Not Sure Where To Post This

[mfh]

Oh, Kay...bless your heart. It is bad enough to be sleepless and exhausted without dealing with a visit to your mom and yet I totally understand you going, of course. I hope it is an easy and fairly short visit for you and that you sleep tonight.

Peace to your heart,

Mary

[enna]

Dear Kay,

I hope your visit went as well as could be expected. Why so little sleep? I wish you did not have such a long commute especially during the winter. You are in my thoughts. Anne

[kayc]

I have no idea why I couldn't sleep the night before last. I needed an "off" button to turn my racing mind off! Last night I slept like a log, although the alarm came way too soon and I still don't feel caught up...perhaps tonight.

The visit with my mom went well. I felt bad because I burst out loud laughing when she announced at dinner that she is 242 years old. The look across her face said she knew she'd said something amiss and she asked if that was wrong. I told her she's 90, 30 years older than me, but perhaps she feels 242. I didn't mean to laugh, it just caught me off guard. The paranoia and delusions are the worst part of this, she thinks everyone is against her, writing her nasty letters, etc. (people in there)...it wouldn't help to point out that most of them can't write any more. I just listen and hug her, what else can I do? She has no sense of time, she thought it was a long time since she saw me and I told her (again) that I come see her every Monday. I told her she can look at the sign out sheet if she wonders how long it's been. Maybe I'll start sending her cards inbetween. Most of the time if we try to call her, she doesn't answer, because she's in the common area instead of her room, but I take that as a good sign.

[kayc]

I took my mom out again last night...she is so lost. Sometimes I don't know what to say, so I just listen or hug her. She says she doesn't understand what is going on. Her visit with the doctor for her paranoia didn't do any good, wouldn't you know she'd be on her best behavior and in good spirits, a rarity, so the doctor didn't see her usual display of paranoia. Sometimes I wonder if she can/does control her responses to hide it from people (just not us). What a waste, we were really hoping they'd put her on something that might lessen the effects. Her paranoia continues to be her greatest problem, even more than the memory loss and confusion.

[kayc]

Thursday evening I took my mom out. It may be the last time. It's getting too difficult. She spent most of the time in the bathroom. She has problems but refuses to wear Depends, and even went so far as to cut the "stuffing" out so "they'd fit better". Her mind is just gone. She is hallucinating. She thinks a man at her Dementia Care Center beat up on her and "caused her to have a gallon of diarrhea and shake". Nothing makes any sense or correlates. She has no bruises. He's a sweet harmless old man that sits on the couch and holds a baby doll every day. Even when she was berating him in front of everyone, so nastily, he simply said, "Let her have her say. Let her have her say." I tried to point that out to her and she said she hadn't heard him and I replied, "You were too busy accusing him." I don't know, my mom is just a nasty person, always has been, always will be. She has severe Paranoia, delusions, negativity, and it is so difficult to be around. I'll come visit her for a short time there, but I don't think I want to try taking her out any more. I can't have dinner with her there because it puts me on the road way too late, their dinner isn't until 6 or 7 at night and I have a two hour drive ahead of me, have to walk the dog, and then be up before 5 am the next day. It's just too hard.

My mom was talking suicide. She does this for attention. She used to do it when I was a teenager. I wondered then why I had to be the parent. I resented her putting me into the situation she did. I decided to report it and ignore it. The best way I know of for responding to someone who tries to manipulate others through their bad behavior is not to give in to it. If it doesn't give them the desired attention they hope for, they usually let it go for a while until they try again.

I didn't see that it helped her that I was there. It didn't encourage her. It didn't lift her spirits. Instead she tried to draw me into her negativity. Maybe I need to see her less often, I don't know. I've spent 60 years trying to figure out the best way to deal with her, always trying to find a balance...not to let her get her talons in, but not to forsake her either. It's a hard balancing act.

I'm thinking the "good days" are past.

[Miss Ngu]

Dear Kay -- I learn from your strength, determination, and devotion. I am sorry thatI have no insight to give you, as I have not experienced what you are going through, but please know you are in my thoughts and in my heart.

[kayc]

Miss Ngu,

Thank you for your response...it helps just to know there's someone that cares. This is not something that I can talk about with friends or coworkers, they have no clue what I'm going through. It helps to have a place here to voice myself at least and know that I am heard and that perhaps someone out there is saying a prayer...

[mfh]

Kay, there is a rather large group out here who have your back.

Peace peace peace

Mary

[MartyT]

I dare say we all care about you, Kay. You are one of our dearest and most loved members, and this lovely place would not be the same without your precious presence here. ♥

[kayc]

Thank you so much, I appreciate all of you so much! ♥♥♥

[ShanN]

Oh, Kay, bless your tender heart! I cannot imagine your pain. You have been such a support to me. Know that you are cared for while you "let go" of "good days".

Prayers and hugs to you...

[kayc]

My mom's house is nearly sold, they just have an inspection to do before it can finalize. My brother is considering disconnecting her phone because she calls incessantly and it's the same old stuff, around and around. I hate to see her cut off without a phone though, I think that really will make her feel trapped. I told him to answer at his discretion and take the phone off the hook at night. I wish there was a way to block her at night only because we all have young adult children and don't want to be unavailable should they need us. Even as nasty as she is, I still care about her. Funny, all she ever did was the regimental things (cooking, cleaning, etc.), she didn't attend any of our events (solos, sports, awards, etc.). She didn't encourage us or offer us any advice. She didn't take care of me when my daughter was born. I can't even write the things we went through growing up with her or some of the things since. But now she's just a pitiful old woman, very tiny and fragile looking. She's someone who never had peace in her life, always intense, full of anxiety and stress...and she creates most of it herself. She never wanted for money, never had to hold down a job, always had someone to take care of her and meet her needs. It's odd that she's actually had it good and never realized or appreciated it. Her own worst enemy. So how do I "be there for her"? How can I help her? Even visiting doesn't seem to help her any more. Sometimes I think all she wants is someone to listen and that's the hardest thing to give in her state of mind. Ahh well, sometimes the dearest gift we can give is the hardest...

[mfh]

Kay, I have been thinking about the helplessness you feel with your mom. It was one of the toughest challenges for me when Bill was so bad nothing I did helped. Previous to that stage I could wrap myself around him and hold him and that soothed him but then there came a time when I could barely diff at all reach him. I would still hold him but he thrashed a lot. If you feel all your mom wants is to be listened to, then that is what you do..BUT...for brief periods...a few minutes and then a break. Does music help her? I am sorry you have to have this sorrow. I respect how you care for her. Many would walk away. But your mom has also had a hard life...and you are the kind of person who would still reach out to her.

Peace

Mary

[kayc]

My mom doesn't sit still, never has, she is an extremely distraught anxious person. Oddly enough, no doctor has ever diagnosed her anxiety disorder...yet all of us kids are WELL aware of it! Mostly, doctors just want to get her out the door rather than being concerned about diagnosing and helping her...she is not a very pleasant person...and yet she has also been very good at putting on a good front when she feels she needs to (not around us kids but around professionals). It shows us she does have some degree of control and choice when she wants to use it.

I feel my mom needs to be heard, the only meaningful gift I can give her is to listen. But if my brother disconnects her phone, it will cut off an avenue of support to her. I understand his reasons, I just feel sad by it. Ahh well, I guess even this too I must let go of. I can be there to visit her in good weather, but not in bad. Since she doesn't remember and has no sense of time, it is probably me that will feel the worst about it and not her.

[mfh]

Kay, these are difficult times and decisions. Cutting off your mom's phone is a tough call but it appears it might be done. I agree that this is all about letting go and doing what one can do and self care. It was difficult for me to leave Bill with a caregiven the few hours a week I did that. I knew he preferred that I was there...he got quite needy at the end..and I would say to him, "I know you do not want me to leave but I am going to get groceries....." As usual he would just hug me and smile. Even in the late stages he wanted me to be happy. I was soooo spoiled. All you can do is give her the gift of listening when you can, Kay. I know it is hard, believe me.

Peace to your heart as you give so much

Mary

[kayc]

Every time I have seen my mom this month, it has been very negative. I've decided to cut back for my own peace of mind...I will call her more, mail her hand made cards, but visit less often...she doesn't remember anyway and has no sense of time, but it is just so hard hearing her toxic waste.

A friend of mine gave me some advice that may help me with her...he said to visualize a waterfall...while her words are coming out, let them spew out, down the waterfall, let them flow out to the ocean (or sewer), let them go, keep picturing the waterfall, words flowing down and away. I will practice this next time.

[mfh]

Kay, I am so sorry these visits have been so tough. I think it is wise of you to honor your own needs and alternate visits with calls and cards. I do like the visual of her words washing down a waterfall...maybe being cleansed as they go down....Peace be to your heart.

Mary

[kayc]

This weekend it's her 91st birthday...I am sending a card and letting two of my sisters take her to see our other sister (she's quadriplegic), who hasn't seen my mom for over 20 years, and decided not to feel obligated to go myself (she doesn't do well with too many people at once anyway). I bought her the breath mints she wants, to take in next time I see her. We can't get her gifts, we've all tried and she sends us out with them, she is very nasty about presents. I know, it doesn't make sense, but nothing about her does. The one gift I can give her that she does want is my attention, but I have to dole that out so it doesn't do me in. Yes, waterfalls...

[mfh]

Yes, waterfalls....of anger and hostility from her mouth and probably tears from your ryes on occasion. You are a good woman...reaching out when many would walk away. You won't regret your choices.

Peace and love

Mary

[kayc]

I guess I do love her, I just wish she could have been more normal. And if she knew the reality she'd wish it too, but she's so far in denial she'll never see her way out. Still, there's hope for her in the next life, maybe then I can have the mom I wanted here.

[mfh]

I agree, Kay, heaven is, IMHO, a state of pure love and your mom will be waiting with open arms. We both know life has been hell for her as well as her children. I repeat...you are a good woman.

Peace

Mary

[enna]

Dear Kay, you never cease to amaze me. I love your positive attitude with life. I am so sorry that your mom has suffered. I cannot imagine it. You constantly find ways to remove from your mind the hurtful things she does and at the same time you know when you have to back off. I truly believe that George has a hand in this - guiding you gently in your stryggles.You are always close to my heart. Anne

[kayc]

George was better able to handle her than anyone else, his compassion was amazing, I truly miss him!

[feralfae]

Dear Kay,

You are doing so remarkably well with handling all of the parts of your life. With love, gentleness, and wonderful insight into yourself, too.

Yes, I am sure George has his hand and spirit in all that you do. You two have not lost your connection. It is wonderful that you can see the love, and have hope for the future, and be able to spend time with your mother. I am glad you are taking care of you through all of this. Be gentle with you. Be loving and kind to you.

I know you are.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

I got an email from my brother yesterday morning, my mom was in the hospital to get the battery replaced on her pacemaker. I wanted to talk to her before she went into surgery, but she was back in her room before I even learned about it! I was surprised how worried I felt for her, as I know her future being what it is, she'd probably be better off going...but finding I don't quite want to let go of her yet...that surprised me. I never felt close to her, she's a pretty bizarre person, she always caused problems all around her, all her life, yet she can have her sweet moments...you just can't count on them. Anyway, I was able to get ahold of her after being transferred four times, and she asked if I knew who she was! I laughed inside at that...her typical dementia showing itself. Something about it made me smile, maybe because for a moment I forgot how she is now and it startled me back to reality. But she made it through, hell, I don't know why I worry, I'm sure she's going to outlive all of us just to be around to torment us! (I'm sorry if that offends anyone...my family has always coped with humor and I know it can be morbid sometimes).