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Saw this elsewhere and thought it was worth throwing out.

Clearly if you're early in the grieving process it's probably highly inadvisable, and for some perhaps "never" is the short answer (more so the older one is. generally speaking) - but for some the need for companionship is too great to ignore, despite the concern of being "out there" again and the whole goofy dating process. Anyway, I'd be interested to hear your thoughts, esp if you're thinking about it, or have done it and the good or bad of it, etc. I'm not there yet after a year but I think sooner or later I will "have" to. I'm middle-aged and not ready to spend the rest of my life alone, although obviously it might turn out that way anyway.

Hi I have been thinking about it,but im so scared,its been three yrs. now and im so lonely and depressed,I hope one day I can be happy again.

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Kimi,

I hope so too. I think loneliness and depression is something we all fight to a certain extent. I wouldn't consider myself clinically depressed, but there are days I think they'd haul me off.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I say date away, if you feel ready you are ready, but use caution, you are vulnerable, keep that in mind. Personally, I wouldn't worry about what judgements my friends might have about it. My husband died over 2 years ago, I haven't dated, but I want to, seems things have changed while I was away being all married. If it makes YOU happy, do it, and don't give a care about if "others" are ready, this is your life and you have to live it how you see fit. I wish you success and happiness.

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Hello Everyone,

I have been in a new relationship now for 2 years and I'm approaching the 3 year mark since Ruth passed...It is with a widow who lost her spouse

6 months prior to Ruth, we have found an incredible part of both us we never knew existed...having and going thru the grief process for both of us

does give us a common bond, that has allowed us both to build this Love on a prospective that was not in our previous relantionships...we find we are

living life to it's fullest...we have a bucket list we are checking off, and we have discussed what will happen if either one of us passes first...

Yes, I know not a happy thought and many avoid new relationships because of this gut wrenching thought, but as all of us know by being here it is indeed

part of Life...I myself am willing to face this again rather than be alone, and she fills my heart again with love and happiness...we both still have our days and always will, that is also an issue we have discussed in detail, but when we do, we lean on each other and "go with the flow" (Brenda's favorite saying...

Life can be good again if given a chance, move at your own pace and keep the expectations on a real level, one important thing to always remember if you do get involved with someone and date, never compare them to your spouse, they are there own person so special and unique "one and only" just as our spouses were.

I hope everyone finds the answers they are seeking...

NATS

"Thoughts posted are merely my experience, if I help just one person find some comfort by sharing I have succeeded in my goal".

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Very well written...and she is one lucky lady, to have had such love twice in her life!

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Not sure if this is the right place to post this - but I have been wondering how to deal with the incredible loneliness. Most of the time I'm just lonely for my husband. I want him back in my life. But since that's not going to happen as long as I'm alive, I have to figure out how to survive this. The loneliness is growing bigger and becoming more painful. At times I just want to scream.

I thought I'd become a stronger person, capable and self-reliant. And I probably have, to a certain degree. But basically I'm not that thrilling to hang out with. At least not all the time.

Most of my adult life was spent with one other person. Had I never found a partner and lived alone, this life I'm leading would be normal. But for me, it's not. It's horrible. So what to do? I've been without my soul mate for two years, and now - apart from the occasional aftershock and acute grief episode - I feel like I'm just waiting around for something to happen.

I can't imagine feeling anything for another man. Last time I dated I was only 22 years old, and the person I was dating was my future husband. I'm 54 now, not a kid any more. I look normal, but I seriously doubt I turn any heads, and the idea of flirting seems ridiculous. Online dating sites seem like such a false way of meeting someone. My husband and I worked together first, then became friends, and then the whole thing quickly grew more intimate. The only men I ever meet now are through work - but they're all married. And I wouldn't be interested in any of them anyway.

What I might like is a male friend. Just a friend. Someone to talk to and do stuff with - but no pressure to do or be anything else. Why are there no online friend sites?

I don't know, maybe I'm destined to spend the rest of my life alone. At least I have the dog - though she's hardly someone I can go out to dinner with. And she won't put up shelves or check the car engine, even if I ask nicely. Actually the dog, as much as I love her, keeps me from being out more. I can't leave her all day for work and then leave her alone in the evening too.

Would like to hear others' thoughts on the matter. Just don't tell me to volunteer somewhere - I'll say it again, Norway does not have a system that includes volunteering.

Melina

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I don't know, Melina...maybe men don't want "just friends"? Or maybe they're gunshy that we'd want more. I don't know.

That's what I'd like too...someone to do things with, go places with, talk to. NOT a relationship! It DOES get lonely! I've had years of this and I don't notice it getting a whole lot better. To a point, I mean I got used to the fact that George isn't around anymore, but sometimes when you want someone around and there is no one...it does get lonely. But then when I see some situations out there, I'm kind of glad I'm alone!

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Melina I know how uncomfortable it is to do things without your mate. But the only way to not be lonely is to get out and do things and talk to people. Talking leads to conversations which lead to getting to know people and then on to friendships.I won't try to give suggestions. You need to come up with your own list. No matter how awful it is to start doing things alone it is the only way. People are not going to come to you. You have to go to them. What do people do in Noraway that is social?

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Melina, I know that it is very hard. I do have a couple of close male friends, they are partners, and we do movie nights, and I travel with them some. One of them is in 40s and one in his 50s. They are so good to me, treat me like an older sister. I also have another male friend, who lost his wife about 6 months before Mike died. Everyone in town thinks we are dating, but we are not really. There is no romance, just comfortable being with each other, and feeling no pressure at all. Tom graduated from high school with my brother, so is a couple of years younger than me. I am also very fortunate that Mike and I were involved in a group of people, a community theatre group, of all ages, single, married, old, young, straight, gay. My close male friends all come from this group. All of those people have been such a good support for me. Having said all that, I still get lonely, very lonely at night. I have my dogs also, but they are not tall enough to get the items out of the top cabinet for me. (short legged Corgis)...so I do understand what you are feeling to some degree. I talk to the Corgi Girls, but they just look at me. I wish there was some easy answer, I do think that Cheryl has the right idea however, somehow you have to get out and see people. Just not sure how you should accomplish that. Wish I had some answers for us all on the loneliness.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

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Thanks, I guess I just needed to reach out - not really expecting any clear cut answers, but it helps to whine.

I should add that I have several women friends who are always ready to go out and do stuff, so I rarely have to spend my time utterly alone if I don't want to. We have a "book club" that meets each month.

It's difficult for people like me - an introvert my whole life - to have to force myself to be social, to have to do the opposite of what makes me comfortable. When Thyge was here with me we could be introverts together. I've written all this before, ad nauseum, so I guess there really is no solution.

Cheryl, you asked what people in Norway do that is social? Pretty much what everyone else does - except volunteer. I live out in the country, near a small town, so there is no buzzing cultural life. In town there is the occasional concert, the movies, bars. I could travel into our capital city, Oslo, about 1 1/2 hours away, but then I worry about the dog.It sounds silly to worry about that, I know, but I hate to see her alone all day and all evening. I haven't been able to find a dog sitter.

I've thought about moving back to the states - to my home town, Seattle - but right now just traveling on a short vacation seems to take all the energy I have. So pulling up any roots I might have and move to another country feels both exhausting and a little scary. Would I get a job at my age? What about health insurance?

Anyway - no one can fix this for me, but thanks for your thoughts. I know I need to change something, but I'm just not sure what - or what I can manage.

Melina

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Melina,

My story is very similar to yours...I met Ruth while being single from my divorce and swore I'd never get involved again...she also had a very abusive marriage and had no intention of being with someone...we worked together and became friends, people swore we were involved romantically but just close friends, in 2004 we had some back to back hurricanes here in Florida and I called one day to see if she was OK after a rough storm, she was so surprised that I cared enough to call, we had dinner often and just hung out together, one night I was leaving to go home to my apartment and she asked me for a hug, that was the moment for some reason I just took her in my arms and kissed her, told her goodnight and left, driving down the road it hit me and I asked myself "what just happened" ???, when I arrived home I called her and said she also had the same question...well things grew at light speed, we became a couple and she asked me to move in, I was very hesitant at first but she insisted even going to the extent that she offered to put enough money aside so I could move back to an apartment if things did not work out...well that was the best move I had ever made as we became so much in Love and shared the most wonderful life, traveling, fishing, and just being together...she taught me so much about Loving and at my oldest son's wedding my ex-wife told her she wished I was the man I am now when we were married...she and my ex-wife even spoke on occasions about the two boys...we continued to have that perfect life until she was diagnosed but that only strengthened our Love and Bond, she fought so hard and told me many times she was not afraid of passing, what bothered her most was she would not be with me...she insisted I find Love again after she passed as she wanted me happy and wanted someone else to feel the Love and Compassion I had...well as you may have read I have indeed fallen in Love yet again and this is like no other, it started much the same way, dinners, and innocent time just being together, then one night late after dinner and an evening of long conversation, that simple kiss and hug as Brenda was leaving ignited a new Love that has grown intensely strong over the past two years, we have even talked about living together but Brenda became very independent after her husband passed in 2009 and has hesitations, she has changed some allowing me to care for her after some surgery in April, and doing simple things for her at her home...we are planning a trip to see my new Grandson at the end of the week and we have a bucket list we are checking off, we also take vacations each year at Christmas and have established our "Life", we still have open conversations about our spouse's as we both know we will always have a special place in our hearts for them, we also share the moments of grief waves that roll in at unexpected times, I think that is very important as we both grow in "our world".

I hope you and other friends in grief find the answers and comfort you are seeking...

NATS

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Mary, I had to laugh at the Corgis being too short to get things down for you. Jim's roommate has a Corgi and we call him a "brick with feet" (he's overweight, kind of shaped like a rectangle). They don't appear to have legs!

Melina, I'm kind of in the same boat, spend way too much time alone. I used to be outgoing, have an active social life, but that was years ago and certain events changed that for me. I find it very difficult to seek out people. I guess if it bugs me bad enough, eventually maybe I'll DO something about it! :)

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Kay, maybe I'll do something about my introverted self one day too. I keep waiting for something to suddenly happen. But I suppose I have to make it happen. If only I had super powers.

Mary - sounds great to be in a theater group. I was in a student theater when I was getting my B.A. at the University of Washington.

Nats - I'm not quite sure what your story has to do with me, but that's nice to hear you're so happy with Brenda.

Melina

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Kay, maybe I'll do something about my introverted self one day too. I keep waiting for something to suddenly happen. But I suppose I have to make it happen. If only I had super powers.

Mary - sounds great to be in a theater group. I was in a student theater when I was getting my B.A. at the University of Washington.

Nats - I'm not quite sure what your story has to do with me, but that's nice to hear you're so happy with Brenda.

Melina

Melina,

It was meant to show you that even at our place in this grief and despair we can find happiness and love again if we choose so, we must keep our minds open

as well as letting our hearts guide us, we never know what may lie ahead.

During this journey we are on, we have no road map so we must navagate the journey the best we can and take things with a new positive outlook with a common goal, to find comfort in our lives now that a most precious part of it is now gone.

Wishng you comfort...

NATS

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Very dear Melina ~ I just read this blog post, and somehow it made me think of you. From my heart to yours, I hope it speaks to you in some positive way: Grief: Hope and Being Willing to Feel Good Things

Marty,

This site looks interesting and I'll read it more closely when I get home from work.

I know I come across as pessimistic and a general downer. I've tried to analyze this as best I can. And I think it comes down to this:

- If I dare to let leave a wide door open for optimism, I'm scared more bad things will happen, and my distress will grow. This is what I call my "knock on wood" theory.

- If I try to focus on the positives and be positive with people around me - I'm afraid they'll forget that I'm grieving. And I'll have to be alone in my sadness.

Neither of these two things make any real sense. 1) I don't believe in a universe or a God that punishes people for being optimistic and happy. Bad things happen, and sometimes it happens despite your sunny perspective.

2) Also - I'm not showing other people (except you group members on this site) my grief. I'm keeping it hidden, so probably they've all forgotten about my husband and my grief anyway.

I just can't seem to climb out of this pit.

Melina

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Melina,

I don't think people tend to think of us as "grieving". I lost George and two years later my best friend lost her husband. I told her about this site but she said she didn't believe in focusing on grief and mourning, that she saved her tears for when she was alone. I said, "Okay, we all grieve differently." Fast forward a few years. The other day she told me she thought it odd that the church has so much for married people...she wished they had something for grievers. It's been years and in spite of her best efforts to put her best foot forward, keep busy, spend time with people...she's still grieving. Now I think she gets it.

This is something I have accepted that never entirely goes away. It only changes form. I will always miss George. There will never be anyone that could come close to him or the wonderful relationship we had. I have finally accepted being single and on my own. I'm okay with it. There are times I'm lonely, times I feel overwhelmed, sure. But not all of the time. Sometimes I like my independence. But not my independence from George! If he was here I would gladly scoot over and welcome him back into my life and home. But that's not going to happen. And for someone else...I'm just not interested. I think earlier on I was scared of being alone, so I tried to have a relationship, but it didn't work. And I realize now that was a mistake. Some of you are smarter than I was. You don't eliminate a void by trying to fill it, but rather by accepting it...and eventually the void fills in a little.

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I worry about the dog.It sounds silly to worry about that, I know, but I hate to see her alone all day and all evening. I haven't been able to find a dog sitter.

I am sorry to only focus on this one thing...but it occurred to me that if you are mostly concerned about leaving your dog alone you should consider getting a second dog. Truly two dogs are not much more work then one and having a buddy will mean your dog is not alone. I do not know if Norway has dog rescues all over the way we do here in the States, but if you could find an adult dog who already has basic manners it would not be a hard transition. *hugs*

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