Supporting A Grieving Girlfriend

[teacherJoe22]

My girlfriend's brother committed suicide almost four and a half years ago now, and there are times when the grieving process nearly tears us apart. We are currently still together, but there are periodic occasions where some relatively small thing to me completely sets her off and she constantly addresses the fact that I just don't understand her and could never understand what she deals with. Sometimes I feel ashamed that I have had such a comparatively easy life.

I totally understand that I cannot begin to know what she is going through without actually experiencing it myself, but I wish I knew some way to support her without pointing out just how little I do know about it all. I wish I had had the opportunity to meet her brother before it all happened, because maybe then I could be more comfortable in talking about it and know how to add to the conversation without risking sounding insensitive. I know that her mother has had a very rough time in these last four years, and often her various emotions are directed at her daughter, which just adds to everything else. It's been hard getting close in our relationship to my family and friends, because the things they do or say or worry about seem so distant to the feelings of grief and hardship that my girlfriend still experiences each day.

I love my girlfriend very much and I am quite sure that any near-breakup we have had is an emotional response to her grief and not actually an expression that she is unhappy with our year-and-a-half-long relationship. If anyone has any suggestions about what I can do as a supporting boyfriend to ease this process, I would be very grateful.

[kayc]

I'm glad you came here, it shows you care.

Hold her and listen to her. Ask her if she wants to talk about it. That's about the best you can do.

There are all kinds of things in life that we don't all experience but we can do our best to empathize...my brother in law lost his leg a year ago. I used to work at an orthotic/prosthetic facility, so I've been around a lot of amputees...but I haven't personally lost any of my limbs so I can't say as I know exactly how it feels. I have imagined how it might feel, I know of some of the things one goes through, but I haven't experienced it myself. I know he doesn't wish it on me just so I can understand, yet I have been able to learn all I could to know at least some things more than the the average layman.

That is something you can do...you can read about grieving...how it affects people, what they go through. It's not the same but it helps.

[MartyT]

My friend, I agree with Kay completely. Be present for your girlfriend, listen to whatever she is willing to share with you, and follow her lead. In addition, read! There is an abundance of material written specifically for survivors of suicide, and reading such material would give you a better understanding and deeper appreciation of what your girlfriend may be thinking and feeling in the wake of this tragic and traumatic loss.

I've assembled dozens of links to articles, books and websites on this topic on the Suicide Loss page of my website, and I think it would be a great place for you to begin learning more about this difficult type of grief.

[DeAnneD]

While I am not an expert, I would tell you these ladies know what they are talking about. In addition, I would like to give you kudos for loving enough to find this group and find help and advice. Thank you for being a supportive man.

[widower]

she constantly addresses the fact that I just don't understand her and could never understand what she deals with .

This part stuck out to me. She's right in that you can never fully understand what she's going through, but you can at least have some idea, and frankly I think she needs to be sensitive to the fact that you can't and allow for that....given how you're clearly willing to be there for her however you can and are still with her despite her not exactly being at her best and so forth, I would just hope she's taking that into account. Seems to me you are proving your true mettle and obviously not just some jerkface who cares about himself and what he can get out of the relationship. There have been many women married to guys who gave less. Hard to say exactly what's what based on a few posts of course, I just hope she's keeping that in mind and not just using this to "dump" on you all the time.