Death Of An Ex Spouse

[Vaughn]

My ex Husband passed April 27, 2012. We were divorced 12 years to the date. I need to add we were good friends. He would absolutely do anything for me and three boys we shared. I can remember the day they found him in his house (January 16, 2012)unconscious. He was transported to the Hospital and the next events changed mine and the children life. His leg was amputated from complications of diabetes and a number of health issues from the complications of the diabetes. I miss him. I miss his voice and how he would call. My life consisted of helping my 23 year old son make real grown up decisions. My routine consisted of hospital visits after work. I felt he would have done the same thing for me. The last three weeks of his life he started to ask for me. He could not speak directly, because he had a Trach and was on the ventilator. Our communication was through a word chart. However, I could never make out what he was trying to tell me. He seem so happy to see me. We both had moved on with our lives, but did the right thing by our children. Somebody help me with this. His life was very significant in ours. I am experiencing grief like I never have before.

[mfh]

Dear Vaughn, I am so sorry for your loss. I think the world tends to think that losing an ex-spouse is not as painful as losing a spouse but I have walked with my friend as she grieved the loss of her ex-spouse and that helped me to see how deep that pain is. You shared life, kids, and so much more including a friendship and his asking for you and you being there spoke of the love you had for each other. I am so sorry. These early days are so tough. I never thought they would get better when my husband died 2 years ago but they do get easier. Right now it is a matter of honoring your pain and grief and that of the kids, taking care of yourselves and sharing here and with others who are there for you in this loss. I understand your statement that you are experiencing grief like never before. It DOES get better in time but as I said, it is now time to feel your feelings and be there for the kids also. This group is a good place for you to share and vent. We all respect loss, believe me. No judgments. I wish you peace on this painful path. Mary mfh

[kayc]

Vaughn, You spent years with your XH and he was, in a current tense, a very huge part of your life, so it's understandable that you miss and mourn him. People may not understand that because most of our society has been taught to hate the ex, but there are all kinds of reasons people divorce, and having gotten past that, the love sometimes emerges all the stronger. I am glad you were able to be friends and didn't waste precious time hating each other...it'll make it easier for your son to talk to you about his dad in the days to come.

You aren't alone in grieving your XH, others have as well and we're here to support you. What matters is not the divorce, but the love and the loss you are experiencing.

(((hugs)))

Kay

[Vaughn]

Kay,

Thank you so much. I really needed this.

[Vaughn]

Dear Vaughn, I am so sorry for your loss. I think the world tends to think that losing an ex-spouse is not as painful as losing a spouse but I have walked with my friend as she grieved the loss of her ex-spouse and that helped me to see how deep that pain is. You shared life, kids, and so much more including a friendship and his asking for you and you being there spoke of the love you had for each other. I am so sorry. These early days are so tough. I never thought they would get better when my husband died 2 years ago but they do get easier. Right now it is a matter of honoring your pain and grief and that of the kids, taking care of yourselves and sharing here and with others who are there for you in this loss. I understand your statement that you are experiencing grief like never before. It DOES get better in time but as I said, it is now time to feel your feelings and be there for the kids also. This group is a good place for you to share and vent. We all respect loss, believe me. No judgments. I wish you peace on this painful path. Mary mfh

Mary, I shared your post with my Mom. She agreed this was absolutely what I need.

Thanks so much.

[Queeniemary]

Vaughn, I have experienced the same loss, an ex-husband. My first husband and I divorced in 1978, however we had four children so our lives were always entwined. We shared losing a son at 4 months of age, when he died, no one else in my family was left that really understood about that loss. He died from lung cancer on April 19, 2003, and although we had been divorced all those years, I still grieved for him. Grieved for the memories of the early years when we were happy, and having children. Grieved for the loss that my children and grandchildren were going through. Grieving that he was not going to see all these grandchildren grow up. People don't always understand, they think because you are divorced you don't care at all for the person, but that is not always the case. Both my first husband and I had moved on, married others, but there was still the connection. His widow is still a part of my children's life, and she and I, both sharing the loss of our spouses, have a common bond.

She was very supportive to me when I lost Mike on Jan. 13, 2010. Neither of us ever thought we would be without our spouses as we went into the "golden" years.

Will keep you on my mind and in my prayers, Vaughn.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[kayc]

I might add, if my XH, Paul, the father of my kids, were to die, I would greatly mourn him and I don't think it would ever stop. We were married for 23 years, our families bonded, I took care of my sweet MIL the last three years of her life when she was bedridden, I visited his dad in assisted living every Friday night for the last year of his life. Our bonds are so great, we had children together, we shared a million memories, buried pets together, etc. Those bonds don't just end with divorce. I think I would mourn not only the loss of him, but also grieve that our marriage didn't make it. I would grieve the future we never had, as well as never getting to talk with him again. I would like to think he feels the same about me. Just because we didn't make it through the hump in our marriage, in no way lessens what all we have shared and gone through together, or what a great person he is.

My heart goes out to you in your loss. Some people find themselves thrown for a loop when their XH dies and they grieve them...by then they are remarried and love their current spouse and they wonder how this can be...but it doesn't mean you don't love your current partner, it takes nothing from that relationship to recognize the person they cared about and spent much of their life with. We can love several people at once, we see that with our children, our siblings, parents, friends, etc.