widower Posted July 23, 2012 Report Share Posted July 23, 2012 Saw this elsewhere and thought it was worth throwing out. Clearly if you're early in the grieving process it's probably highly inadvisable, and for some perhaps "never" is the short answer (more so the older one is. generally speaking) - but for some the need for companionship is too great to ignore, despite the concern of being "out there" again and the whole goofy dating process. Anyway, I'd be interested to hear your thoughts, esp if you're thinking about it, or have done it and the good or bad of it, etc. I'm not there yet after a year but I think sooner or later I will "have" to. I'm middle-aged and not ready to spend the rest of my life alone, although obviously it might turn out that way anyway. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted July 23, 2012 Report Share Posted July 23, 2012 You might want to take a look at some of the posts in our forum, New Beginnings, here: http://hovforum.ipbh...hp?showforum=26 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lina Posted July 24, 2012 Report Share Posted July 24, 2012 I have thought about this a lot. I found myself desperately thinking about jumping into another relationship right away as though it would somehow 'fix' my heart. Thankfully I realized I need to give myself time and have made a 'no dating for the first year' rule for myself since I tend to leap into things before I think. That said I do know that eventually I will want to date again. I am not sure if I ever want to marry again, but then maybe I will. If all goes well I will have a good long while left to live and I do not want to spend all of that time alone...especially once my daughter goes off and has her own life. Right now she is only 9 years old and we spend a lot of time together, but eventually she is going to want to be away from me and this house is going to feel very lonely. My grandfather remarried after my grandmother died and honestly my mother and I were really glad he did. I tend to think that wanting another relationship is a compliment to our beloveds. Its is saying that being in a relationship with them was so wonderful we want to be in another. I also personally believe that my Arthur would want me to find love again and be happy. I just think he would want me to take my time and make sure I was finding the right person not just A person. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted July 24, 2012 Report Share Posted July 24, 2012 I, for one, wish I hadn't ventured there, but not everyone has such a bad experience as mine. Just be cautioned that there are those who would prey on the vulnerable, and the newly grieving are definitely vulnerable. Still, some have had good experiences...Gail_R remarried happily. Nats and Dave have found good relationships. It's an individual choice one should make when they are ready and with the right reasons. I don't think finding someone is a cure for missing your loved one. It takes time to get used to living alone and if you've allowed yourself ample time to adjust, you might find you don't want to remarry. There are options besides marriage, as well. My FIL was widowed after 40 years of marriage and he fell in love with someone who didn't want to remarry. They became companion/friends for the duration of his life, about 22 years. They lived in their separate households but they were there for each other, and spent a lot of time together. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne E Posted July 24, 2012 Report Share Posted July 24, 2012 This is a topic that has been mentioned to me by many people. A couple of "friends" suggested dating to me not even a month after Dick's death. Another sweet lady was quite sure I would get along great with her son.......and his divorce is almost final!!! Really???? The whole idea is just more than I can even imagine. Scares the hell out of me actually. My Mother died when she was 49 years old. My Father married within the year. The person he chose was 6 months older than me. It was a decision he always regretted, but he just could not deal with the loneliness. I do not want to live the rest of my live with regrets. The thought of sharing my personal space with another man is just not appealing. I can not imagine a man in my bedroom!!! I have a real problem with the thought of enduring the loss of someone with whom I have made a life commitment. It is more than I can imagine. I am pretty certain I would not survive another experience like what Dick and I went through trying to keep him alive. Also, I have not been able to figure out who I am currently. I have not made much headway on sorting out a direction or purpose for the rest of my life. I think I need to spend some time doing that. AND, when I go out in the community, to church, shopping, etc., etc., I look at men who "look at" me and think. URP! Guess I truly am not ready to think about the concept of dating. Anne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
widower Posted July 25, 2012 Author Report Share Posted July 25, 2012 Hope to reply more fully later but for now just want to say great replies all, each in their own way. This is why I come here. Well that and to rant. Hang in there, all of you. I think we're all pretty much in agreement on this one. If it feels right, why not? But if not, or if not ready, don't rush it. Certainly it's no "quick fix" (or "fix" at all) for grieving or filling that void. PS I guess I should answer - I have no interest currently but think I will sooner or later. I know she can't be replaced to put it mildly, but I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone. I've had way too much of that already. I'll settle for someone "good enough" if I must (within reason that is.......ie won't settle for just anyone). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cheryl Posted July 25, 2012 Report Share Posted July 25, 2012 Dating is not the answer for gettiing over grief. Most grief counselors will caution the bereaved to wait until the pain has deminished and you are in a place to rejoin the world. We all know that during the thickest blackest days of grief we are not good companions! For me I know that I could not date solely out of loneliness. I needed to be at a place where I was capable of giving again. The timing is different for everyone. It took my 2 1/2 years before I felt ready. I can say that dating has been the best part of my healing process. But it is the culmination of alot of prior work. The one thing that upset me the most was when people would tell me, "Mark would want you to be happy again." or "You shouldn't feel guilty". Dating wasn't about guilt or doing what Mark would want for me! It was about being capable of being apart of something very special again. The only way to get to that point is to allow yourself to grieve what you have lost. Get the pain out and get to a spot where your loss has turned into growth and strength. And you don;t have to date in order to be apart of the world again. Infact I feel that the best way to meet anyone is to just live your life and let it happen organicaly. It's amazing how the law of attraction works. People pickup on your strengths if you are living life to the fullest on your own and by yourself. Who wants a needy sad widow/widower anyways! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dave s Posted July 25, 2012 Report Share Posted July 25, 2012 Anne enjoyed your post, can sense your Ks accent in your writing, yes Kansans have an accent, didnt realize it until living around the world and throughout the the Western USA! Cheryl I ditto what you have said and your experiences with others, my experience though is unique as is all of our stories......I think it is fair to say since Mike has died I have felt an extreme spiritual tie to him...and am reminded of all the statements he made towards the end "I have to find you someone" repeatedly I asked him not to speak of this as we were to have so much more time! Alas this was not meant to be....and his sister continued with this plan.....until I met someone on line,who for some reason......stuck with me through all of this..Ed has really been stubborn and has done all he could to support me through this, thus a beautifull friendship...and love has developed!!!Ed doesnt appear to be threatened by Mike.....a wonderfull thing!! Someone once told me that joy and sorrow can coexist......unfortunately though.....I have found that sorrow overrules joy....but as time progresses am finding that joy can overrule sorrow.......it continues at times to be a tricky balancing act! but have held onto that thought many times, as I struggle to heal...it has helped...Many thanks to that person on our line for telling me that! Anyhow the time will come for us all....to be in a position to find a new love, whether that be another person or another purpose in life, yes it is cliche to state that our loves would want this.... but I deeply feel that they do, as painfull as it can be to think about.....I also miss my old life, and struggle on a regular basis with what has happened......but....am so gratefull that I took a chance on another love! My thoughts and Best Wishes! Dave Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne E Posted July 25, 2012 Report Share Posted July 25, 2012 Listen here Dave. I happen to have a very strange accent, not just a Kansas accent. I was raised by a VERY Southern mother and we moved all over the U.S. because our Dad was a pilot in the Air Force. (quite a bit of the time was spent in the South) Dick used to say he could always tell if I was angry, excited, stressed, etc., because my southern accent would become more prominent! So.....Good Night Ya'll. Anne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dave s Posted July 25, 2012 Report Share Posted July 25, 2012 Sorry Anne, URP is a Ks phrase, my 92 yr old gma, a Ks native still uses it lolol!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne E Posted July 25, 2012 Report Share Posted July 25, 2012 Sorry Anne, URP is a Ks phrase, my 92 yr old gma, a Ks native still uses it lolol!! Yep! URP is a sure fire descriptive word! LOL Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Queeniemary Posted July 25, 2012 Report Share Posted July 25, 2012 URP may be a Kansas phrase, but this Arkansas gal uses it also. I have dated a little, but as Anne said, most of the men who seem to be interested in me.....urp. I also do not want to be alone the rest of my life, but also fear another terrible loss on down the road, if I let myself get in that position again. Don't know if I can do that again. Best thing is to do as Cheryl suggested, just live life, and let it happen organically. I liked how you stated it Cheryl. Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne E Posted July 25, 2012 Report Share Posted July 25, 2012 URP may be a Kansas phrase, but this Arkansas gal uses it also. I have dated a little, but as Anne said, most of the men who seem to be interested in me.....urp. I also do not want to be alone the rest of my life, but also fear another terrible loss on down the road, if I let myself get in that position again. Don't know if I can do that again. Best thing is to do as Cheryl suggested, just live life, and let it happen organically. I liked how you stated it Cheryl. Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas Me too. Sometimes I think we need a "like" button on this site. Also, I spent three delightful years at the Air Force Base in Blythville, Ark., being "educated" at both Blythville Middle School and Gosnell High School. Ah, the accent, ya'll. Anne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cheryl Posted July 25, 2012 Report Share Posted July 25, 2012 One of the things that became very apparent to me when I was thinking about dating again was where would I ever meet anyone? Obviously online was an option but way too scary for me as a starting out option. I thought I might be willing to cross that bridge at some point but not right out the gate. My counselor was the one who suggested that I start by filling my time with activities I enjoyed and let nature take its course. My first response was, "I dont enjoy dong anything without my husband!" She pointed out that I wasn't always married and there must have been activities I did as a single person. I made a list from my twenties. Gym, hiking, volunteer work, church, parties (attending and hosting), shopping, dog walking, music at the coffee shop ect... She then dared me to start doing some of them alone and to step out of my comfort zone and talk to people. She helped me set activity goals and then followed up to see if I had followed through. It was horrifying in the begining. Cried at the start and end of each activity. Talking to strangers, even small talk with women was very hard for me. But I gradually started to get comfortable talking to people I didn't know. It was a slow process in the begining. New women friends invited me to go see a movie with them. Church members asked me to help run a booth. Someone at a coffe shop said they like my dress. At the gym I began to make small talk about the new equipment. It all led to more self confidence and less time alone. I ended up meeting my someone at my own home. A couple I had known for years brought a house guest to my daughters going off to college party. We were introduced briefly and had very little contact at the party. I was very busy playing hostess to all my daughters friends. But he remembered me and 6 months later asked about me through my friends. I invited him back to my house for another social event while my daughter was home for spring break. We had a lot more time to talk and get to know each other. I must say I felt like a twenty year old again. First date jitters a couple days later. It's been four months and we are still dating and there may be a future here! Either way I intend to keep volunteering every other week. Going to the gym three times a week and church on sundays. I'm going to meet with my widows support group once a month to catch up and compare notes. It's become evident that I need to maintain my independence so I don't slip back into my old habit of hiding in the house. This new life is still very fragile. With or without dating I feel scared, vulnerable and anxious. I miss my old life and the security of a spouse. But that life is over and whether I like it or not I am forced to live in the now. Blessing and strength to us all, Cheryl Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted July 25, 2012 Report Share Posted July 25, 2012 I have to hand it to you, Cheryl! Getting out of our comfort zone is a challege but the only way for us to grow is to face things head on. What is URP? I'm in Oregon...to us urp is throwing up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne E Posted July 25, 2012 Report Share Posted July 25, 2012 I have to hand it to you, Cheryl! Getting out of our comfort zone is a challege but the only way for us to grow is to face things head on. What is URP? I'm in Oregon...to us urp is throwing up. See, even in Oregon URP has the same meaning. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted July 25, 2012 Report Share Posted July 25, 2012 Seriously? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted July 26, 2012 Report Share Posted July 26, 2012 Dear Ones ~ I just came across this post in my travels around the Web this morning and I share it with you here, as it seems to fit with widower's original post in this thread: How Long Should a Widow(er) Mourn? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted July 26, 2012 Report Share Posted July 26, 2012 I read that Marty, and I think her answer was good, esp. for someone who hasn't been there. Many men have a hard time being alone and rush into another relationship shortly after the death of their wife. That doesn't make it "wrong", even if others have a hard time understanding or agreeing with it. I would just caution anyone to be very careful, understanding that not everyone has altruistic motives out there. If it's someone you've known for a long time and you know their character well and you liked them "before", you're probably safer than a stranger you don't know...I speak from experience. Get feedback from your kids and friends, and consider what they're telling you. My FIL found someone right after Mom's death, and although it felt weird to us kids since it was so quick, it was probably the best thing that could have happened for him. They never married, they were best friends and he loved her, for over twenty years before he passed away. I hate to think how lonely his life would have been without her. I think Mom would have wanted him to have someone to enjoy bowling and dinners and hosting family, etc. rather than sitting home in a dark house feeling glum. Not everyone chooses to, but some find it to hard to go on without someone to share in life with. It's really not about what society deems right, it's what you deem right for yourself, whatever choice you make. I like that Abby doesn't make a judgment on other's decisions...we shouldn't. This is a tough road at best! And I'm not saying that those who choose not to seek a new partner sit around feeling glum, I don't think my life or demeanor is that glum, but I think Dad's would have been if that had been his choice, so I'm glad he chose otherwise. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stacyines Posted August 3, 2012 Report Share Posted August 3, 2012 Such a difficult topic. I guess we seek companionship and that desire to be needed or loved once again. I'm actually 'dating' once again. But feels rather odd and like a betrayal. My best friend has been there for me emotionally, but not physically. I left the state and relocated back to CA after everything happened temporarily. He became my rock. Not one day of not speaking to each other. He and I were attracted to each other before Deric was once again in the picture. Funny thing is, I told Deric about him and Deric told me about his long lost crush. But decided not to pursue anything. Over 4 years of friendship, he heard my ranting, complaining, and my crying sessions for months. It was until a couple months that we both realized we cared much more for each other. He respects my distancing (though over thousands of miles away is already enough) and my opinions. In a month, he and I will take a mini vacation to New York and go on a official long over due date. We consider ourselves in a relationship, but I told him if someone else pops up, I would understand. But he's determined to make it work. Deric hasn't been gone a year, so I feel rather horrible about it. I asked for the relationship to be a secret until I felt its right to tell our friends. I'm nervous and rather iffy. I miss Deric. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted August 3, 2012 Report Share Posted August 3, 2012 I wish you well with your new relationship. It isn't a betrayal, but perhaps a testament to your wonderful previous relationship that you enjoyed it so much you want to give it a go again. I caution you about keeping this relationship a secret though...I once was engaged to a boss and he wanted to keep our relationship a secret for understandable reasons, but it made me feel less valued. George never would have kept me a secret for any reason, he wanted to shout it from the rooftops, and he always made me feel special and of the utmost value in his life...it's no wonder our relationship made it. You don't have to tell people how far along in the relationship you are, but maybe just that you are "seeing each other". Besides, if people you are close to accidentally find out, they will feel funny that you didn't tell them. Have a good time in NY! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stacyines Posted August 4, 2012 Report Share Posted August 4, 2012 Thank you Kay! I always enjoy your replies. But it feels nice again to have someone listen to me, care for me, spoil me. But it scares me. I don't think I could go through such heart break again. Little by little! And it's nice to know he understands. Keeping quiet seems slightly like shame on my behalf. Knowing it's too soon. I'm not going to lie in saying I didn't google and read articles based on dating after loss of loved one. But it reality, I noticed many who renovated their lives. NYC is a little over a month away, but in reality. It's a big excuse to visit Deric's grave. I still don't feel ready, but his year mark is in couple of weeks. I feel like I need to pour my heart out to him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted August 5, 2012 Report Share Posted August 5, 2012 Who says it's too soon? If YOU don't feel it's too soon, then who is anyone else to say so? I am happy for you that you found someone that you enjoy so much and is understanding too. It's different for everyone. But if it's right for you, give it your best shot and don't make him a secret, be happy and proud of your relationship. Nothing good is worthy of being ashamed. Good luck to you and have fun! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fredzgirl Posted August 10, 2012 Report Share Posted August 10, 2012 I met a wonderful guy about a year after Fred died. I think it worked for me because this guy is so accepting of my love for Fred. There are times when I'm reminded of my life with Fred and tears come to my eyes or a sigh escapes and Tony is okay with that. I don't have to supress my need to talk about Fred. I love them both. I explain it to others by reminding them that they don't stop loving their first child when a second child comes along. You love them both equally. Fred died three years ago. I guess I will always miss him. I still have one of his outfits hanging in the closet because I need to have it there. I have moments of disbelief ... How could he not be here? Tony has brought me lots of laughter and good times and it feels good to love and be loved. It doesn't make losing Fred easier. We all want and need different things in our lives. This is working for me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted August 10, 2012 Report Share Posted August 10, 2012 Fredzgirl, I'm so glad you've found love twice and it's working! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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