My New "normal" Without Pete

[Wifflesnook]

I thought that my original thread was getting a bit long but didn't want to stop posting as I am finding this site so helpful. It's five weeks tomorrow since my beloved Pete died and I am still uncertain about where I am. I know I am still denying that he has gone but the wise words here have told me not to analyse my thoughts and feelings too much so I am trying to follow that advice. I emptied Petes moth trap this morning and tried to identify the moths. I talked to him whilst doing so and when I walked the dog. I made a folder on my computer with recent photos of Pete ready to put into a digital photo frame (mine is broken so I think I will buy a new one). I walked the dog again. I actually managed to sit in our little summer house which is a. Wonderful place but has always been our little haven togther. In the evenings in summer we sit in there with a candle and music and watch the moths coming into the moth trap (where they stay overnight and are identified the next day and released). I cannot imagine sitting there alone at night but in the day it felt good.the roof was repaired today by our local joiner/handyman and I talked to him about things and then for a moment forgot Pete was dead! It was a horrible moment as I have not felt like that for a while. I mean I always know despite the denial that he died, but for a moment I forgot. I have started a journal (again encouraged by things people have said here). I am trying to take care of myself by asking myself all the time What would Pete want me to do? I know I am not alone in my loss now I have found this site. It's really helping me and Mary especially is so wonderful and wise and despite her own heartfelt grief somehow reaches out to people like me. I am so grateful.

[ANC1117]

Jan,

I can recall how angry I felt the first time I felt normal feelings of joy. I thought to myself: how can I be joyful while I should be grieving? It was the information from reading information posted on the site and in this discussion group that made me realize it was OK for me to be happy. This group has offered me so much help in the last few days that I struggled with for months. Just the other day I heard my daughter Ciara laughing while watching a TV show and it made me feel so joyful. It made me remember how Celene loved my laugh and how the stressful life I lived didn't offer me much time for laughter.

Just recently I bought a new printer so I can print pictures of Celene that I will put in frames throughout my office and home. I too began a journal and it has helped me reflect on the great times and memories we shared.

I regret that I waited almost 8 months to log onto the Hospice site and find this discussion board. I am however thankful that I did and look forward to sharing this place with others who can relate. Thanks to all who share and my prayers are with all who read these posts.

[mfh]

Dear Anthony,

I have read your posts but was out of town so I did not post much during that time. I am so very sorry for your loss. I lost my husband just over two years ago and I will never forget those early days with the gut wrenching pain I felt and lived with. Though I have my days, it is easier now to live with my grief and with the loss of my Bill. I do believe those we love and who are now on the other side of death's threshold want us to be happy. I can not imagine Bill not wanting me to have joy. Not that I have it, mind you. I do have an increasing sense of peace. I laugh. I am getting a slight sense of direction. I carry grief more easily. Joy continues to escape me except in my memories of life with Bill and the love we shared. I can live with that...Just wanted to check in and welcome you to this site. You did find the right place as you now know. It has been extremely meaningful to me. Peace to your heart, Mary

[mfh]

Hi Jan,

I think our minds have a major challenge getting themselves wrapped around the reality of our loss. It takes time. There are still days, 2+ years later, when I look at Bill's photo and say, out loud, "this can't be real". Of course, I know it is real but it is such a violation of our hopes and dreams. Your little summer house sounds wonderful and someday you may sit out there at night also. For now, sitting there in the day time sounds like a peaceful moment. Those horrible moments will come (like the one with your handyman). One thing I have learned is I survived all of them so far and that reinforcing the fact that I will continue to survive them. No, you are NOT alone. I understand that feeling of being alone...and continued to feel reassured here that I was not alone. I am glad you are finding my input helpful...lots of folks here have great and valuable input as we are all in the same boat. Helping you...is a gift to you and to me.

Peace, Mary

[kayc]

I can recall how angry I felt the first time I felt normal feelings of joy. I thought to myself: how can I be joyful while I should be grieving? It was the information from reading information posted on the site and in this discussion group that made me realize it was OK for me to be happy. This group has offered me so much help in the last few days that I struggled with for months. Just the other day I heard my daughter Ciara laughing while watching a TV show and it made me feel so joyful. It made me remember how Celene loved my laugh and how the stressful life I lived didn't offer me much time for laughter.

A lot of people feel guilty when they catch themselves laughing or smiling, and we have to come to that realization that it's okay and normal to find joy again, even if it's just a brief moment. In fact, that's why we started the thread about finding positives in each day.

[Wifflesnook]

I dreamed about Pete last night. He came to rescue me when I was cycling and it was going to be dark before I got home a nd I had no lights. It just seemed normal. I wish I could dream about him every night so long as they were happy dreams. The house seems so empty this morning though. I escape into reading the newspaper on line or reading a book and it takes my mind off reality. I have decided I need to go to see our daughter and babies the weekend after next. I keep thinking of what a great grandad they have lost and how I must try to be both grandparents for them. I think this is helpful to all of us so long as I don't make it too negative a thought. This journey is so hard and I am finding it difficult to start the day here. It's 7.30 in the morning so I hope my friends in the states are sleeping well. Thanks for being there. Jan

[mfh]

Jan, I am so glad you dreamed about Pete. I love dreaming about Bill...it is like having him back for a few minutes. For me it is bittersweet since his coming back, means he leaves again. But I will take any dream I can get. Yes, sometimes the dreams are not pleasant...in those cases I try to figure out what is going on with me....and cry a lot.

By the way you cannot really be both grandparents. You know that. You do sound a lot like me....high expectations (which I have lowered considerably but which still need more adjustment) and taking on the impossible. You can be grandmother to your grandchildren and someday you will tell them about Pete, show them pictures, and introduce them to the grandfather they lost. Maybe someday you will create an album for them. Your daughter has lost a dad and that is her grief and loss...a loss that comes at a time when she is also being a new mom again. It has to be so tough to be pulled towards new life and death at the same time.

Yes, you are right, grief is a tough journey...very tough. One day at a time...sometimes one hour at a time. Your entire life has been turned inside out and upside down. Every corner of your life has been affected with the death of Pete. All losses are unique. The loss of a spouse is one that literally affects everything one does all day and night. When my parents died, I did not feel grief like I did with Bill's death. I did not live with them and hadn't for years. It was difficult but nothing like this loss. We do not really realize how intertwined our lives are until that chair is empty. The tiniest things to the biggest things are changed forever...It all takes time as you grieve and much later on you will figure out your new normal. Right now it is about grief...YOUR grief. I send you a hug and compassion. Peace, Mary

Peace, Mary

[kayc]

Part of the grief journey is addressing changes in habits. Habits that are as engrained as grooves on a record are not easily broken. We have had those habits forever changed for us, is it any wonder we are floundering? It will take time to develop new patterns, new habits, new daily schedules...meanwhile, it's uncomfortable...that is an understatement.

While no one can be granddad to your grandchildren the way he would have been, they have a super grandma, and will be blessed growing up knowing you. I think he is by your side as you spend time with them, he's smiling at them, what grandfather couldn't!

[Wifflesnook]

I always knew that life without Pete would be almost impossible (I would have said totally impossible but now I know I have to do it). Because from meeting each other 50 years ago we have become enmeshed in each other. Pete wrote a poem to me on one of my birthdays and it expresses this so well:-

For Jan

In all the years we've been together

Long years that seem not years at all

Our lives are now so intertwined

Vines themselves could not cling closer.

Each day I think I love you more

Yes, more and more, it's true, I promise.

On this your birthday I rejoice,

Utterly glad the you're my wife!

I'm lucky to have this, I know. but the vine metaphor is so telling and I feel like less than half a person now. Yes all our daily routine was based around each other even though we had separate hobbies. The weekends were different from the weekdays even though we were retired. We talked to each other constantly, shopped together, went to the local pub weekly for a meal, walked the dog, cooked together - everything revolved around each other. Now I don't know what day of the week it is. I used to be so busy doing local history research, being the local parish clerk, reading, writing, interacting with friends and neighbours. Now all those things seem pointless. I know I have to go on as how could I do otherwise. My sister died aged 40, 25 years ago and my brother died aged 60 two years ago. And my parents and parents in law have died. But none of these deaths really touched me because my life revolved around my beloved Pete. I just can't imagine how I am going to make a new life without him but if only I can feel him near me in some way maybe it will help? I am talking to him and have started a journal. I am carrying on with his moth trap and will look after the house and garden. You are so right that I can't be both grandparents. I will just try to be a really good grandma. Thanks. X

[ANC1117]

Jan,

Your Pete was so correct about being intertwined. What a lovely poem. I have had friend express how they saw Celene and I together and knew we were so "intertwined". Always spending what personal time we had together. Always talking. Venting our anger, created by others, toward one another then realizing that it wasn't us we were angry at. Holding hands always. Just never getting enough time together and longing for more.

I have had friends tell me about their journey after losing a grandparent, parent, or sibling. I don't discount any of the pain they have endured and share my sympathy for their loss. It is my feeling that losing a spouse / partner shares a whole different level of connection. The support I was given prior to reaching out to this group was from people who have lost family members but not a spouse or partner. The people in this group who share their journey, pains, and joys can relate more closer to the situations I have / may face. I truly miss the bond and intimacy that only a true love of a spouse or partner can offer. That to me is the hardest challenge I face. Just know that I share your grief and hold you in prayer.

Anthony

[mfh]

Jan,

The poem your Pete wrote is lovely and dear and yes, you will treasure that as long as you live. I have all of Bill's poems and read them often. They are pieces of him/me/we. The concept of being intertwined is powerful. Someone at Bill's funeral wrote on her card about how he and I were intertwined. Yes, I believe all of us here feel like we have lost part of ourselves...for in a sense we have. Half, at least, of my heart...a lung...and a good part of the rest of me feels gone.

I agree with you regarding other losses. i have lost both parents, 5 very close friends, all of my 22 aunts and uncles and their spouses, some cousins my age, our first pup and one could put all those losses in one container and it can't touch the loss of Bill in depth, pain, or well...agony.

I just went to my friend's tea house as she is featuring fruit plates and I had one for lunch. Another friend came in with her mother who is visiting and who is 86 and lost her husband last winter. They were together 65 years....we chatted for a little while...and we both understood the other's pain. Bill was in my life for 38 years...more than half my life. You and Pete for 50 years...and yet society expects us to move on in a few months. That is why this group is so helpful...we know better. Yes, the bond and intimacy of our spouses can not be replaced by ten dozen friends, though we need the friends more than ever now.

I imagine it is about 8:30pm there...I think you are 6 hours ahead of us. On a day like today...a tough one in some ways...I wish it was 8:30pm here. In other words, I wish the day was over. We have about 400 bikers in town as they wrap up a 350 mile ride. Tomorrow there will be 500 here to visit Frank Lloyd Wright homes...it is summer in Wisconsin....busy days.

Peace to your heart,

mary

[lizardo]

Hello people,

I am new here, please call me Liz. My husband of 27 years died suddenly April 29, 2012.

You all sound so nice, and you definitely have walked in these terrible shoes. The financial

nonsense alone is driving me crazy! I "think" everything will be ok, but I have a lot to

ponder regarding the next 15 years, as I just turned 50 last year, and was in the midst of a

change in career anyway. There is a ton of support for me here, but somehow it's better to

"talk to strangers," perhaps because I don't want to burden my sons or anyone else who is also

hurting because Big 'D' is dead. It is so hard to talk to these various businesses ALL DAY,

EVERY DAY (ok not the weekends) and remain civil, focused, and strong, while really I would like

to sit down in the middle of the floor and have a tantrum! I thought I had been

angry at times in my life before, but this is some really black rage I have going here, I scare

myself sometimes. I read the rules, so I will keep my language clean here, but, as you can imagine,

the cussing has been totally epic (as the kids would say).

Hope this isn't considered "hi-hacking" your thread, but I wanted to add my voice to the support and

understanding going out to you... hey, it's important to me to be of help to others, and this is cool

because I live pretty far away from anything, and this requires no driving.

Hugs to all.

[Wifflesnook]

Dear Liz

I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your husband. Don't worry. You are not hijacking my thread. In the short time I have been posting here I know it doesn't work like that. We are all here for mutual support. Hugs. Jan

[mfh]

Dear Liz,

How does one welcome someone to a group none of us wanted to belong to. But I am glad you found us. I am so sorry for your loss. I understand...I lost my husband after 25 years of marriage and after a 38 year connection. It has been 2 years now but I will never forget all the paper work, social security forms, insurance forms, transfer of deeds, new checking accounts (we have 3), and so much more. Taking his name off of credit cards, new will and trust, new living will forms...on and on and on it goes at a time when one can hardly put one foot in front of the other. You will find the folks here to be accepting, understanding, non judgmental. Do keep posting and remember the most important thing right now is taking care of yourself even as you deal with all the paperwork. The more tired you get (grief is exhausting as you know) the harder the grief process is.

Peace

mary

[lizardo]

Thanks much Jan and Mary. I'll return in a couple days

as I'm going down to Colorado Springs to see my brother,

with my sister who is visiting from Montana. It's quite

nifty that a cousin of ours has a summer place nearby, and

she can and will host my various and many siblings as they

troop through here to check on me. And my awesome son doesn't

mind coming to take care of the dog while I'm away.

So, lots of things can and do go right, I just have to keep that

fact in mind during the darker days.

Hope you all have a good weekend!

Looking forward to corresponding with you,

Liz.

PS Hi-hacking? I meant hi-jacking! (LOL but it does kinda work)

[ANC1117]

Liz,

It took me couple of days to "jump in" myself, as Mary put it: "How does one welcome someone to a group none of us wanted to belong to". I have found nothing but great compassion and loving supportive advise here. I lost my wife of 14 years over 7 months ago (8 months tomorrow), and with all the local support of family and friends, I finally reached out for "talk to strangers" support. I feel your anger and cant count the number of times I have punched the roof of my truck in anger when I think of how unfair dying was to Celene, our daughter, and myself, along with the many others who's lives were touched by her. Prayers and understanding - Anthony

[missing him]

Jan - so sorry to hear about your loss. I know this isn't easy. I'm going on a little over a month losing the love of my life. You are doing better than I and I commend you for it. I have not accepted that my love is gone. I know he wouldn't want me to be so sad - he always wanted me to be happy. We were all we had - best friends, soulmates, etc. He knew me better than anyone and I will never find that again. He was my true love. I just wanted to say I'm proud of you. You are doing better than you think.

[Wifflesnook]

Well it doesn't feel like I am doing well to be honest. I really think I am still in denial and am so terrified of bouts of crying that I try to avoid them and from what I've been told that isn't really helpful. But over the last fifty years of marriage I have never been alone to cry. Pete has always been there to hug me nd nothing has ever been so bad that he hasn't been able to comfort me. Now there is a huge void where he should be and though I talk to him I don't feel him with me. If only I could do that instead of the bleak loneliness. My local history group has a meeting on Tuesday and o e of the members wants to take me, she says we can leave any time. She will come back in our house at the end so I don't have to be alone. I am the chair but am stepping down. I feel I should force myself but should I? It will be an ordeal. Should I put myself through an ordeal at this early stage? My gut feeling is I should not. JAn

[kayc]

Lizardo,

I'm sorry for your loss. There are a lot of people on this site, all in various stages of grief, and I think you'll find there usually someone around to listen and care. Your anger is understood and common, I think most of us have felt anger at some point. Anger management classes teach that the underlying emotion is hurt...and how can we not hurt when we've suffered such a loss!

[Wifflesnook]

I have come to the conclusion that having lost my companion of fifty years, the person who made me what I was, the person who completed me, that without him I am become a different person, at least in public, and I'm not sure how many people are going to recognise this. I know people are hoping I will go to meetings and resume my normal life and I feel such reluctance to do this. I think it's this strong feeling of being utterly changed that is making me feel I can't go. Have any of you felt this? It's the reason I only want to be with people who have also experienced such catastrophic loss. It seems very negative on my part but I feel I have to do what my heart tells me and avoid occasions that make me feel upset just anticipating them.

[kayc]

Absolutely. We are NOT the same people as we were "before". As a result, it's important that we eventually find our "new normal". In the beginning I didn't understand what that meant. I do now, but after 7 years I'm not sure if I've found it or not...I just know that my so called normal life is nothing like it was before. Normal now is being alone, always alone. It means having everything on my shoulders, having to do for myself, no one to care or know if I made it home safely. Not really much to look forward to. I have learned some coping strategies along the way and implementing them takes concerted choice and effort. Looking for the good in life is one of them. When so much of our life has been ripped apart sometimes the good isn't so obvious...we have to look for it. We have to make all the more effort to make our life what we want it to be, and that's not something we just jump in and accomplish, it takes a long time to get there.

As all people, we feel we fit best with those we can relate to, those who understand us. I would not write off those family members and friends that truly care about us, even if they don't "get it". They want to understand and they do care, and thank God they haven't experienced this, we wouldn't want them to. But it also makes sense that we will make some new friends that have been down this path and understand us. I have a friend that lost her husband three years after I lost mine. It means a lot to both of us that we can share and know the other understands.

[missing him]

Liz - so sorry to hear of your loss and everyone here understands what you are going through. I understand when you say you don't want to burden your sons, etc. I feel the same way. I know my family is here for me and are worried about me, but I do not want to give them added stress. We are here for you and I hope you enjoyed your trip.

Missing him

[lizardo]

Thank you Anthony, Kayc, and Missing-Him.

So many lovely people here, helping each other get through

this pain... I appreciate the support so much, and send

my heart and hugs out to you all!

Liz

[Wifflesnook]

I suddenly felt even worse than I did before. I hadn't realised this but I think subconsciously I have been thinking that this was a temporary stage in my life. I just realised for an awful moment that it was not. I don't know whether I can go back to the sort of denial stage or if this new realisation is permanent. It's awful. I've been out walking the dog, talking to people in a semi normal way, came back for a cup of tea and wham! Reality hit me and it's terrifying. And the weather has turned lovely and it makes the whole misery many times worse. Pete loves sunshine and in England we don't get enough. And this year has been particularly miserable but I don't mind as its clear that for me sunshine is worse (if anything can be worse). I feel totally and utterly lonely and nothing can help me but Pete and he can never come back.

[mfh]

Dear Jan, These moments (I call them being ambushed or my tsunami of grief) where reality hits hard are so very difficult. And I am with you. People would tell me that the sunshine would make me feel better but actually I felt better when it was rainy and more reflective of my feelings. The rain and gray felt like a blanket around me and still does. I do so much know that feeling of being totally and utterly alone and that nothing can help you...I have had that feeling many many times. I wish I had a magic wand for you but I do offer my understanding and my compassion. These are very tough days...I do not need to tell you that and basically no one can tell you exactly what to expect because it is so different for everyone. But you and I both know that the grief and sadness are and will be tough to handle. We are all here for you. You feel alone and I do get it...we are here for you to ease that feeling a bit.

Peace

Mary