I Miss My Cinida So Much

[Ken]

I lost my beautiful wife Cindia Oct. 21. She was 37 and diagnosed with Lymphoma last year. She beat the cancer and was declared in complete remission last November but developed congestive heart failure this fall and it ended her life last week.

I'm so very lucky to have our little Noah. He's two and a half so he doesn't really understand although he know's mommy can't come back. I love him so much but have to admit Im scared. Cindia was such a wonderful mother and I 'm afraid of not being able to provide Noah with the same love and nurturing. I'm afraid of not maintaining a house as clean and neat as she did or of feeding him with the same wonderful meals she would have. She was such a tireless worker.

Her funeral was yesterday and all of her family and our friends were there but today I feel so completely alone.

I'm not very good at asking for help. I've had so many offers of help that it's just overwhelming but I don't know what anyone can really do to help me. I'm very fortunate that my mother and step father have played an active role in Noah's life since he was born and live near me. I've been staying with them since Cindia died but feel like I need to get back home with Noah and begin to form a routine.

I know you have walked down this road before me and thank you in advance for any insight you can give.

Ken

[debr88]

Dear Ken,

When I read your post,I felt like I was reading my own story......

I lost my fiance,Steve to cancer on Oct.21st....he left me with our beautiful 8 month old daughter Kylie.His funeral was on Wednesday.I also feel very lonely,I got a lot of phone numbers and people who said to call "if you need anything".But I'm not the type who can ask for help either.... besides, there is really nothing anyone can do to ease this agonizing pain.My mother lives next door and has been helping me with the baby....I don't know what I would do without her.I still feel like I'm in a fog,I find it difficult to function.Ken....I just want to let you know that we are here for you.When you have those days when it seems like you just can't go on....come here and send a post.We all here for the same reason...and hopefully we can help you through the pain.

Deb

[Dusky]

Ken,

I just read your message – my heart goes out to you. I do understand the pain you are currently experiencing. I lost my Partner of 27 years on 7-31-05. You can read about my experience in a message I posted on here two days ago entitled – “Remembering Jack – Living in the Moment – so I won’t bother you with a lot of the details of that here – you can read that for your self.

The loss of your mate is an excruciating pain – like no other I have ever felt. You are in the initial days so the tears keep coming – that is normal – and good – you need to cry when every you want to cry. I am only three months into this same experience - I still cry every day – but I can tell you what I did to help in those first few weeks. I have been reading every book I can on the subject of Grief – so far I have read 18 books – it has helped me. Grief is something that they say will get easier with time – and its length varies from person to person – but if your love was great (and it sounds like it was) then the pain of the grief and your loss will be equally as strong. I personally believe that some level of grief will be with me until the end of my life – but I do expect it to get easier. The idea is not to forget your lost love one but to find that special place in your heart where you can carry her with you forever – and I am currently trying to do just that with the memory of my lost Partner. I have also stated a memorial Scholarship in my Partners name at his High School in Michigan to provide assistance to a student every year that is pursuing a career as a Beautician. You will find as you move along in this process that you will want your wife’s memory and way she lived her life to be remembered. For me I intend to have My Jack live on – in me – by the way I live my live and in the spectacular way he always lived his live – In The Moment. Your attachment to your wife will remain with you forever – she will always be with you in your heart – and how you live your life will be the greatest tribute you can give to her.

I would also suggest taking advantage of any one on one counseling that Hospice can offer you. They will counsel you (free) for 13 months after the death of your spouse. I talk to one of their counselors every two weeks. I am also going to be joining a support group – it helps to talk and talk and talk about your loved one - to anyone who will listen to you. Try to find as many people who will be willing to Listen. I can’t tell you how important that is – and unfortunately a lot of people (friend and family) – although you think they would be willing to listen to you – over and over again – may not be the people who in the end are the individuals who can handle what you need to do – and what you need to do is talk about your loss – over and over. You will find that grief will re-write your address book. People who you through would be close to you may end up not being the people you can lean on right now. Whoever are the friends and family who will listen to you take advantage of that and cultivate those relationships so you can do what is needed – and that is to talk about your Cindia. The people who you need close to you right now are the ones who are willing to listen to the same stories over and over and over again – until you don’t want to tell them any more. I think you may end up being amazed at who will end up becoming your Major Support People as you travel the initial months of your grief. Take advantage of whomever those people end up being.

For me – as you will see in my posting on here – I am determined to find some meaning in the loss of my partner Jack. Please read my posting on here and it will explain how I have gotten through the first three months of this life-changing event.

I am gay – I hope that this does not upset you – but when I saw your posting I though I may have something useful to share with you - in not only this message back to you - but also in the words I wrote in the posting on here – “Remember Jack – Living in the Moment”. The loss of a mate – is the loss of a mate – regardless of sexual preference.

I hope some of this information is useful – One of the good things I hope to have happen from my loss is being able to reach out to someone like your self and provide help.

Take care my friend – all my best,

John – Handle is Dusky on here

Partner of Jack

[kayc]

I am so sorry for your loss...she was so young. I am sure you will be a wonderful father, you care, and that's what is needed most.