Overwhelmed By Lost Love, Got Dumped After Death

[pmack]

Brokency;

i can relate, my g/f of two years told me she needed a "break" after her father died suddenly two weeks ago. obv the wounds are still real fresh and i need to give her the space she needs. smothering her w/ love will have the oppisite effect and it will make her resent me for not being able to recipricate that love at the moment. i totally understand this! your story has inspired me, i was really discouraged reading all these posts the past few days, seems like they always end badly. but not yours! your stood by your guy through the worst of it and came out ok, you gave him space when he needed it and was there or him when he wanted to come back! i'm going to try to follow in your footsteps....also my belief is that there are more b/c this is a grief forum your going to come accross at lot more sad stories than happy endings, people who have happy endings don't usualy post on sites such as these. that being said, i'm posting here and my ending hasn't been determined yet, it's only been two weeks since her dad dies, she's already pusing me away, but i'm getting good advice here on what not to do. so that is helpful!

[pmack]

Brokency,

right now i am experiancing the same thing that you went through. your story is so inspiring! my g/f of two years just told me she needed a "break" after her father died two weeks ago. i was very close to him, was at the hosipital when he died, spent new years eve putting together picture boards for the wake, stood by her durring the funeral. We had dinner alone together for the frist time since his passing on tuesday and i could tell it was killing her to have that conversation. but it was the right thing to do. the wounds are still so fresh and she needs alot of space and time to get herself right (if that is even possible). it's soo hard not conacting her, i think about her every waking moment and dream about her at night (when i can sleep). but it is what is best for her. she asked for space and i need to respect her wishes. after reading alot of posts by people in similar sittuations i found that the common denominator is that they weren't giving thier sig. other the space they asked for and needed. they smothered them w/ love and support and it blew up in their faces, they end up hating eachother. this didn't happen to you and i don't want it to happen to me. thanks for posting you story! i'd love to hear an update!

[kayc]

pmack,

I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation, it's a tough place to be in. I don't think anyone can predetermine what will happen, everyone's situation is unique, and yet there are a lot of commonalities there as well. You are right that a person needs to grant space when the other wants it, but that may or may not result in having the outcome you want. Regardless of outcome, people need to respect each other's wishes. Grief is a hard thing to go through and it changes people.

When Jim broke up with me he was taking care of his mom while she was dying; he didn't ask for space, he totally cut me out of his life. We didn't have any contact for a couple of months, and then when I learned his mom had died, I sent him a sympathy card. He called as soon as he got it and talked for 3 1/2 hours. In the ensuing weeks, he gave me mixed messages, mostly because he was confused himself, and I had to withdraw emotionally for my own sake. I felt like I was on the end of an emotional yo-yo, being yanked around!

Today we are friends. We are no longer the engaged couple we once were, no longer speak of a future together, but we are friends. It's been 2 1/2 years since he broke up with me. Just this week he invited me over for a dinner he fixed for me. It was nice. We've only seen each other 3 or 4 times in the last 2 1/2 years but we talk on the phone about every other day. I'm glad he's still in my life, even though we won't be getting married. I had to accept the changes. Neither of us has been interested in dating others since, but that's an individual thing each person must decide for themselves.

[pmack]

i've been reading alot of your posts KayC and they are all very helpful. i'm not at the stage yet where my g/f has broken up w/ me, although i can see it comming if i try and pursue our relationship while she is still greaiving. just reading and talking to people going through the same thing is very helpful. i used to talk to her about my feelings and what not, but i can't right now and it sux! i want to call her / text her/ email her all day long like i used to but that's not what she wants. she just can't deal with it. today is the two week anyiversary of her dads death! TWO WEEKS! i just need some patiance and a forum to vent on, hence why i am here.

on tuesday she told me she needed space, when we were leaving eachother we were both crying promising to eachother that this wasn't a break up, we kissed and said i love you to each other, since then i've had minimal contanct w/ her (compated to the 24/7 contact we've had for two years) i texted her when i got home that night, just to say i was home safe (she always asks that i do this) i texted her the next afternoon to set up a meeting between her and a friend of mine who has gone through the same thing (she asked me to do this). and i texted her this mornig after no contact for 36 hrs, just b/c it's the two week aniversary of her dad's death and i wanted to her to know i was thinking of her. we havn't said "i love you" to eachother since Wenesday (i know that doesnt seem like a long time but we normally say it a few hundred times a day!) she made it clear durring our last date that she just cant recipricate love right now, she's just too overwhelmed by greif. which i understand.

it just sucks that there isn't a time limmit for these sort of things, i just have to see if she breaks up w/ me or comes back when the fog lifts, and if she's the same person who i've loved dearly for the past two yeear, which seems doubtful.

[kayc]

You are in a very hard place to be. Try very hard not to wonder and worry about the future...do your best to stay in today, in this very present. Also, right now, try to focus on you. That is going to be very hard to do because she is like an undercurrent in the back of your mind, always there in your heart, a continual presence. But if you can try to busy yourself with friends, family, other activities. Take a class you've always wanted to take, volunteer your time, spend time in a hobby, etc. I found it really helps to stay busy and not be alone all of the time. It involves you, requires something from you, and helps bring you into the present rather than reliving the past or worrying about the future. The more involved we are with the present, the better off we are. This is a challenge, I realize that, but practice helps.

I've heard it said to let go and see if that something comes back to you, if so, it is meant to be. Perhaps that is true. I don't mean break up, I mean metaphorically; I think in a way that happened in mine and Jim's case...he did not come back to me in the same form, but another, and it is good. I smile as I write, regarding the time limit, yes it would be nice if their was a time limit so we didn't have to go on in that excruciating way!

[pmack]

I woke up crying this morning. At first it was because i felt like i lost the best thing in my life. Then i thought about what she lost and i cried even harder. Nothing is ever going to be the same. I don't know if i should contact her not. She is all i think about. I just want to hear her voice. I'm mess. And she must be 100 times worse. Thst thought is killing me b/c i can't imagine feeling any worse than i do right now. I feel so bad for her. I want to be able to help her. It's my job as her b/f to make sure she is ok, to make her happy.

It's impossible to do that right now and it sucks. Alot. I just started crying again. I've never been so sad and it makes me feel guilty b/c i know she is so much worse. I just keep thinking; i miss her, she misses her dad. She might come back to me. Her father is gone forever. That thought is crushing. I just want to fix her. But i can't. I'm so lost. Everything was perfect two weeks ago! Why did this have to happen????!!!

[Helena_d9]

Hello pmack, i think i was in your situation a few weeks ago in the sense that i could see a break up coming because of my ex (still hard to write that). I'm sorry to read your last post and how upset you were. How are you doing now?

I've found this site so helpful knowing i am not the only one is this situation of grief breaking up a relationship when you have supported and given the person so much and you have just been abandoned. I've only just had the courage to post and respond.

it is so hard to take a step back and allow yourself to be pushed away knowing that if they talked to you and if they turned to you, you could help them through it again.

How are things going with you Brokency? It was interesting to see that your relationship, against the odds, came back together.

x

[kayc]

How are you doing, pmack? I'm sorry I didn't see your last post, usually I get a notification at the end of the day but since there was more than one, it probably came through as a conversation and I missed that part. Are you doing better now? It DOES take a while for the tears to stop, the first few months were the roughest for me. I miss Jim, I still have feelings for him, but I'm much more protective of my heart now, and in no way do I want to get hurt again. It's still a little confusing, how he could love me and be engaged to me and just suddenly break up like that. I understand now that every ounce of their energy went into their grieving (all of them we've written about here) and there was nothing leftover to do a relationship...yet they DID seem to be able to keep going with their friends, neighbors, family, etc. I'm curious how these same people would have responded if they'd been married. To me engaged is very close to marriage, yes it can be called off, but you've already made a commitment to each other...it's just weird to me. I could not have done this to someone. I've grieved plenty and never responded like this, but I guess we don't all respond the same.

[Pollara]

Well I will keep this post as a motivation one. I only find posts that the one who distant himself never returned. But this is the 3rd "successful" case that I read so that gives me hope.

[kayc]

Well mine never rekindled our relationship but at least we're friends...and in the 2 2/3 years since he broke up with me, neither of us have dated.

[Pollara]

Well mine never rekindled our relationship but at least we're friends...and in the 2 2/3 years since he broke up with me, neither of us have dated.

yes but it was you Kay that you actually said no, you won't hurt me again and I admire your courage. Otherwise it might even have continued to a kind of "sick" situation (excuse me about the word sick but English is not my mother tongue and it might sound a little bit harsh. I mean in a difficult situation with ups and downs and emotional breakdowns etc).

Well in my case we might as well be friends, but I actually find it difficult to be friends with him while I have my 2 previous bf as friends, I cannot be still friends with him, since I still want him and because our relationship hadn't make its full circle. I mean it would be easier for me to accept a break up of a 2 years relationship for example (I know it might sound crazy)

[kayc]

That's true but that's because I could sense he was in no way near committing...if he'd been willing to commit and explain how he came to break off with me the way he did, and if he'd be willing to work through what needed to be worked through to make a go of it, I think I would have been willing too. But I will not let someone hurt me with back and forth stuff and emotional yanking around, nope, just won't go there. I have to protect myself.

[Pollara]

yes of course. I understand what you mean, since he was your fiance and not "just" a boyfriend. And the way he broke up with you, was it via Fed ex if I recall? It was pretty harsh for a person who was supposed to be your husband someday. At least he could have make the efforst to talk things with you face to face. But yes, I believe that you made the right decision, but each case is different and it all depends on the timing I guess. But I feel so sad about the way a death can cause so much pain to other people and not only to the people that are griefing. It is so strange that in most of the cases people turn to their SO for support, but there are exceptions who want everyone around them except their S.O.

[kayc]

Well I'd never say "just a BF" because that'd demean that relationship...if it's valuable enough to break your heart, it's an important relationship to the one involved, whether married, BF, or fiance. Yes, he broke up by Fed Ex. That was very harsh, I deserved better. But I understand, to a point, because he's Aspergers and they have a hard time with communication. But if this is any sign of how marriage with him would go, I'm best off not married. But I still care about him and enjoy his company, I just think maybe it's best we're friends. In Jim's case, he'd been caretaking 24/7 and was sleep deprived...severely, and family members were not giving him any respite. By the time his mom actually passed, he was almost out of his mind from lack of sleep, grief, to the point he couldn't think. And as I've learned, by the time he reached "normal" it wasn't his old normal, but a new normal. This is why so many do not reconcile after a breather...they are no longer the same people for having experienced grief.

You said in another post that maybe those who didn't make it intact through grief had other problems in their relationship. I don't know, I've wondered the same thing, because after all, otherwise wouldn't marriages take a nosedive because of grief? Actually, I've heard that many that lose a child have an affair and some lose their marriage. I knew two who did. But I can't speak for all of these relationships, each one is unique, and there's always the possibility that maybe the relationship was terrific and just didn't survive grief, who knows...we can't presume to know everyone's situation and as for my own and many of the others here...there's too many unanswered questions. I just know it had the potential but for whatever reasons, he didn't choose that way.

[misswilson]

My boyfriend lost his brother 13 years ago to a car accident. He since then has lost a couple of close friends and just 3 days ago has lost another close friend. I have only been here to witness his grief for the most current loss. Since loosing his friend on Sunday which is 3 days ago, he has completely pulled back from our relationship. Saying he has no feelings or emotions. He is not sure if we wants a relationship right now. Things were completely fine with us before and now he is questioning everything about us. I feel completely caught off guard. Even though it has only been a couple of days I know that I want our relationship and him more than anything. We had the greatest love and now with all of this going on it feels like it has been taken away. My heart feels broken as while he sits here and says it is the relationship I know it has nothing to actually do with us. I am hoping we can get back on track and into our good place again but sometimes I feel there is no hope. And other times he showers me with hope. It is such a confusing time for the both of us. I have been researching grief and how people deal with it all this morning. I have to say this is probably the best read I had been able to read. I know that I want to be in this relationship with him and I don't want to walk away even though advice from friends has been to leave. But this story has given me some hope that he will come back. He just needs time and maybe some space to figure out how he's feeling. We live together with my daughter and I really don't want to move out only to be able to work past this rough patch and have her confused. Ahh so much confusion at this time. 

 

I am super happy to have found this group. 

[kayc]

Hi, Miss Wilson.  I'm sorry for your BF's loss and for what YOU are feeling as well.  My fiance of one year broke up with me suddenly when his mom was dying...he was her caregiver and he was sleep deprived as well.  Grief can do that to a person, it makes it hard for a person to focus on more that one thing at a time (what they're going through), and they feel they have nothing left to give to a relationship.

If you want to give your relationship any kind of a chance to survive, either as BF/GF or as friends, my best advice is NOT to talk relationship talk at this time, and do not put ANY pressure on him whatsoever.  The smallest thing can be too much and drive them over the edge, and even with the most understanding patient person in the world supporting them, they can STILL go over the edge...because it's not about you, it's about his grief.  It AFFECTS you, and will cause YOU to grieve your relationship, as you knew it.  I hope you feel comfortable coming here and venting whenever you feel the need.  I'll be here and listen and respond in whatever way I can.  

It will help if you read some of the other threads in "loss of love" section so you'll know it's normal and you're not alone in what you've going through.  I know it hurts.

It's very possible he may come around again, only time will tell.

My ex-fiance and I remain very good friends, all these years later, but we had a few months where there was no contact.  Sometimes no contact can be good because it helps preserve what feelings of love and caring you still have.

[Raven12]

Hello Kayc, and to all of the posters here that are in the same situation as me....I feel some hope just being here. 

My boyfriend of a year lost his 22 year old son in a car accident early in December.  That night was horrible, I stayed with him, holding him all night, and helping he and the family with the funeral plans days later.  You know where this is going, I've read all of the posts.........and that's why I am here.  I finally feel like I am not alone. 

I kept in contact with him and we would still meet up for dinner once a week, but our weekends together stopped.  He would come over and go home, and he became consumed with home projects and work.  I kept a regular text and phone check in to make sure he was alright, but often would back off and let him call or text me.  That got less and less too.  Finally after a month of seeing him once or twice, and never on the weekends, I told him I felt it was best if he took some time out for himself.  Not a breakup but time for him to process how he was feeling.  He got upset at first, saying he knew he was neglecting me.  I told him how much I cared and that he needed to take care of himself and his family now and that I wasn't angry.  That I understood. I told him I had to take care of me too.  It was constant cancelled or rescheduled plans only to find out he was working on a project with his buddy and rescheduling being with me. I felt selfish for saying that, but didn't feel it was fair to be put aside either.  I  knew in my heart that time on his own was what he needed to heal and process his pain regardless of how he spends it. 

Since that decision I feel like I committed relationship suicide.  It was okay at first, but now I barely hear from him.  Now I only get a response if I text him, and he hasn't called me since early February.  I usually wait one to two weeks before I text, and even tried to call him but got voicemail.  He ended up texting me two days later saying things were very difficult for him.  So finally I backed way off, went to a conference last week and hadn't called or texted in two weeks.  Then I get a comment to my conference photo on facebook saying he hoped I had a good time.  I messaged him the next day and all he said was "Are you home?"  I said yes.  And  that was it. 

Is it best to leave the communication initiation up to the one that is grieving?  I am struggling with guilt over this, feeling like I am alienating him if I don't text him.  On the other hand I feel like I will subsequently push him out of my life if I do.  I cannot imagine the amount of pain he is in right now and I do more crying for him than myself lately. 

Miss Wilson I am getting the same advice from friends, to walk away, easier said than done.  I love him. 

[Raven12]

To add....things escalated with me the other day.  I lost my temper fixing my back garage door when the wind whipped the ladder over, crashing it into the house.  I screamed to God "WHY DIDN'T I HAVE ANY WARNING THAT THIS WOULD HAPPEN TO ME????" 

Then it dawned on me.......My boyfriend didn't either on the night the officer handed him his son's wallet and said "He's gone." 

Something that set me straight, despite my sadness, my boyfriends is beyond comprehension. 

[kayc]

Raven,

Hi, welcome here.  It does help to know you are not alone...or crazy.  His response is normal and you didn't commit relationship suicide, you responded how they would want us to respond, to give them space without judgment, to wait in the wings.  That said, there's a limit to how long someone can wait in the wings and you may reach a point where you can't do this any longer.  That's okay too and he understands that risk.  If you can hang in there, though, he may or may not come around, but it'll probably be a good long while if he does.  I mean a REAL long while...if ever.  It's weird how something can just out of the blue change your relationship through no fault of your own...or their's.

Yes, as you say, your BF didn't get advance notice either and I imagine this sent him reeling like nothing else in his life.

It's hard watching them go to work, even have fun sometimes with their friends, but not have anything to do with us.  That's the incongruity of it all.  You see they associate their relationship with us as requiring something from them, and that adds stress to them that they absolutely can't handle right now...so no matter how patient or understanding we are, we could be Mother Teresa and they would respond the same...withdraw.  Just as he said to you, "I know I'm neglecting you."  They put that on themselves with no help from us and that is the thing that is our undoing.

You've already heard my advice then, to spend time focusing on YOU, connect with family and friends, keep busy, give him time.  I would definitely respect his wishes as to what he wants (space), but maybe interject once in a great while that you're thinking of him.  Be careful not to lay any pressure on him though as he can take anything the wrong way, he's in a supersensitive state right now and will be for a long time...he's grieving.

I hope he's seeing a grief counselor, he may not have thought of it though.  He's not likely to welcome suggestions from you, so hopefully someone else has suggested it to him.

I know how hard this is for him AND for you, my heart goes out to you big time, I know the pain...

[Raven12]

Thank you KayC,

Thank you for your reply.  My heart goes out to you also, it is painful to invest such time and your heart into a relationship to have it fall apart when things get bad in life. 

I know him too well, he's crushed right now and lost.  I was always the one he ran to with every personal issue, and he was always open and easily showed emotion with me.  This is too big for him, I know that.  And he's suffered some terrible losses in a short amount of time.  His grandfather was murdered, lost his home in a sticky break up before he met me, his brother has addiction issues.  I don't like being the one to have to step back, especially after all that I've done to support him, but I know it was the right thing to do.  I could feel it coming, someone had to say it for him.  Unfortunately he's the victim of everyone's petty needs in his family, and they all take advantage of him, even after his son's death.  I'm the only one that doesn't put demands on him and he knows it.  He will have to figure that out though for himself and cut ties when he is ready so he can take care of himself. 

[kayc]

My "breakup" was 5 1/2 years ago but we ended up friends so I'm glad for that.  Your BF has been through an incredible amount!  He's doing well just to hold it together, I can't even imagine.  We never expect to lose our children before us.

[Raven12]

I can't imagine how much pain he is in right now, I just wish I could be at his side to help him.  I love him so very much. 

[MissLoss]

I also love my man who left me. His second loss came last winter and he became very distant. He would only communicate sporadically until last week he left me altogether for someone else. It doesn't make sense to me either and his recent behaviour has made me very worried about him. I hurt knowing that I can't help him.

But having gone through grief myself, I'm reminded of the times I needed to be left alone as well. I didn't feel for 2 years and walked around like a zombie. But then one day, my feelings came back and I tried reaching out to those that were trying to be there for me. Some understood while others didn't. Hopefully you'll be understanding when he is ready because it is about his loss and his feelings that need to be worked on. It's hard being an empathetic person. 

[Raven12]

Thank you MissLoss,

It is easy to want to analyze why it is happening to "us".  It is, but the greatest thing we can do is shift the focus back to them, and empathize with what they are going through.  I'm a hospice nurse and much of my teachings regarding grief center around those that have been prepared for the end of life.  Not those that have it suddenly taken away, especially a child.  My boyfriend is lost without his son, knowing that he will never share those precious moments of adulthood with him.  

For those that know of a man that has lost a child, I read Kelly Farley's book called "Grieving Dad's to the Brink and Back", an excellent book, I cried through most of it.  All stories from fathers who lost their children at young ages, the darkness in their lives, lost relationships, drinking, suicidal thoughts.  It's an eye opener, heart wrenching, something that really helped me see what Matt must be going through.

Ours was a great relationship before his son's death, I will choose to hold onto that, and be there for him if he reaches out to me. I know in my heart that I did everything to help support him, and I truly believe he knows that. 

Hugs to all, and I hope that I can contribute something here to help others as well. 

[Raven12]

KayC.....your ex fiancé is an Aspie?  I dated a man a few years ago that has Aspergers, and his was a pretty intense case.  I ended up breaking things off, he was highly intelligent and terribly disorganized.  We worked together at hospice and he constantly got disciplined for missing documentation or becoming distracted at work with other things.  He was almost like a kid in a way, charming and funny but immature.  I became his organizer, even going so far as to help him structure his bills, his house, and not forget appointments.  I had to laugh at myself at one point, envisioning my future with this guy.  I was like another mother to him.  I broke his heart but I had to think of myself.  I've been on my own for over 25 years and not willing to settle down until I find the right man.