My Beloved Is Not With Me Anymore

[enna]

75 days ago I lost the most important person in my life, my husband. At first there were no tears and now all I do is cry. I miss so many things about our forty years together. It is so lonely. I miss our morning coffees and the quiet evenings on our patio. We were soul mates. I retired in 2007 to keep a closer eye on my love who was slipping away with Alzheimer's disease. I am too numb to think of all that we went through but the one thing that I am so grateful for is the ALZ support group for caregivers I helped to start in our retirement community. I belonged to this group for two plus years until I had to step back to spend more time with my loved one. We were able to stay home with the help of the angels of Hospice of the Valley. Our Team was so supportive. We began our journey with Hospice in the beginning of May and my Jim was gone May 25th. I guess the reason I'm thinking about this right now is that I want you to know that you don't have to be alone. My Jim passed away in his home where he wanted to be. We talked about what he wanted before he was not able to think these things through. I know he knew he was at home even though those last few days were silent since he was not able to vocalize. His eyes spoke to those who visited. I miss him so. enna

[MartyT]

Enna, my dear, we are so sorry to learn of the death of your beloved husband, and I hope you will accept our deepest sympathy. It's good to know that you felt so supported by your Hospice of the Valley team, and I want you to know that the support you felt there will continue for you here in this warm, compassionate place. You are among kindred spirits here, and we will not let you walk this challenging path alone. Blessings to you, dear one, and welcome ♥

[kayc]

Enna,

Bless you. I'm sorry you lost your husband, but I'm glad he got to be with you and I'm also glad you felt supportiveness from hospice, even while you got it going there.

[Guest babylady]

i lost my husband on 5/2712 to brain cancer. we were together almost 42 years. he was my soul mate. i never knew i could cry so much. sometimes i get in my car and scream -- don't do it in the house -- don't want to scare my beloved cat.

so sorry for your loss. the pain seems unbearable at times.

[ANC1117]

Enna,

My compassion for your lost goes out to you. It was not too long ago when I lost my Celene and felt pain unlike any I experience before. I came to this group from a Hospice brochure given to me from a volunteer. It took me a while to get here and now I find such comfort in sharing with others in this group. Although we have a common purpose for being in this group, we all joined at different times, giving viewpoints from different stages along the journey. Prayers and comfort.

Anthony

[ANC1117]

i lost my husband on 5/2712 to brain cancer. we were together almost 42 years. he was my soul mate. i never knew i could cry so much. sometimes i get in my car and scream -- don't do it in the house -- don't want to scare my beloved cat.

so sorry for your loss. the pain seems unbearable at times.

Babylady,

I do agree that screaming in the car keeps the animals safe from taking cover. I am glad that I drive an older truck, when I take out my frustration by punching at the roof of the truck (better than wall repairs in the home). Anger can be hard to deal with on my grief journey... Smiles and understandings.

Anthony

[azusaman]

I lost my wife of 24 years 3 years ago on this August 17. I can't believe it still hurts this much.

[kayc]

(((azusaman)))

[enna]

Reflections on the Death of the Love of my Life

Sorrow suddenly stabs with its bluntness

To die seems better.

Where are you and why did you have to go so soon?

Was I not caring for you enough?

Did I not hear your cries?

I thought we were so connected to each other

that no one could understand

the love we shared.

Where are you now?

I don't see you.

I thought I'd always be by your side.

I am numb.

I am different.

I cry, I scream, I only want you back.

Where are you, my Love?

Your Love - Anne

[Wifflesnook]

Yes Anne. That is heartfelt and so much how I feel. Jan

[kayc]

That could have been written by any of us. Sometimes I've wondered...did he fight to stay hard enough? If not, why not? I guess we leave no stone unturned when we try to make sense of this...

[nats]

Enna,

We all feel your heartache and sadness in some way or another, but as we have discussed we have many positives still with us even if our spouse's are not with us in the physical sense...this is on Marty's Comfort for Grieving Hearts page and indeed fitting...and Jim is still by your side only now he is not only your Husband he is your Angel...

NATS

Tears have a wisdom all their own.

They come when a person has relaxed enough to let go

and to work through his (her) sorrow.

They are the natural bleeding of an emotional wound,

carrying the poison out of the system.

Here lies the road to recovery.

~ F. Alexander Magoun

[enna]

NATS,

Thank you for your kind words. I really like the quote.

Responding to NATS post to me:

My heart is racing – I feel like I'm loosing who I think I'm suppose to be – One day I'm up and the next day I'm down – One day I think I'll begin a few positive rituals and then I feel like disappearing into my self again.

I want to start moving into the 'grief tunnel' but I'm afraid to take too many steps in knowing that all I will be able to do is move through it – My mind and heart are battling and I don't know how to bring them closer together. I want to face the awful truth that Jim is not here physically anymore but if I do then I'll have to let my heart feel the pain. I feel like the cowardly lion in 'The Wizard of OZ' standing in front of my support group without any courage.

I have started to read about grief. I don't retain it. I have tried to express my feelings on our grief support web site. I listen to music and let the tears fall. I feel like I don't have anything to say to others that would comfort them. All I seem to be doing is taking right now – I am confused by this – this is not like me – this is not who I am. Mary (mfh) said to stay connected to the people on the site but it seems like all I'm doing is taking, taking, taking – looking for something and I don't know what it is. Marty says that the people on this site will 'hold the courage for me' until I'm ready. Right now I do not feel like I'm ready. Anne

[Wifflesnook]

Anne I think that at this state in our grief we aren't expected to give. We aren't ready. We are deep deep inside our own grief and its not possible for us to help anyone else whilst we try to manage day by day. This is how it is for me anyway. I am self obsessed, self centred, selfish. And that isn't like me, but this new life is so different and horrible that all I can do is put one foot in front of the other right now. When I used to think of how I would be if pete died first I knew it would be a nightmare and it is. I used to think I couldn't live without him. I am living, though it isn't what I used to call a life. And at present I don't even want to get better. But I am reading one of Pete's poems out loud to him every day and weeping. In a way (odd) this is a release of my feelings which are all choked up. Peace. Jan

[AnnC]

That is what this site is for. We have all been there. We have taken and taken, and later, much later, we are able to give back.

There is little that is positive about grief. But I do think it teaches not only how precious life is, but also we learn deep compassion for the pain and heartbreak of others. There is no need to feel guilty about asking for support, it is actually a comfort to me to offer support to others. I feel I am honoring my husband, my father, my brother, who have all passed, by offering what comfort and support I can to others who have also lost their dear ones.

No need to apologise, we understand. Up and down times, difficulty in concentrating, not being able to retain information, is normal in grief. Eventually, it does get better, even though you may not be able to imagine that now. It really does. You never forget, but you adjust to your changed life. Your life changes, you change, and you build a new normal over time. It's not what we want to do, but it is what we have to do. And we are here on this site to listen when you need us.

[MartyT]

Beautifully stated, Ann ~ thank you ♥

[enna]

That is what this site is for. We have all been there. We have taken and taken, and later, much later, we are able to give back.

There is little that is positive about grief. But I do think it teaches not only how precious life is, but also we learn deep compassion for the pain and heartbreak of others. There is no need to feel guilty about asking for support, it is actually a comfort to me to offer support to others. I feel I am honoring my husband, my father, my brother, who have all passed, by offering what comfort and support I can to others who have also lost their dear ones.

No need to apologise, we understand. Up and down times, difficulty in concentrating, not being able to retain information, is normal in grief. Eventually, it does get better, even though you may not be able to imagine that now. It really does. You never forget, but you adjust to your changed life. Your life changes, you change, and you build a new normal over time. It's not what we want to do, but it is what we have to do. And we are here on this site to listen when you need us.

Thank you so much for your kind words. Anne

[enna]

Yes Anne. That is heartfelt and so much how I feel. Jan

Thank you. Anne

[enna]

A quote from a member who posted in 2/2004 kiakaha44 from this site.
The message just seems to be for me:

" courage doesn't always roar. courage is sometimes the quiet voice at the end of the day that says: I'll try again tomorrow."

My Mantra Room –
For all of you who are on this grief journey with me – thank you – my Jim listened to a powerpoint that we had up on the TV and just by looking into his eyes I knew he was enjoying it. A version below is on youtube
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bZBZi0haRnU
Click on some of the other links that come on after 'A Symphony in White. '
My love to all of you and to those who I don’t even know - Anne

[MartyT]

Anne, my dear, I thank you for the lovely gifts of music that you've presented to us ♥

It fits with an article that I read just this morning: Why Music, Part 1: The Essential Ingredient

[kayc]

Enna,

That you would find something uniquely special for us really touched me, I know it took a great deal of time and thought. The kaleidoscope reminds me of our grief journey, ever changing form.

Hugs,

Kay

[enna]

Anne, my dear, I thank you for the lovely gifts of music that you've presented to us ♥

It fits with an article that I read just this morning: Why Music, Part 1: The Essential Ingredient

Thank you, Marty, for the link to Frank Fitzpatrick's blog: 'Why Music, Part 1: The Essential Ingredient'. I really can relate to Fitzpatrick's quote below.

" When I look at what has helped me survive and bring me into balance through the most challenging times of my life, music has often been at the heart of it – both as a place to turn to and as a source that has been cultivated inside me helping me to express myself as well as re-imagine and re-invent my world, inside and out."

I've always believed that there is value in music therapy. Stroke victims learn how to speak by singing words. Dementia patients can sing songs (verse by verse) and yet can't carry on a conversation because of some loss of cognitive ability. Using music with students who are autistic has helped to calm them while in the classroom. Any patient with a serious health problem usually finds music soothing so helps to boost their immune systems.

To me, music is the ultimate stress buster – it can lower blood pressure – it wards off disease – and it does soothe the pain someone is in due to a loss of a loved one whether human or animal.

I shall be following his blog. I'm glad you appreciated my gift of music to all on this site. Anne

[enna]

Enna,

That you would find something uniquely special for us really touched me, I know it took a great deal of time and thought. The kaleidoscope reminds me of our grief journey, ever changing form.

Hugs,

Kay

Your journey has touched me and so that's why the kaleidoscope. Don't forget to keep us posted on your mom. Anne

[mfh]

Anne, I am in the process of listening to/watching all those great videos you gave to all of us. I will reply once done...but in the meantime, what a great gift...so personal. Thank you.

Now I best get ready for this crowd descending in a couple of hours. Volunteers and columnists and photographers...everyone directly involved in Voice...my thank you to them. I made a word cloud with all Voice words relevant to what they have done and have them printed and framed along with a personal note to each one. I wanted to do more but more costs too much money and is not expected.

Have a peaceful day,

Mary

[kayc]

Anne,

I just finished going to all of the videos, they are very special. I esp. loved the white one and my favorite part was the eye of the horse. I have some horses I visit every day and bring apples or other treats to, I have fallen in love with one of them. I am particularly a nature and animal lover, so these spoke to my soul.