enna Posted September 29, 2012 Author Report Share Posted September 29, 2012 Kay, Why would you put make-up on if you were not going to work or shopping! When I have my grand-dog, Fred, I walk him in my sweats and hat – I live in a closed community and I really don't care who sees me! Isn't giving ourselves 'me' days just so good for us? I just loved being retired but now I'm not so sure. It's not that I didn't involve myself in activities it's just that my Love is no longer here to do them with me. This makes me very sad and it scares me. My heart is in constant pain right now. I only hope I can get at least close to where you are now in a few years. Again, you continue to amaze me with all the spirit you have – I hope to learn from the path you have had to walk. Anne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted September 29, 2012 Author Report Share Posted September 29, 2012 Mary, A book I think you'd like if you haven't already read it – The Creative Habit: Learn it and Use it for Life by Twyla Tharp – it reminds me of what you are doing with your watercolors and all the work you are putting into them. I think it's refreshing to tap into our creative life and try new things. I don't know where I'll be with my piano lessons in a year! "The soul of the artist cannot remain hidden." ― Henri J.M. Nouwen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted September 29, 2012 Author Report Share Posted September 29, 2012 9/28/12 Mary, Thank you for the reminder of Marty's movie site. Strange how we had a similar experience with the remote as I too would stop and start the TV until it became too frustrating for Jim. We only listened to his Easy Listening/Classical music channels because that is what he liked and he seemed to be in a more calming state during those times. I have music piped into most rooms and on the patio. There were times I had to wear my earplugs though! I did know about the movie link and I lost myself in movie watching for the first few months because I just wanted to be alone and I wanted to cry/bawl when I wanted to. I did not want any advice from anyone and I needed this time to be alone with my Love. I think I mentioned before that my journey with Jim through ALZ lasted five years and in the last two and a half years I helped start an ALZ support group in our retirement community for caregivers who had loved ones slammed with ALZ. It is such a cruel disease and one that will need much more attention than it is given. I don't know nor do I have the foggiest idea what my future will be but I have been thinking that I might work in the service area of our elderly. I was inundated with the amount of pain/suffering/grief those of us were experiencing. It is such a cruel thing to watch someone you love slip away so gradually as was the 'in and out' phase of Jim's last days on this earth. Those of us living with this stinky, sickening disease know only too well what it does to those we love. I hate what this disease does/did to the Love of my life. Now my heart is breaking and I'm crying and I don't want to feel this pain. Hope you so enjoyed Royal Family. The season lineup sounds great. What an amazing friend you have in your 82 year-old sculptor/painter. I'd like to see the oil she painted of Bill. I hope you had your 'snuggies' on at the outdoor park. Be sure we get to see your finished watercolors "joygriefjoy" when finished. This gives me some hope that I have something to look forward to a year from now. I can't think there yet. I am glad that you are still taking 'me' days. And I thank you for being a listening ear. Once again I find myself not knowing how to express the gratefulness I have for our HOV here in AZ. I truly believe that they saved my life and are still saving it. I too had a good pj day. Anne I am sad that FRED (my grand dog) will have to go home tomorrow. Anne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wifflesnook Posted September 29, 2012 Report Share Posted September 29, 2012 Your background sounds interesting Enna. I suppose we have to keep connected with our interests and accomplishments even in our grief and even when we don't feel in any way like doing that. I'm a writer and researcher in local history, particularly the history of this area where we now live. It's the tip of Yorkshire at Spurn Point and had a fascinating history. Pete and I have written about it and I wrote a book called The People along the Sand: the Spurn peninsula and Kilnsea, 1800-2000. It's in my name but Pete helped with it enormously. Whenever people who had ancestors associated with the area, whether military, lifeboat, lighthouse, find their way here they are directed to our door to talk to me and in the past I have welcomed them. Ad I have carried on collecting material enthusiastically with Pete's support. Now I have NO interest whatsoever and have to force myself if someone talks to me about it. I think Pete would be unhappy about this and everything I do is based upon what he would want me to do so I try to at least go through the motions. Last week a lady came whose grandmother was the lighthouse keeper's daughter in 1912 and she brought a lovely autograph album with drawings and messages by the soldiers. I would have been ecstatic to see such a thing and shared it with my love and I tried to show enthusiasm but how hard It is! Everything is grey and no colour now. Nothing seems to matter. I am feeli g tears pricking my eyes as I write this. I know we all have to carry on don't we? And I think we know that our beloved soul mates would want us to do that. Re make up etc I find I just about manage to keep my hair in a decent state. I always was particular about wearing foundation and I haven't bothered for months. I just think Who cares what I look like? I might as well just turn into an old lady! And this is so not me. I think it's not a good sign actually and I wonder if I should try harder to take a bit of care of my self, but it seems pointless. I hope if Pete had been the one left he would have cared for his well being. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wifflesnook Posted September 29, 2012 Report Share Posted September 29, 2012 Forgot to mention the Wordsworth quote Enna. We love poetry and have three shelves of books. That is a very powerful quote. Thanks. Jan Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted September 29, 2012 Report Share Posted September 29, 2012 Thank you for the book title. I will check it out. Thanks for the Mahler but I may never be able to listen to Mahler again. We shall see. We have all of them including the one that was finished by Cooke and many we have duplicates of conducted or played by different orchestras. For another time. I love Nouwen. Peace Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted September 29, 2012 Report Share Posted September 29, 2012 Jan, I felt the very same way when I saw my bereavement counselor for the first time here at the house and the first thing I told her was that I am a very private person and it’s hard to draw me out. Well, she just sat down and waited and then the sentences started to pour out of me. We both had a good laugh. You gave me a good belly laugh! I'm sure I do that to my sisters, but bless their hearts, they're patient. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted September 29, 2012 Report Share Posted September 29, 2012 Jan, Most of it will come back to you...the things that made you YOU are still there, just waiting for you to process this grief and it will assimilate into the person that is YOU that emerges. Thkat sounds of great interest, gosh I wish we all lived nearby, you guys would be such great friends to have in the same town! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted September 29, 2012 Report Share Posted September 29, 2012 Anne, that is funny...I have worn my makeup since I was a teenager, whether camping or whatever, and I don't do it for the rest of the world, I do it for ME. It makes me feel better. I live on a quiet dead end street in the country so it's not like I'll run into anyone. My dog doesn't care. It's for me. I remember when my daughter was born...I had been working for a clinic here in town and dressing up every day, just the right matching jewelry, etc. Well here I was at home with a new baby, no sleep, huge adjustment (both quitting my job and having a baby to take care of) and an Avon lady came to the door. Happy to see a grown up, I whisked her in ready to see anything she had to show. She started to show me something, then put it back and said, "Oh, I see you aren't interested in makeup, etc." I wanted to cry out, "Yes I am! This isn't me! I just can't seem to get it together lately!" but instead I sat there feeling tears welling up inside. I look back at that now and laugh! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted October 1, 2012 Author Report Share Posted October 1, 2012 Anne, that is funny...I have worn my makeup since I was a teenager, whether camping or whatever, and I don't do it for the rest of the world, I do it for ME. It makes me feel better. I live on a quiet dead end street in the country so it's not like I'll run into anyone. My dog doesn't care. It's for me. I remember when my daughter was born...I had been working for a clinic here in town and dressing up every day, just the right matching jewelry, etc. Well here I was at home with a new baby, no sleep, huge adjustment (both quitting my job and having a baby to take care of) and an Avon lady came to the door. Happy to see a grown up, I whisked her in ready to see anything she had to show. She started to show me something, then put it back and said, "Oh, I see you aren't interested in makeup, etc." I wanted to cry out, "Yes I am! This isn't me! I just can't seem to get it together lately!" but instead I sat there feeling tears welling up inside. I look back at that now and laugh! Here comes another wave - and I don't swim very well! I am in a very "dark" place right now. I know I can move out of it I just don't know if I want to. I find comfort being sad. I don't care if this is selfish. I am listening to "Don't Cry for Me," and I AM crying. I don't want to think about "we'll soon be back together" all I want is for Jim to be here and really hold me. This song does not comfort me – it makes me angry –angry that I am here alone in our house – angry that you left me before we spent time growing old together – angry that more people didn't visit with you during your illness – you were such a gentle, loving person – always smiling, never complaining – angry that the kids didn't put more effort into visiting with you – when talking to you they kept saying "Dad sounds fine" – they had no idea how fine you weren't – now they are dealing with their own guilt – I don't carry it for them – I have my own guilt to deal with – I know you would be shaking your head right now – I don't care. Someone said that we are on a roller coaster of our lives during this grief journey. Well, I'm on it and I am NOT having fun! Roller coasters made me ill just looking at them let alone getting on one. I have never ridden on a roller coaster so right now I want off. Anne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted October 1, 2012 Report Share Posted October 1, 2012 Anne, (((hugs))) I understand...it reminds me of the little boy being told by his mom that God is always there for him, and he exclaimed, "I just want God with clothes on!" That's how I feel sometimes, okay, let's quit pretending, I want George for REAL! Not a memory, not faith, not hope, just George holding me with his physical self right here, right now. It's hard waiting... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted October 1, 2012 Report Share Posted October 1, 2012 Dear Ones, I thought of you, Anne, Jan, Mary and Kay, when I read this blog post today: Feeling Him ♥ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted October 2, 2012 Report Share Posted October 2, 2012 Quite a piece, Marty. Thank you. I think all of us feel these feelings. And it does get more difficult not less. It goes on and on and on and on. I had coffee with my massage therapist last week and told her I need to schedule some appts again. It is a mixed bag as it does feel good to be touched and move toxins along but awful, yet cathartic, to sob on the table....which I do off and on. of course, the one we all want to hold to us can not do that but beyond that longing, is that we just miss touch. I have learned very few understand that when someone is sobbing, it takes more than a 15 second hug to feel like someone cares and is there. Today I stopped to see a friend who was very very close to the friend we will memorialize on Saturday, who died last week. She was sort of a mother figure to this gal and also just went through a nasty divorce so she is raw. She saw me and began to sob. I held her for ever so long because that is what we all need at a time like that. Not a 10 second embrace. Touch is one of the things we all miss so much. Being so close to our husbands we obviously touched a lot....suddenly not only is that person gone but also the comfort of his touch. And people do not talk about that much. I answered the door last week to a friend and I had been crying but answered anyway. She put her arms around me for all of what...10 seconds. I appreciated that and knew she was not the person to ask to just hold me so I can sob my gut out for a long while..most are not that person. . I have some people I can talk about touch with and cry with and i am sure I am one of the lucky ones. But it is the sitting here most evenings alone just longing to have Bill's head on my lap or vice versa or going for a hand holding walk, or hugging how many times a day, intimate touching, passing touches in the kitchen, and so on. The lonely silent house is also sterile of touch...except for Bentley who is hugged a lot and can't really get hugged too much. Surely not the same, of course, but..... By the way I think it was on that same website today someone posted about the new TV program called Go On. It is about a guy whose wife dies, he won't deal with his grief, is sent by his boss to a grief group. I MADE myself watch the first episodes today to see what it is all about. If this is the best they can do with grief....well, it is a sad state of affairs. Tuesday pm...just checked and it was Widow's Village website about this TVProgram. Thanks for the post and for all you provide for us, You are special, Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted October 2, 2012 Author Report Share Posted October 2, 2012 Another good article, Marty. I take a box of puffs with me whenever I go out. To all my Grief Friends, 'Look To This Day' I lit another candle for my Love who died May 25th. I invite you to stop by and be quiet with me for a moment if you'd like http://www.gratefuln...earch.cfm?l=eng Type in DAG and hit search – then under search results click the candle from AZ, United States Also, if you'd like to light your own candle OUR grief support group initial is GfHlg – just click on a candle that is not lit and write your own message if you'd like - it's one way to stay connected and it does not cost anything Another thing I did today to calm me was to go to the www.gratefulness.org web site and listen to the message: A Good Day video (left side under light a candle) – just for myself during this roller coaster ride I'm on right now – and please look past the ads - we can't do anything about them. If you're listening – thank you Anne I am falling apart again. That post you sent to Jan, Mary, Kay, and me on my post: 'My beloved is not with my anymore'. I can't even read through it because I have so many tears. I am trying to be sooo philosophical about this whole 'grief mess'! My mind and heart are still battling big time! It is a good post. It is so hard to even mention JIM to anyone without bawling. I beg to SEE him and I want him to know that I miss him so very much that I get sick to my stomach thinking about him really being dead. I know he's dead and not here in the way I want him to be. I just don't want to accept it. I don't WANT to feel the pain. I am impossible to satisfy because I do WANT him right here like he used to be. As stated in the post you sent out today about "The Critical Importance of Seeking Support" I firmly believe that we have a life support on this web site that keeps us all from falling apart. I like the give and take that some of us are involved in. I appreciate the fact that those who are years into their loss are so generous with their support. Thank you for "honking to us as a form of encouragement and mutual support." Anne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest babylady Posted October 2, 2012 Report Share Posted October 2, 2012 Anthony, i don't punch in my car. it's a mazda miata. i just scream and yell "no, no, no". my dear friend in new york lost his cousin in the towers on 9/11. left a wife and 3 little girls. the wife showed my friend all the holes she kicked in the walls in her house. she also lost so much weight that she looked like a skeleton. 2 weeks ago i was on the phone with my friend and he started to cry. it's been 11 years and he's still grieving. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ANC1117 Posted October 2, 2012 Report Share Posted October 2, 2012 I think I know why I am so emotional these days. We had a beautiful Shamel Ash tree in our backyard. It was a favorite of Jim's. We planted it in 1999 when we had our home built. Once it matured it gave us much shade – a welcome relief in the AZ heat. This summer the tree died and so did my Jim. So the tears are pouring out not because of the tree but because of what the tree meant to both Jim and me. Is this what is meant by a 'trigger'? When the landscapers take it down this week I think I'll replace it with a weeping willow. Now isn't that silly? I'm 'crashing' over a tree! Anne enna, A year prior to Celene's passing, we had our front yard landscaped. We had a Jacaranda planted along with other trees/bushes. This summer the Jacaranda died. It cried when I could not save it. I recall how Celene and I took care of that tree and how she would call it "Jack". It made me angry at myself for letting it die, I asked myself: "Why didn't you pay more attention to it? Why did you trust the yard guy to care for it?" I look at it now and understand I can not be in control of everything all the time. I am not pleased with how I have to pick-and-choose things to care for in my life right now. It does make me realize how much Celene did in our life together and that without her I can not handle it all. It makes me angry to know that my life with Celene can not be my life without her. Understanding and growth. Anthony Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wifflesnook Posted October 2, 2012 Report Share Posted October 2, 2012 That blog post really got me in my deepest heart. How I could relate to it. Her need to believe and yet reluctance to do so is just the way I feel. Thanks Marty and also Anne for those links. I shall follow them up. Yesterday I began reading a book by David Fontana called Is there Life after death? It seems quite convincing. Ad the DVD I had sent up for of Shadowlands came and I watched it last night. It's a very poignant film and I may read the book it comes from. I asked Pete for a sign when I meditated yesterday and read a poem and last night I dreamed that I had been given a second chance (which is what we all keep wishing and know we can't get). He wasn't dead and I had another chance to be with him. It was good while it lasted but then I had to wake up. :-( Yes the loss of touching and hugging is so hard. I am wearing one of Pete's pullovers which hadn't got washed. It's huge on me as he was six feet and I am just over five feet. And I'm thinking If I wear it too much it won't smell of him any more and anyway it will get all grotty. I touch the walls and the doors that he touched trying to get some contact with him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted October 2, 2012 Report Share Posted October 2, 2012 This says exactly what we've been talking about, it expresses so aptly all that we are feeling and experiencing. It's been seven years for me, and I've accepted my being alone, but that has never stopped the missing him, for all of the reasons described above and many more. Jan, I kept George's robe and once in a while would wrap myself in it. His smell faded away but it still brings me comfort, besides I can remember his smell anyway. We used to talk about how it would be if one of us died...this is way more pathetic than I ever could have imagined. I was always the strong one, little did I realize what I would be reduced to, how impacting and hard hitting this would be...forever. The fact is, I never could have truly imagined how life would be without him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted October 2, 2012 Report Share Posted October 2, 2012 It is a good post. It is so hard to even mention JIM to anyone without bawling. I beg to SEE him and I want him to know that I miss him so very much that I get sick to my stomach thinking about him really being dead. I know he's dead and not here in the way I want him to be. I just don't want to accept it. I don't WANT to feel the pain. I am impossible to satisfy because I do WANT him right here like he used to be. As stated in the post you sent out today about "The Critical Importance of Seeking Support" I firmly believe that we have a life support on this web site that keeps us all from falling apart. I like the give and take that some of us are involved in. I appreciate the fact that those who are years into their loss are so generous with their support. Thank you for "honking to us as a form of encouragement and mutual support." Anne Anne, I still fill up when someone sincerely asks me how I am doing. I can smile at the rest but if someone really reaches out...I become a mess very quickly. I know in part it gives me a sense of how Bill loved me. If someone is compassionate, really truly, for a split second I feel loved again. OK, the faucet just started. Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted October 2, 2012 Author Report Share Posted October 2, 2012 Anthony Thank you for responding to my panic about the Shamel Ash tree in the back! I thought I had lost it - obsessing over a dead tree! It was NOT a good time for that tree to die. They say this summer was very hard on trees. Enough people have told me that the tree was a symbol of my love for Jim so it made a little more sense. I am sorry you lost the Jacaranda - that is one of the trees I am thinking about planting - as well as a weeping willow (I know there's one kind of willow tree for our hot AZ weather). It is not easy to be alone is it? They tell us that we will manage. The new pic is of my Jim. He was a B17 pilot in WW11. Anne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted October 2, 2012 Author Report Share Posted October 2, 2012 Jan We are an emotional bunch, aren't we. Are you enjoying Life After Death? I like to dream - if ONLY our dreams were real. Well, some of them anyway. Don't worry about Pete's pullover - you will never forget his smell - I know. I'm also touching things around the house - it gives me comfort. It's almost 10:00 A.M. here in AZ and you are already for supper or is it dinner? Anne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted October 2, 2012 Author Report Share Posted October 2, 2012 Right back at you, Kay. I know I'll never stop missing Jim. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted October 2, 2012 Author Report Share Posted October 2, 2012 Mary You who are always giving should have a moment of compassion from those of us who do understand. I'm glad you liked the ppt. I sent you. It's good to reflect and you are the one saying tears are cleansing. And I think your maple tree is beautiful - most colorful one I've seen since we left the mid west. Anne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted October 2, 2012 Report Share Posted October 2, 2012 That blog post really got me in my deepest heart. How I could relate to it. Her need to believe and yet reluctance to do so is just the way I feel. I think it's really common to fight acceptance, because our pain is part of our connection to them and we don't want to lose any part of our connection to them. With time we realize it's okay to embrace good parts of life and we realize we don't need pain to connect us to them, we will always be connected, through our love, through the never-ending energy. It's just changed form. They can't hold us physically any more, they can't fix the car or take care of us like they wanted to, but we can still feel their love, their rooting for us, and that encouragement helps me stretch myself beyond what I'd ever thought I could. Lately I have been chopping my own kindling. It is painstakingly slow. I'm not very good at it, but I'm doing it. George would be proud. I know that sounds like a stupid little thing, but when you're used to someone taking care of you in ways like this...it is a big deal. I couldn't try without George's encouragement inside of me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted October 3, 2012 Author Report Share Posted October 3, 2012 “Love is like an orchestra. You may be a clarinet—a strong, fine wind instrument all by yourself. But when you surround yourself with other instruments, each of whom do the work of carrying their own parts and practicing their own music, together, as a group, you can blow the doors off the place.” This quote reminded me of our journey through grief. By ourselves we cannot accomplish what we have to to move through this pain of loss but with others we will move through this journey and come out new. It’s like the geese formation – together they get to their destination. Because we have loved much we will mourn much and slowly become well again. I usually don’t recommend books because there are sooo many of them but this one is one that we could take something from whether we are in the beginning of our mourning or well into it - Loving from the Outside In, Mourning from the Inside Out by Alan D. Wolfelt His book can be purchased at http://www.centerforloss.com/bookstore/Loving-from-the-Outside-In-Mourning-from-the-Inside-Out.html Anne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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