Not Sure Where To Post This

[MartyT]

My dear Kay, I don't think there is a family on earth that doesn't have its quirks and complications ~ I know that mine certainly does have its share. Every family has a story.

I am so sorry that your sister Peggy's comments were so hurtful, and I hope you can find a way to ignore them and rise above them. Actually, knowing you as I've come to know you, I know that you will. You know very well that no one has a right to tell you what you should or shouldn't be feeling about any of this. This is your mother, and the loving relationship you've worked so hard to develop with her these last few years is yours to savor and to celebrate. How you experience her death ~ and the grief that surely will follow your loss of her ~ will belong to you as well. Don't let anyone take that away from you. ♥

[kayc]

I know I reacted strongly last night to my sister but her response to me was so blatantly inappropriate and out of line, and at that moment, I couldn't tolerate it, all I could think of was to get away (off the phone) asap. Last night she gave me "an apology that wasn't" in other words, she sugarcoated what she'd said and denied saying it the way she did, and I just couldn't let her off that way. I decided I need a break from her and will be scarce from her for a while, until emotions settle down a bit. I will no longer give her updates about my mom, someone else will have to do it. I can't handle her responses and in particular, her judgment. I wish she would ASK me how I feel instead of assuming and passing judgment. Her and Polly are both saying snide remarks about my "need" for my mother. WTH! I have not been going to visit my mom on a regular basis because of MY need but rather because it's the right thing to do! I don't want her abandoned! I believe in forgiving and leaving the past where it belongs, it's taken me a long journey to get there, and the process was anything but easy, but it's been the right thing to do and I'm glad I've taken the upper road. To do otherwise would be to have entrapped myself in bitterness and that is when you CAN'T leave the past there!

I will continue to support my sisters in whatever way they choose to handle my mom and all of the "stuff" that's come from having had her in their lives, I DO know how they feel and have felt that way myself many times in the past. I may not feel it's best to get stuck there, but that's their choice and I support "choice". My heart grieves for the pain they're in, not from my mom's dying, but from their past treatment from her. It's interesting, however, that I was the one who received the very worst treatment from her and it is I who has chosen to forgive. They were grown and gone when my mom became her worst. I am just glad that mom is doing better mentally in this care facility and I think the medication has had a lot to do with it, plus all of the attention hasn't hurt.

Right now, today, she is in my prayers as she is in this seemingly unconscious state. I don't know if it'll continue very long, if she'll come out of it, or if she'll die this week...only time will let us know.

[mfh]

Your reaction to your sister's insensitivity is quite understandable and I support your keeping some distance for a while. Death and grief seems to frequently result in bringing out those old unresolved histories in families. It surely did in my own when Bill died. I am sorry she was unable/unwilling to support you. You are in my prayers, Mary

[MartyT]

Kay, my dear, I applaud your willingness to respect your sisters' choices even while you disagree with them. Clearly you have learned the importance of forgiveness ~ that it is more for your own benefit to forgive your mother her past failures ~ and it's sad that your sisters have yet to understand that concept. It seems to me that you are further along than these two sisters in your evolution as a loving, emotionally mature human being, and that is something to celebrate. ♥

[kayc]

Well this is the same sister that chose to gamble rather than bring me to the hospital when George was dying...it took me two days to get her to bring me back (we'd gone to the coast in her car). I never thought it was right and I talked to her about it and said if it was her husband I wouldn't have even asked, I'd have said, Come on, get your bags, lets go! It was hard to forgive her but I made it past that anyway and yet now here she is again...I'm trying to forgive her but honestly, right now I don't need her cruel words on top of everything else I'm already dealing with. Hopefully we can make it through this but I don't back down from what is right so I won't say "it's okay" when it isn't. It's just how I am, I stand for what's right.

Thinking of my mom today and praying she can be delivered soon, she so wants to go "home" and be with Jesus.

At least I have my sister Julie, she feels the same as I do about my mom and it all being past.

[mfh]

Kay, I am so glad you have one sister with whom you can share your pain. Know that I am thinking of you during these hard days. Mary

[kayc]

My mom passed this morning. I'm not sure how I feel, I'm kind of numb, it hasn't hit me yet. My brother said she was in a lot of pain this week and since she couldn't communicate any more, it was really a blessing. I guess I had my day of grief/getting hit hard the last day I saw her, Tuesday. They were surprised she lasted this long. She's being cremated and we'll have a service for her at her church weekend after next. She's finally out of it.

[enna]

Oh dear Kay, I am so very sorry to hear of the death of your mother. Holding you close. Anne

[mfh]

My dear Kay,

I am sure you are numb. Yes, she is finally "out of it" as you begin a new path on life's labyrinth. We are here and will be here for you as you walk this journey. We are here to support, listen, and care deeply. I am so glad you got there just a few hours ago and got to spend time with her. Know we care deeply and we are here for you. You came from love and forgiveness with her and I hope you are experiencing some peace knowing that you were here for her with love, gifts, and energy.

With love and peace,

Mary

[MartyT]

We are sending love and blessings to you, dear Kay, along with our heartfelt sympathy. May your mother rest in eternal peace, and when you think of her and all the special times you shared with her most recently, may love be what you remember most. ♥

[feralfae]

Dear Kay,

I am so sorry to read about your Mother, but also in a way relieved and happy for both of you. You two found a way to a more loving relationship before she left, just like Harry and his Dad, and both your stories have so many healing messages for us all. I know the love you two found between you these last couple of years will truly help your heart in its healing. I am glad you Mother is where she wants to be.

I am glad you are standing up for your right to grieve the way you need to, that you are not letting anyone bully you, and that you are pulling back to a space where you feel safe and seen when you need to do so. And I admire your spunk.

Mostly, I am really glad you and you Mother had a heartfelt reconciliation once she was on a helpful medication. I know, that as Marty said above, what you remember most will be the Love. You have a wonderful and loving heart, and right now, I am holding you in my heart with great tenderness. I am sending my love and sympathy, and many {{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}} as well as loving

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

Thank you fae, as I said in the "Loss of Parent" section, today is the best day of my mother's life, and I truly mean that. She is finally free of pain, free of being trapped in a body and brain that didn't work right any more, free of the demons that so haunted her all of her life, free of her feelings of guilt. She is free at last! I am going to really miss her.

I talked to my sister Polly today and was amazed that she felt the same things I did...we used to cringe when my mom called, I'd get an instant headache, not knowing what she'd say, but knowing it was coming...the last couple of years she lost her ability to make a phone call, and then lost the ability to receive one or talk on the phone. I've found that I miss the ability to call her and talk to her...my sister said the same thing. Funny how that works! I told my kids that someday they will miss hearing me call...I know they kinda doubt it, but it'll happen!

[kayc]

I just read this whole thread start to finish. I'm amazed at the anger and frustration I felt in the beginning...and the long journey the last couple of years since. I'm glad I had this time with my mom. It's all documented here, the good, the bad, even the funny little things she said that are good memories for me. I miss her. It doesn't matter any more how broken she was, she's well now. I feel a love for her and am so glad I was there for her, it was a special time that I wouldn't trade for anything. I learned a lot, traversing through dementia...it's a learning experience, a process. Yes, we learn to enter their world.

[enna]

And that is what I love about you, dear Kay...you are a compassionate, loving human being and your journey has helped me along mine. ♥

“You can search throughout
the entire universe for someone
who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere.

You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve your love and affection.”

- Sharon Salzberg

[ADH]

Hi KayC:

I am so sorry to heat about all of this and what you are going through, but I am glad that Marty and Mary are able to really offer such great suggestions and advice. I just wanted to let you know that your posts were a great help to me and so meaningful and appreciated. You are wonderful. I wish I was further along in this grief process to feel like I had more to offer in general.

Please know that I am thinking of you. I wish I had something smart to say.

[mfh]

Kay, reading through your entire string had to fill you with mixed emotions as well as show you what a person of integrity you are. I am so glad you and your mom had those great moments during her final year. A gift to both of you.

[kayc]

Audra and Anne and Mary,

Thank you. It is really neat to be able to see the journey you've been through, the process, the things you've learned, the changes. It's good to look back and read where you've come from and what you've been through sometimes. I had to smile at the good memories and remember all of the good exchanges between us, I'm very thankful to have had this time with her, and so glad she finally got some help and it enabled us to see her in another light. I didn't realize how much I would miss her.

[dustar]

Kay, I'm not sure exactly how I arrived at your post but it drew me in so I guess one can say that it was meant to be for me to find this thread. Anyway I'm posting this short note from the "Topic Summary" page.

The reason your post drew me in was because my partner who just recently died had dementia due to her diabetes. As you described your mom's mental state in her old age, I could see so many similarities. I intend to read the whole thread sometime when I can devote a half day or so just for that, then I would like to share some of my experiences that I had with my partner.

For now, I just want to extend my sympathy on the loss of your mother. Thank you for your story and take care.

[kayc]

Thank you, and I'm sorry for your loss. I lost my husband nine years ago, and my mom a couple of months ago, but previously lost my dad and grandparents and a niece and a nephew. The hardest was my husband, and I'm sure you can relate, having recently lost your partner. I'll look for your story to be posted.

[rakquel105]

Hi Kayc,

Your post is the first one I read when since I became a member of this forum. My mom died 7 years ago and yet your post reminds me of how my life went through with my mom. Her death was quite sudden because she was still very strong-willed and physically able then. I was the last child to spend time with her because I married last. For 10 years I had to provide for her and even bought a house for her but whenever she was with my other siblings she would tell them negative things about me. There was a time when I decided to leave her and be on my own because we would always fight. However, when I got married, we became friends again and she loved my daughter so much. Everyday, she would call my daughter and she was the reason why we have decided to let my mom spend christmas with us. We didn't know that it was her last christmas. The next year, she was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer at the age of 77. She died 2 weeks after the surgery. My daughter and I were privileged to serve her in the hospital and it was then that I realized she loved me more than my other siblings. This realization helped me so much while grieving for her loss.

Thanks for sharing your life with us,

[kayc]

rakquel105,

I'm glad for how things turned out with you. The parent/child relationship can be so complex! I'm glad we have a forum here where people can realize they are not alone and their grief responses are normal.

[kayc]

TIPS FOR CARING FOR A LOVED ONE WITH ALZHEIMER'S  (MAYO CLINIC)

Anyone caring for a loved one with Alzheimer’s disease very likely can relate to former first lady Nancy Reagan, who called the illness suffered by former President Reagan “a truly long, long goodbye.” Mrs. Reagan, who died March 6 at age 94, was a tireless advocate for Alzheimer’s patients and their families, recalls Mayo Clinic neurologist Dr. Ronald Petersen, who knew the Reagans well. “In many respects, Mrs. Reagan was the optimal caregiver, providing love and support for the president in a fashion similar to many other Americans whose families deal with this difficult diagnosis,” he said. In 2015, an estimated 5.3 million Americans had Alzheimer’s disease, according to the Alzheimer’s Association. As the disease progresses, once-simple tasks become difficult or impossible. Practical tips can help your loved maintain a sense of independence and dignity. To limit challenges resulting from Alzheimer’s: Schedule wisely: Establish a routine to make each day more predictable and less confusing. Schedule the most difficult tasks, such as bathing or medical appointments, for the time of day when your loved one is most calm. Adapt your routine, as needed: For example, if your loved one insists on wearing the same outfit every day, consider buying a few identical outfits. When your loved one is bathing, switch the worn outfit for a clean one. Take your time: Expect things to take longer than they once did. Schedule more time to complete tasks, so you don’t need to hurry your loved one. Involve your loved one: Allow your loved one to do as much as possible with the least amount of assistance. For example, perhaps your loved one can dress alone if you lay out the clothes in the order they go on. Limit choices: The fewer the options, the easier it is to decide. For example, provide two outfits to choose between — not a closet full of clothes. Eliminate belts or accessories that are most likely to be put on incorrectly. Reduce distractions: Turn off the TV and minimize distractions at mealtime and during conversations so your loved one can better focus on the task at hand. To keep your loved one with Alzheimer’s safe: Prevent falls: Avoid scatter rugs, extension cords and any clutter that could cause your loved one to trip or fall. Install handrails or grab bars in critical areas. Use locks: Install locks on cabinets that contain anything potentially dangerous, such as medicine, alcohol, guns, toxic cleaning substances, dangerous utensils and tools. Check water temperature: Lower the thermostat on the hot-water heater to prevent burns. Take fire safety precautions: Keep matches and lighters out of reach. If your loved one smokes, make sure he or she does so with supervision. Have an accessible fire extinguisher and smoke alarms with fresh batteries

The Register Guard 03/14/16