Not Sure Where To Post This

[enna]

Dear Kay,

As I have said before – you are a very special person. My heart is with you during this time. There really aren’t any words so please know that you are in my heart. I’ll keep sending you those e-mail hugs. You are not alone in this journey. Anne

[kayc]

I've been continuing to take my mom out once a week and listening to her on the phone when she calls...it's getting tough, she's having some really bad days and it makes it a bad day for her family when she does. I'm trying to let it go when I get off the phone with her or leave her. That's easier said than done.

[mfh]

dear Kay, I am so sorry it is getting tougher for you and for your mom. I am sure it is hard to let go of it after calls and visits. It is also tiring so I hope you are taking care of YOU also.

I am with my friend all week. Today she got her hair cut Pre chemo. It was bittersweet but the stylist is her old friend and we were the only three in the shop so we were able to talk openly, laugh hard and go for ice cream afterwards. We are both tired tonight.

I will be thinking of you this holiday. They are such tough days. Bill and I spent many visits here and it still seems sad and strange that he is not here. I am enjoying my private suite overlooking the lake...

Take good care of you.Peace

Mary

[kayc]

Thank you, Mary, I just saw this note.

My son and DIL came Wed. late at night and leave tomorrow so I've been too busy to think with three dogs and two cats to take care of, everyone to feed and clean up from. I am pretty tired but I slept well last night if not the night before.

I couldn't reach my mom by phone the last two days which is a good sign, it means she's in the common area with others instead of in her room. I finally got her today, she just doesn't understand anything. The one thing I've learned out of all of this is lots of patience. Also accepting that which I cannot change and just taking it matter of factly.

I'm glad your friend has you there with her and you got the hair cut done. You're still with her then? I hope you had a good Thanksgiving together!

Well, going to go lay down for a while before working on the turkey frame soup I'm making for dinner tonight.

[mfh]

Yes, Kay, patience is the only way to get through this. There were many many days when Bill was sick that i was in my home office on deadline trying to create an ad or write a piece and Bill would come in to sit down to chat. I would chat and then walk him back to wherever he wanted to go knowing he wanted to stay right there but I could not work then. I would return and right behind me there he was...forgetting that he had just done that. Usually I surrendered if I possibly could and worked at night when he was asleep. Or I remember just getting his shirt on...just getting an arm in the sleeve...major patience. I could write a book. I know you could also.

I just drove the 3 hours home from my friend's where I have been since Monday. She had a rough week with pain and exhaustion and yesterday ended up in ER where I sat with her for 7 or 8 hours. At 11pm they had enough test results back to admit her with some scary Dx. This a.m. I returned to the hospital to see what was happening and learned she was to be monitored, more tests, etc. today and tomorrow and since she was out of immediate danger now, I was proud of myself that I came home....fighting sleep all the way...but I did not stay there as the old Mary would have. She has lots of support this weekend. I pick up Bentley in an hour and then I will hit the pjs maybe for the whole weekend.I am fighting tears...as I am so tired and I have had bad feelings about this Dx with her from the beginning and learned this week that my gut was right as usual. A long story. Her husband sugar coated things and this morning I got the whole story about her Dx and I worry and feel so sad about everything right now. I will return to Illinois once I see what the MD is saying and IF I am needed. As long as she has other support, I will take care of me. I watched the caregiver self in me surface and got a tiny glimpse of why I was so so tired for so long and still am. I have no reserve even now. So do take care of YOU. Do not do what I did with Bill and get totally exhausted and depleted if you can avoid that.

My friend may have to have more surgery as a bowel obstruction was Dx.... she was high risk when she came in to ER and it could have caused huge problems had we not gone in. When we got there a new symptom surfaced almost immediately as she went into atrial fib (no history of that) with her heart rate leaping every split second between 89 to133 and everything in between for the 7 hours we sat in ER...she is in sinus rhythm today but all this combined with the cancer Dx and mega family issues has been draining for her and all of us there...to say nothing of scary. It feels good to be home. When I read your posts, my heart reaches out to you as this past period of time with her has reminded me of all Bill (and I) went through and of what you are going through. You are a good daughter, a good person.... we take the love we were blessed to enjoy in our marriages and help others with it.

Thanks for listening to all this. I got home and just needed to put this somewhere...thank you.

Take care of yourself on this journey. Peace...Mary

[MartyT]

Mary, my dear, I so hope that you truly do listen to your own advice, and take good care of you now. Let the others who love your dear friend take care of her now, and look at that as a gift you can give to them. As you step aside, you make room for others to step in. Clearly you are depleted and exhausted, and you need to give to yourself what you are so, so willing to give to those you love. It is imperative that you put yourself first this time ~ and the only one who can make that happen is YOU. (Well, except for Bentley, I mean. We don't have to wonder where you stand in his eyes.) ♥

[mfh]

Hi Marty,

Thank you for your wise, as always, words. I just picked Bentley up and for 20 minutes he has raced in circles, run back and forth, leaped on my lap (back feet on the floor, thank goodness) a few times, brought me every toy he has, flipped around and around, smiled and until I said "settle" he just could not contain his joy. I let him run some of it off before I said the magic word: settle. Nothing like Bentley to cheer me up. He is now panting from all of his exuberance and glued to and whining at the TV.... the National Dog Show. He is my therapy.

I left Cathy today at the hospital today and that was huge. The old Mary would have stayed until who knows when....I knew I was and am depleted and there is nothing I can do now except take care of me. I have nothing important scheduled this weekend so I will stay put except for walks. I think I learned my lesson. The physical stuff she is dealing with is only part of the problem. Thanks so much....Mary

[enna]

Dear Mary,

So much, so much to think about. I can breathe a little easier that you are home - safe. Just know that you are in my heart. Take care of YOU. Oh, what we are asked to do in this worldly life of ours. I can't believe how very sensitive I have become since Jim's death. My heart aches for those I love. Remember, we are only a very short time on this earth. I send you hope and peace. Please rest. You are in my heart. Anne

My dear Kay,

You are such a beautiful person. I carry you in my heart. Know you are only a thought away. Peace and Love, Anne

[mfh]

Anne, how is YOUR friend, Otto, doing? Thank you for your kind words. I am closing the laptop for tonight, putting on flannels and going to watch some dumb movie...I am sure there will be one on

You made it through your first big holiday. I know December is loaded for you....anniversary I believe, birthday, Christmas. One day at a time. Anticipation is worst than the day. Almost guaranteed.

Take care,

Mary

[Wifflesnook]

Mary I am SO pleased that you came home. You were so wise to realise that it was necessary to look after yourself. I'm glad she has people who will support her, and you have already shown her yours by going over and staying there. I do hope her treatment will help but the whole thing sounds so worrying. I hope you have a very quiet restful weekend and take care of you for a change. You must be utterly exhausted both physically and emotionally. Jan

[kayc]

Mary,

I am glad you were able to come home too. My company just left and I'm getting my house back in order. It is so much work having company! I am beginning to feel my age. I'm sorry to hear about your friend's Atrial Fibulation, I just went through that with my neighbor, had to drive him the 50 miles to the hospital, wait with him all night, then drive him back home. His heart rate still wasn't perfect, but better than it had been, it was crazy, swinging between 88 and 156! They tried different medicines, that didn't work, finally had to shock him, which is what he tried to tell them would have to be done in the first place, he's been through this before. He just wanted to get it under control and go home, it leaves him exhausted.

I'm glad you have Bently, what a difference it makes having a wonderful sweet dog in the house! My weekend has been spent taking care of three big dogs, two cats, and people. A LOT of work! Finally back to normal. I just learned my son won't be here Christmas Eve or Christmas Day so the kids won't see each other...P&B were here at TG but M&D couldn't make it. Alas, that's what happens when they grow up and get married!

I finally reached my mom yesterday. She still talks negative about everything/everyone (that's Paranoia for you) but she's spent so much time in the common area lately that I know this place is good for her. And even if she conjures up drama, well, it gives her something to occupy her time with. I guess neither of my kids are going to go visit her, they don't feel she was ever a grandma to them or decent mother to me...that may be true, but I just want them to have hearts of compassion and extend to her what she never was able to anyone else. I'll keep praying about it...I know it's not fun to see her, it never was. Sometimes you just do the right thing and let the chips fall where they may.

[mfh]

Hi Kay,

Yes, I can relate to you getting back to normal. It feels good to be home. I have accomplished absolutely nothing today except to respond to email I let go of this week.

I am sorry your kids can't find a place in their hearts for your mom. I know that hurts you. They are young and someday they will get it...I know that because they have you as a role model. And you get it and act out of love.

Enjoy your rest. I am.

Mary

[kayc]

I suppose it's because they're right, she never was a grandma to them. But she's still my mom, earned or not.

[justme2]

KayC,

I admire you so much. I too had a mother who had psych issues though my entire childhood and continues now. I believe we talked before about "Mommie Dearest" and how my sister and I could have written that book. She went to a doctor a few times and they'd write her a script for an antidepressant but she'd never get it filled. We lived through the madness-- getting hit with what ever was near, clothes hanger, shoe, hair brush and her favorite-- the 1/4" yardstick. But even worse was the mental abuse, the put downs, the insanity of the things she'd say. Once, I came home from school and was hungry (she worked) so I got something out of the cupboard and ate it. When she found out, she MADE me write a paper on why I "stole food from the cupboard". Hello... I was young and hungry. Do you know she thought it was "funny" that I wrote that the reason I stole food was because I was hungry. She actually saved it and sent it to me when I was in my 40's. I didn't think it was funny then and I sure didn't think it was funny so many years later. I still have it -- I showed it to my therapist, I didn't think anyone would believe me if I just told them the story. How could I steal food from a cupboard in the house I was being "raised" in. Once when I was in my young 20's I traveled to where she lived to visit her with my young son. (The first time she'd ever seen him). I got a new outfit and a haircut trying to "please her" and be the person she would like. When I got there she said to me "That haircut makes you look really cheap"...... Ok, so much for trying to please. When I was pregnant with my first child, she told me that my children were going to be born blind because both I and my ex wore glasses.... That was reassuring. From the time I got married and to the day I couldn't take it anymore and quit talking to her, I made everyone I was with PROMISE they wouldn't leave me alone in the same room with her so she couldn't put me down. When I became an RN-at age 30 and with a 9mth old, a 4 yr old and a 7 yr old, she asked my sister "Do you think that's all she'll ever be, a nurse?"

We haven't talked in years and she is now 85, living in Florida-- about 1200 miles from me, living alone. My sister talked to her longer, but as of last April, she couldn't take the put downs anymore either. So now, we wonder how she is. We figure the paper boy will probably see the newspapers gathering up at the door and that's how we'll find out she passed. I don't even know how I'll feel when she passes. I honestly don't think I'll cry or grieve.

So, anyway, this was about you and how I admire you and how you are able to forgive or come to peace with your mother and have so diligently taken care of her. You are such a special person, your mother may not have ever realized it, but all here know.

Tracy

[loves]

I can relate with you, Kay in what I consider to be a small way. I'll spare you all of the gory details, but suffice it to say that my dad is a deeply wounded being who has caused me specifically (of the three of us children) a ton of grief and pain for the 40 years of my entire life. I'll give a little background of highlights to bring it into perspective. When I was about 8 years old, I was beat so badly that my Mother thought he was going to kill me. His 'apology' consisted of saying that I hadn't done what he thought I had, and then he threatened me into being terrified of what would happen if I were to tell anyone. I watched him beat my mother as a child and into my twenties, and even at age eleven, I physically held him back from harming everyone. When I was 13, I was kicked out of the house. I believe it to be because I always stood up to him. I was too strong. Many events have occurred throughout the years and I have loved my Dad through it all. I always give him what I considered to be compassionate understanding, but what many would label 'enabling'. We all did. I kept loving him, and many times wanted to have nothing to do with the guy, but chose to hang in there, largely because of my love for my Mother, and for my siblings.

He and my Mother were married 43 years, until she just passed in September. I really appreciate your point about glorifying one parent so that we at least have one good one. I absolutely adored my Mom and would do anything for her. She was saintly in my eyes. I've not been closer to another person as to her. As she battled cancer, I was there for her (and my dad) more than anyone else. There were many times that I considered that if it weren't for her, I would have nothing to do with him. Things got so bad at times that I felt that I would even be willing to give up the relationship with my Mother to get away from him. Most recently, this past May, he bullied me so badly that I cancelled my flight to visit Mom to spend my 40th birthday and her last Mother's day with her. It was one of the most difficult experiences I've had. Once he acknowledged he was wrong for treating me that way (because he needed me to be there for him), I traveled there but was absolutley terrified. Amazing how I could still be so affected by him. I was devastated. I stretched past it and into my heart (my Mom taught me how to love this way) and traveled there 3 more times in June, July and then in August to be with my Mom for the last two weeks of her life and to see her to her last breath. Even though being bullied by him occurred just a few months ago, he has rewritten history and seems to have no recollection of it occurring at all. This is the lifelong pattern. I think I am (finally) realizing he is a psychopath.

Since my mother passed, I have had all kinds of emotional upheavels. I see that the 40 year dynamic has died too, and it feels like I am purging all 40 years now. This is a very intense experience, which may (or may not) occur for you and your siblings. I realize now how much energy it took as I held the family together throughout the years and it was often at my expense, or to my detriment, though I didn't always recognize that at the time. The healing of that seems to be at play now. I was busy being strong for my Mom for the past 6-1/2 years of her battle with cancer. I put my feelings away many times and stretched my capacity. The feelings are all surfacing now, from what seems to be a deep abyss. For the first time in my life, I have had an intense emotion of being angry with my Mom for not standing up for me throughout the years. I have felt the abandonment in that for the first time.

I am reassessing where I want to go from here with Dad. An entire new dynamic is developing, and I am focused on establishing very clear boundaries. I wish to not be sucked into believing that he will behave any differently. That's is the only reason I see that his actions devastate for me...I expect or hope for a different behavior from him. Guess that makes me insane...ha!

[AnnC]

I can relate to these stories. Both of my parents were mean, hypercritical, always negative, and insulting. For 20 years I lived across the country from them, but I moved back to the general area to be closer to my siblings and their children. Perhaps in self-defense against our parents, my siblings and I, despite fairly wide age differences, have remained close and supportive to each other.

My brother lost his job last year, and with the bad economy, he ran out of money while trying to get another one, so he moved in with my mother. She had been complaining ever since my father died in 2006 that she had no one to cook for and no one to help her with house and yard work (she's 84). But once my brother moved in, she started complaining that she had to cook for him! And she didn't, he was a pretty good cook, and liked cooking for others. But she said she didn't like his cooking. He did all her yardwork, heavy work inside (though she hires a cleaning service that comes weekly), and also did all the preparation and deep cleaning of her second condo for sale, dealing with the realtor, etc. Really doing a lot to help her, while also working very hard to find a job. But she had nothing but criticism, that his stuff was in her house, that his car was in her driveway, that he borrowed gas money from her to look for a job and run her errands for her. My mother is very wealthy, by the way.

When he died in a car crash, 3 months ago, it was an accident, and probably he fell asleep. He had found a job 6 weeks earlier and was working 12 hour days to get it going, plus helping her move out of her now sold condo, and moving into his own new apartment. Now, all we hear are her complaints about how he lived with her so long, his stuff is still in her house, he never did his homework as a child, on and on and on. It's like she thinks he was killed just to make her life more inconvenient.

She also is on my sister constantly. My sister is executor for my brother's estate, by my mother's permission as next of kin. But my mother is angry that she isn't at her house every day (she lives 40 minutes away and has a husband and children.) My mother is jealous of the time my sister spends with her own children, and complains that my sister goes to movies with her husband instead of my mother. She runs her ragged with demands, questions, and complaints. It got so bad that one day my brother in law intervened and told her to back off and to remember she still has other children and not to abuse us.

Yes, I know anger is a manifestation of grief, but believe me, she was like this before my brother died, before my father died. Every time I start to feel compassion for her as a widow and bereaved mother, she starts complaining about what a disappointment my brother was. And he worked so hard to take care of her when she was widowed and do everything for her.

In fact, although my brother's death was an accdient, if there is anyone to blame, it's her. She badgered and criticised him and put him down constantly, aggravating his tendency toward depression, and spurring him to work long, long hours to try to prove himself to himself and to her. Thus, he was exhausted and depressed after months of living with that woman -- and he fell asleep at the wheel and died. And all she can do is keep complaining.

This is mean too, but I doubt her death will hurt me anywhere near as much as my brother's death hurts.

[kayc]

Wow, this is all pretty heavy, I will finish reading it later when I am alone (I'm at work on a break).

I could share story after story of horrific things that I'm sure some of you could relate to. But I've let go of that and realize it's not about me or my siblings, it's about my mom. (What I mean by that is there is nothing us kids have done to bring these things on ourselves, but rather it is a result of who SHE is and how SHE chose to cope). She is, as one of you put it, a very wounded soul. We bore the results of that. She wreaked much havoc in her life but I don't think that was her intent, but rather she was a reactor...if she had stress she'd react by taking it out on one of us. I happened to be a teenager at the time in life when she had the greatest stress so I seemed to get the worst of it. I feel past that now. Whatever has taken place in my mom's life, however she's lived, whatever she's done to us, it's neither here nor there now...now she is just this old person who is and has lost her mind. It is my aim to bring her some respite even if only for a moment. I long ago gave up pleasing her. There is no response she could give to me that would really mean anything, because to allow it would be to give her power...power to hurt me or power to approve of me...I won't allot her that any more. However she reacts/responds to any of us, I let it go. Us siblings, we are support for each other. We help keep it all in perspective, we let each other vent when needed, we understand each other, we encourage each other, we give each other the pats on the back my mom never could. We strive to do the right thing for her or for us, whatever we can handle. A couple of my sisters have no contact with her anymore, that's okay. Whatever any of us choose, the others are here to support them in their decision. There is no judgment, only love.

[kayc]

It's hard to imagine there are so many bad parents in the world. When you're living through it, sometimes you think you're the only one that doesn't have that good parent. My mom was mentally ill and my dad was an alcoholic. My dad was sweet but he did nothing to protect us kids from our mom...just as my mom allowed him to drive us drunk and did nothing to intervene. I see them both as sorely lacking as parents, even though I do love my dad (he has been gone for nearly 31 years now). My mom...I'm not sure how I feel, I've quit trying to analyze it.

You guys have had some hard roads to walk too. In a perfect world we'd all have Cleaver parents, but that's not what happens. A few have great parents, most have parents that are good although human and not perfect...and too many of us were stuck with parents that shouldn't have raised kids. As bad as it was, we grew up and lived through it and even those hard places shaped and molded us into who we are. Some of us it made more compassionate, stronger, more able to stand up for ourselves, to right the injustices of the world, and to break the chain when we had children of our own. I thank God for our victories in who we have become, in spite of it all! That we can love, forgive, and have compassion, says all the more for us!

[MartyT]

I am an ACOA (Adult Child of Alcoholics) too, Kay, and I agree with you: In life, it's not so much about what happens to us ~ It's what we DO with what happens to us that makes all the difference . . . ♥

[loves]

I see all experience as a way to have true compassionate understanding for others. I think that is why we are able to have the love for our parents...through the compassionate understanding we've gained because we have fully extracted what the opportunity offers. The cycle then stops with us.

[AnnC]

So now I'm looking back at what I posted about my mother. I typed it, posted it, then realized I had not even known I felt that way! It did help to be able to express it.

Do I blame my mother for my brother's death? No, not really. I might as well blame my geandmother for my father's death. She was emotionally abusive to him, so maybe that's why he smoked and drank fairly heavily, and maybe that contributed to his death from esophageal cancer. But that's a stretch. As an adult, my father as well as my brother could decide how to live. Our parents have their faults because they're human. And we do not live perfectly healthy lives, because we are human. And even if we really could make all the right choices -- even if my fsther had never smoked or drank, even ifmy brother never drove when he was tired, none of us can avoid death.

I do feel badly for my mother. I suspect her anger comes from her grief. In the space of less than six years, she has lost my dad and my brother, who was her youngest child and only son. My sisters and I have offered books, websites like this one; Hospice and the funeral homes offered grief counseling and groups. She turns it all down and insists she's all right, and then her anger bursts out, and when we confront her, she says we must be mistaken, she's not angry!

How can we help her?

[kayc]

I'm not sure you can...a person has to recognize their need and want help. Beyond that, setting an example (which is probably lost on her), praying for her, being there for her, letting her know she can talk to you.

[mfh]

It is difficult for all of us to be around anger. It tends to push others away. It is also very hard to see beyond the anger to the pain and hurt and even fear that is beneath it. If you can focus on the fact the your mother is hurt and probably fearful, it will be easier to do what Kay suggests...let her know you love her, and that you are there. If you push too hard in an attempt to "make her" deal with her grief and pain, she may just walk away. No one wants to be pushed and it does not work anyway. We can not change anyone. We can assist when they are ready. Loving her, perhaps giving her brief articles once in a great while to see how she receives them and sharing your own grief may help. It is a tough situation...and I am so sorry it is happening.

Peace,

Mary

[AnnC]

I know no one can force anyone to deal with their grief, just wondered if anyone else is dealing with a similar situation.

[kayc]

Tonight is my night to visit my mom and I am exhausted, having slept less than two hours last night, and such a long commute to travel. But snow is on it's way and it looks like it will be a long visitor, so I'm going to go ahead and see her even though I really just want to go home and collapse. I hope it goes okay, you never know with her...