terp8r Posted August 8, 2012 Report Share Posted August 8, 2012 July 4th was the one year date of my husband of 34 years crossing over. I spent that day and the next with my two sons, daughter in law and grandbaby. It's just been in the last few days that I've been so incredibly sad, angry and missing him so much. I feel like I'm hanging on by the fragilest of threads and if it breaks I will fall and shatter into a million pieces. I wonder if he sees me? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ANC1117 Posted August 8, 2012 Report Share Posted August 8, 2012 I hope and pray that all our loved ones who have passed are watching over us. I too feel as if my life continues to spin out of control at times. The last three days I have been working on the cabin that I was working on when my lovely Celene passed. Although I believe I get a little stronger each time I do go there, I still have moments when the world seems to stop and I realize I was standing right over there when I got the call from my daughter that Celene stopped breathing. It is as if my mind has to confirm that Celene is gone by punching me on the side of my brain that helps me continue forward without being an emotional wreck 24/7. Understanding and compassion. Anthony Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lina Posted August 8, 2012 Report Share Posted August 8, 2012 I do believe our loved ones watch out for us. *hugs* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lizardo Posted August 8, 2012 Report Share Posted August 8, 2012 Well people, I have a slightly different view of all this, but I sure don't understand either. My husband walked off to be with Creator on April 29. It was sudden, so I feel like I got away with something because there was no long illness to deal with, which in my more logical mind I know is really dumb, yet there it is, my old pal GUILT. Now, I just got done reading another post which stated that the tighter the couple, the more it hurts when death occurs. I wouldn't know because my 27-year marriage was quite flawed, and we liked different things, separate vacations, etc., but damn if I don't miss that big galoot tremendously!! As in, a physical pain in my body, seriously, and I don't do drama (on purpose). As far as ethereal loved ones looking on.... hmmm, I rather hope not, because we survivors are hurtin' units, and the departed ought not worry about us temporary biological life forms. (Just my personal opinion, not trying to start a debate here... everyone's comfort is different!) So to all of you lovely folks who actually had a good or great marriage, I am so extremely sorry that your best friend is gone from your side, but we'll all be together again, eventually. And to widows & widowers of the complicated, the hard-headed, the stubborn, the absolutely ornery..... you are not alone!! *Hugggsss* Liz. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted August 8, 2012 Report Share Posted August 8, 2012 Liz, I imagine no two marriages represented here are alike. My marriage was as near perfect considering we are/were two imperfect human beings, but I do know what you mean. One of my sisters has been married 42 years to an incorrigible gruff man, but they both love each other. I have learned to look past his exterior and see that he really does have a heart in there, I've glimpsed it. I know when the time comes, she will miss him, although in some ways her life may be more peaceful and easier. I've encouraged my others sisters to acknowledge what they have and accept that although their marriage is not an easy one, it is of her choosing and they are true companions in every sense of the word...they have been through thick and thin together. It is not "easy" or "peaceful" that causes us to miss someone...sometimes it is that feisty "different" spirit that we learn to love about them as well, for all of their uniqueness. I have no doubt that you miss your husband. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
terp8r Posted August 9, 2012 Author Report Share Posted August 9, 2012 Lately I've been waking up thinking he's holding my hand only to realize I'm holding my own hand. When he was on life support I remember our son saying he had the strongest hands he had ever known. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted August 9, 2012 Report Share Posted August 9, 2012 Maybe when you're sleeping he IS holding your hand. I'm sorry you're struggling lately, it's not unusual to have ups and downs, even this far out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lizardo Posted August 13, 2012 Report Share Posted August 13, 2012 Thank you Kayc, your insights are wonderful... and hugs to every person on here! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unrecognizable Posted August 19, 2012 Report Share Posted August 19, 2012 Wow, I agree Liz. I hope my loved ones, including my husband, are not watching me. They'd be very upset if they were. It would not make them happy or pleased to see me in the state that I've been in since my husband died, over two years ago. Our marriage was such that I wish I could go back and undo the whole thing. It was a mistake, but he died before I left him. He drowned so it was totally out of left field. It's been a long and ugly nightmare. I just try no to think about it. I try to get on with my life. None of that is working though. I think the guilt of knowing I was going to leave him is messing me up. It was no secret though. I had told him I was leaving, and my parents, and my friends, so I'm not sure why I feel so bad about it. If he was here now, I'd still be leaving. I guess it is tough to move past greif when you have mixed feeling about he one who died. Any thoughts on that Liz? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lizardo Posted August 20, 2012 Report Share Posted August 20, 2012 Holy moly, Unrecognizable, you have an awful lot to deal with!! I had also considered leaving the marriage at various times, but bottom line: I was too lazy and too attached to this place to leave. Your situation sounds very very harsh, the sudden accidental death of your husband, lots of people knowing you were going to leave, perhaps some people treating you differently than before.... I really hope you have someone to talk to in person, to help you discuss the guilt you are dealing with. I know, talking seems futile, but saying something out loud makes it real (to me, anyway). Have you tried writing him letters, or journalizing? It's not going to "fix" anything (some things are not fixable huh) but I have found writing helps get it out of my system.... also screaming in the car is good (he died in April, suddenly) but it hurts my throat and right now it's too hot to have the windows rolled up. Between this and menopause and a shift in career, it's a wonder I haven't been installed in a rubber room! I hope this helps, but please note that I am no professional anything, just another person experiencing things..... and what's left of my heart goes out to you, Un. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted August 20, 2012 Report Share Posted August 20, 2012 Dear Ones, I want to point you to a resource that might be helpful to both of you. Liberating Losses: When Death Brings Relief is a book that really speaks to the issues you have raised. Although published in 2003, I'm sure it's still available at your local library (or you could ask the librarian to order a copy for you) ~ but to get a sense of its contents, just click on the title to read Amazon's description and reviews. And you can read a terrific review of the book here: Liberating Losses Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted August 20, 2012 Report Share Posted August 20, 2012 Marriage is no more perfect than the people involved, and sometimes it's not that they are bad so much as sometimes the couple isn't a perfect fit together. George and I were a perfect fit but that doesn't mean everything was perfect. He told me three weeks before he died that he'd been using drugs so he could keep up at work. I'd learned everything I could in short order and made a list of what it does to one's body, another list for what I'd require for him to stay with me, and another list of what society's repercussions of drug use is. He took it all well and began seeing a drug counselor...I told him he could try outpatient and if that didn't work, he'd go inpatient. He was willing to do whatever he needed to. After he unexpectedly died, my sister asked me if I felt bad for the things I'd said to him before he died and I said "Hell no! He needed to HEAR everything I said and he knew everything I ever said or did was for his own good." And I truly mean that. If you were feeling you needed to leave your husband, that was something that needed to be done for yours and his own good, please try to let go of any feelings of guilt. You did not know he was going to die, and ultimately, that doesn't change what was right or wrong for you anyway. If you need to see a therapist to help you through your feelings, then by all means, do what you need to do, but understand that you won't get any judgment here from any of us! Some are lucky to get a wonderful marriage and others get one that shouldn't have been...my last one (after George died) was one of those. Rather than spending energy regretting it though, I choose to learn from it. I may be lonely at times, but I'm a wise old coot, anyway! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lizardo Posted August 20, 2012 Report Share Posted August 20, 2012 Thanks much, Marty, I'll be looking for the book. And thanks also Kayc for your likewise caring input! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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