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I have never doubted others explanations of the 2nd yr blues, but didnt understand such until it happened. I have a wonderfull new relationship, with a man that is supportive of me everyday, I am beginning a new life in a soon to be new home, work is work ugh! but dealing with such, but why dont I feel physically better...I hate the fact I havent the energy I once had......the desire to push myself just aint there.....it is almost overwhelming to me what I have done and what I want to do, for Mike and yet....I want it so much for myself! I am so excited about what is coming and yet.......I guess I am filled with some dread that things wont be nice......that I will fail.....is this the fact that 14 months ago tomorrow Mike died, the fact that my body hasnt recovered from this assault yet......or the fact that I am getting older or is it the thought and some guilt that I can see happiness.......or the thought that I wanted this to be over after the first yr........and although I feel so much better....but this nagging memory is ever present.....I felt so good about things yesterday and today ugh!! I am so frustrated!!!!

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Dave, here is the link I told you about on the phone. I like it. It resonates with how this journey feels to me. I read a book called Sacred Grief last year. The title stuck with me. I try to look at my grief as sacred because in truth it is...I try to embrace it...yes, I fail daily but get up again and go on and yes, it is exhausting, David. We both know that.

I am off to Chicago in the morning to sit with my brother during his knee replacement surgery. I do not go into this with total peace as he is a three time cancer survivor being kept alive with a monthly injection. His immune system is quite compromised. He has been a rock for me over many years. When Bill died, he was unable to comprehend the loss or assist me in my grief and that was quite difficult but his intentions are always pure. He did his best. Knowing his intentions has gotten me past it. Keep him in your prayers on Wednesday.

Enjoy your house closing. We can enjoy things as we also grieve. We must, in fact or we will never heal.

Peace, Mary


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Maybe it's a little of all of the above? Just be careful not to create self-fulfilling failure...continue your move forward and try hard to ward off guilt feelings or anything negative that might hold you back. Of course you're going to have good days and bad, it hasn't been all that long, the grief will continue with you but so will your new life, and in time, your present will ring louder. :)

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