Sneaky Emotions

[ANC1117]

I hate the sneaky emotions of my grief. I seem to be in control then blam, out of nowhere I am hit. The last few days I have wanted nothing more than to be left alone and stay secure under the covers with the comfort of the boys (dogs). Being pulled from my wishes and having to tend to work made me angry and short with my dealings with others. Not everyone, just the people who make their situation seem soooo terrible; situations that have a resolve. I am not like this, I am usually a concerned and helpful individual who tries to solve problems for others. So I hate when my emotions of grief change who I am.

Just yesterday I was doing a little shopping and I looked down at my hands pushing the shopping cart. This brought back a visual of my hand holding Celene's, as I would when she pushed the cart. I tried very hard to hold back the tears and then they came flowing. Then it seemed as if the only things I noticed in the store were things that Celene liked to buy. I had to make it a short shopping trip to keep from becoming a complete emotional wreck in the store.

Then to complete my night. My daughter was planning on going to Chevy's for dinner with friends and informed me they closed down. That was Celene and my favorite place and our last "date night" location.

Now I am faced with no desire to go anywhere today. This is not going to happen when my daughter and I have been invited to a BBQ with friends and she will make certain I go with her. I just hope to be pleasent... time to dust off the poker face. Prayers and hugs appreciated.

Anthony

[mfh]

Anthony, I do understand those sneaky emotions. Just when you think you are in a decent space, there they are right down your cheeks in the form of tears. Holidays are tough even ones like today that is not as personal a day but which is truly a family day. Families are together today and thus it can be very lonely. It seems you got hit hard a couple of times with the restaurant closing. I hope the evening went a bit easier for you. I sort of forgot about today and made no plans so have been home alone all day...this holiday basically meant nothing to Bill and me except a day to be together on a road trip i.e. it was not a big family day but I tell you..today has been extremely difficult as I am not in a very good space these days anyway. I tried to keep busy with things that needed doing but tears have found their way down my face several times. I finally sat and looked at pictures, played on Pinterest for a while but nothing removes the pain. These holidays are very difficult and perhaps that fed into those sneaky emotions that got you today.

Peace

Mary

[Guest babylady]

they do sneak up. yesterday i was grocery shopping. people were asking how i was doing. lost my husband on 5/27/12. i tried to hold back the tears and started to hyper ventilate. an employee offered to bring me into their break room to sit down and relax. i said "i'll be okay". all i wanted to do was get home and let the tears flow.

last friday i thought i was doing well. saturday i got up not feeling well. when i checked the mail there was a check from the life insurance company. set me off for the next 5 days. tonight i'm feeling a bit better. what will happen tomorrow? i don't know.

[Cosel]

I lost my husband 19 months ago. I have good days and bad days. Today was a particularly bad day. Emotions did sneak up on me. I have 2 daughters and 4 grandchildren, I was all along today and didn't hear from anyone until about 5:00 this evening. I guess everyone thinks I should be getting on with my life--they just don't understand how difficult it is to recover after losing someone who was your life for 46 years. Today was the saddest, loneliest holiday ever. I hope I don't have any more holidays like today, but I'm sure I will. I really don't like being alone.

Cosel

[kayc]

I think it's Mary I have heard refer to emotions as Tsunamis. How appropos! I'm sorry yesterday was like that for you. My first 4th of July after George died was just two weeks after his death and my daughter invited me to her friends' barbeque...I declined, it was much too soon. This year I did nothing because I was in too much pain and I needed to get up early this morning...besides, I wanted to be there for the dogs in case they were scared of the noise.

It's interesting that so many of us have had a hard time shopping after our loved one's death, but George and I did all our shopping together and he loved buying groceries (he loved food!) so that was one of the hardest things for me to get used to doing alone. This is truly the hardest thing to go through, this grief journey, yet we do somehow manage to make it through it...I could so relate to your comment about dusting off your poker face.

[mfh]

I agree on the shopping. I have learned NOT to go through the men's wear department to get into Macy's or Boston Store as I am in tears by the time I get to the end of it. Bill was not a clothes horse but he liked to look nice so I bought him shirts a lot...and pants.

As for the tsunami of grief...yes, the waves of grief (small and large) frequently become tsunamis. My version as a beginning painter attached.

We are in the middle of a major heat wave here. Temps 100-109 with higher heat index for the past 10 days. Today is supposed to be the worst. One person's plastic mailbox holder (at their curb) melted, roads buckled in Madison, fireworks canceled, fire warnings high. A friend's family is here from Phoenix and said this heat feels worse than theirs on a really hot day. Probably the humidity which is high. No rain in over 5 weeks. And that is the weather report from Wisconsin.

Someone took my picture this past week so I now have a shot that is current as opposed to the one on my profile that is 17 years old. No gray to speak of yet.

Peace,

Mary

[MartyT]

Oh Mary! What a darling picture! I don't know whose face is more beautiful ~ yours or Bentley's! ♥

[ANC1117]

Thank you all for your responses. I did make it through the night. At lunch I mentioned my emotional set backs to my daughter and let her know why I seemed on edge lately. She can tell when I have my days and knows when not to put too much pressure on me. She does however keep me from going completely inverted toward life. Today I stayed in bed as long as I could and now I have no choice but to take care of business matters; workers need materials and assistance. I guess I didn't really look at this holiday as being a family one and now I look back and realize that we always spent it together. Perhaps my subconscious let me know.

Mary, your art work speaks volumes. I might have to let my emotions be captured from one of my talents; new or old.

Prayers and compassion.

Anthony

[mfh]

Oh Mary! What a darling picture! I don't know whose face is more beautiful ~ yours or Bentley's! ♥

Thanks, Marty. I thought it time that I posted a current shot. I have to learn how to reduce the size of photos, however. Peace, Mary

[Lina]

*hugs* I understand...there are days where facing the world feels too hard.

[mfh]

Thank you all for your responses. I did make it through the night. At lunch I mentioned my emotional set backs to my daughter and let her know why I seemed on edge lately. She can tell when I have my days and knows when not to put too much pressure on me. She does however keep me from going completely inverted toward life. Today I stayed in bed as long as I could and now I have no choice but to take care of business matters; workers need materials and assistance. I guess I didn't really look at this holiday as being a family one and now I look back and realize that we always spent it together. Perhaps my subconscious let me know.

Mary, your art work speaks volumes. I might have to let my emotions be captured from one of my talents; new or old.

Prayers and compassion.

Anthony

Anthony, I started painting a few months after Bill died. I am a true beginner with potential. I am working on one now...the face of grief half covered by the mask we show the world. I have to start it over as I left it on my art desk (have not put up blinds yet) and the masking (substance used to keep the paper white in watercolor)melted into the paper and I can't get it off. Only a beginner would do that. So my art teacher said it gives me a chance to make changes I wish I had made in the first place. Oh well. What are your talents that you can use to express your grief? Mary

[ANC1117]

For talents I woodwork, paint pottery, digital art, and play the violin (Celene was much better at the violin than I).

[mfh]

Anthony,

You have a lot of options. Are you doing any of these currently? I have found during these two years that "losing myself" in reading, art, times with people, training my pup, etc. gives me a break from my monkey mind (busy with thoughts). Our minds are thought producers...it is what they do. The mind is the source of most of our stress, hence the use of meditation to reduce stress. We produce about 60,000 thoughts a day on an average (I probably hit 90,000 some days) and most of these thoughts are the same ones we produced yesterday and most are negative or fear based and sources of stress. It is what we humans do. Meditation helps us get in charge of our monkey minds. So does art. That is a lot of thoughts especially when we are in deep grief because at that time, at least for me, those thoughts are all sad and energy depleting. We must grieve however and frankly I have little choice about that. I just grieve. Even if I am smiling or laughing I am sad inside. It is always there and though it is better now than two years ago, I feel sadness all the time even if I do not look sad. It fools people who do not want you to be sad but unless they have grieved a huge loss, they do not understand that the sadness is just there. Being distracted and involved with my art balances it some. Using art to grieve helps. We ARE grieving and acknowledging thoughts and feelings is part of the process. However, I find it totally exhausting to focus on my pain in every waking hour as well as in dreams sometimes. From the beginning I made myself get out with others for at least some period of time every day. I then proceeded to overdo that and said yes to every invitation and every event and wore myself out as well as ending up feeling worse because I know I was avoiding and also trying to fill a hole that nothing could fill. The art I began about four months after Bill died gave me something to focus on when I was alone and had read so much that I could no longer read. I did it sporadically but now I want to do it everyday that I can. TV did not help much because it is mostly mindless so my mind would start thinking sad thoughts. The art is a distraction as I get lost in mixing colors, practicing techniques, etc. It is also a vehicle to express the pain in a different way...instead of journaling or just sitting and thinking...it gave me an outlet that was creative and supported my expression of grief. All that to say, why not try getting into something you already know how to do....A friend gave me a beautiful box for my birthday, hand made, for photos and I keep that box on my cocktail table and peruse photos when I choose to. I put very special things in it...a box of memories. You are a woodworker, making a box like that could be a good project and it is still related to your grief work. You have lots of options. Putting a digital album together with your art work and photos is another. It all helps. Just some thoughts that helped me. Peace, Mary

[kayc]

I love the picture! It is darling of both of you!

I wish I could paint like you can...it's nice to have another form of expression...