My Life Flashes Before Me.

[isabella]

i lost my grandmother a month ago. I lost my mom a week ago tomorrow. She was 69 died of copd. She seemed so young. I was able to be with her during the 48 hours before her last breath. I slept in the nursing home and checked on her every hour or so. She struggled so. I cannot get the images out of my head. I feel devastated. I can hear her struggling to breath when i close my eyes to sleep. I cannot sleep. I am shocked and saddened that she died. Sometimes i cry and just cry. Cannot concentrate for long periods. cannot sleep but that is all i want to do.

i held her hand and soothed her head. I let her know that i loved her. I love you mommie i would say every hour. In and out of her level of conciousness she would recognize me, really see me there and she did not want me to leave. With other family members in the room i could feel her eyes on me and see her watching me wherever i went as if she did not want me to leave. I know she did not want me to leave. With her last breath i think a part of me died too. I cannot get on with life as i should. I have not let go of her as of yet. I need to know she is okay, at peace and in a better place. I know she loved me. We had our times and our family as a whole was ridiculous. My father died when i was 3... suicide.....it was my mom, my grandmother and my 3 sisters and brother. crazy life. I was not able to be there with my grandmother who died the same of copd. I was deeply saddened by her death and we all new mom would go shortly after mama did. and she did. my mom died on monday oct 6. My sisters birthday was oct 5. my dad killed himself on oct 7. my man of 20 years and i decided to call it quits after many years of trying to have a relationship that just was not there anymore. he left the friday before my mom died. now i am left with loss of all 3 and feel crazy or that i will go insane. my siblings with the exception of 1 are now not talking as the issues of family, life etc have surfaced and in our usual style we have to pull apart rather than be together for one another. It is horrible. I am having extreme anxiety to the point of almost passing out and last night i was so sick from it all i threw up. I have tried to sleep but i keep waking up. I hear my breathing and think it is my mom's. I hear her gurgling and drowing in her own fluids. I do not know where to put this.....perhaps here i have found a place. i know that i will get better with time, love and comfort however until time goes by i feel horrible. I miss my mother, my grandmother. They were strange, quirky women but god i loved them. I do not know how to do this.

[NickyA]

You have endured so very much....... and writing it all down must have caused you many tears.

Oh I know how that is.......

The love you have for your Mom and Mama will go on and you are strong enough to know that their love will help you get through this.

It is so sad to hear your family are split, but I'm sure it is only for the moment and things will change.

Look after your self and please get medical help if you cannot do it on your own.

You would have a crutch for a broken leg so why not pills for somthing broken inside you...... I have and I know I couldn't have kept life going for my children without them. I know its only for a while, until I get strong again.

I know you will too...... find your love and comfort where ever you can ........

love and hugs too from

NickyA

[isabella]

thank you for your response nicky. i appreciate. i think it helped to write it somewhere and i am taking it an hour at a time. thanks.

[soul mate left behind]

Oh my gosh I read your story, how sad. I feel like you do, how do I go on and where do I even start. It has been 28 days since I lost my soul mate, and when I found this site and wrote it all down I felt a bit of a release. I felt like I was the only person in the world who had lost someone so dear to them. During the last 28 days I have learned to wake up and go through the motions of my day, but still feel as though Im in a daze. I have cried so many tears that I sometimes think Im going to die. I havent got to the days where they say it gets better, I think that will come when Im not counting how many days it has been. You are still in the counting days too. Someday we will be able to look back and say its been 3 months, 8 months and then a year. I still think about all the recent plans we had made, and wonder how Im going to go on as Im sure you do too. I have read many things on this site that has helped me to prepare for things ahead I hope you have found them too. My heart goes out to you and you will be in my prayers tonight. Together you and I even though we dont know each other will take one day at a time, for you its probably one hour at a time. When you wake up every morning tell your self you will make it through this day and every night when you go to bed say to your self...I made it through this day. I think thats all we can do for now. I am so glad I read your post because now I know someone else is in this with me and together with all the encouragement that people offer here we can make it!!! Take care Isabella, you are in my prayers.

[MartyT]

Dear Isabella,

I want to respond to the fact that you have experienced three very significant losses in the span of just one month: the death of your grandmother, the death of your mother and the death of the relationship you've had with your "man of 20 years." We can only imagine how overwhelmed and traumatized you must feel.

It's not surprising to me that, because you've been hit with one significant loss after another, probably with little opportunity to process each of them separately and individually, you now find yourself in what I would certainly call "grief overload." Grief is like that -- if we can't give it the attention it demands at the time of our loss, it doesn't "go" anywhere, and it doesn't get resolved -- it simply goes underground and waits for us to take care of it. And sooner or later, out it comes, just as if any or all of these losses had happened yesterday. As soon as we are hit with just one more loss, or even the anniversary of a past loss, it is not at all uncommon for that event to trigger all the grief reactions we've been suppressing for a very long time -- like the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back. (Notice, for example, how you are recalling October 7 as the anniversary of your father's suicide.) In the wake of all of this, you say that you're "having extreme anxiety" and are worried that you "feel crazy or that I will go insane." Please know that withstanding all these accumulated losses is not "going out of your mind" or "having a nervous breakdown" -- it is a normal reaction to a very abnormal situation!

Also, since your losses have come so recently and so close together, I would expect that you are still in a state of shock and disbelief, not even ready to begin the work of grieving. That's not necessarily a bad thing -- denying the reality of what is happening can be nature's way of cushioning all these blows because they are way too much for you to take in all at once, and it's the only way you can continue to function on a daily basis right now. It may even feel as if you must take a defensive posture, keeping yourself in a state of heightened alert to guard against the next onslaught of very bad news that surely must be waiting just around the corner.

Because grief is an intensely personal experience, your personal grieving style will be unique to you and your individual personality. Nevertheless, there are certain reactions that are common to us all, such as the very ones you describe: re-living those awful last moments just before your mother died, feeling shock and sadness, crying, difficulty concentrating, having trouble sleeping even though you're exhausted, feeling sick to your stomach, thinking you've heard your mother's labored breathing -- these are all normal experiences, especially at this very early point in your grief journey!

You say you don't know how to do this, and I suppose that's true of all of us who are grieving. Nobody knows how to do this -- because there simply is no right or wrong way to do it -- there is only your way, and you must discover that way for yourself -- as someone already has said: one day, one hour, one moment at a time.

You say "I don't know where to put this, and perhaps here I've found a place." Writing is one of the oldest methods of self-exploration, self-exprssion and self-discovery, and this forum can be a trusted friend who's available to listen to you at no cost, 24 hours a day, regardless of what mood you're in.

I also hope you have someone to talk to about all of this, so that when you are ready to take the time to do so, your feelings about all of these losses can be explored, expressed, worked through and released -- a trusted relative, friend, neighbor, clergy person or counselor. There are all kinds of resources "out there" in your own community - you just have to make the effort to pick up your telephone and ask for the help that you need. I encourage you to contact your local hospice organization, mortuary, church or synagogue, or even your local library, and ask what bereavement support services are available in your own city or town -- and if you don't have the energy to do this research yourself, I hope you will ask a friend or a relative to do it for you. As overwhelmed as you feel, you are in need of support, comfort and understanding, and I hope you will think of this as a gift you can give to yourself.

Meanwhile, this forum is here for you, and even though we cannot take away your pain, we hope you'll take comfort in knowing that you don't have to bear it all alone.

Wishing you peace and healing,

Marty T