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A Wack On The Head...grief Is Cruel


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Grief is an odd thing...you can think you are doing well and then it will sneak up behind you and whack you hard on the back of the head.

That happened to me yesterday (or today depending on if you count the end of the day based on the clock or when you go to bed.) I was driving down to my parents and I had a thought that I wished to share with Arthur...one of those random moments that you think someone else will find interesting...suddenly it hit me that I won't be able to tell him...it was like for a split second I forgot he was dead. I think I cried off and on (mostly on) for the next six hours.

Truly grief sucks. The thing that I hate the most is the permanence....the knowledge that he will always be gone...this is not something that will get better...simply something I will have to get used to. He has been dead for nine and a half weeks...what a horrible thing that is.

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I'm so sorry. You're right. I've often thought it's like standing in water waist-deep waiting for a wave to knock you down. I dread long drives for reasons like that. Even going to work, more than a few times I've cried just looking up at the clouds and wondering if she's "out there" somehow and my mind starts going......

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Oh how I can relate to this. It has happened to me several times when I have gone out to do something I used to do before Petes death and came back and must have subconsciously thought I was going to tell him about it and suddenly realised he wasn't there. Like you the tears just wouldn't stop. Frightened me and I knw it will happen again and has to. I feel for you so much.

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Dear Lina and widower,

I have heard grief referred to as a roller coaster ride, standing on a beach when a tsunami comes in, my labyrinth of grief and a few other things but never a whack on the back of the head. It is quite fitting. I am so sorry your drive was so miserable. I have had many miserable drives. I understand. The car and the shower are places where we tend to cry. I started carrying books on tape in my car and if nothing interesting is on public radio, I have a book to listen to. I have to drive to south of Chicago in a couple of weeks and that is close to a 6 hour drive and the book on tape distracts me if it is a good book.

I do know, for myself, that those whacks on the head hurt more and are harder to deal with at 9 weeks after our gigantic losses than they are now...2 years later. It does get easier and I was not a believer of that statement when it was 9 weeks for me. I send you wishes of peace.

Mary

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My husband has been gone 19 months now. We were together 24/7 as we worked together. He always did all the driving where ever we went. When I had to first drive by myself the tears would flow. Being in the car reminded me of him. It is getting better now. I don't cry as often as I did, but every once in awhile a wave hits me and the tears will flow again. I can see some progress in my grief.

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Lina,

You are so correct we do tend to not so much forget but accept our spouses are gone without realizing it...I have endured 2 1/2 years with several of the same feelings...this week is rough as we would have celebrated our anniversary Sunday the 17th and I have been feeling the waves of grief try and roll me over but I'm standing tough as Ruth would have wanted...as for the permanance, I tend to look at it as Ruth left on a journey ahead of me and I'll be there one day myself catching up with her and all the other people who have left ahead of me...keep moving forward it does get more acceptable as time passes but I don't think it will ever truely be gone, even as I have fallen in Love again with a wonderful woman we both still miss and grieve our beloved spouses but we both refuse to be in misery and we tend to focus on our new journey with positive energy not the negative energy grief palces upon us.

May you find some comfort in the days to come...

NATS

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I can so relate to what you're saying...you get caught off guard and then suddenly remember they're gone...I think that happens more in the first year and then the new patterns are formed (what I referred to in another thread as an ingrained habit) where you realize they're gone and you aren't taken by surprise over and over again as much as in that first year. Although my neighbor's wife has been gone for nearly nine years and he said he STILL turns to tell her something and then remembers...she's gone. I'm glad that doesn't happen to me anymore, it's hard, it's like a jolt, a slap in the face with reality all over again.

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It still happens to me sometimes...not nearly as often. I start to look for Bill to share something or driving home from somewhere I will think what I want to tell him...then it hits that he is not there. Then the tears. It is something I have gotten "used" to for lack of a better word but which from time to time still "whacks me over the head" as I read earlier.

Mary

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Lina, that is the perfect phrase "whacks you over the head". That is exactly what it feels like sometimes. Mike has been gone now for 2 years and 5 months.....and I still get "whacked" over the head. Maybe not as often as I did the first year, but when it happens, the pain is just as great. I hate those moments when I forget for a minute that he is gone, and want to ask him something, or tell him something, and suddenly it hits again "Whacks you over the head" that you cannot do that anymore.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

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You all are so right about being whacked on the back of the head! I liked what NATS said about wanting to think of them as being on a journey that we will meet up with them eventually! I still not quite 8 weeks out, forget as I am driving home from someplace and can't wait to tell him something or want his opinion on something, or just want to talk about stuff. Then it hits, Jim isn't here to tell, or talk to anymore. Waterworks and loneliness just don't stop at these times.

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