Guest babylady Posted June 27, 2012 Report Share Posted June 27, 2012 today was a bad day. 18 weeks ago today john came home from work and had a seizure. the rest is history. on april 10th he left the house for the last time. that's the day i got the diagnosis that his tumor had grown and he would only live a few weeks. he lived almost 8 weeks. i was not happy even before john got sick. for years i've been dealing with CFS/ME, IBS, scoliosis, herniated discs, osteo arthritis, but i had john who kept telling me i would get better and comforting me. i never did. don't know how i managed to get through the last 4 months. i think the stress and grief is making me even sicker. there's still a lot to be done -- insurance payments will be coming in -- need to make a new will. have to get john's 2 car titles transferred to my name so they can be sold. i can't seem to focus on any kind of future. are things going to get better? if i could regain some of my health -- maybe. i don't like leaving the house. today i had my nails done and did a little food shopping -- mostly for my cat. i couldn't wait to get home and lie down. i feel safe at home. as soon as i left the grocery store i broke down. i didn't like being away from the house even when john was not sick. i guess i've developed a bit of agoraphobia. no friends here -- no family. just howie who will be back from canada tomorrow. i can't keep depending on him. his a massage therapist, realtor and has a wife. i can't stop crying. people say it will get better and maybe it will if i could just recover a bit from these damn health problems. i used to be strong, social and outgoing. having a hard time eating. i feel nauseous and forced down some boost, vitamins and 1/2 hamburger. food is not appealing. lost 8 lbs. sorry for the rant. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wifflesnook Posted June 27, 2012 Report Share Posted June 27, 2012 Dear Babylady I can relate to so much of that. Fortunately for me I don't have health issues though I am 70. But I too used to be quite social and now I just want to burrow into our home and am frightened to go into gatherings of people. I can talk one to one to people (though break down easily when they are sympathetic) but do feel quite nervous about anything else. And shopping g without my Pete is so hard. He was always with me to carry the bags, talk about what we needed, make meals with me, make home made bread and cakes (he has a special cupboard full of equipment). Today I have to go and get my hhair cut (especially hard because the last time I had it done was the day he died in the nursing home when he was there just for two weeks whilst I looked after our daughter). I know I have to do this but when I used to come home after having my hair done he was there to say whether he liked it or not and make a joke. I am not helping you here am I? All I can say is I know how you feel and I know all we can do is carry on as there is no alternative. I am trying so hard to be grateful for having had my wonderful husband for fifty years. He chose me and made me so happy. And he knew that and he knew how much I loved him. We were truly soul mates and I have to believe that he is still alongside me somehow. I long for just some tiny indication of that but so far it hasn't come. And also I know that I am still in denial of his loss and all I can do is exist as well as I can. I am so sorry that you are in such a hard place. We can only think Others have felt like this, and reach out to each other in sympathy. Jan Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted June 27, 2012 Report Share Posted June 27, 2012 Baby, You might not have to transfer the titles for them to be sold...check with your DMV, I'm sure it varies from state to state, but here in Oregon sometimes there's a way to bypass that and save yourself transfer fees. You would have to have an original copy of the death cert. to give with them though. I think stress definitely affects our bodies and you have way too much right now. I hope things start getting better for you, soon! Jan, How did your hair turn out? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest babylady Posted June 27, 2012 Report Share Posted June 27, 2012 checked with the DMV. have to transfer the titles. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted June 27, 2012 Report Share Posted June 27, 2012 I'm sorry, I guess there IS one good thing about the Oregon DMV! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest babylady Posted June 28, 2012 Report Share Posted June 28, 2012 i've heard many good things about oregon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest babylady Posted June 28, 2012 Report Share Posted June 28, 2012 jan -- only cut my hair about every 7 or 8 months. i wear it long and straight with bangs -- like back in the late 60s -- early70s. i'm an old hippie. john loved my hair and the way i dressed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wifflesnook Posted June 28, 2012 Report Share Posted June 28, 2012 Ha! My hair looks ok. Better than it did. I wear it very short now and it needs regular cutting. Pete always used to find it weird that I don't have any grey hairs except just above my ears. His hair is lovely. Silvery white and very abundant. When he had chemotherapy four years ago after lymphoma he lost his hair and was most upset but it came back just as lovely. How I miss him. I have a comb he used and every morning I sniff it and can smell him. I hope the smell lasts but fear it won't. :-( Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest babylady Posted June 28, 2012 Report Share Posted June 28, 2012 john used to tease me about my hair -- no grey -- except right down the middle of my head-- the rest stayed dark. he turned grey and then white at a young age. a few years ago someone thought he was my father. he was 6 years younger than me. he laughed. he used to say there was a picture somewhere in the house that was aging because i was not. i sleep with one of his shirts over my pillow case. we had separate bedrooms for years -- he had sleep apnea and slept with a c-pap mask. at least once a day i lie down on his bed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LarrysGirl Posted June 28, 2012 Report Share Posted June 28, 2012 Please give yourself credit for accomplishing Anything!! Even groceries could send me into despair, we always went together, holding hands, talking about what we wanted to fix, now I wince when I go past something he would have loved to buy. It will never be the same. Grief is very stressful so thats why I keep saying take care of yourself, then maybe some of your health issues will improve. I've learned the hard way. Deborah Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted June 28, 2012 Report Share Posted June 28, 2012 he used to say there was a picture somewhere in the house that was aging because i was not. Ahh, something like Dorian Gray? I was very upset when George's smell disappeared from his clothing, bedding, etc, but really I shouldn't have despaired, I still remember his smell vividly so all I have to do is close my eyes and remember... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest babylady Posted June 28, 2012 Report Share Posted June 28, 2012 yep. dorian gray. so big deal -- i'm almost 71 and i look good but i have health problems and i miss my husband. went to get the car titles changed into my name today. didn't have to go to the DMV -- went to a 3rd party -- took 10 minutes. a former co-worker of my husband met me there. he had his young son with him and we stopped for a bite to eat. i forced down some soup. i was nervous and jumpy and just wanted to go home. i don't like be away from the house. i feel safe here. as soon as i got home the tears started again. he's the only one of john's co-workers who checks on me. don't think the rest of them like me. they thought they knew john, but they didn't. john was one person at work and another person at home. he didn't socialize with co-workers. he loved his job and he had me and that was enough for him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted June 29, 2012 Report Share Posted June 29, 2012 Well you got something accomplished today...you may think that was a small thing, but really, right now, it wasn't, everything is a big thing right now so you should feel proud of yourself, it's a step. No one knew your husband like you did...and no one had the relationship with him that you did. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest babylady Posted June 29, 2012 Report Share Posted June 29, 2012 Well you got something accomplished today...you may think that was a small thing, but really, right now, it wasn't, everything is a big thing right now so you should feel proud of yourself, it's a step. No one knew your husband like you did...and no one had the relationship with him that you did. a little while ago i had to go lie in his bed. he loved that bed -- queen size with a soft mattress. i like a hard mattress. you're right. little things are big things now. one day at a time -- one step at a time -- one minute at a time. the picture is me taken almost 2 years ago. wish i had pictures of us together. the only ones i have are when he was close to death. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wifflesnook Posted June 29, 2012 Report Share Posted June 29, 2012 Today I am trying to sort out papers and it's so hard. I have been looking at bank statements from way back and various items bring back memories all the time. And now I have to cancel Petes Blackberry phone account. I should have done it ages ago as its costing me money but it's like a link with him, and in a daft way I suppose he will come back and want it. But I must do it as I can't afford to keep paying for it. Each action brings its own pain doesn't it? I just have to say to myself Others have felt like this, and feel an empathy for them in their grief too. That's why this forum helps I suppose. We all have to do these hard things. Hugs to everyone in these hard times. Jan Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted June 29, 2012 Report Share Posted June 29, 2012 Jan, could you keep his phone and cancel yours instead? Maybe even switch cards on them...I was just thinking it'd be a way you wouldn't have to cancel his. My daughter took over George's phone so at least I didn't have to cancel or keep paying on it. Gosh it's these little things that get to us. Thinking of you today... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wifflesnook Posted June 29, 2012 Report Share Posted June 29, 2012 That would be a great idea if mine were not an iPhone to which I am quite addicted and I don't like BBs. We used often to compare them! I did do something like that though. When Pete had the stroke I bought him an iPad in the hope he would use it. He did use it a little bit but not much. At Xmas he remembered to ask me what I wanted (:-)) and I said I wanted an iPad too. So he said get one, which I did. When he died I swapped and had his even though he didn't use it much I knew he had touched it. I wear his wedding ring and I am going to get a battery for his watch which has stopped and shall wear that too. Anything that has been close to him is powerful to me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest babylady Posted June 29, 2012 Report Share Posted June 29, 2012 the company was paying the monthly bill for john's phone. it's sitting in a drawer right now. fortunately i was the one who handled the money especially after john had his first seizure. he didn't even know what year it was. when we found out he was terminal i had to take care of so much paperwork. it was better to get him retired -- that way when he passed i would get his full pension. the paperwork was unbelievable. also had to get him on social security and a health care plan. then when he passed there was more paperwork. had to get my own health care -- apply for social security survivor benefits. i'm still dealing with stuff -- filling out forms to collect on life insurance policies. the company just turned his 401k over to me. hugs to all of you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted July 3, 2012 Report Share Posted July 3, 2012 I totally understand the addiction to an iPhone, LOL! That's what I have and it'd be hard to go to something else afterwards. My son has a Droid and loves it. I should wear my wedding band on a chain, I can't get it on my finger anymore. (We didn't know you needed a bigger ring for wider bands.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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