Adult Orphan - Losing Hope

[WantMyHEA]

Today, I am sad. This past weekend, I was happy. I spent it at the beach with my bestie as I needed some cheering up in general. Why? I'm unemployed and going through a case with my former employer where I was harrassed. That's depressing enough. That whole experience of working in a hostile work environment. Then now there's legal stuff that I am afraid to face. Reporting them was the only way to get them to let up on the hostility. Unfortunately, it eventually made it worse. I ended up leaving the environment. I've got 2 degrees, a bachelor's and masters but they treated me like I was nothing more than an uneducated receiptionist, indirectly demoted me after I complained and continued with more hostility. It's a lot.

Then my boyfriend was cheating and started to be mean. And backstabbing friends...as I get older I find most 30-somethings just want to know what you do and how you can increase their popularity. Or at least in my city. I have my 2-3 sincere friends and family members. I feel this is good enough.

On top of that, I'm an adult orphan. Lost my last parent my final semester of college. My 1st at 15. While I've thrived a lot despite this setback in my life and career. I get the feeling that the above, plus being in my 30s and feeling that clock ticking has become all too much. I mean, I was able to deal with the my parents until this work situation....it just seems I've lost all hope for humanity and the goodness of people. Like everyone is just pretending. None the less, I know that's not logically true but when i get depressed i just wonder if i can tolerate encountering human beings like that again after giving so much of my time and effort day in and day out, week in and week out and all for what? Nothing?

I'm seeing a doctor - therapist, psychiatrist and they have me on medical foods, as I refused to take pharmaeceutical meds like celexa or prozac. The medical foods are working out well - especially for the joint pain and anxiety associated with the depression/anxiety. But the depression, feeling sad, feeling anxious/keyed up, passive suicidal (as in why can't an armed robber just come and end it all for me) - today it's overwhelming me. I have to update what has happened since my last report on the case and turn it into my attorney this week. They know what they did and so do I but people lie and I'm sure they will lie to weasel out of it. And it's just little ole me against them and their deceit. I don't feel like facing this but I can't run from it. I wish I just had a job that was a good healthy environment or that I never took that job in the 1st place. But I can't go back in time.

On most days, I have great faith that God will prevail in my favor. And that the truth will come to light. But today, on some days, I'm just terrified. And that fear triggers everything else. Like: Will I ever get a job? Will I be happy with my new job? Can I please get a new job that is not mind-numbing? Can I please have a great boss/mentor? Will I lose weight? Will this facial hair ever go away/ How and when am I going to stop complaining about my weight and do something consistent about it? I'm so tired of being sad when I'm not with a loved one. When it's just me. I wish I had a family. Or the career I love.

I know I'm not alone in this thinking. And I am also aware that things could be worse. I mean, I'm not homeless or starving, despite the fact that I live on my own and have been for about 26 years. You think I'd be used to being alone by now. But I'm not. I want some support. I want a family. People who will call me consistently because they love me and care. Not because they want to make sure I don't kill myself. Or because they want to brag. Or because they think being sad is just all in my head since they get sad too. I try to explain that being an adult orphan is different. I have only one friend who gets it. She has 2 kids and lost her husband - her best friend. And she said when she did, even though her mom is a crack addict, and her relationship with her dad isn't great, for the 1st time, she glimpsed what it must be like to feel what I'm feeling. And out of nowhere she said she was so sorry I have to go through that. She gets that having her loss but having her kids, makes the situation so different. Now others might say this in a "oh, gee I'm so lucky" kinda way but I knew she was being for real and she really understood what I have to deal with.

Somedays, I'm okay with being the lone bohemian, but on days like today when I have to face something so hard as to recount what those people did to me at my former job, not knowing if the court will rule for or against me. Not knowing if the truth will prevail or if God/Universe will come to my aid, not knowing if I will get a job despite my many many applications. I just get terried and want to give up. What is the point of not ending it now? Nothing has gotten consistently better. I strive and strive and climb and climb and just when I think I'm at the top and on stable ground, I get the rug pulled out from underneath me. With my mom's sudden death, then my dad, then my ex-husband the kind deacon who became abusive, then my job, now my ex-boyfriend cheating the entire time (We were friends for 20 years before I agreed to date him...we then lived together and were trying to have a baby) and he cheats and starts acting like I mean nothing to him when I find out. And now this case with my former job is looming. Most times I'm confident but today, I don't feel like recounting and being the victim and bringing back all the anxiety. I want my mommy. But she's not here. No one really is just for me. Everyone has their own life to deal with. I'm tired. I want some help. I want to be able to lean on someone. I can't do this by myself. All the time just me. I know how people like me end up in the movies. We never make it. I used to not think of myself that way but now I sometimes feel I can see it. So I ask, what is the point?

I know I posted before I was going to grief counseling. But I'm afraid if I go, it will just make me look worse. So I never called. The social stigma of being called crazy when I never needed it before until this stupid former job upset me. It makes me so angry. I'm just tired.

[pastmidnite]

Sometimes life is so very hard to deal with and grief over many loses can make that harder. There are still times that I really need to tell my grandpa something and it just makes my heart heavy.

Try not to judge yourself by what you think others are going to judge you with! I have found counseling so very helpful to me when I was dealing with multiple difficulties and although there is that stigma of being "crazy" overall I was able to recognize that this is a tool that many people find very useful in dealing with the difficulties life throws at us.

That situation with your jobs sounds HORRENDOUS! Good for you for standing up for yourself as hard as it is. Try to set it aside and not dwell on it except for when you are preparing or have to.

Know that this board is full of helpful people! Hang in there.

[MartyT]

You said,

I know I posted before I was going to grief counseling. But I'm afraid if I go, it will just make me look worse. So I never called. The social stigma of being called crazy when I never needed it before until this stupid former job upset me. It makes me so angry. I'm just tired.

I'm not sure what you mean when you say that going to grief counseling "will just make me look worse." Look worse to whom? And what "social stigma of being called crazy"? Certainly you'd never hear that from a grief counselor! Is it your coworkers you're worried about? Do they even need to know of your decision to seek grief counseling? Or is it yourself you're concerned about? Sometimes we are our own worst critics. I urge you to go back and read the insightful message you posted to Bec123 on June 15, and listen to your own voice:

Go for the grief counseling, for as long as you need to. Don't make my mistake of trying to pretend like everything is fine. It's not fine and it is fine and it will be fine but your life is your life and you have to cater to it accordingly and not like everyone elses. 14-23 years later, One situation happened to me and it was my tipping point, Now, I'm burnt out and learning this the hard way but I know I can make it. Hope this has helped you in some way. Stay strong, be vulnerable to the right people and keep your mental, spiritual and really physical health in great condition.

[teresajean]

Wow, you really have alot going on in your life. I think you are being much too hard on yourself. It sounds like you have done well dealing with all the different stressful situations in your life, but now with this incredibly difficult work situation, you need to have someone to talk to. I have been in grief counseling since February, 2012, and I don't think it makes me look crazy, in fact I think I would be acting and feeling much more like a crazy person if I didn't have someone to talk to about all the difficult emotions I have been going through. A Grief Counselor, who is a very kind and smart lady, has been comming to my house every couple of weeks, since my Beautiful, Best Friend, Mom passed away on February 9, 2012. The counselor and I just talk, and she offers sugesstions, it really has helped. I hope you can just give counseling a try, you don't have to tell anyone about counseling, if you don't want to. And if you do want to share anything you could just say a friend you have been talking to suggested this or that. Well I hope this reply has helped you in some way, Lots of Love & Prayers to you.

[blujonny]

It seems like this is a real emotional battle for you. It must be tiring to have to try to keep running away from that which bothers you and even facing it sometimes.

[WantMyHEA]

It seems like this is a real emotional battle for you. It must be tiring to have to try to keep running away from that which bothers you and even facing it sometimes.

Hi blujonny - I noticed you just joined the forum late June....so welcome.

I must say, I'm not exactly sure about what you mean by your comment. At which point in any of what I said would you deem as me 'running away' vs. having to 'face it'? Where did you pull that from?

Let me just add, sometimes the world is a cruel place. Like my former employer, illegally accessing my computer or monitoring me online...today is a good day in general but a bad day when I have that on my mind. Not sure how the court would deal with something like that but it will be dealt with, because that's illegal. So in as much as losing one's parents is hard, nothing is harder than dealing with evil people. It has made me highly paranoid. For example, when I saw your comment and noted you just joined and your name has Jon in it, like my former employer's 1st name Jon, I began to think "have they been monitoring my home computer and phone to figure out what I'm doing?" And can the Hospice Valley administrators check on that? Imagine if that were the case...how cruel would that be? Joining a forum, where people are trying to heal, just so you can spy. I heard they did that to a former coworker and she had to changed her number and gave them back the laptop they gifted her after she left and she threatened to call the police if they ever gave her new info to the Jon person. Yup, pure evil. That's why I had to leave.

But I could be reading too much into it (benefit of the doubt) - so it would make it all easier for me if you wouldn't mind explaining how you deemed what I wrote as 'running away' vs. having to 'face it'? Where did you pull that from?

[WantMyHEA]

Thank you Marty for the encouraging words. I will pursue grief counseling at some point. I'm sure it is extremely helpful. But like I noted, anytime I get news from my former employer or have to recall all of what they did (and are possibly still doing if they are monitoring my home computer), then it doesn't make me feel safe in the world but how can one protect themselves from a deceitful person. So when I had to deal with recounting it all, it took me back to that place, like PTSD. I hate it. But this happened for a reason and I am a Christian and I believe all things work together for the good of those who love the Lord...so, I will have to wait and see how all this unfolds. But that was a bad day for me with having to deal with that. I have faith that as long as I do my part, no matter how deceitful they may try to be, the truth will prevail.

But yes to grief counseling. The "they" I'm referring to is my former employer who would like nothing more that to say, "see we didn't do anything to her, she is just grieving her parents and is depressed because of that" ere go..."see your honor, she's crazy...cause now she's in grief counseling too". Now, I know that may not be logical but it doesn't stop my mind from going into a tailspin. Bad things happen, it doesn't mean we stop living. After my parents passed, I learned how to keep living. It is only because of how I feel at this moment that I feel triggered to address it. Whichever way, addressing it is to my benefit, so I don't really care what others think friend wise because most all my friends and acquiatances would understand, it's just my former employer.

[WantMyHEA]

Try not to judge yourself by what you think others are going to judge you with! I have found counseling .....is a tool that many people find very useful in dealing with the difficulties life throws at us.

Know that this board is full of helpful people! Hang in there.

Thank you pastmidnite.

[WantMyHEA]

So interesting I never got a response from blujonny. If you are truly hear to grieve and not just to spy, I wish you all the best.