mfh Posted June 15, 2012 Report Share Posted June 15, 2012 As I am up against the deadline for the July issue of my publication, I am realizing more deeply what I have been anticipating for a while i.e. with the sale/termination of my publication, a choice I am making, I am seeing how much time it consumes. As many, many people express their regret about it disappearing into history (unless someone buys it by Sept. 1) I realize how much "Mary and the Voice" (Voice of the River Valley) are one and the same around here to many people...When I meet someone new and tell that person my name, they automatically say, "Oh, you are the Voice"....and I am asking myself how it will feel when this publication is gone and in its place a huge hole exisits. Voice is a piece of Bill and me and a piece of my identity. My publication was something that I worked on with Bill (he and I started it), worked on during his illness (not sure if that was wise but it is what it is and in many ways may have made things better or worse-I will never know), and worked on during these past two years since Bill's death. It has provided a focus; a vehicle towards meeting many, many people; and a distraction as it has taken many more hours each month. As I send the July issue to press this weekend, I will have 3 more issues to prepare...a relief for the most part as it bores me with it tedious set up, endless phone calls, etc. I feel a bit intimidated. At one level I know I am ready for what I call "the desert" (an expanse of time and space for ME) and at another I know it may be quite difficult for a while as I prowl around in the sand trying to figure out who I am and where I am going as I also grieve. Oh, well....onward! Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steven Posted June 15, 2012 Report Share Posted June 15, 2012 Hi Mary, Forgive me if I've missed something critical from a previous posting--I do not read or post often any longer. Have you considered trying out "Mary and the Voice" online? Maybe a short blog that touches on some of the things that you covered in your publication? Something that would wean you off rather than quitting cold turkey? Anyhoo, just an idea to consider...or not . ~ Steve Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted June 15, 2012 Author Report Share Posted June 15, 2012 Thanks so much, Steve. I do have an on line presence but frankly I am looking forward to wrapping it up. It is quite tedious and boring now. This is probably the first Time I have quit something except for one job...and letting go of it right now is tricky but I am ready for it to hopefully continue under someone else's leadership. I do appreciate your sharing your idea. Peace, Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lina Posted June 15, 2012 Report Share Posted June 15, 2012 I know this feels huge, but learning to define who you are outside of "the voice" is going to be very good for you. I can imagine that while it will be scary at times it will also be very liberating. *hugs* I have found that I tend to define myself by who I am to other people...I am my mother's daughter, my daughter's mother and I was Arthur's wife. I have started to realize that I need to learn how to define myself without those labels...who is Lina...not the daughter, mother or wife...but the woman. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dwaynecg Posted June 15, 2012 Report Share Posted June 15, 2012 Dear Mary, It is hard to move forwards, after something like the Voice has defined your life for a few years, when you took on the task from your loving Bills, who's mind thought of it in the first place. I was defiantly defined as Pauline's caregiver, for so many years, husband yes, but most people who interacted with us saw me a true loving caring man. A husband that would do anything for his wife, and did. Always put myself on the back burner for her well being. I have no regrets at all. It set me on a path, that after her passing, to get a true education in career that I love, and will have a feature in. May 17, 2012 was a very mixed emotional day. I got all my certificates, from my school, but it was also the day Pauline and I had met on a rainy day in Kansas, all those years ago. I had picked this day months before to spread Pauline's ashes where her final wishes wanted me to put them, so I did. How is it a person can have so much joy and happiness in accomplishment in life, then later, your heart rips from your chest. Now, I have been redefined, with a foot hold in the medical field, but Pauline's soul, spirit, and all our memories will always be with me forever, just like Bill's will be with you, in whatever direction you turn and travel next. God Bless, Dwayne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Queeniemary Posted June 15, 2012 Report Share Posted June 15, 2012 Mary, I do understand how you feel. While my identity was not quite as wrapped up in my work, as yours has been, especially since you and Bill shared it, it was still a little hard to make the decision to retire. They ask me to come back several times, at the end of a month, when the inventory adjustment had to be done, but other than those brief times I have not been back. It felt really weird those times that I did go back to help out. I do enjoy this retirement, but I don't just sit on my butt. I am still very involved in the arts council and the community theatre group. I have a small group of theatre friends that I spend time with very often, and my daughter and her family. I am blessed, and I love retirement!! Just wish Mike were here to enjoy with me... I feel very confident that you will explore and find that new path that you need. I think change is very necessary at times, for our wellbeing. Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted June 15, 2012 Author Report Share Posted June 15, 2012 Thank you Lina. I tend to have a lot of identities as do we all. Of course, beneath all of those roles...there I sit. I think the biggest piece of this is the time I will have. I have not had a lot of time in well over 6 years at least as I took care of Bill and then these last two of grieving. It will seems strange not to have something hanging over my head like a full time job, this publication...it will be interesting to see what I do with all that. A bit intimidating when I am so sad but...well..we shall see. Thanks so much, Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted June 15, 2012 Author Report Share Posted June 15, 2012 I agree, Dwayne...no regrets on how much of our lives were spent caring for the one we love so much. I would do it all over again in a heart beat and now with all I have learned...I could do it better...those lessons I hope to use to help others now. As for the joy and happiness and the having your heart ripped from your chest...I can relate to that as it happens often. You have done a great job, Dwayne...you set a goal and after all the sickness you struggled with, you still accomplished it and created your niche. And yet, our beloveds spirit travels with us...forever. Peace, Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted June 15, 2012 Author Report Share Posted June 15, 2012 Hi Mary, The other Mary, here I am so glad you are enjoying your retirement. It was a big step for you..and it worked. That is so good. No, I will never just sit on my butt either. I never really plan to retire...never have but exactly what I will do is unclear. I do plan to take a year or so but will be taking a few online classes when the spirit moves me, purging things in this house that are no longer needed (not sure how much of Bill's things that includes as i plan to start with other things), taking Bentley to hospitals (if he makes the grade...or rather if I make the grade..consistency being the challenge) etc. I have one primary goal and that is to heal this body...regain some energy and not push myself, something new for me. I have already told folks that I will sit on no boards (people always ask about that...not just me but anyone...there is always a board screaming for members) and I am not a board person...I do know that I too wish Bill were here on this path with me...of course, who knows where we would be by now...we had talked about switching homes for a year with someone in London...we had lots of plans and dreams and ideas and wanted so to spend our aging years helping others. But here we are, you, me and so many others forging new paths eventually. Thanks for posting. I always enjoy your posts. Peace, Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wifflesnook Posted June 15, 2012 Report Share Posted June 15, 2012 I too can relate to this. Before Pete had the stroke in November I was the parish clerk of our villages, the chair of a local history group and had other interests too but my life really revolved around my Pete and we spent loads of our time in the countryside, in our garden, and working in our field. Pete had the stroke and as soon as I could I resigned my job as parish clerk (only nominally eight hours a week but often more), asked the vice chair if the local history group to take over, and concentrated upon visiting Pete in hospital for five months. As he was so disabled there was no chance of his coming out but eventually they decided he needed to go into s nursing home. I insisted on him coming home and had him at home for five weeks. Then he died. Now I have no shape to my day. I do limited housework, walk the dog (thank goodness) and tidy the garden a bit. But basically I am floundering and I don't know how to fill my time which is such an unusual situation for me but presumably will continue for a long time. I don't want any new hobbies etc because I can't talk about them to Pete. I don't want to do anything. I think I just have to exist for a time but it's a hard place I am in. I miss my life partner and I will never be a whole person again.i know eventually I have to move forward but I also know that I can't do it yet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ANC1117 Posted June 16, 2012 Report Share Posted June 16, 2012 Mary, I share many of the same uncertaintieses as you. During a short career break after school I was asked to return back to the family business. While working for/with my family I met Celene. Before too long we married and a new life began. My career no longer was my focus of happinessss, instead it was my new life with Celene and Ciara. Now that Celene is gone and Ciara is grown, I question what path I will take to bring happiness back into my life. I find that my career in the family business is not as fulfilling as it was when I knew it provided income for what really brought me happiness; my family. I know at the current time that I continue with the family business so others can survive. It is so hard to make any kind of change when all I wish for now is to share happiness with the woman who is no longer alive. I am certain that I will continue to keep Celene's dream of animal rights and protection alive, whetherer through a foundation or contributions. Only time will tell what direction "I" will now go.. Prayers - Anthony Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted June 16, 2012 Author Report Share Posted June 16, 2012 Dear Anthony, I do so understand what you are saying. It is difficult to get invested in life again. Bill and I worked together and that alone made the days good. I think in time you and I and others will figure it out. The fact that we are asking the questions and looking to see that there is indeed a road to travel is the first step. But not knowing after never thinking about knowing or at the least figuring it out with our partners is a whole different story. I agree... time will tell for both of us. Peace, Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted June 16, 2012 Author Report Share Posted June 16, 2012 Hi Jan, Yes, we have so many roles and so many hats to wear and suddenly the roles and hats are gone and we have no clue which old role or new role we want in our lives. For me, it is taking time first to grieve and heal some and as I was doing that I started sort of automatically wondering about the next step. Eventually we will all figure that out. I am so glad you got Pete home to die. I know that was good for both of you. And eventually our lives will have a shape again...not like the old shape for sure. For me it is a matter of passion. When Bill died I did not think I would ever feel passion about anything...slowly I am seeing some areas of passion and will eventually invest myself in one of them. In the meantime I flounder, do each day as best I can and heal very gradually. You are very new to this path and exhausted and confused...we are here for you. I know you are with your daughter and grandchildren this weekend...let them all love you. No we will not ever be the same person again and you will move forward in your own time...no rules...one day at a time. Hope your dog is better. I woke up with the flu today so I know where I will be all weekend. Peace, Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Queeniemary Posted June 16, 2012 Report Share Posted June 16, 2012 Mary, wanted to tell you I am going to see The Exotic Marigold Hotel this afternoon. I believe you were the one mentioning it. I have watched the trailer, and am very excited about seeing it. My young friend Jamie and I are driving to Springfield Missouri this afternoon, that is the closest place it is showing, about an hour and 15 minutes away. Going to be a great day for a drive however,.... Tomorrow,I have my two granddaughters that live here in Harrison coming to spend most of next week with me. Now that the worst of the painting, floor installation, and installation of interior doors is done, they cannot wait to come and spend some of their summer time here. (they know they get away with more with me...lol) Looking forward to their visit. So sorry you have the flu, other Mary, hope you are feeling better very soon. Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted June 16, 2012 Author Report Share Posted June 16, 2012 You will enjoy the movie. I plan to see it again as I was not in a very good space when I saw it. It is really good. I think it was myself and Marty who mentioned it. Enjoy your weekend and next week. I suspect I won't be doing much for a few days...as this bug is pretty nasty. I am only on line today because I have to get my publication to the editor in the next hour...then I plan to put my feet for the rest of the weekend. I am pushing myself pretty hard right now to get this done. Oh, well :0 Peace, Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wifflesnook Posted June 16, 2012 Report Share Posted June 16, 2012 Oh poor Mary. So sorry you aren't well and hope you will soon be better. Kelbi our dog is in kennels for the weekend and has the runs but as I haven't heard any more I assume her tummy has settled down. Just bought a day bed from ikea for the new bedroom I am fitting out or our little Ellie who at two needs to go into a proper bed. It will be her own special room at Grandma's house. Tomorrow will be a hard day as its Father's Day in England (is it in USA?) I know we don't celebrate the same day from Mother's day. Our son and daughter will be very sad and as our daughter is a single mother Pete was also sent a Grandfather card too. Huge huge gap! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wifflesnook Posted June 16, 2012 Report Share Posted June 16, 2012 Sorry of course you do have the same day. I haven't been reading properly. I feel for everyone who is like me sad about a loss of someone who is a fathe. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted June 16, 2012 Author Report Share Posted June 16, 2012 Yes, it is Father's Day here tomorrow also. A difficult day for many including your daughter and your son and you also. All holidays tend to be difficult even ones we never celebrated...the world is celebrating. I am glad you are with your daughter. so ikea is in England also....that will be nice that she will have a proper bed at your home. I hope your weekend is warm and loving. Peace, Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Queeniemary Posted June 17, 2012 Report Share Posted June 17, 2012 Mary, loved the movie, can't wait until it comes out on DVD! Some of my favorite actors in it. Glad you and Marty mentioned it. My young friend Jamie loved it also, he is 34 (his mother and I graduated from HS together), and I think he enjoyed it as much as I did. Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted June 17, 2012 Report Share Posted June 17, 2012 Jan, I'm glad you got the day bed so little Ellie will have it when she comes to visit grandma! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted June 18, 2012 Author Report Share Posted June 18, 2012 So glad you liked the movie. That is a long trip if you did not. Outsourcing senior care....what is next? Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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