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My husband Pete passed away in October 2011. For his last 6-1/2 years we worked so closely together, trying to help him survive leukemia, recover from its treatment and all the damage the treatment caused.

I miss him all the time. I try to wish him here still, and find myself thinking that I just want my/our real life back. We had so many plans and so much love. I still have these feelings of loss, pain, sadness, frustration and intense longing, but they seem to be getting better at last. One day about four months after Pete passed away, I felt something completely different. My hope is that as I really accept and adjust to this loss I will have that feeling return, and it will become my normal.

For that one day all of my wishing to change the past went away. The regrets were no longer important. I felt as if something inside that was trying desperately to hold on to what we had and who we were, the old dreams, hopes, plans, trying to relive every moment of joy, passion, laughter, regrets and wishes, just relaxed. The desperation and pain vanished. I was left with three things as all that mattered. The first thing was that Pete knew without a doubt that I loved him totally. Second, I am equally certain of his love for me. The third was that the emptiness inside me that appeared when Pete died had been filled. It was more than full...l felt there was a golden light well inside me that was overflowing. People should have seen a glow when they looked at me. The feelings were almost overwhelming. Gone was the pain and sadness, all my efforts to try to change the past...to somehow have met him sooner, used our time better, or find a way that we could have had more of everything. What was there was joy that we had somehow managed to find each other and share so many years together, gratitude for all the ways he helped me to grow and become a better person, thankfulness for all the time we had to tell and show each other how much we treasured each other. I again felt our love for each other, which feels bigger than all space and time. All this love was somehow all within me and part of me forever.

I only had these feelings for one day, but I want them back so much. I think that the sooner I can really accept that Pete and our future plans are gone the easier it will become to focus on all that I gained from our time together and stop focusing on all that I lost when he died.

I know Pete did not want to leave me. I believe he would want me to be the way that I felt that day, stronger than I ever imagined, confident in my value as a person and knowing I am capable and worthy of giving and receiving love on a scale that I never knew existed until we met. On that one day, I realized that while I won't know about an afterlife till I get there myself, knowing does not really matter. Our lives were so intertwined that even though he died, he has become part of who I am, and will be with me always.

I realized that one day has been like an oasis in my grief. It makes me think that I need to find my way to release the pain, and brings to my attention that when I am only feeling my loss and pain I am unable to feel the vast love that we shared that I know is still within me.

I have not seen anyone posting anything like this day that I had, but I hope that others have had something similar, and that I can look forward to feeling this way more as I heal and adjust.

I found this site in April, while recovering from some surgery. I want to thank all of you who post here for the help and hope your messages provide. What you share, your feelings, concerns, experiences, positives, lessons learned, ups and downs, cries, the constant reminders to take good care of myself and more, have all helped me as I progress through my first year. Some other time I may tell more of my past 7 years, I have other losses and changes that I am sure are all bundled in together with my grief over Pete’s death. This group helps with those as well.

So, I enter into these discussions at last, with thanks to you all as we go though this complex process.

srm

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What a beautiful gift that one day was. *hugs* I have moments like that...not a whole day, but moments where I feel filled by and surrounded by my husbands love...when I can focus on the amazing gifts I received in getting to love him.

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Dear Srm

You may have read my earlier posts. My husband too was called Pete, and my loss is very recent and very very hard. What a wonderful experience even though it was so brief. You must cling to it, keep it fresh in your mind at all times. I have had three experiences which have helped me a tiny tiny bit. One was whilst I was sitting on a river bank near our cottage, with my little grand daughter. Just for a moment I felt pete's presence near me. The feeling didn't last but I felt him. The second was a dream in which I was carrying very heavy loads, one in each hand and two in my teeth. They were too much for me and Pete appeared and said "Let me help you". The third was the night of our 50th wedding anniversary when I wrote in my journal

Dearest darling Pete

It's our 50th wedding anniversary today. I miss you so much and love you utterly. Please let me know you aren't far away.

Jan for ever

And I dreamed that he wrote in my book

I am here

These experiences do provide me with a little comfort. I will hope to have something like your wonderful experience too. I hope it comes back for you. I too had a wonderful life with Pete, and I want to remember the good times rather than being so sad all the time, but at the moment it is almost impossible.

Jan

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SRM,

I'm sorry you too have experienced this loss and glad you have made it thus far. The three things you experienced that day were not merely feelings, but truths, and those truths remain whether you have those 'feelings' or not. It took me some time to realize I carry my George around inside of me, all of the time, and that his love never leaves me. I miss him being here as he used to be, but two things remain, our love, and our memories, and those can never be stripped from me. It's hard that life has to change but it is ever changing and we have phases in our lives, and this is a different one than the one where I had George living with me...I will always miss him, but I appreciate the time that we did get to have together.

I hope you will continue to come here and post, there is a good group of people here, all of us going through this journey together.

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  • 2 weeks later...

srm,

My wife Celene passed on October 10, 2011. It took me some time to realize that I needed to surround myself with friends who can relate to my life changes and emotional roller coaster. I needed confirmation that I was not alone in my emotions. I wanted to know that the stages in my grief were normal.

I have found, that being among all those who are part of this group, very helpful and healing to my soul. I know I can come here, when in good spirits and bad, and not be judged; only encouraged. I hope continue to find the same comforts and help. Friendship and understanding.

Anthony

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Thank you for sharing that wonderful day and for sharing the love between you and Pete. You wrote your experience beautifully. I lost my love, Larry, over 6 years ago and I feel the connection with him, always will. He has let me know he is not gone and that brings comfort to my heart. But I still would give anything to have him and our life back once again. Deborah

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