Not Sure Where To Post This

[feralfae]

Oh, Kay, I love your humor, wry and witty.

I think it is hard to let go of parents, no matter how they might have behaved. I sometimes think we keep hoping that somehow, a miracle will happen, things will be made all right, and we will finally get the Mother or Father we wanted and needed. Even if they are slightly loopy, I think we hope.

It is wonderful that you can keep your sense of humor about the situation, and laugh at it sometimes. I find laughter is one of my best healers.

Another piece of this journey for you, dear Kay. I am beginning to realize, from reading recent posts here, that this life business ends in loss, every time. I just wish someone would let ME make up the schedule!!! I guess that is not a part of Life. One more thing over which we have no control. Sigh. Like breathing.

I love that you can stand outside of the situation, wisely see the humor in this human comedy, and express it so well that I am smiling with you.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[mfh]

I was surprised how worried I felt for her, as I know her future being what it is, she'd probably be better off going...but finding I don't quite want to let go of her yet...that surprised me. I never felt close to her... But she made it through, hell, I don't know why I worry, I'm sure she's going to outlive all of us just to be around to torment us!

Kay, first of all, I think it is wonderful that you would take lunch to your neighbor after the week you have had. But I am not surprised.

Second, of course you don't want to let go of your mother. No matter what, she is your mother and you know she does not/ did not do the tough stuff totally on purpose.... When my dad died (a tough relationship with him) I found it more difficult than when my mom died in some ways because the relationship WAS tough...regrets that I had never had a father like I wanted to have...only on his deathbed hours before he died did he say he was sorry for hurting me. I was grateful, of course. I may be wrong but your relationship with your mom has to leave you with such a hodge podge of feelings... and we always hope that "this time we see them we will get what we need" and I do not care how old we are when it happens. It is not about age. I hope you will continue to share your feelings about all this as you walk this last chapter with her. I will certainly be here for you and I know everyone else is also.

Peace and love,

Mary

[kayc]

Mary, how insightful you are...and I can tell you've been through it. Actually, everything you said, I did feel and have been through but don't really feel that way now, I'm okay with things. I used to resent God for giving me a mom like her and other people got great ones, but I don't feel that way any more. I have learned so much through my experiences that I wouldn't have learned had I not had them. If I'd had a different mom, I wouldn't be me, the me that I am now. I wouldn't have the same responses or know the same things or have the same degree of compassion for others. In other words, He knows what we need and what He has for us to learn and somehow I feel He chooses us to go on the path or journey He charts out for us, He has certain things in mind for us. This life has been so unpredictable (thank God I couldn't have predicted it!) and has it's phases, dips, and turns. But what a rich (if often painful) journey it has been! I have learned it's okay to love my imperfect mother, it's been okay to forgive her. It's okay to withhold judgment and leave that to the One that knows more than I do. It doesn't mean I've agreed with anything or liked it, it just means quite simply, I leave her to Him in His all knowing grace and mercy.

To all the children (adult and otherwise) everywhere who have suffered at the hands of a mother, a father, a spouse, a sibling, a stranger, a friend...yes, we can release them and take with us what we learn through the journey.

[mfh]

Kay, I absolutely understand that. I actually am grateful for my childhood. I had a mom who loved me unconditionally and her last words to anyone on this earth were words spoken to me of concern of what would happen to us (sister, brother, me) if she died. My dad was an alcoholic...a great man when he was not drunk, which was not often. He abused me but because of that I grew and became perceptive and developed my intuition (it was my safety) and helped hundreds of abused women over the years as a clinician. My dad would do anything for anyone and did. He helped everyone in the neighborhood with repairs of any kind, had his picture on the front page of the Des Moines Register putting out a fire (a KKK cross) with his bare hands, and sincerely wept (after he quit drinking-I was well into my 30s by then) when I helped him realize all the hurt he had created....It did not remove the hurt, stop the fights or the pain but I believe I have used it well. What else can we do? Who knows what kind of parent I would have been had I had children....we all have a dark side and a light side. Some just have more difficulty not acting out the darkness...for reasons that are frequently beyond our understanding and very complicated. How can I complain after having a Bill Hunt in my life for more than half my life? Most never ever ever have that joy. So many all over the world suffer far more than I did. You, also have grown and used your pain well....and I honor and learn from your trek through all that and you continue to do it. Mary

[feralfae]

Thank you Mary and Kay, for expressing so very well what I said so poorly.

It took me years and years before I could even be in the same room with my mother after I was rescued. Actually, until I was 30 or so. Then I did it, and decided I did not need to do that again. Poor woman, so ill. She is no better. I wonder sometimes how much injury was suffered by her as a child. She was very brilliant, but very mentally unstable, with a significant diagnosis.

I was so blessed to get some counseling so that I could at least function. I had the most loving, caring and compassionate mentors along the way. And as I learned recently, even old, deep wounds that I thought were healed can be opened again by grief, and the opportunity is there to heal at deeper levels. That is a part of my awe, that I can have the opportunity to heal so much more through this breaking apart of my heart. I am actually exploring around now to see if there is more I can consciously heal and release. My 28 days of Soul Coaching is most definitely helping a great deal.

Yes, I don't think we get to know the future, nor to do much more than stay on our path, and pray for loving and compassionate guidance. Which seems to flow in so freely. Even when I am being stubborn or impatient. I am on a wonderful path, and really don't have any serious complaints, other than grieving and being lonely. Things are all right.

I am still in awe that I was with Doug, and that I am his wife, and that he loved and loves me, and mostly, that we had the miracle of sharing spirits. Until I met him, I did not know such things happened to mere mortals. Truly. I think it is pretty rare. Which is why it is so wonderful and such a blessing to find you all here, gathered around this fire in this valley, sharing and caring and understanding so very well. I am fairly convinced that we are *<Angels>* here.

Someone sent the cutest email to me today. A pile of puppies and a baby, with the caption,"It's chilly in here! Put another puppy on the baby!" I thought of all the puppies, of all ages, we have here, shared through photons. Really nice. I am delighted that Arlie is so much better, and await the three week report.

Thank you both for sharing from your spirits.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[feralfae]

Dear Ones,

There is snow here, and it is blustery, and I wanted to wish you each a warm and wonderful night's sleep, helpful and healing dreams, and a peaceful path tomorrow.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

I love the "puppy on the baby" quote, that's cute!

Mary, my dad was alcoholic too. He didn't abuse me except by neglect to stand up for me. (He let his friend molest me, right in front of him, and he just had another drink). He didn't stand up for us when my mom would beat us horrifically either. But I loved my dad, I just saw him as a weak man, albeit sweet. I don't know if my my dad's drinking drove my mom crazy or if my mom drove my dad to drink, probably the latter. No, actually, although they loved each other, it wasn't really a healthy match, both very dysfunctional enablers.

[mfh]

My dad was the son of an alcoholic and my maternal grandfather, who I never knew as he died before I was born, was also an alcoholic. Thank goodness my sibs and I did not follow that path. My mom was a pretty naive woman when my parents were married and when my dad was drinking (all my childhood and early adulthood-though I was gone for the latter) she was in survival mode. She blossomed after he "dried out" (he never recovered) and after he died she eventually enjoyed life more fully. She was a loving woman but over all both parents were weak. They surely influenced my choice to be a strong person. Sleep well tonight and I hope your boss does not lose any more documents. Mary

[kayc]

My boss denied moving anything but promised to leave the new papers loose in the book for me to put in. I hate to be rigid, but gosh, I spent all day on this yesterday, no breaks and working at a fast pace!

[kayc]

I saw my mom Tues. night, she had a pretty good night, that was good. I'm trying to learn to accept whatever comes, good or bad. When I took her back to the care center, she clearly did not want left there, that was hard, I felt like I shut the door on her, you can't know how that felt. I'm so sorry she's in this state of mind (paranoia) and doesn't understand anything because she still experiences the emotions that go with it, real or imagined. I wish she could be out of this.

[MartyT]

I'm so sorry, too, Kay, and No ~ I cannot imagine how difficult, painful and challenging this must be for you. How I wish your mother knew what an earthly angel she has for a daughter, and how blessed she is to have you in her life. You are such a special lady, dear Kay. ♥

[kayc]

I have to share something I thought was cute. I called my mom on Easter and wished her a Happy Easter. "Oh, is it?" she said. Then she went on for 1/2 hour about how cold she was. I told her I'd bring her a couple of pairs of leggings to wear under her clothes, to help her keep warm. At the end of the conversation, she said, "Happy.....Goodbye!" and she hung up. She remembered there was something to be happy about but couldn't remember what, so just ended it. I thought it was so cute! I thought she did good to remember that much!

I went to see her Monday night and she was right, it was cold in there, even though a beautiful warm day outside. They have the air conditioning cranked up and no way for her to turn it off to her room! I complained to the head of the place but it did no good, she just said it's a central unit and they can't control it. Probably set to a government regulated setting and of course that has nothing to do with common sense. Our world is so regulated and nonsensical. These poor old people! The best she can do is keep layering, but it just doesn't make sense.

[feralfae]

Dear Kay,

You have so much going on in your life even now. You are a very loving giver and nurturer, and I hope you are taking enough time for your own peace and healing, your own health and rest, to stay in balance. But you seem to be pretty aware of things, so I am trusting you to take care of yourself all the time.

Your poor Mother! The regulations for settings of temperature, light, noise, and other things do not take into account the human factor, but are often set by lobbyists who have a vested interest in seeing that things work to their advantage, I am sorry to say. Greed is so rampant in our culture. I sometimes think the driving force of so many corporations and government entities is based entirely on greed and manipulating situations to enhance profits.

I have taken the day off, because I was just too tired and sort of shaky to go in to work today. The genetic family of Doug has reared its ugly head again, hence the paperwork and stuff. I am just about worn down and ready to throw in the towel, but I am not a good martyr. Or saint. But I needed to NOT be in the office today with all the anger among our staff. So I am hiding out at home, hoping to find my center and some peace before I tackle any more of this scurrilous bunch. Sorry to unload here.

You take care of you, and keep up the rest, peaceful times, and Arlie play!

Much Love,

fae

[mfh]

Kay, I feel badly that your mom is cold. The elderly get cold more easily as you know and on top of that the temperature is too low. I hope they get the heat up soon. I taught, in my teaching years, in an air conditioned school and every year we went through the transition time where we were still on AC whe we needed heat and the same story...we can't do anything about it as the kids hands were so cold they could not hold a pencil, that was close to 42 years ago. gosh, I AM old. Anyway, it is a bad feeling to be cold so I wonder if a SAFE space heater would help...one that turns off if tipped. Just a thought. Probably disallowed but a thought.

Mary

[feralfae]

Mary, you bring up the perfect point, though: solutions that will work.

Is she allowed to have some down slippers, a down robe, a warm and cozy cap? Doug wore a tartan nightcap in the hospital because he would get so cold. And I brought extra thermal undershirts for him as well.

Kay, maybe there are some creative ways to help your mom stay warmer. Or, knowing you, dear one, you have probably already done all these things, and I am way behind the curve.

Mary, both of my daughters are more than 40, so I am up there with you, almost. I'll be 67 next January. But in my family, we live to be around 100, so I figure I have time for a few more adventures. Same for everyone here, I believe.

It is just that we must make this journey to get back into life enough to pack the bag and get out of town. As Doug used to say all the time about climbing adventures.

My goddaughter had emergency surgery today because of sudden, severe hemorrhaging, and the surgery was successful and they were able to take only the uterus, which had large fibroid tumors. Her husband was home, and she made it to the hospital in time, and was in surgery soon after. We are all feeling incredibly blessed. She will be released to go home tomorrow or Sunday. But she is fine. Everything is all right. Please keep her in your prayers if you are a prayer. Of course, you are all prayers, and don't you love the double meaning?

I think I need a hot bath.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

I brought her leggings for that purpose and she does layer tops/jackets. When I arrived she was in a nightgown, robe, and slippers. I've brought her tons of socks as well. Space heaters not allowed.

Don't worry, Mary, taking time for ME, right now!

[kayc]

I went to take my mom out last night and she put on five coats even though it was in the 80s...they made her change and she said they were bossy. She says she doesn't hear from her kids and I reminded her how far away they live and they have to work. This is such a hard disease, it diminishes their capacity for understanding and they have no concept of time, everything becomes about them. How I pray I don't get this someday!

[mfh]

Kay, I know this is so hard. And so unique to each person. I remember Bill about 5-7 weeks before he died. He was in the hospital and in a special walker moving it up and down the hall over and over and over and over again until he was too exhausted to move. Attempts to stop him failed and he looked at me as if he had no clue who I was or what was wrong but called me Mary and knew I was his wife. We had to give him something to calm him but that took a bit of time to take effect. The thought of it is devastating just as you are experiencing your mother's path through this and its effects on you. I am so sorry.

Mary

[kayc]

Mary,

You know it's what I don't say, not what I do say, that is hard...you've been there.

Last night my mom said she didn't like (my sister). I said, "you used to like her" and she said "well I don't now". It would do no good to ask why, she doesn't have a reason and will make up something if she thinks she needs to, so I just let it go.

When my mom said she doesn't need my help, I said "Melissa says we're all like that" and then "I think she's probably right!" (Melissa's my daughter). I try to use humor as much as I can, and listen, and show caring, I don't know what more to do. I can't change anything...

[mfh]

I do know Kay. You are doing all anyone could do in this situation. Asking questions gets you nowhere...just be with her and enter her world. That is all one can do. I am sorry this is so hard. Mary

[kayc]

Watching my mom going downhill rather rapidly, mentally. She's aware of it, that's the sad part. I asked her if she'd seen Jonathan (her grandson) on Mother's Day...she said "Oh yes, he's just like the two other dogs!" ??? I'm learning to not even try to make sense of most of what she says. Sometimes you can figure it out, sometimes it's just off the wall. I've noticed her reaching for words and getting different ones, it's just not there any more. When I first talked with her, she didn't remember going out on Mother's Day at all, then she changed it to my brother took her to his house. It's weird how memory can drift in and out so quickly. She's starting to seem a little less combative, maybe because she's forgetting the alleged "offenses" she imagines with her Paranoia. If so, that could be a silver lining. But I've heard that Lewy Bodies Dementia can escalate into violence, so we're kind of prepared for anything to happen. Sometimes I wish I could take her home, but I have to work and I don't see how I could do it alone, with no help...living where I do, it's hard to get the help one gets in a city. And there's the safety aspect, it scares me the thought of her setting a building on fire or something. She doesn't just have Dementia, she has other mental illnesses as well so her perception and thus her acting on it can't be trusted. It's good to have her in a safe place where she's being cared for.

[mfh]

Just before I saw this post, Kay , I read this piece. I still find myself reading about the disease Bill had (Alzheimer's and Lewy Body). This piece is pretty real.

http://www.alzheimers.net/resource/2013-05-15/saying-goodbye-proces/

[kayc]

Thank you, Mary. I find my mom's situation unique because of her other mental illnesses that she's had all her life. It's always been difficult to carry on a meaningful conversation with her, we were never allowed to express ourselves so mostly just listened and most of it was just drivel/ranting. I have, over the years, though, learned to pick out what was good, and save it in my memory. Once in a while there would be a tidbit, a little morsel...a memory of her childhood, or something funny, a thought or feeling. And like most kids, I wish I'd learned more about our family history...my grandfather was quite the family historian, and he's long gone now. How I wish I'd paid more attention when I was young!

Right now my focus is more on making my mom feel cared about, attending her needs. It's impossible to say how this will go, how long it will last, etc. It can last a very long time. And we have no way of knowing when it started because it's hard saying which was Dementia, and which was her other mental illnesses. But she hasn't been even close to being "sound" for many many years now. It just is what it is.

[hockeymom]

Again, you are so very strong. I am so sorry for what you continue to go through but know that you have a great deal of support here!

[kayc]

I took my mom out last night. One of the workers met me at the door and chewed me out for not giving them advance notice (my mom knew I was coming and was ready). In the year she's been there they've never asked for advanced notice and it was put to us like it was an open door policy, they just asked we sign her out. She was more or less a witch about it.

I had a good time with my mom. But one thing saddened me, she didn't remember who George was or Don (my SIL) either. I showed her a picture of George and told her about him, she still didn't remember him, that made me so sad! But she tried to crack a joke once and that was so cute!

When I brought her back they wouldn't let me come inside, they said there was a quarantine. ??? I am kind of concerned that their policies could contribute to hiding elder abuse. I talked to my siblings about their sudden requirements. Am I being paranoid about my concerns?