Jump to content
Grief Healing Discussion Groups

I Don't Know How To Go On Without Him


Recommended Posts

I lost my husband and the love of my life almost 1 month ago. It still feels like it just happened. He was only 40 and went in his sleep. He had COPD, high blood pressure and severe sleep apnea. We only had eachother. He was my life. He got laid off from his job and his health kept getting worse. He was in and out of the hospital since 2009. I was doing it all - working, taking care of him, the house, our dogs, taking him to doctor appointments, etc. He was such a good man. Would give his last dime to you if you needed it. He always made me laugh and knew what I was thinking. I have never experienced death before. This still hurts as bad as when it happened. I feel like I'm doing worse. I have no energy and my limbs feel like they weigh a ton. So difficult for me to get out of bed. Me going to work is all that I'm forcing myself to do and I don't even want to do that. All I want to do is stare at our pictures, re-read all his letters, cards and poems he wrote to me and cry. I want signs that he is still with me (spirtual/energy). I'm filled with such heartache and I don't know how to continue to go on without him. I love him so much!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Dear missing him,

I am so very sorry for your loss. All you are experiencing is common and most of us here who have lost a spouse have felt exactly how you feel. It is time to take care of yourself as much as possible. Work can serve as a distraction right now but getting rest, allowing yourself to cry and feel your pain, eating decent food will all help you get through this. When my Bill died just over two years ago, I KNEW everyone who said it would get better was wrong. but they were right. It takes time...lots of time...support from people who allow you to feel your pain and who respect your grief...and lots of self care. I hope you have some supportive people around you and if not I urge you to locate a grief support group if there is one in reasonable distance. I did one, I came here and still do, and did individual counseling...and counted on certain friends. It is all helpful. You came to the right place here as we all know loss and grief and will support you and embrace you as you walk this painful path. Keep coming back. Again I am so sorry. I know the pain of losing the love of your life.

Peace

Mary

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I would say going to work at this point is a huge feat. I know what you are feeling because that is what I went through. My husband had just turned 51 but we'd only been married 3 years 8 months and I never expected this, it was quite a shock as we didn't know until his final weekend that he had five blocked arteries and a badly damaged heart. If I'd known I would have had him quit his job. It is hard when you're left all alone. My son was in the Air Force at the time and my daughter moved an hour away but she never visits except holidays and not always then. When you're used to sharing your life with someone it's a very difficult adjustment to suddenly being alone. Try not to expect too much of yourself. I concur that it'd be good to seek out a grief support group, someone you can see face to face and meet with. My town is too small for that and I tried grief counseling but didn't care for the counselor and there isn't a lot of choices around here, but if you're in a bigger town you should be able to find someone.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Missing him,

Mary and Kay are giving you good advice, I am not to much further along than you on the journey of loss. My husband died April 24th. I too am filling much of the same feelings as you are. You said you want to be able to know he is still with you, he is! I was told by a grief counselor at the hospice my husband and I were connected, she told me just two weeks before he died that sometimes our grief is so deep and over whelming that we miss signs that our loved ones give us after they pass. She told me that you need to be open to signs they give us, like a special song on the radio, or a significant symbol that ment something to him or to you or both of you. For Jim, my husband, eagles had significance, and for me butterflies. I can't tell you how much this advice helped me, and I know Jim is with me and signs come, maybe not every day, but when I seem to need them the most. By her giving me this advice before he died, I think it helped me to stay more open to looking for them, plus he told me he would always be my gaurdian angel, I jokingly told him (yet I was being serious) he would have to give me signs so that I knew he was with me. He has done this numerous time. Talk to your husband, let him know you need to see signs from him that he is still around, he will give them to you if you open yourself to receive them.

Give yourself time, you are being so hard on yourself! Take time as I have told you in my one post, it doesn't get better imediately, it takes time and we all need to take all the time we need, it's different for each person and situation. We are here, so come as often as you feel you need to, or want to! Be open to your feelings and try to be open to signs he is sending you, sometimes they are suttle and others can be bold, but they are there! Some days are better than others, but it is all part of the grief, so take time for yourself and be around people that want to support you, rather than those who are not supportive of what you are going through.

amw

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I thank you all for your advice and support. Means a lot to me. AMW - you are so right about the signs. I keep hearing a song on the radio and I know it is him. I wish it could be everyday that I get signs from him but know it can't be that way. I am being very hard on myself - all the "what if I did this or didn't do that". This is the worse thing in the world to go through and I know when people say it will get better, I don't know that it will be better, but it will be "different". I know he doesn't want me to hurt so sorely but it's like I can't control it. I am going to a grief counselor on next week and I hope this helps. I have looked around for support groups near me and most of them are in the mornings or when I'm at work. Disappointed about that. I talk to him all the time, tell him how I'm feeling and read cards to him that I am getting, but it just isn't the same as having him physically next to me. I will continue to talk to him. I miss him so much.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Dear Missing him, I feel your heartbreak / heartache. I lost my husband 3 months ago on the 1st. My situation is different as I have a wonderful family with alot of support. He was sick for almost 2 years in and out of treatments of one type or another. There are times that I still feel like he has gone to work in some other state (normal) for several months and that I will be seeing him any time. I have felt his presence a few times and although I really didn't believe in that stuff, it was very real and comforting. He was also the love of my life. I had so much to do after his death, I didn't have any time really to grieve and maybe that was a good thing for me. Just know that I keep you in my thoughts and after 3 months, it has gotten a tad easier. But we all greive differently. If you can look at pictures, great.....I had to put mine away for awhile.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Sorry about your loss. Lost mine on the 4th. Worse day of my life. I have his pictures all around me - every room I go to. I am always reading the letters, poems and cards he wrote me. I understand why you had to put the pictures away for awhile. Nothing wrong with that. I had 1 dream about him this past weekend and it was so comforting to see him again. Thank you for writing and you will be in my thoughts.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

*hugs* I am so sorry...losing your beloved is such a horrible thing to have to live through. I always prayed that we would go together. I was terrified of this loss. I lost my husband eight weeks ago. He was 36 and dropped dead at work due to an unknown heart problem. I still feel like I am reeling around in shock over his loss.

I agree about the signs. I have seen them all over the place. I have a slide show on my computer that is supposed to be random but more then half the time it shows the same two pictures...the one of him looking at me with his eyes full of love and the one where he has his arms around me and we are just about to kiss. The signs I see have been a huge comfort to me and remind me that even though he is gone he will always love me.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Missing him,

I truely understand, and have many of the same thoughts and feelings. I talk to Jim all the time too, but you are right, the physical presence is what we miss the most, and probably always will. I wish Jim would give me daily signs also, but they are with us and watch over us, I truely believe this! Live will always be different, and some days will be better than others. Just take them one day at a time, and one minute at a time if that is what you need to do to get through that specific day. Support groups do help, so does journaling and art therapy, such as drawing or painting and even scrapbooking. But, you have to do those things when you feel ready!

Know we are here for you!

amw

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think all of us have done the "what if" game and wished this or that could have been different. Hopefully with time you'll be able to accept that things went the way they did for whatever reason and you did your best with a very hard situation. (((hugs)))

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Lina - I think those are such comforting signs for you. Today I had a yellow butterfly come to my car as I was turning down our street. I have never seen one before. This is so hard. I don't know how to keep going without him. He was my life. Today is 1 month exactly that he passed and it still feels like yesterday. I'm very sad today and everyday :(

*hugs* I am so sorry...losing your beloved is such a horrible thing to have to live through. I always prayed that we would go together. I was terrified of this loss. I lost my husband eight weeks ago. He was 36 and dropped dead at work due to an unknown heart problem. I still feel like I am reeling around in shock over his loss.

I agree about the signs. I have seen them all over the place. I have a slide show on my computer that is supposed to be random but more then half the time it shows the same two pictures...the one of him looking at me with his eyes full of love and the one where he has his arms around me and we are just about to kiss. The signs I see have been a huge comfort to me and remind me that even though he is gone he will always love me.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I needed to hear that - I'm crying (again). Thank you

I think all of us have done the "what if" game and wished this or that could have been different. Hopefully with time you'll be able to accept that things went the way they did for whatever reason and you did your best with a very hard situation. (((hugs)))

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Missing him,

Your not being selfish, you miss the love of your life and there is nothing wrong with that! I have been told the same thing by so many others here, we feel we are being selfish because we just want them back in our lives, even when we know here on earth that can never be again. It's ok to have these feelings, and it's ok to say you want him back with you. When you love and loss someone that is that close it is as if a large piece of you is with them, and you don't know how to feel whole. I get this feeling, because I have it too. I still want Jim back every second of every day. It is going to take time to move forward, and you need to be patient with yourself, your grief and your feelings. It is all still so raw and there will be days that are better than others. Mary suggested I go for a walk to get myself out of the house and get some fresh air, take some deep breaths while I walked. Even if it is just for 10 or 15 minutes, just getting out she told me would help. I took her advice, even though all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and never go out again. She was right! It did help, it took a week or so, but it started to help clear my head/mind, and just gave me time to let it all go if that's what I needed to do, and other times gave me time to think things through that I have or had to do.

Do something to take care of you, it's ok to be selfish and put your needs first right now, even though it truely isn't being selfish! Just remember we are here for you!

amw

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Missing him,

How you are feeling is as some say "normal" if there is such a thing. It takes everthing I have to even get out of bed every day. But, once I finally do and get the door open it is easier to take the step outside and then I just put one foot in front of the other, some days I can only go a few houses down and other days make it to the end of the road. It all takes time, and you have to do things in your own time. Unfortunetly depression can work it's way in as you are grieving. But, you have to try and take care of yourself through the grief process, sometimes it's a walk other times it is looking for a counselor to help with grief, depression and all the mixed emotions that go with it.

amw

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Missing Him,

I lost my Celene when she was 40 and it makes me angry that her life ended at such a young age. She had so much more to offer and out of the blue she was taken away. I recall the first month without her and how I wanted to just hide from everyone and anything that reminded me of her passing. Family and friends would not let me be alone, even when I needed time to be alone. We are all here to share our journey with you as you share yours with us. Even months later I find myself crying and wanting to be alone, then I think how Celene would tell me to be strong. The pain will come and go, just know we are here for you.

Anthony

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Some want to be alone, some don't want to be alone. I think it's important for us to recognize what our need is and we have to ensure that we facilitate that...I don't think I ever had so much backbone as after I lost George, I really learned to stand up for myself because it was essential to my grief journey.

I'm sorry you guys are going through so much, I know how overwhelming it can be, esp. in the earlier months. (((hugs)))

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Anthony - You and Celene look great together. What a lovely woman. I'm just forcing myself to go to work. That is all I can do :( How does one go on when they lost their best friend, soul mate, everything? This will be the most difficult thing for us all to go through. I listen to songs he sang to me and just break down and cry. I listen to them over and over again, constantly looking at his pictures and re-reading everything he wrote to me. I to know my baby would want me to be stronger, it just is so hard. Missing him is what hurts so much.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Over the months I have began to avoid the people in my life who have given me advice that doesn't feel right at the time. Some have told me to dive back in to my work to keep my mind busy, others have told me that I need to go out and meet another woman to help ease my pain. I know it will take time to adjust to life without Celene. Celene always had her way of letting me know when I procrastinated so I am sure she will let me know if I drag my feet too long.

From the communications we have had KayC, I pray the new me will be a better me. Thank you for sharing your journey with us, it really helps to shed light into our darkness.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Celene was a very lovely woman and Ciara is every bit her mother's daughter, I was and still am very blessed. I can relate to your breaking down and crying when you hear songs that your love sang to you. I was driving in my truck a couple of months ago and pushed the CD button to find a CD Celene had made for me on Valentine's Day 2008. The songs helped me connect with her and how much love she had for me. The very first song brought tears to my eyes when I listened close to the words. I have shared the link below. I think it will touch many of our hearts.

http://www.dailymoti...ere-you-are_fun

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It is hard to believe people telling you those things but I know it happens. I imagine you know you will listen to and honor your own voice aboit what you need and when. I have had a few people tell me strange things. I stay pretty far away from people like that.

Peace Mary

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you for sharing that...what a beautiful voice! But even more importantly, a beautiful conveyance of message in song.

I had numerous people tell me inappropriate things in the beginning. Knowing they meant well did little to lessen the discomfort of their words. Their words sounded like a nail on a chalkboard to my heart. It's never appropriate to suggest that someone find someone else to replace the void left by their partner...if someone chooses to, that is their business alone but it is a very personal and individual thing that many choose not to do and the timing is ever so important. People need to learn the art of being respectful and supportive and stop trying to rush in to fill the void. It reminds me of how people have lost the art of "quiet"...they do not know how to be still and experience solitude or quiet. They rush in to fill with their incessant babble of words and ruin the meditation of the heart. How sad that today so many of lost the the ability to enjoy both tranquil and when to share words of the heart.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...