Sudden Deep Depression

[2boysmom]

Leon - so sorry for your loss. I am fairly new to this room too. I lost Terry 2 months ago. The first two weeks was a blur of family and tears. After that I did go back to work and it did help - I was not sitting at home looking at all of his stuff and crying all day. I still cry every day at work but it is less and less every day. My co-workers either hug me and help me through it or run the other way and completely avoid me. Some people just don't know how to deal with it.

But getting back to a schedule is helping and keeping my mind off of what happened helps even more. I need to be busy right now so I don't have time to think. It might be helpful for you.

Talk to close family or friends - I don't have much family around but my friends have been great. Last weekend I got together with some old friends and laughed more than I have in 2 months. It was just what I needed. This weekend another friend is taking me for a massage and pedicure. At first I said no to everything but changed my mind and was really glad I did.

You need to do what is right for you. We understand what you are going through but we don't know how you feel. But you are not alone - there are a lot of us going through the same. <<hugs>>

[kayc]

Leon,

I definitely wasn't ready to return to work two weeks after he died but I needed to so I pushed myself. I cried w/o warning but everyone understood. If I had been retired instead of working, I think it would have been hard, it helps to have somewhere you have to go and things you have to do.

I hope you get something out of support group, I wish we had one in my town but we don't.

[Wifflesnook]

Am hoping for a better day today as yesterday was awful. Just got sadder and sadder and then sobs and tears. It seems as though much of the time I am living in a sort of semi denial world where I get up, eat, walk the dog, and read etc. then suddenly something happens to tear a veil away and I am left confronting the reality of losing my Pete. Really losing him. He has gone. And I can't cope with it. And then I managae to return to the semi denial world where I can cope. Do you know what, I mean? It's weird. I think right now it's better for me to be there than face the truth. Rationally I know the truth of course, but emotionally I don't. Jan

[mfh]

Jan, I believe we come out of the fog the way you are describing...a bit here, a bit there...our minds protecting us as we move through the awakening. I am sorry your days are so sad. I do understand, believe me.

I am sitting in a hospital waiting room while a friend has some tests. The last time I sat in this room, Bill was with me...partially sedated so he would not thrash during his MRI... His form of dementia, one of them, made him thrash on and off all day. Hard to sit here. The consolation is that he is no longer thrashing. Peace to your heart, Mary

[Wifflesnook]

Oh Mary. How hard that must have been for you. And how brave of you to be able to sit there to support your friend. Yes, I think I have to 'go with the flow' as they say. I feel unbelievably sad all the time but when I get the tsunami feeling I realise that there is a worse feeling and I'm grateful that I dnt feel like that all the time. We aren't alone whilst we have each other. Jan

[mfh]

Oh Mary. How hard that must have been for you. And how brave of you to be able to sit there to support your friend. Yes, I think I have to 'go with the flow' as they say. I feel unbelievably sad all the time but when I get the tsunami feeling I realise that there is a worse feeling and I'm grateful that I dnt feel like that all the time. We aren't alone whilst we have each other. Jan

This friend who was having tests is one of my closest and she is just finishing her breast cancer treatment with a good prognosis (we hope)...no way would I say no to her request to go with her so her husband could open their tea house/art shop. But I sat there with tears as I remembered Bill sitting next to me on the same chair....not really knowing a lot of what was happening. As I walk this path right now, things seem to be hitting harder these days. I believe it is related to the lack of distractions in my life now. Today I had to get up and walk the halls while Maya was having her tests.

I agree that this forum, along with those around us who can help us on this journey are very important. Not a journey to do alone though in the end...we are, of course. No one knows exactly how we feel...about our loss or anything...existential aloneness....is all of ours.

Peace, friend

Mary

[enna]

My dear new friends - today I went out and purchased a Casio piano with keys that light up. "Why?" you say. Well, my granddaughter who just started first grade has been taking lessons for two years now and mommy sent me a video of her little 'concert'. So I got to thinking this could be a way to connect more and perhaps I'd keep myself from moving into a very dark place. I am missing my Jim so much that I really don't want to think that his absence is permanent. I know I'm in the 'trauma' or grief stage since tomorrow it will only be 3 months. He loved music and knew I couldn't carry a tune even though I tried. I think he must be smiling right now. Let's remember dear friends that natural sadness is normal. Our grief is a reaction to a loss. enna

[mfh]

Dear Enna

I am so sorry for your loss and pain. I lost my husband 29 months ago....and of course, it still hurts. But it IS better than it was at 3 months and even at 1 year. yes, grief is what we feel when we lose someone we love and there is no time limit or protocol...we just do what we each do as best we can.

Congratulations on the piano. What a great idea....I think it was about 4 months after Bill died that I started watercolors lessons. I was pretty sporadic with it for the first year or so but now I paint each day and start to see progress. I think the arts are a great way to help us through grief. The best on that venture.

Peace,

Mary

[Wifflesnook]

Dear Enna

I know so well what you mean about not wanting to think that Jim's absence is permanent. This is where I am right now too. I suppose our minds won't let us go too deep and I suppose it's a helpful protection. I know that when it does hit me I am so deep in despair that I couldn't function like that and I would need help. So right now I'm glad that mostly a full awareness of my situation only comes over me sometimes. I want to try to build on remembering the good times and being grateful for what I has with Pete. I often think that I didn't know what pure happiness I had with him when I was living. At the time I experienced it as content. Now when I look back I see it was undiluted happiness. Maybe it's possible to recapture some to help me through this blackness? I know I have to get through it somehow. What a wonderful blessing at least, that we have found this forum where people underhand each ther so well. Jan

[kayc]

Jan, I do know what you are talking about, I vacillated for some time, I think it's our body's way of protecting us until we are more able to cope.

Mary, I know how hard that was for you. I will never forget the first time back to the hospital where George died...my friend's husband was in the hospital and I needed to be there for them. I could not stop the tears from flowing as I walked through the halls, right through the ward where George had been. But I wouldn't have missed being there for my friends for anything, it was just something I had to go through and face sometime...and that was the time. I hope you made it through it okay. (((hugs)))

[KristinP]

I don't think it's wrong to vent or to feel the need to appologize for it. See I can relate, Dan just died a little over 2 weeks ago and hurts sometimes more then I think I can handle. I also understand the feeling alone, I'm miles away from any of my family and close friends and only makes it harder. I think sometimes we just need to talk and for someone to be there to simply listen and there's nothing wrong with that. We all greive in our own ways and in our own time so if you're not ready to look at those pictures just yet then don't you will when you're ready to

Kristin

[mfh]

Dear Kristin,

I am so sorry for your loss. I know the gut wrenching pain...my Bill died 29 months ago. I totally agree with you that it is sharing and telling our stories that helps us heal. That includes venting without apology. I am sorry you are so far from people close to you. YOu came to a good place...you will find non-judgmental acceptance and listening ears and hearts here. We will all do things in our time. I have not touched Bill's closet or workshop. I do look at pictures....I cry but it helps as it also reminds me of the good times. I know we are glad you are here even though this is the last place any of us wanted to end up. Peace to your heart, Mary

[kayc]

I'm so sorry you lost your Dan. We are all just a post away, regardless of where we live. Some of us are up in the middle of the night and we all have different time zones, so I hope you know there will always be a listening ear here.

[mfh]

Jan, I know you have been quite ill for several days now and I am just letting you know again that I am thinking about you and hoping when you waken in a few hours that you will feel better. I know how hard it is to be alone and sick and i am sorry. I am glad your two neighbors, both who seem to get grief, are there for you...and your family from a distance. Love, Mary

[enna]

Jan,

I hear you. Take care of yourself and know that this is a place that we can come to and connect with others who are all grieving at different levels. It is good to draw strength from others. enna

[Wifflesnook]

Thanks mary and Enna

Still feeling rather bad but Sandra my neighbour just made me a boiled egg and I ate it. Know I have to eat if I'm to get back on my feet. Jus got to get through this basically. Your good thoughts help.

Jan