Significant Quotes

[mfh]

Anne, it is, indeed, about letting go but that does not mean not remembering or not thinking about or moving on. IMHO letting go means that our grief does not control our lives and that takes time before we get there.... and I do believe we die a little on this journey...and transform over time.

Just saw this on FB (my worker just left for lunch and I continue to organize my pc-can't concentrate to read or paint...Bentley is sleeping at my feet, of course. Has no clue why the house changed. This is a dog that barks at changes...but he is taking it well.

Transcending Loss: Understanding the lifelong impact of grief Some people are tempted to shut down their grief, put it in a box, and stuff it in the back of the closet. There is a price to pay by avoiding grief. You might get sick, both emotionally and physically. Instead, seek the balance of letting grief in and also having a rest from the feelings. Take it in 'doses' so that the feelings are being faced rather than avoided. Your health depends on it.

[MartyT]

Anne, my dear, I think of "letting go" not as letting go of the one we love who has died, but rather as letting go of the pain that accompanies that loss. Such letting go takes time, endurance and great patience, but it can be done.

I share these beautiful quotations with you in hopes that they may help:

The heart of grief,its most difficult challenge, is not "letting go" of those who have died but instead making the transition from loving in presence to loving in separation. ~ Thomas Attig, in The Heart of Grief: Death and the Search for Lasting Love

What does “letting go” mean? This phrase is often misunderstood. Does it mean forgetting, letting go of our memories? Not at all. Does it mean letting go of a relationship with our deceased loved ones? No! Our relationship is changed, not ended. “Letting go” refers to the time in our healing journey when we are ready to gently open our tightly closed fists. In doing so we let go of our pain. We do not need it anymore.

Take both hands and close your fists tightly. Hold them closed as tightly as you can and then open them as wide as you can. Can you feel the difference as you open and let go? Can you feel the release?

We gradually realize that we neither need nor want what we have been holding on to – guilt, depression, sadness, anger, fear, powerlessness – whatever pain we have used as a connection to our loved one or as a way of protecting ourselves from further hurt. We might even make the decision that we will never, ever love someone again, so that when someone gets close to us, we do something to push them away. However, one day we may come to realize that we do not want or need this particular connection or protection. We have our memories and our bond with our loved one. In fact, to hold on to it fiercely would only ruin our lives. Our holding on would make us bitter, not better. This realization that we can, need to, want to, must let go of our pain is like watching the sun rise or set. It is a slow, gentle, almost imperceptible process that happens day after day, just as we will continue to release our pain again and again. ~ From Grief's Courageous Journey: A Workbook, by Sandi Caplan and Gordon Lang, New Harbor Publications, Inc., Oakland CA, 1995, pp. 90-91.

. . . As the months pass and the seasons change, something of tranquility descends, and although the well-remembered footstep does not sound again, nor the voice call from the room beyond, there seems to be about one in the air an atmosphere of love, a living presence. I say this in no haunting sense; ghosts and phantoms are far from my mind. It is as though one shared, in some indefinable manner, the freedom and the peace, even at times the joy, of another world where there is no more pain. It is not a question of faith or of belief. It is not necessary to be a follower of any religious doctrine to become aware of what I mean. It is not the prerogative of the devout. The feeling is simply there, pervading all thought, all action. When Christ the healer said, “Blessed are they that mourn, for they shall be comforted,” he must have meant just this. Later, if you go away, if you travel, even if you decide to make your home elsewhere, the spirit of tenderness, of love, will not desert you. You will find that it has become part of you, rising from within yourself; and because of it you are no longer fearful of loneliness, of the dark, because death, the last enemy, has been overcome. ~ Daphne du Maurier

Instead of letting go of our attachment as we grieve, we can make the mistake of grasping on to the deceased person even more strongly. Halfway through the second year after my husband's death, the cycles of intense pain and sadness were continuing, and I felt a fresh fear that my grief would never finish. Part of me wanted to ignore this intense pain returning month after month, to push it down and avoid it all together. Yet I suspected that repressing my own pain would not help in the long run either, so I decided to bring more awareness to my situation.

I asked myself if I was doing anything that might be prolonging the mourning process.

Then I uncovered the secret thoughts I was generating each time I felt deep sadness and pain: I can't live without you. I hate being alone. I want you back.There was so much grasping in my mind, so many wishes that could never be satisfied! If I continued to think and feel this way, I realized, there would be no end to my grief and despair. It was clear that I needed to replace my grasping with a new way of thinking: I am letting you go and wishing you well. I am going to survive and be strong. I am going to make a new life for myself. When I felt the deep pain and sadness rising again, I began practicing letting go in this way. After a few months of taking this approach, my process of mourning finished. ~ Christine Longaker, in Facing Death and Finding Hope: A Guide To The Emotional and Spiritual Care Of The Dying

[kayc]

Very well explained. But still, I hated that term when I was fresh in my grief.

[mfh]

Kay, I do not like it either...but at some point (over time and slowly) we let go of the gut wrenching pain while simultaneously acknowledging it when it comes up. I just do not want pain to rule my life forever... and at this point it is not ruling my life but it comes up easily, is always there, and sometimes wipes me out. I do not want it to be the ground on which I stand...I also know I will always feel the pain of losing Bill off and on and even in the background always. It is ok with me. I do not want to completely let go of the pain as I see it as that which allows me to feel compassion and empathy and denying it does not seem right either.... Delicate line there. Grief and gratitude...joy and pain....I feel we can own it all. Mary

[enna]

Thank you, Mary for your reply to my quote. The part about 'shutting down our grief'is important to me. I thought I was dealing with my grief in doses and letting the feelings come when they will - since my health scare I have resented that this has come at a time when I want to only be present to the loss of my Jim. I feel cheated that now I have to think of myself instead of Jim. Oh, I think of Jim only now I have something thrown in that only makes me upset. Usually, I would suck it up and do what I have to do, but these last days I have found myself being very negative. I am trying to pull myself out of it.

Kay, I agree with you - I hate the phrase 'letting go'! I think after reading Marty's response I'm beginning to see the phrase in a different light.

[enna]

Dear Marty, I do so need to work on the 'endurance and great patience' aspect of 'letting go'!!! Patience has NEVER been one of my virtues. I'll no doubt be working on it while I'm waiting to be processed in to wherever I'm going.

I love Thomas Attig's writings. I do understand about holding on to memories. I don't know if I'll ever be able to open my fists and feel the release of my pain during my lifetime but it is something to work on and perhaps the pain will deminish.

I appreciate the other quotes but I will have to spend time reading them to understand them. Right now, I am trying to move out of the darkness a little for I do know that I have so many, many things to be grateful and happy about.

Anne

[mfh]

Anne, you are welcome. I missed a beat, however. You said: "The part about 'shutting down our grief is important to me' " I do not know where your quote says that. help.

Maybe instead of trying to pull yourself out of the 'negative' space you walk into it...and see what you find there. Just a thought. The only way around it is through it sort of thing. That has been one of my biggest struggles...allowing myself to be where I am at. I am pretty good at it now but it was a huge struggle...and I learned that by allowing ALL my feelings...the tough ones dissipated after they got their air time.

You got dealt a tough hand with all the health issues, appointments, tests, classes and more coming right now. I think I learned that the things that happen as we grieve are also part of the journey...that may not make sense but it is what is happening and so I try to use those things to grow also. I am thinking back to month 3-car accident, month 4-pneumonia, month 7- fall with breaking fingers and torn rotator cuff, month 5 or so-flu/cold. I tried to just roll with all of them. I know I did not succeed 100%. Maybe this health issue is a gift horse in disguise in that it forced your doctors to get the right Dx. I know that does not take away the feeling of being cheated...and I don't intend to try to do that. I just wanted to share how I tried to see the health things that I had to deal with and felt cheated also that I was distracted by minor (not major like you) health issues.

I agree that Marty's explanation of 'letting go' is helpful. I think we grieve forever but the gut wrenching pain at some point begins to dissipate and then we finally can let go of it. I am not there but I am on the road to that destination and have little successes.

Sleep well. I am up if you want to chat.

Mary

[enna]

The quote you mentioned about 'shutting down' is from your response to me, Mary. I was trying to say that it is important to me NOT to shut down as different obstacles enter our paths as we move through our grief. It is not in my nature to be negative so I struggle with the negative thoughts instead of letting them just be or accept them.

Another quote I found today:

“Wounding and healing are not opposites. They're part of the same thing. It is our wounds that enable us to be compassionate with the wounds of others. It is our limitations that make us kind to the limitations of other people. It is our loneliness that helps us to to find other people or to even know they're alone with an illness. I think I have served people perfectly with parts of myself I used to be ashamed of. ”
― Rachel Naomi Remen

I like the idea that 'wounding and healing are not opposites.' Anne

[kayc]

I received this in my email today, I thought it was thought provoking...

On this day of your life, Kay, I believe God wants you to know...

...that the reason you are on the planet has very little to

do with what you spend most of your time on.

Maybe you might rearrange your priorities just a bit,

paying more attention to your soul...do you think?

When was the last time you meditated for even a half

hour? Or sat down for a good long read of something

spiritual and inspiring?

Are you talking to God every day? Might you make

the conversations just a little bit longer...?

-Neale Donald Walsh

[mfh]

Anne, I so agree...it is important not to shut down and learning how to balance/juggle distracting ourselves as needed from allowing our pain has been tricky for me...especially in the early days when the pain was all I was.

I LOVE this quote you posted.

Another quote I found today:

“Wounding and healing are not opposites. They're part of the same thing. It is our wounds that enable us to be compassionate with the wounds of others. It is our limitations that make us kind to the limitations of other people. It is our loneliness that helps us to to find other people or to even know they're alone with an illness. I think I have served people perfectly with parts of myself I used to be ashamed of. ” ― Rachel Naomi Remen

Here is a link to the author being interviewed on On Being (NPR) by Krista Tippet. I just happened to listen to this last night and it is about her living with chronic illness. I think you will like it.

http://www.onbeing.org/program/listening-generously/124

Love

Mary

[mfh]

Kay, I so agree with your quote. Thank you for that....Mary

HOW IS ARLIE??????

[kayc]

Mary, I'll put it on 4-legged...

[mfh]

[kayc]

Thank you, Mary!

[MartyT]

Transcending Loss: Understanding the lifelong impact of grief

Recovering from grief is not a matter of 'letting go' of your loved one. Quite the contrary. Living with loss means that you hold on in a new way. You live every day with your loved one in your heart, woven into your soul, surrounding you with presence. And then, you still choose to move forward living the life that is left to you.

[mfh]

This quote feels like what I am living/doing/feeling at this time...thanks, Marty.

[mfh]

This piece on adjusting to a new normal is not exactly relevant since this woman is adjusting to retirement and her husband is with her. However, it has valid points that are quite relevant to our journeys and also reinforce the value of this site.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/debbie-woodbury/coping-with-change_b_3045618.html

[MartyT]

Yes, Mary, an excellent piece. Thank you!

I especially like her statement that "Facing a 'new normal' creates stories that need to be told. Join a support group or an online community, or share with a friend who 'gets it.' The more you tell your stories, the more you take your power back and find your footing."

(The article about telling your stories is very good also.)

[mfh]

I must have forgotten to click 'post". Marty, I agree with you...that quote is what led me to post that link...in spite of the bite it has that her husband was at her side to go through her retirement....which made me hesitate. Stories can be reporting about our losses, an event upcoming like an anniversary, anything that happens on the journey. Mary

[kayc]

But even though she has her husband by her side, we can relate in that we are all going on a new section of our journey and getting a new normal defined for us.

[enna]

"being heard heals us"..... from Debbie's blog above. I like the idea of being heard so I 'get' how we go ahead and tell our stories.

[mfh]

Yes, Anne. Being heard by someone else is so different than just talking to someone who listens but does not understand or see you. That, in my opinion, is the beauty of this group where our pain is concerned. We are heard.

Peace

Mary

[kayc]

Amen to that! This is, in every sense of the word, a support group. It fills a need left void by our spouses departure...also caused by said departure.

[feralfae]

Spot on, Kay. As usual.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[mfh]

There is only one thing in the world that can stop you from achieving your dreams. It is not your ethnicity, it is not your gender, it isn't your age, it isn't a disability and it certainly isn't your current economic condition. The only thing that can stop you is the lack of your own belief in your abilities.
Stephen Hawking