2 Years Coming Up

[melina]

In just a couple of weeks, on August 5th, it will have been two years since I lost my husband to cancer. About two weeks ago we would have had our 30th wedding anniversary. This has been an emotional time for me - not sure if it's because of the dates, or just because I'm realizing more and more that life is not much fun without him.

My daily life is running okay, despite the stress of financial burdens of surviving on one income. I still have the house we moved to just one month before he died, and I've completed several of the repairs we had planned to do together. Some I've managed on my own, other things I've handed over to professional carpenters. It's still a big, old house and huge yard - too much for me really. But I can't gather up the energy to move, and I really don't want to live in an apartment. Ideally I'd live in a little house far away from neighbors, traffic and noise of all sorts. Not sure if that's a good idea though. I'm lonely enough as it is.

The loneliness and silence I meet when I come home from work or wake up on Saturday mornings knowing I have a whole weekend to get through alone can be overwhelming. Now during the summer months I have a couple of sons home from college. But come fall, I'll be alone again. Having a dog helps, but she can also be a burden, since I can never make any spontaneous plans without considering her. Loneliness is a greater burden, however. Usually I only have myself for human company - and let's face it, I'm not that interesting. When our four kids were young, I'd be thrilled for an afternoon alone. Now that aloneness is never-ending. What I wouldn't give for one day, or even one hour, with my husband. Just talking, walking in the woods, having breakfast, lying in bed together on a rainy morning.

Although I know my husband is gone, I still have these sudden aftershock moments, where it hits me: He's gone. For good. He's not coming back. In those few seconds, it's as though I'm back to square one - just days after his death - and can't believe this really happened. Why us? All our plans for the future, the trips we were going to take once the nest was empty, the things we were going to do - that's all changed - forever. I try not to think about the future. It only fills me with dread. I try not to think about the past - that just brings grief and sadness and guilt. So I try to live in the present and get through each day as best I can.

The one positive thing that's come out of all this is the self-reliance and independence I've gained. I was very dependent on my husband and didn't think I'd be able to manage on my own. Life often feels overwhelming - the house, my full-time job, extra work to make ends meet, helping my kids through college with money and pep talks, the dog. I've managed this far, though admittedly my savings are dwindling fast. I've learned quite a bit and I know I'll be okay.

I hate being alone, but the thought of dating again just doesn't appeal to me. Where would I get the energy for another person in my life? Basically I'm too sad and tired to flirt. I think I need to learn to rely completely on myself before even contemplating another relationship.

This group helped me through some very tough times. Now and then I return to this site to see how things are going. I know I need to gain a more positive perspective. I've been very angry - especially with people around me who don't seem to understand my grief. Especially now after two years - "time to get over it". But then I remember that I wasn't able to understand grief until it happened to me. I try to be patient with people who say thoughtless things with little regard for the effect it has on me. Sometimes I avoid them altogether, to protect myself. But you can't go through life entirely avoiding conversations about cancer, death, marriage, relationships, and so on. Parties are the hardest. A little alcohol, people lose their inhibitions and ask the strangest questions.

I want to be a positive person. I want to experience happiness again, some day. Maybe next year. Maybe in two years. Maybe I'll have a day of happiness, a day where I won't be thinking about the loss of my soulmate. To everyone on this lonely path - those who are just starting out or those who've been walking for a while - hang in there. Who knows what's around the corner.

Melina

[Cosel]

Melina,

I can identify with almost everything you wrote. My husband has been gone 20 months on the 14th. Our 48th anniversary was on the 17th of July. I have lived in my home

for 38 years and we had been planning on remodeling and buying new appliances. With the help of my grandson and daughter we put down new flooring and removed a wall.

I bought a new stove and new washer and dryer as we had planned. That kept me busy for the first year; the second year came around and the reality set in and I had a very difficult time with loneliness and sadness. The second year has been much harder for me.

I know what you mean about the loneliness and silence and the lonely weekends. It must be nice to have your sons home for the summer, but I know it will be really hard for you when they go back to school and you are alone again.

I would love to have someone in my life that when I walk in a room or through a door it puts a smile on their face. I would love to have someone who cares for me and wants the best for me but I don't know if that will ever happen again. At this point in my life I do not want to date. Maybe someday.

I don't like living alone but have no other choice right now.

I would love to have some happiness and joy in my life. I look forward for the happiness returning someday.

Cosel

[melina]

Cosel,

Sounds like you've been working hard to fix up your home the way you and your husband had planned.

The second year has been hard for me - but in a different way than the first. Less frantic crying, but more loneliness.

I hope there's a little happiness for all of us in the near future. I have to think there will be.

Melina

[kayc]

Melina, It's been a tough journey, it's changed us all. I can relate to the things you say. I am not always lonely, but I am lonely frequently. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed. But I am also proud of myself for handling things thus far. I never knew waiting could be so long...

[mfh]

Dear Mettelina,

Just checking in as you approach the 2nd anniversary. I will write more tomorrow but want you to know I am thinking about you...

Mary