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Tearful Today


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Having a tearful day as I anticipate Bill's and my wedding anniversary tomorrow. My head is like a theater showing a non-stop film of our life together....including the final days, his funeral, walks on beaches everywhere, loving, laughing, making up, traveling, working together at our clinics, cooking together, and so much more...I realized again last night how much I miss being held especially when I am crying. Last year, on this day, I drove to the site of our first honeymoon and just sat there looking over the countryside and pondering that joy-filled, fun-filled week. Tomorrow, not sure. It is not a day that I feel like sharing with anyone but Bill. Seems private. I am thankful my dog trainer friend is coming at 5pm today. She wants us to take Bentley to Local Night...about 200+ people in our fairly small town park, local band (way too loud usually), locally produced food (grilled brats or fish), local beer (I rarely drink) and lots of locals (tourists, too, as the art fair starts Saturday-also filled with memories as we went every year for years) kids and dogs...Meeting some friends there. This goes on every Thursday in the summer and Kathy (trainer) thinks it will be good for Bentley. Me, not so sure! (She said she just took 14 dogs to a fly ball tournament...taking Bentley to Local Night is easy). But I am glad to get out of this house after 5 days of being sick (does not help with the tears) so I will push myself and go and it will be OK. I feel like wandering tomorrow so may take Bentley and just go for a long drive, perhaps to the Mississippi River where Bill and I used to go, sit on a bluff...or cemetery or....well....not sure. It just feels sadder this year for some reason...seems so long ago that we were laughing and loving and sharing life together.

The tears are flowing as from a faucet today, just falling...the distraction tonight will be good. Such happy memories, such love we shared, so blessed were we to have what so many want. Even the bumps in our road seem OK. How I wonder about the afterlife....about him there...about me here and about the road ahead. This is the third anniversary without him...I have no recall of the first one (3 months after he died). Thinking about sharing anniversary cards every single month on the 22nd...one of us waking the other to be first at midnight to say happy anniversary. So silly. So lovely. Maybe I will read some of them...there are close to 600 not counting all the in between cards. Thanks for listening.

Peace to all of us,

Mary

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Wow, that is a lot of cards! George and I used to write to each other every day but I got rid of the letters because they weren't for anyone to read but us, besides, they're in my heart and I remember what they said. I had two 5" thick notebooks full of just his to me! But I have the cards and I have the post it notes he'd hide in closets and cupboards...little love notes. :)

My thoughts will be on you tomorrow, I hope your day goes well in spite of it all...

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Know how feel you feel and the feelings and tears are ok. Jim and I would have celebrated our 33rd anniversary on July 1st. I also want to be alone and part of me is afraid to be alone. I am planning to go to the cementary that morning to give him an anniversary card and then spent the day with my kids and granddaughter at a street fair that Jim and I and my children have gone to for the past 5 years. I went to a medium today (something I never believed in) and had a very positive experience. So much of what she said was true and made me feel so much lighter. I will be thinking of you and your husband tommorrow.

Sheryl

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Wow, that is a lot of cards! George and I used to write to each other every day but I got rid of the letters because they weren't for anyone to read but us, besides, they're in my heart and I remember what they said. I had two 5" thick notebooks full of just his to me! But I have the cards and I have the post it notes he'd hide in closets and cupboards...little love notes. :)

My thoughts will be on you tomorrow, I hope your day goes well in spite of it all...

Thank you, Kay. I am glad you have some of those neat mementos also. Mine mean the world to me...poems galore, cards, pictures, etc. I feel better right now as I ran some errands, stopped at my friend's tea house for iced tea. Dog training friend arrives in 45 minutes....distractions help. Thank you, Mary

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Know how feel you feel and the feelings and tears are ok. Jim and I would have celebrated our 33rd anniversary on July 1st. I also want to be alone and part of me is afraid to be alone. I am planning to go to the cementary that morning to give him an anniversary card and then spent the day with my kids and granddaughter at a street fair that Jim and I and my children have gone to for the past 5 years. I went to a medium today (something I never believed in) and had a very positive experience. So much of what she said was true and made me feel so much lighter. I will be thinking of you and your husband tommorrow.

Sheryl

Yes, Sheryl, the anniversaries are difficult...maybe more so than his birthday because they lead me to relive our relationship and wedding. I do not mind the tears. I have come to embrace them. Glad you have kids and granddaughter to be with...that is good. I have been to one medium and it was a very positive experience also. Sort of shocking to hear what he said and knew. Thank you for your post. Mary

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What a wonderful custom to celebrate every month. What a bond you two had/have. Those of us fortunate enough to have been loved so deeply have to believe that love is still with us, Mary.

Yes, we usually went out to eat also (Bill's favorite sort of entertainment except for the symphony and well hikes and well, I guess a lot of things :) We did have a bond. We were meant to be...that I know for sure. I do believe his love for me exists...and is with me somehow. Thank you, Jan. I know it is 7 weeks tomorrow for you and I will also be thinking of you as you rise to face another day on this path. Peace, Mary

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Thank you, Marty. I am doing ok tonight. I think I have pulled out of that sinkhole. My dog trainer friend and I met another friend for Local Night and Bentley got an A+. He sat under our table most of the time taking in the music and letting kids pet him without his pulling or whining for more. I am so encouraged. He behaved like a little trooper. It means so much to me to think that the plan Bill and I had for him 9 years ago, when we were awaiting his arrival, will become reality by fall. I had some bad moments today and the tears sit just behind my eyes tonight thinking about Bill and me planning our day tomorrow. We were not into fancy...hiking, biking, road trip with a burger suited us fine. Thank you for the reminder that loving arms are around me. Not really sure why this one is so hard but I have learned not to analyze it too much...it is what it is...difficult. Peace, Mary

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Dear missing him

Thank you for your thoughts and kind words. These days are difficult...tonight I am doing better..teary but much better. Those moments get me and drag me under but I am OK...thank you, Mary

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Mary,

I am so sorry you are having a hard day. Animals are so loving and I am so glad you have a dog to help you through your sadness. Hugs to you my sweet new friend. I hope tomorrow is a better day for you and that you can feel all our hugs and positive thoughts coming through the posts. Peace to you.

DeAnne

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Thank you all for your kind wishes. I am doing ok today so far. I got hung up on line this morning for 3 hours (a frequent happening for me) researching dog foods for Bentley. My dog trainer friend (who I had dinner with last night at Local Night) makes her own dog food (many around here do) and after watching some videos by learned folks and studying some sites she shared, I am now investigating that. I learned that dry dog food, even the highest rated, which is what Bentley has been eating (locally produced).. is almost the last choice we should make. So, my latest endeavor is to figure this out for Bentley and the dogs in my future...for there will always be a dog in my life.

I am now ready to take my long drive. I learned at dinner last night that my fairly new friend (Bentley's dog trainer) also was married on this date and is planning to go to the cemetery to visit his grave today (something I will be doing also) Small world. She invited me up to her cabin on Devil's Lake (a favorite hang out of Bill's and mine) where she will spend some time today. Not sure I will go but one never knows what another's story is about. I met her just after Bill died when Bentley began to test me and express HIS grief by eating things he had never touched before including a BIC razor ($2,000 treatment, procedures, meds, and surgery). I took Bentley back to obedience classes and this gal was the owner of the school and his instructor (really my instructor).

People just keep popping into my life. Wonderful folks like all of you. One thing I KNOW I will do today is read Bill's poems and cards tonight. That has become a birthday, anniversary of death, and wedding anniversary ritual. It is tearful but so comforting to remember all the wonderful poems he wrote to me and other poems about nature, life, spirit as well and to read messages he wrote expressing his love. As I roamed around the internet this morning, I came across here and there, some quotes that touched me. I attached them for all of you. Special words.pdf

Peace,

Mary

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The day is over. I spent a lot of time going through photos last evening. Woke up this morning with my flu/bug/cold whatever it is starting over again...feeling crappy all over again. Frustrating. Since Bill died, I get sick repeatedly. Hence my upcoming year off...this weekend instead of going to the art fair...I am going to lay low, maybe paint. Thanks for all your posts of support around this year's wedding anniversary. Not sure why it was harder than last but maybe being sick did not help. Will respond to posts later.

Peace to all, Mary

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Thank you so much. I have slept on and off all day....and will tomorrow. I know you are in great pain and I am thinking of you. Thank you for reaching out of your pain to mine. Mary

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I live in Yorkshire on the coast in a village of only 30 houses, no shop and one pub. We moved here eleven years ago and have been very very happy here. Hen Pete had a stroke on November 7th, was in hospital five months, paralysed, came home and was cared for by me, went into respite care while I went to look after our daughter who. Was having a baby, and died.

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Mary, I hope you start feeling better and pray you are able to sleep it off. You made it through the day, it's never easy, is it. Did I miss something...how come Bentley can't have dog food? Huskies have sensitive systems too and I make a concoction of potatoes, rice, chicken breast, yogurt and cottage cheese. He loves it and sometimes I think he eats better than I do! He also gets vegetables, loves baby carrots for a treat!

Jan, I'm sure it was really hard for you being away when he passed...George chose the once a year I'm gone with my sisters to have his heart attack and land in the hospital. I did make it back to the hospital before he died but didn't get alone time with him and they made me leave when he started having his fatal heart attack. It seems it would have been better if we could have been with them through it, but maybe it helped them focus on where they were going instead of worrying about us. At least I hope so.

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