Negative Stuff. Don't Read If You Are Already Feeling Bad

[Wifflesnook]

I have just realised that if I were a financial institution I would be in negative equity. My value has diminished. I realised this when I had various thoughts like I am sure we all do about my own death and how it wouldn't be such a bad thing. When Pete was with me my value was HUGE and I never questioned it. Now I just don't feel I have any value. this is despite the fact that I have two children, one, my daughter, a single parent with two little ones who need me I know. But at the moment it doesn't seem to matter to me. I think this is a very selfish thought but my whole life revolved around my Pete and he isn't here to value me above all else. Sorry to unload here, but where else can I do so? It's my 71st birthday tomorrow and not sharing it with Pete is an unbearable thought. My tears just keep on coming

[Durbin]

I like you am 71 years of age, widowed now for 7 and a half months. I lost my husband to Cancer of the lung and was caring for him. It is a very lonely state to be in and everyone seems to have gone and left you on your own - the support that was is no longer around. I live alone, have 3 children and sometimes they phone but often they are very busy with their lives - I never see my grandchildren. Two of my children live away but I do not see my daughter who lives only 5 miles away. She does phone though.

I hate it when I go out and seeing couples our age together - it hurts. I prefer to come home and not see couples at all. I have had bad days when I do not want to go on but I try - it is a battle at times, so difficult as I live alone now. I know there are others like us and this is why it is good to offload here with the discussion groups.

I prayed and the answer was live just one day at a time - it is enough to go through right now. My thoughts are with you.

[kayc]

I totally understand your feelings, they are very valid for good reason, yet I have a different slant on it...our value is just as strong as it ever was, it is just our feelings of self-worth that have been hit...we no longer have the feedback of our greatest fan, and we feel we no longer matter to anyone else in quite the same way. That is probably true, but we do still matter to someone, all of us have someone, a child perhaps, or a friend, a sibling, someone that cares if we live or die. They may not be in our everyday lives like our spouse was, and they may not express to us what we mean to them, but if we died, they would notice and miss us. During our grief journey, at some time, we come face to face with the realization that yes, we have value in and of ourselves, with or without outside validation, and it is so important to treat ourselves well. Fix yourself that wonderful dinner, just for you, take time for a bubblebath with candles, get out and walk every day, listen to some favorite music, do something kind just for yourself.

There is a divorce forum for people whose spouses have left them for someone else...that is a very hard place to be in, these people are in so much pain, and one of the favorite sayings is "what color are your nails today?" It's not that nail polish matters in the grand scheme of things (it doesn't), but the point is, "what are you doing for yourself today?" THAT is the point! It is recognizing that with or without someone else in your life YOU MATTER! You are important! And the most important person to realize that is YOU! There is no one like you, no one else that could have taken your spot with your spouse, no one else that parented your child in the way you did, no one else that could be a friend in the way you have been with yours, no one with exactly the same combination of personality and looks and talents as you. (((hugs to all)))

[Anne E]

I totally agree with Kay C. It took me a while, but I have come to the conclusion that I do matter. The most important reason I matter is that I hold the history of Dick and I.

I know why and how we made decisions, I know how and why we worked our way through the hardships as well as the joys of our time together. I can share how we managed to have a happy, meaningful relationship for almost 40 years.

Memories of our life together are important and I am the one who can share those memories.

I also know that I have things to offer the rest of the world and so do you. This is a very hard time, but it will get easier as you rest and regain some strength.

Please to some of those things suggested by Kay. I thing getting out every day, even if you only walk around the yard is helpful.

Give yourself some time.

[Wifflesnook]

I knew this was the right place to say these hard things. Thanks to all three of you. I will read what you say and I believe you are right. I feel just a little bit better for reading it. Thanks so much.

[Guest babylady]

i know what you're going through. i have multiple health problems. i've been wondering what it would be like if i didn't exist. would it really matter? i have my cat and i have to take care of him. he would miss me.

right now i have a lot of things to take care of. had to change john's 401k into an IRA for me. there's insurance money and i have to make a new will. most of it will go to various charities.

on the other hand, john would want me to make a life for myself.

we were so close -- didn't really have any friends here -- all we needed were each other. of course, john had his job which is loved and his beloved porsche and he had me -- that seemed to be enough for him.

we've got to stop these negative thoughts, but sometimes it's really hard.

[mfh]

I knew this was the right place to say these hard things. Thanks to all three of you. I will read what you say and I believe you are right. I feel just a little bit better for reading it. Thanks so much.

Jan, I know this is your birthday, your first without your Pete. I know it is hard. My 70th was the day after Bill's funeral. You might not even care about today except in missing the celebrations Pete provided. I am glad your daughter and babies are there with you this weekend. Thinking of you on this day. Peace, Mary

[HAP]

Dear Jan,

Whenever I doubt people need me--and despite all I do in the outside world I have moments just like you describe--I remember this line from a character in a television program: "I've never met anyone who was not important before." And I haven't met anyone yet, no matter where they are in their lives, who is not important. You matter to your grandchildren, to your children, to the people on this forum, to the clerk in the grocery store who rings up your order, to the waiters and waitresses at the restaurants you eat in. I was stunned when the waitresses at our favorite breakfast restaurant showed up for Jane's wake. So did people who sat at other tables when we were there. We knew none of them beyond a nodding acquaintance and occasional words--we did not even know each other's names.

The poet and Anglican minister John Donne said it well: Every man's death diminishes me, for I am concerned with mankind. And when that death is someone as close as a spouse that diminishment seems all the greater. I have been in this state for just four days short of 19 months. Every day I am reminded of what I no longer have. But while I feel myself diminished by that anguish, my real value to others has increased. At a minimum we model for others the intensity of grief and how to deal with it. In our reverence for the one we have lost others find keys to reignite the love in their own lives. They build stronger relationships because they see that love is an everyday process--and that process continues beyond the severing of either life. They come to understand the importance of each moment together in ways they did not previously comprehend.

But we are blinded to all of this by our own pain, by our own aching need for the one we love. But, if anything, our value to the world increases by exactly the love we hold, and continue to hold, for the one we have lost.

Peace,

Harry

[mfh]

Harry, this is a lovely and helpful post. It reminds me of one of my best friend's wakes. The UPS man came. The Amish family whose kids pulled weeds (for pay) on Betty's farm came...all 12 kids dressed in their Sunday best and intrigued by the TV that ran a video of Betty's life. We never ever know whose lives we touch....so all we can do is go out there and be the best "me" we can be...no one else can bring our gifts to the world. Thanks for the great reminder.

Peace

Mary

[Anne E]

You know, I have not thought about those who attended Dicks memorial service in a long time. Our large church was packed. After the service, while I stood in a sort of receiving line for what seemed like hours, I met customers of Dick's I'd never known and heard stories of his small acts of kindness that were new to me. I comforted his long time employees when missed him so badly.

Richard heard about what a honest, fair, dependable, compassionate man his father was. Richard and I were in awe of the presence that was my husband and his father. Today, it is a wonderful memory for me.

I realize I matter because Dick's influence made me a better person and I need to share that.

[Susie Q]

It's been a while since I posted but I am still a frequent visitor because this site is so full of comfort and support.

The topic is an important one and since it's been nearly three years since I lost my husband, I guess I have some experience that I'd like to share.

For a very long time I felt like I had completely lost, with his death, whatever essence there was of us, but also, frighteningly, the essence of me. I wasn't interested in anything or anyone, and really felt insignificant, even invisible, although I tried my very best not to communicate that. I made myself do things after about five months just bcause I knew I should. I didn't have the energy or the motivation to try to 'recover' because I didn't see that it could ever be possible.

Somehow, and I can't say when, I started to feel that I was getting back the 'me' that he loved. The one that thinks all life mattered, even a bruised and battered life like mine. The me that thinks there are small things that I can do to make others feel better, despite my pain.

I'm not bubbling with happiness like I once was, but I know that I've reached a turning point and that I can survive this emotional trainwreck.I am forever changed but having gotten to this point I can see clearly that even without him, I do matter.

Maybe we all need the time to rediscover our centre, before we can see our effect on others as positive.

Time doesn't really heal, it just gives us back the ability to see beyond ourselves again.....Susie Q

[zeeks]

I have just realised that if I were a financial institution I would be in negative equity. My value has diminished. I realised this when I had various thoughts like I am sure we all do about my own death and how it wouldn't be such a bad thing. When Pete was with me my value was HUGE and I never questioned it. Now I just don't feel I have any value. this is despite the fact that I have two children, one, my daughter, a single parent with two little ones who need me I know. But at the moment it doesn't seem to matter to me. I think this is a very selfish thought but my whole life revolved around my Pete and he isn't here to value me above all else. Sorry to unload here, but where else can I do so? It's my 71st birthday tomorrow and not sharing it with Pete is an unbearable thought. My tears just keep on coming

I understand totally... all have those times. Mine has gone on for the whole 6 years , but I wake,breathe and go on for my grandchildren I raise...they endured their mother passing and Roger my (soulmate, husband , their papa) and more their father than my son, their biological dad. We will make it and I trust you will too. My prayers be with you!!!!!!!!!!!!! Zeeks

[Wifflesnook]

Thank you all. Wonderful words and wise advice. I do appreciate this site. X