My Brother Joe

[caitlynadams]

My brother Joe died on January 9th this year, three days after my 22nd birthday. Growing up we were close, we were only four years apart ( he was 26 ). Its been almost five months and I feel like every step I take I'm moving three steps back. Sometimes I "remember" and it hits me like I'm hearing it for the first time again. Other times I cant even remember what being happy and him being alive feels like. During the last years of his life we drifted apart, I moved away and we weren't the type to call constantly and keep up with each other. We still don't know what happened exactly but we did find out after the autopsy was he did have an enlarged heart. My dad was the one that found him. I think Ive stopped crying for me and now I just cry for my parents and Joe. I cant stop thinking of any pain he felt, he was found in the bathroom where he apparently struggled before falling and hitting his head on the bathtub. I hope he didn't know what was happening, I'm so sorry no one was there for him and its what hurts me most. He never had a real relationship other than high school girlfriends and I'm so angry he didn't have more time. I'm lucky to have someone who has supported me entirely throughout this and I'm mad he was cheated of love and life. I'm jealous of people who have seemingly "easy" lives. Everytime I see anything that he liked or I know he would have I breakdown. My brother loved beef jerky and I don't think I can ever eat it again. My parents are in so much pain and I do not know what to do. I have nightmares hearing how my mom sounded when my dad first told her. I don't think she will ever be the same person again. I don't want to let them know how I feel because they feel what I feel times a million and I don't want to put that on them. I keep holding it in until my boyfriend is at work and I just break down every time. Every time I get in the car to drive home from work I cry. I feel like none of my friends have been supportive and since they initially reached to me when it first happened no one has called or written since. I feel like the acceptance people talk about is realizing this will never go away and you will feel a part of this forever but I don't know if I can do this forever. None of my family has reached out to me. Im glad I found this sight and just writing this and getting it out feels a little bit better.

[pastmidnite]

I'm glad that writing this out helped you--keep at it there are many people here to listen and share with ... just knowing that there are others who are dealing with loss and do indeed still mourn past what others seem to think they "should" has been helpful to me. What I find is people are really uncomfortable with loss because it is too much reality for them and they would like to think that life just goes one and everyone is okay with that when it doesn't really work like that. For me finding ways to honor my loved ones that I've lost and integrate them in to my life as I get used to the new world I have to live in without them physically present is what I've been doing. Some days that works and other days I just cry and cry because I don't want to accept that this is the reality of the world that I now live in.

One moment at a time. Peace

[Jess001]

Dear Caitlyn,

I wanted to reply to your story here because it's similar to mine. I'm also 22 and I lost my 20-year old brother suddenly 2 months ago, on May 14, 2012. He was athletic, always working out at the gym or training for kickboxing, which was his passion. He was studying to be a doctor. He had a really bright future and he seemed invincible - tall, muscular, handsome, confident. We also don't know why he died, but it seems most likely that it was a heart problem as well - probably his heart just stopped. It's really hard to understand. Actually it's impossible to understand. Everything we've been taught - people die at an old age, if you look after yourself you'll live for a long time, people younger than us don't die - has totally been disproved. I know how you feel about people not being supportive - I feel like I've lost/let go of most of my friends because they didn't offer me any support at all. They're living in a different world. It sounds like it's also hard that your family is having trouble sharing the experience. Maybe that will change.

I wanted to share with you something that's helped me so far - reading. I've been reading a lot of grief books about how other people got through. It's like having supportive friends, even though you've never met them and don't talk directly. One thing that helped me that I read recently was that grief will change each year, but you should expect for it to still be a really big part of your life for at least 3 years. In other words, it's not a race to 'get over it', or get back to 'normal'. And also that the grief will stay with you your whole life, and we will be changed, like you said about your mum, but in time the grief will change too.

The other thing I liked was listening to an interview with a woman who lost her 27 year old brother when she was 23. Maybe you would like to listen to it - http://www.thedrpatshow.com/shows/drp-080911-noel.mp3

And so she was asked 'have you let go of what happened?' and she said that the only thing she has 'let go' of is the relationship she had with him back then, when he was in her life, but that she will never let go of who he was to her and who he still is. He is a part of her, always on her side, always with her. So maybe one day we'll be able to feel our brothers with us in that way, in a different form and space to how they were before.

Sending you a big hug

Jess

[Darkangel Dawn]

My brother Joe died on January 9th this year, three days after my 22nd birthday. Growing up we were close, we were only four years apart ( he was 26 ). Its been almost five months and I feel like every step I take I'm moving three steps back. Sometimes I "remember" and it hits me like I'm hearing it for the first time again. Other times I cant even remember what being happy and him being alive feels like. During the last years of his life we drifted apart, I moved away and we weren't the type to call constantly and keep up with each other. We still don't know what happened exactly but we did find out after the autopsy was he did have an enlarged heart. My dad was the one that found him. I think Ive stopped crying for me and now I just cry for my parents and Joe. I cant stop thinking of any pain he felt, he was found in the bathroom where he apparently struggled before falling and hitting his head on the bathtub. I hope he didn't know what was happening, I'm so sorry no one was there for him and its what hurts me most. He never had a real relationship other than high school girlfriends and I'm so angry he didn't have more time. I'm lucky to have someone who has supported me entirely throughout this and I'm mad he was cheated of love and life. I'm jealous of people who have seemingly "easy" lives. Everytime I see anything that he liked or I know he would have I breakdown. My brother loved beef jerky and I don't think I can ever eat it again. My parents are in so much pain and I do not know what to do. I have nightmares hearing how my mom sounded when my dad first told her. I don't think she will ever be the same person again. I don't want to let them know how I feel because they feel what I feel times a million and I don't want to put that on them. I keep holding it in until my boyfriend is at work and I just break down every time. Every time I get in the car to drive home from work I cry. I feel like none of my friends have been supportive and since they initially reached to me when it first happened no one has called or written since. I feel like the acceptance people talk about is realizing this will never go away and you will feel a part of this forever but I don't know if I can do this forever. None of my family has reached out to me. Im glad I found this sight and just writing this and getting it out feels a little bit better.

Caitlyn, I can guarentee you that your brother felt no pain what so ever. My son Dairik passed 3 weeks ago of Hypertrophic Cardiomyopathy and this is what was told to us by the cardiologist..Please take comfort in knowing this more than likely pertains to your brother Joe also. ... He had a pre existing condition of an enlarged heart- likely since birth. Nothing anyone would have ever known- unless there were symptoms. The doctors say what happened was 1 in 1,000. Once the heart skips a beat it try's to make up for

that moment and goes into shock which creates an arrhythmia (it beats way too fast for the body to handle) the saving grace with this type of condition is that there is no thought process- no pain- no realization as to what was even going on. The last thing Dairik will ever remember is exactly what he was touching or doing. He had not a single clue that anything was going to happen so in turn there was no shock no being scared no regrets no feeling... What so ever.