being so rough on yourself, you need to be kind to yourself! Give yourself the care and time you need. It will be 2 months on the 24th since I lost Jim, I still am having a difficult time, and there are days I don't want to get out of bed let alone do anything else. When I finally do get going I loss track of time or wonder around lost at times, not remembering what I was planning on doing. Other days it's a little better.

Just give yourself the right to have the time you need, and like Kay said, one day you will finally feel like getting out with family or friends. I hope time will ease your pain and strengthen your memories!

amw

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Dear amw

At two months it surely sounds as if you are doing well. I do not even remember the first 4 months. Crawling into the bed and beneath the blankets was tempting for me also in those first months. I chose not to do that and I chose to get out of the house each day for something, even a run to the post office or coffee at the General Store where friends hang out. At times I over did that going and going and then finally got wise and backed off. It is a trial and error times. There are still days on occasion where I stay in my pj's, leave the blinds closed and do not much of anything..those days are rare as I usually have commitments but they do feel ok when I need a day in a cave.

Wandering about lost feels like something I did a lot of. Even now if I have nothing scheduled on a Sunday I might take a long ride with Bentley, our dog, as Bill and I did a lot of road trips on Sundays...we had a map and highlighted the back roads we had traveled...listening to classical music and enjoying Wisconsin countryside and a meal or ice cream. So on occasion I will do that now...as weekends are still difficult. One gets tired of being with people who are not Bill..as grateful as I am for them. Each person has to do this their own way and eventually find our own way. be patient with yourself.

Mary

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...